Be Kind.

"One has to be grown-up enough to realize that life is not fair; you just have to do the best you can in the situation you're in."

I feel like I have been taken out at the knees. 

Not to sound like a big baby but I am. I cried and cried last night. I cried till snot was saturating my bath towel and my eyes were bulging red. 

"Why Andy? Why?" I gurgled in between sobs. 

"Isn't a summer of chemo enough, loosing my hair, having scars all over my body, losing half my sight, my breasts, my ovaries and not to mention radiation, WHY, WHY?" I blubbered.

LIFE isn't always FAIR. 

Yesterday….

I went over to Laceys moms house to sneak in a little run with her. Lacey and her siblings have been caretaking their mother in her final days of life. 

To make it a little easier on Lacey we decided a run from her moms house would be best. 

I remember when Ariel passed away. Pastor Cliff called me and told me "YOU need to run, keep running, you have to release the serotonin...." 

Running helps you release this "feel good" hormone often calming you down and preventing you from depression or going into dark places. 

We got all dressed to run a few miles when quite suddenly the baby monitor went off and her sister went to check on their mother. 

All the siblings went into the bedroom as I waited to see how her mom was.

Her sister came out "....my mom just died..." 

I was taken back, heartbroken for them all but also knowing that they had peace with the pain. 

Several minutes later Lacey came down. She looked peaceful yet mindfully disheveled. 

I could tell she was afraid to ask...

But I knew what she needed....

She now more than ever just need to run. To clear her mind, realign her thinking and RUN. 

She asked her sisters and we decided to go for a quick 4 miler before Hospice got there. 

And we took off. The first mile chatting, releasing thoughts and settling in. 

We found a beautiful groove down the back roads of Ortonville when out of NO WHERE my right knee went out. 

I yelped like a puppy being stepped on and yelled, "My knee, I just blew my knee out....". 

We walked the mile back to her moms house. 

I could barely get into my truck. 

I knew it was something bad. I tried to act like an adult and be all tough and macho about it. 

But as the night went on so did my pain and my acceptance of the situation. 

I cried harder last night then I have cried in the last 10 months or real darn close. 

I made an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon for next week. 

I feel like I have been taken out at the knees, literally. 

I am crushed. I fell once today, I can not bend it. I have been icing it off and on all day. 

I have prayed over it, cried over it, and been sulking all day. 

I saw my plastic surgeon, Dr. Hainer today. He asked why I was limping. I told him and of course he said what everyone always says "You should take up biking...."

Here is the irony in this. Yesterday, after radiation Gay F. came up to give me a gift from her daughter Cara all the way from Waco, Texas. It was a Kindness Rock. 

All the way from Waco, Texas!

Did I miss a memo? Is God trying to tell me something and I am too stubborn to listen? 

I don't know. But this is a tough blow. Running has been such an outlet for me. 

I know my body, I know this is something significant. 

I also know by sharing this I am opening myself up to all kinds of clatter from people. 

All I ask is for you to BE KIND. If you can't be encouraging to me please please don't say anything because I am in a very dark place right now. This hurts, a lot. 

I feel so beaten up. 

Yesterday, before radiation I was talking to my brother and he was struggling. "...life sucks....." 

I replied "...no, it has moments of SUCK but life is beautiful...." 

I am being reminded of these words I spoke just hours later. 

Special thanks to Cara F. for this GORGEOUS Kindness Rock. This girl is so talented. Thank you for the LOVE, 

Anita~'