Knocked Out

Tomorrow, will be the 3rd time this year I will have been put under.

1. April 30th, colonoscopy, upper and lower GI: Propofol 
2. May 1st, port put in. Propofol
3. October 30th, bilateral mastectomy: regular anesthesia 

And tomorrow oophorectomy. 

Even though they will put me under with regular anesthesia the surgery is laparoscopic. I am hoping for the same results that I had from my mastectomy. I woke up foot loose and fancy. Well not that fancy, but I wasn't sick and I woke up better than Snow White. 

My surgery is at Royal Oak Beaumont in the afternoon. The worse part about this is that I will not be able to have coffee or eat! The surgery is only an hour long, I guess I can suck it up. 

However, after tomorrow I will have conquered another obstacle. 

You can't fight the genes you were given. I am being proactive with my BRCHA1 mutation. 

Goodbye boobies.

Goodbye ovaries. 

And unfortunately, I can not get rid of my pancreas but I can have faith and trust in the Lord. 

Chasing a sweat. 

"If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough." 

Albert Einstein 

It's Simple, I am going CRAZY doing nothing and watching the world spin all around me. 

I have been off work for 5 weeks now. This week is the first week I have been able to roll over in bed without a significant amount of wincing. I still sleep with a pillow propped under my arms, my flanks are still very tender. I have been able to walk and I am very thankful for Jeff and Alec walking with me.  

I am just now able to start doing my arm exercises, fingers crawl up the wall, then down the wall with my arms opening up, so exciting! 

While these "exercises" are great to get my range of motion back they are hardly going to get my heart rate up or cause me to sweat. 

Oh do I miss the burn, the sweat. It is my therapy. 

Fantasy 5K. 

I AM GOING CRAZY doing NOTHING. To watch all the runners run all around me was just pain torture. I told Andy to run his own race. It sounded like a great plan but you can't lie to yourself. 

That's what we do. We lie to ourselves. I want to act like it doesn't bother me. But it DOES. 

I wanted to run with everyone else. I didn't have to kill myself to play with everyone, I just didn't want to be all alone.

I really did tell myself I was going to walk. 

But I knew I wasn't strong enough to resist the temptation. 

Yeah, I was all dressed up and ready to run. I didn't even have a watch. I shuffled with a big 5year old grin painted across my face. 

I had so much fun. I kept my arms close to my sides so I wouldn't move them. I hollered and cheered the other runners on in my own special way. It almost felt like old times again. 

I saw Danielle out there. I just love that girl.

I went to the gym today. NO RUNNING. I am not going to press my luck. I did the ARC trainer for an hour, keeping my arms plastered to my sides. Then I did the bike for another 20 minutes, again using no upper body action. 

It was my first time being at the gym since I was diagnosed. I saw some familiar heads turn, I just smiled. I look a lot different. I try to walk into the gym confident, but lets be honest, I feel so awkward. 

The last time they all saw me I had long dark hair, now its mostly gray, shorter than a pixie and all uneven. 

I was chasing more than a sweat. I was chasing security in a very familiar place. The story of my life the last few months. Being bald and hairless will leave its mark on your security system.

So I just turned my music up louder and avoided the mirrors. I came to sweat. Focus. 

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.
– J.P. Morgan

It is time to keep moving forward. I am moving out of this stage of my treatments. 

I am excited to "KNOCK OUT" another part of this process. 

I have learned so much with each section of having cancer. I have learned mostly about myself. 

I have learned how blessed I am. 

Thank you to my brother and sister in law for taking such good care of me the first few days. 

Thank You to those who brought me meals, Claudia, Holly, Debbie, Tammy and family, and Lacey.

Thank you for visiting me and bringing me lunch Gay and Lori, I had such a special day with you both. 

Thank you to mom, dad and Andy for taking care of me 24/7. You never quit holding my hands, wiping my tears and loving me. 

Thank you for the phone calls, messages, cards, visits and walks, Jeff and Alec. 

I have so many thank you's. 

Thank you for teaching me how to love others by the way you all have loved me. 

Anita~