Blank Space.

And he holds my body
In his arms
He didn't mean
To do no harm
And he holds
Me tight

Oh, he did it all
To spare me from
The awful things in life that come
And he cries
And cries
I know...
He knows...
That he's
Killing me
For mercy

lyrics to Murder, Aurora

Death suck. It comes on waves.
Every year I buy Ariel a birthday gift.
I have the most beautiful purple lilac bush, a couple of them now and a cherry tree. We used to pick cherries every year at Spicers. I can still see her crawling in the middle of the tree to pick the best cherries, one for the bucket and one for the belly!

The first time I heard this song it struck my deep, like a dagger. It sounds grim, even morbid.
He's " killing me for mercy".

I cling to this verse trying to understand why Ariel was taken so soon.
"The righteous man perishes, and no man takes it to heart; And devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from evil," Isaiah 57:1 
So when I listened to these lyrics I was overwhelmed with guttural emotions. The ones that hurt to breathe. The blinding emotions of grief, when everything just goes dark....
I believe God took her early to keep her from evil.
For Mercy.

I try very hard to not show my pain or grief. I have learned to manage it, letting God restore my broken heart.
I share laughter, love, surface emotion, what people can handle.
So I write, I decompress, and I try to make everyone comfortable.

I am constantly distracted. This helps to keep me from falling into darkness.
Did you know that the average attention span dropped from 12 seconds in 2000 to 8.25 seconds on 2015?
An American receives 54,000 words and 443 minutes of video every day!
We have to be constantly stimulated. No blank space.
Games, texting, video, podcasts, phone calls, tv.....

I watched Andy one day, He had his ear buds all day, running, working, in his car, at home, even watching Tv, he would unconsciously pause the TV and watch a YouTube video.
"Andy, you have to be constantly stimulated, no blank space...."
I caught him off guard, as he thought about it, "Yeah, it shuts out the voices..."

Sometimes you have to listen to the voices. You have to battle the voices, cry, get angry, do some self inventory....
Mark 4:24 "Pay close attention to what you hear. The closer you listen, the more understanding you will be given--and you will receive even more."

I run to listen. To embrace that blank space.
I haven't been able to run so I have been biking. Once I got over the fact that I am not good at it , I started to embrace it. Its not about sweating, or burning calories or really even being fit, its about blank space. The time alone, in my own little world. Listening to myself, searching for a voice bigger than my own. Feeling,  joy, grief, gratitude, love, anger, discouragement, pain, confusion, contentment, peace...
Yesterday, I biked 26 miles. It was wonderful.

Today, I was diagnosed with Planter Fasciitis.  It was also the first time I have ran in 9 days. I was prepared to walk it in. I wanted to try to run so I would be able to share how my foot felt with the Dr.
Tomorrow, Back to Clint Verran!

Rundown:

Settlers Park, Hartland
Basically a 6 mile loops with intertwining trails. A bit confusing but fun. They packed 6 miles into a 1 mile square. It is really designed for bikers but very runnable.

"Listen to you own voice, your own soul. Too many people listen to the noises of the world and not themselves."  Leon Brown 

Anita~