"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God? ... So use every part of your body to give glory back to God..." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Sunday, May 14, 2017

My Letter.. Guilt, the Demon that never sleeps.


Dear Mom,

Another Mother's Day has passed without you.
Its no easier.

There is a hole. A deep wound that burns. It takes my breath away. It floods my heart with confusion and indescribable emotions.

You can't read my writing. You cant hear my pain, wipe my tears, hear my stories or touch me. You cant see me, this is all in vain.

Dear mom...is void. Is Hollow.



But I am not. I woke next to your grandson this morning. He is stunning. Mouthy like his mom, he is crazy full of passion and deep.

I embrace them, your grandsons,grateful for every day I have them, knowing that life is short, we are all on borrowed time and guilt is a demon that never dies.

Mom, we are more alike than I like to admit.
Those damn demons of yesterday haunt me and Satan roars in my tomorrow's.
You never woke in peace. The days were dark, your eyes were deep with pain. Your pain rattled you, disillusioned you.
Funny how pain does that. Even in the brightest light darkness seeps in, trickles in the cracks. 
Those mistakes you made, God so soo many mistakes..Its Ok. I wish you knew how much I forgive you. I wish all my forgiveness could bring you back. I wish so many things.

Those sleepness nights never end. I could hear you up at all hours. I would beg God to put you to sleep.
I see you. I see you in that tattered nightgown. Stained with shame. The room is dark. Your glass is full of that numbing liquid that never removes your transgressions. You look at yourself and see someone that turns your eyes away.
Love.. forgivness. I soft touch. I wish I had given you.
Days you stayed in that bedroom. Days you stayed in that nightgown. Days,weeks you stayed in your pain. So so many bad choices. You never intended to hurt anyone. I know this. Your pain was so deep it chose your days. It owned you, like a puppet master. You couldn't break free.

You will always be loved. Your demons don't haunt me. Those dark days, those tearful nights, those screaming fits, those fights...
No, Damn THEM all. I would give anything to hold you the middle of them now, I would take one sleepless, abusive, broken night to just wrap my arms around you and tell you how much I love you regardless of all that.
I know you were broken.
I know that the sun wasn't shining on the brightest day.
I know mom. I know, I know. God I know.

I run every Mother's Day. For you. I ran up Canal St. today. I ran in an area unknown. Without any direction I just ran.
My hands were clutched.
I prayed. "God, why, why so many years later does this still tear me apart."
The familiar words whispered. "Guilt.. It will always be guilt Anita."
No goodbyes. No closure.
Guilt is a demon that never sleeps.
My chest heaved. Breathless. Weakness overcame me as a cemetery appeared. A large tree full of greenery stood strong near the entrance.
It was SPLIT. All the branches gone in the middle to allow the power lines to run through it.
Split. A Cemetery. You. Me.
I stopped and stared. Crying like a baby on the side of the road I saw you. I saw me. I saw us.
You will always be a part of me. I will always yours. We are Split but one.
You were Split. Torn, Broken.
I am Split. yes, those demons of yesterday will always haunt me. And Satan never sleeps. Never.
But I know...God never sleeps Either. He fights for me. You never knew that mother. He forgives. He believes. He Loves...

And I will Never Never quit loving you.
Anita Maria.



5 comments:

  1. Believe-you-me, dear, I know your loss:
    I suffered a severe head injury
    in which my gorgeous, brilliant, sassy
    girl+friend was DOA at the hospital...
    but, yet, c'est la vie, oui?
    I certainly know I'll see her again
    Upstairs in time and we'll party-hardy.
    Lemme tella youse summore wisdom
    I have in my lifelong demise...

    Lissen to wisdom, earthling:
    1-outta-1 bites-the-dust, thus,
    everyone of U.S. has an indelible soul.
    While the body rots in the grave,
    the soul rises to meet their Maker.

    Thus, Death, Judgement,
    Heaven or Hell
    await U.S. all.
    And dats da fak, Jak.
    What we all should be thinking about
    everyday in this finite existence
    or at leeest in the back of our minds...
    yet, how many actually do?
    How many expect Jesus to have mercy on them when they worship the whorizontal
    and croak expecting Seventh-Heaven??
    Precisely why Im here:
    many of U.S. have completely forgotten
    our morality and mortality.

    Lissen to wisdom, earthling:
    this finite existence is only a test,
    which Almighty God has produced to see
    if we mortals have the kohoneys
    to reach Seventh-Heaven.

    Make Your Choice -SAW
    Im an NDE.
    I know what's up.
    Literally.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 'We cannot be neutral in our lifelong demise precisely because Jesus WILL NOT be neutral at our General Judgement' -blessed holy socks

      Better live withat fact; better conform your indelible soul to that axiom, earthling: once this finite existence is finished, Jesus shall kick-you-out of Seventh-Heaven if you're lukewarm. What we do in our finite lifetimes has eternal consequences.

      Howd'ya literally N figuratively WISEABOVE?? Pray the Stations. Go to Mass at least Sunday. Lissen, lissen, lissen. Pray the Rosary to kick-Satan's-ass. Carry your cross - literally and/or figuratively. Goto the Adoration Chapel located inside every Catholic choirch. Pray, pray, pray. Offer your whole day N night to the Trinity. Read your Bible. Love God alone. Love everyone else. Put their lives ahead of your own. DO IT! We dont have long before our LastPage.

      Withe filthy, whorizontal piss-ants which swiftly crawl like lemmings to their scorecard destruction seeing who can git a lower place in Hellfire, dont you think your lifetime is EXTREMELY vital to the planet? Thus, to love the lives of others is to love your own: spread the Gospel of Jesus.

      trustNjesus.
      ALWAYS.
      God bless your indelible soul.

      Delete
    2. 'We cannot be neutral in our lifelong demise precisely because Jesus WILL NOT be neutral at our General Judgement' -blessed holy socks

      Better live withat fact; better conform your indelible soul to that axiom, earthling: once this finite existence is finished, Jesus shall kick-you-out of Seventh-Heaven if you're lukewarm. What we do in our finite lifetimes has eternal consequences.

      Howd'ya literally N figuratively WISEABOVE?? Pray the Stations. Go to Mass at least Sunday. Lissen, lissen, lissen. Pray the Rosary to kick-Satan's-ass. Carry your cross - literally and/or figuratively. Goto the Adoration Chapel located inside every Catholic choirch. Pray, pray, pray. Offer your whole day N night to the Trinity. Read your Bible. Love God alone. Love everyone else. Put their lives ahead of your own. DO IT! We dont have long before our LastPage.

      Withe filthy, whorizontal piss-ants which swiftly crawl like lemmings to their scorecard destruction seeing who can git a lower place in Hellfire, dont you think your lifetime is EXTREMELY vital to the planet? Thus, to love the lives of others is to love your own: spread the Gospel of Jesus.

      trustNjesus.
      ALWAYS.
      God bless your indelible soul.

      Delete
  2. Believe-you-me, dear, I know your loss:
    I suffered a severe head injury
    in which my gorgeous, brilliant, sassy
    girl+friend was DOA at the hospital...
    but, yet, c'est la vie, oui?
    I certainly know I'll see her again
    Upstairs in time and we'll party-hardy.
    Lemme tella youse summore wisdom
    I have in my lifelong demise...

    Lissen to wisdom, earthling:
    1-outta-1 bites-the-dust, thus,
    everyone of U.S. has an indelible soul.
    While the body rots in the grave,
    the soul rises to meet their Maker.

    Thus, Death, Judgement,
    Heaven or Hell
    await U.S. all.
    And dats da fak, Jak.
    What we all should be thinking about
    everyday in this finite existence
    or at leeest in the back of our minds...
    yet, how many actually do?
    How many expect Jesus to have mercy on them when they worship the whorizontal
    and croak expecting Seventh-Heaven??
    Precisely why Im here:
    many of U.S. have completely forgotten
    our morality and mortality.

    Lissen to wisdom, earthling:
    this finite existence is only a test,
    which Almighty God has produced to see
    if we mortals have the kohoneys
    to reach Seventh-Heaven.

    Make Your Choice -SAW
    Im an NDE.
    I know what's up.
    Literally.

    ReplyDelete