I want the rainbow.

"We should just put you out to pasture." close family members banter with me..I am falling apart at the seams. 

Yesterday, I had what I hoped to be my final breast surgery. I didn't advertise it. I am sure I am getting exhausting. Cancer can be exhausting to everyone. 

The Procedure:

Fat grafting, they remove fat from areas of your body and inject that fat around my implants. They do this to soften the ridges and creases. 

Prepping for surgery: Wash for 2 days prior to surgery with DIAL Gold, this soap is a antibacterial. 

Nothing to eat or drink after midnight and then only clear liquids. I snuck a 1/4 cup of coffee in me around 6:30am, surgery wasn't until 12:05, however we had to be at Troy Beaumont at 10:30. And boy was I glad I did that, my surgery got bumped to 1:15pm.

I had to have a driver but I couldn't have any visitors. This made me sad mom couldn't be there, she hast miss one. 

Andy couldn't come back with me due to Covid. I sat in the same room I was in when I had my last surgery. The hospital is so cold, almost damp feeling. I sat in the room alone, uncomfortably familiar. 

Sterile smelling like straight up antibacterial. In front of my tiny room hung a large round clock. You could hear it clicking with the faint sounds of doors opening and closing down the halls.  Gentle chatter from the nurses to each other and the patients. This chime would interrupt all these sounds. For over an hour I listened to it until I didn't notice it. They let Andy come back and actually stay with me for the last hour. 

I saw Pam Johnson outside my room, she was my surgeon for the Mastectomy. Then Dr. Hainer steps in connecting with all of us. "Look Guys, its a reunion, we are all back together." I laughed to see them. Pam told me she wears the personal cape I gifted her all the time, her grandkids love it. 

Dr. Hainer is my plastic surgeon, the one who would be doing the fat grafting. 

As Pam walks away, I hear her telling someone in the hall "She is my favorite patient". I smile. 

"Ok Anita, remove your gown from the top" Dr Hainer says holding his pen.  I am standing up and he is crouched down inches from my boobies. Not awkward at all.  

Then he asked me to lower it more so he can see my belly, assessing where he would be drawing fat. The belly is typically the number one spot. I knew I was in trouble when they weighed me and I am down to 106lbs. As soon as he looks at my belly he grunts "Ugh, Anita." The last time he saw me I was 109 and he as excited I had belly fat. But this time he was challenged. 

With him still hunkered down he told me to remove my gown all the way. I was taking back, my special place was at his eyes. Andy quietly laughed, he could tell I was mortified. 

As he looked my body over for fat he was struggling UNTIL...he saw my saddle bags. He then had a big smile on his face, "OH! This is good, this is our friend!"  

I have had dimples and saddlebags almost my whole life, I was glad that was where he would be drawing the most fat from. 

With blue markings on my thighs, the inside of my legs and between my knees I got back into my bed and things began moving. The nurse came back, she put some relaxing juice in my IV. Within seconds I felt myself getting woozy. I said goodbye to Andy and as they put the mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply. I was still awake when they brought me into the surgical room. I saw a big tray of implements and asked if those were all mine. She said that's just a few! 

That is the last I remember. 

Pic 1, my Beaumont socks, I have a collection. Pic 2 they put the IV in my hand bc I can not have anything done on my right side due to my lymph nodes being removed. Pic 3 DR. Hainer took fat from my inside legs, funny place to have fat! Bottom left, I couldn't get the blood to stop, Austin cleaned it up for me. Pic 5 bruising on outside thighs. Pic 6, they buried me in towels at post opt, I couldn't quit shaking. 

I could barely wake up in the discharge room. My whole body was shaking uncontrollable. They continued to give me more hot blankets. I tried to open my eyes only to fall back to sleep. An hour later Andy was getting me dressed and I was being wheeled out to the car. 

I couldnt wait to get home.

I had a pocket of fat removed from both my knees. It wouldn't stop bleeding, Austin cleaned it up for me. 

Soreness. A lot of blood draining and soreness. Dr. Hainer also drained a cyst I had on my back, that was causing a lot of discomfort. The wound leaked through my bandages and ruined my blouse with blood. When we arrived home both the boys were home from working.  Austin was very attentive to me. He cleaned my blood up and was very sweet.

They put me in this one piece garment that looking like a water suit. I have NO idea how they squeezed me into it. I didn't know that the crotch was open! It is supposed to make it easier to go "Potty" as Dr. Hainer puts it.
It wasn't that easy, I peed all over it!
My legs are all kinds of bruised. Tender.

That is just some of the bruising!

I rested all night with that corset thing on but I couldn't sleep in it. 

In other news. Dr. Abraham put the results to my MRI in my portal. He asked "PLEASE" go see Dr. Lewis, you are going to need surgery."
"Susceptibility artifacts are demonstrated along the lateral aspect of the knee joint and in the Hoffa's fat pad adjacent to the distal fibers of the anterior cruciate ligament.." blah blah blah.. In a nutshell My meniscus is torn and it looks like I have fragments in there causing the knee to lock up.
I see the surgeon for my knee next Monday.

I kept my surgery yesterday on the down low. Mostly, because I am low and I have exhausted people.
I am struggling in a dark place for the last couple weeks.
I am struggling with myself and quite frankly others.
People are people. "Expectations are premature resentments." This is my ugly honesty.
When I struggle I tend to isolate myself. It is a form of protecting myself.  And possibly others.
I shut down. I had a couple friends reach out to me yesterday, it was very nice. It meant a lot.
I just needed to be alone. I can't protect others from myself when I am in this dark place.

One day at a time. I am trying to wrap my head around another surgery. Trying not to get any more frustrated and discouraged.

I have these moments that make me laugh. Like yesterday with Pam Johnson. She said she was sad for me to hear I had Plantar Fasciitis in both feel.  And my torn meniscus. I blamed it on CHEMO.
Dr. Johnson laughed at me, "Anita, that Chemo saved your life..." I replied "I KNOW, but I am blaming everything on Chemo, You saved my life!"
Sometimes it is a few words, a little dialogue, even a smile to make you feel better.
I am grateful to mom, Andys mom for making us dinner and dessert last night. She even brought over my favorite Greek salad from Highland House. But the amount of love, concern and thoughtfulness means so much to me.

Special thanks to all those that reached out to me yesterday. Cancer Sucks. My broken body sucks.
Keep on keeping on.

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” —Dolly Parton
I want the rainbow.
Anita~