"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God? ... So use every part of your body to give glory back to God..." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Sunday, September 4, 2016

In a Nutshell: Grief

I suck at writing the last few months.
It is not from a lack of material, it is from a lack of time.

"Woe is me for my hurt! my wound is grievous: but I said, Truly this is a grief, and I must bear it"
God knows that there is only 3 ways that I decompress, Running, writing and praying.
Even with 50-70 mile running weeks, I am on my knees more than ever battling the demons between my ears.
The clatter in my ears sounds like a summit meeting with different countries all screaming in their own language.
Its loud, its confusing, its tiring and the really hard thing is at the end of the day all everyone wants to see is a big Anita smile, they want a goofy joke, light conversation or an ear and a hug.

I feel vacant, empty, a shell. A stained glass window.

My body is failing me, sleep escapes me and my moods are a roller coaster of chaos.

My Family..My oldest son leaves for college next year, I have already started grieving. In tears, with my first born leaving, I barely have my cheeks dry when my youngest opens his mouth. I am then grieving all over again at the loss of my baby boy.  Who now haunts me. He looks like my kid, I swear I gave birth to him, but he is a terror. Its like his body has been invaded by some punk alien. He is almost 6 feet tall, mouthy, sassy, he no longer cuddles or touches me. My heart breaks.


My 11th CRIM.
I ran with Andy. I ran into more people I knew than ever. I didn't race due to a 32 mile run the following day.
Distance: 10 miles
Time: 1:32
Pace: 9:12/mi
I remember running this race before training for ultras at a sub 8 pace. More Grief.

The Taper:
With Wednesday and Thursday as my off work days, these become my run days. Only this pass week we tried CAMPING..in a tent!
  1. My diet.
  2. My running schedule
My miles were going to be really scaled back. And honestly, I am a bit crazy about what I eat. I can't live on s'mores and hobo pies. Especially if I am not running. Gaining weight doesn't concern me, after all, have you seen me lately? I could use about 10 lbs. I was in the 90's 2 weeks ago. I was trying so hard to put weight on...THE HEALTHY WAY. Just because you CAN eat whatever you want DOESN'T mean you should.
You wouldn't say to an overweight person, "WOW, you are so fat." And it is equally as offensive to a skinny person when you say "WOW, Anita you are so skinny, you need to gain some weight."
I want to punch people when they hug me and say SH@!! like "OH wow, I almost broke you."
Its a passive aggressive comment that is offensive. 

I premade our meals. I did endulge on a 2 smores, one with a Reeses peanut butter patty in it and the other with regular chocolate.
I destroyed this pan, It is now a Camping pan! Breakfast: Seasoned potatoes with onions & ground bison with Scrambled farm eggs.
French press coffee..It was wonderful

Wednesday after setting up, Austin stayed back, Andy and I ran the Manastee Trail, 6 miles.
We hiked 3 miles with Austin Wednesday.
Thursday, we hiked 6 miles. We discovered a waterfall.
We also discovered Wednesday a rope swing on the other end of the river.
Thursday Andy and Austin pressured me into swimming the river and challenged me to do the rope swing. Andy couldn't do it, so he didn't think I could. It wasn't the rope swing I was concerned about, It was not drowning across the river I was scared of.
I swam every way I could think of to get across the river, about 60 yards. Back stroke, doggy paddle, breast stroke and just about when I thought I was going to be doing the dead mans float my feet hit the sand. "Thank You Jesus!" I cried out of breath. It was only about 68' degrees out and I was sweating!
After catching my breath I climbed up and grabbed the rope. My heart was beating all over again. "JUST DO IT, No Fear."

SWOOSH! I flew into the air and fell dead in the water as my hands burned from loosing my grip.
I climbed back up in pain and determination.
Andy threw me the rope. I laughed at the 3 of us. We found this hidden treasure hiking.  We stripped  our clothes off like kids and were swimming in our underwear and undergarments.
I grabbed the rope. I tightened my grip. Shivering I tightened every muscle and jumped to the next higher knot as I soared into the air. I took the rope as high as I could before I let go in a perfect dismount.
It was so fun I had to do it again. 3 times and I was shaking so bad I looked like a was detoxing with convulsions. I was so nervous I was going to cramp up and end of at the bottom of the Manistee River. My last try I swung out as far as I could to lesson my distance across the lake. It was Awful! I started to panic half way across when I turned over from my back stroke and discovered I had swam in a Diagonal! I looked for Andy and he was still with Austin by the rope. I tried to calm down as I flipped back over. I didn't want to swim looking at my destination, I thought it was more nerve racking.
I somehow made it. I just laid in the sand. "Thank you Jesus, Thank YOU!"

The forgotten race. This weekend Saturday the 10th. I am doing a 50K as a training run for Cloudsplitter. Should be fun. We are CAMPING again! Praying for good weather and a better air mattress. I ended up with a 17 year old spooning me on the ground camping last week.

In Closing: Another reason I haven't written is honestly because I am not filtered right now. My mothers birthday is September 27th, I miss her so much. She was one crazy girl.
The anniversary of Ariel is right around the corner in October and I am in a silent pit. There are things I am not aloud to write about anymore. Ariel is one of them. I am not allowed to talk about her, write about her, discuss her. I am supposed to forget the relationship I had with her. It is crushing. Andy found some videos this week with her in them. I hid in the closet crying. Life never recovers. I still have this massive black hole. My secret grief.



No comments:

Post a Comment