A little piece of me..Anger

When I was about 10 years old we lived in a one bedroom schoolhouse on Oakhill Rd in Holly Michigan.
My mother was struggling really bad with a series of consequences from her addiction.
That's another story, or two or three.
Anyhow, we lived next to the Odettes. They were a modest family who lived in a tri-level and had 2 children. One girl, I forgot her name and her older brother was Micheal. The two siblings I remember were both gingers. A random piece of information.
My sister and I played with them a lot.
One very hot summer day we made a fort in the front yard and played "house".
We all picked the character that we wanted to play.
Without much thought I chose to be the Mother.
Not just any mother...I was the mother that couldn't cope very well. I had fake cigerettes, a empty bottle of my moms pills that contained candy and a glass to hold my "drink".
I played the role very well.
I look back 30 years and think how I played a all to familiar role.

I chose many many years ago not to be that parent. My mother was an amazing lady, but addiction had a grasp on her, she was a slave to it.

The TRUTH is. I have fought very hard to make different choices to provide a different life for my children.
Unfortunately, I have won the battle of addiction but there is a character defect that I haven't won. That I have almost nurtured.
Anger.

"Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. "

Psalm 37:8

"Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly." Proverbs 14:29

I grew up with so much Anger. So much fighting, physical chaos.
Irish and Mexican.
I have let my temper get the best of me more than once. I have done things that make me cringe.
Last week, I almost lost my testimony AT CHURCH. I went into mama bear mode with the group I lead. I am really glad I didn't get escorted out.

Most of my Anger is honestly what has driven me from the way grew up. I have used my anger to fuel me into fighting all of hell for a new Beginning.

Today, I felt Anger lurking around me.
October is SUCKY month.
I  basically lost the most amazing ladies in my life in October.
My Grandma, my sweet sweet angel.
My Mother, she went into coma and never came out. No good byes.
My Niece, Ariel, there is so much I could say about her but it is a sensitive loss.

Emotionally, I am a little dark, my spirit is waging war inside me. I have had a rough week with other battles, exasperating this black hole inside me.
Running always help calm my spirits.

I knew I was running a harder run today, this would really help to balance me out.
My running partners wanted to run back roads again but that was not going to work for my time, and  I had planned a different type of run for today.

I took off solo with the intentions of running to the track. I wanted to run fast, intentional, I wanted to sweat out my emotional garbage.
I needed my run to be focused and deliberate.
But...I ran right by the track!
I changed my mind and decided to aim for a solid 10 miler. A tempo run.

The problem was my fists were clinched with anger. And I couldn't get my easy pace to a easy pace.
I knew I needed a strong run so I just decided to run through the anger and make myself suffer.
"Get after it" I barked at myself.
"Calm down, breathe..breathe…"
"GO, Go...pick it up, UGH..."
I clenched my fists YELLING at myself in anger and grief.
"Nita, NO one is going to run for you, No one is going to want this, you have to FIGHT for this. You have to want this, this is your run, your fight, You Have to WANT it."
FREE Commercial...No one can do your work FOR YOU. You Have to WANT it.

It was true. I came up over an incline out of breath, lungs burning, legs wobbly and I grinned.
My Anger was a reminder to choose MY FIGHT.
I fought for that 10 miles. Each mile.

Anger is just a tool. It can destroy a city or it can rebuild one. 

How do you handle your anger?
Anita~