Cry Cry Baby: Race Recap.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 

I don't know exactly where I was on the trail. Somewhere past 20 miles. Somewhere past the point of counting hills or falls. 

I smelled like swamp water and wet woods, my skin scraped and my spirit worn thin. 

I turned on my music, after saying some silenced prayers. I needed something to carry me through and there SHE was. 

Janis Joplin, raw and ragged kinda like me, belting out Cry, Cry, Baby. That sound pierced right through my soul. 

I laughed out loud-half mad, half broken, but the tears were right there too, sitting heavy behind my eyes. That song, her voice, the brokenness lingered with me, To most people it would be nothing but noise.

But to me...It's my mother. 

You ask me WHY I run these insane races...In the depths of the woods I say, "This is my why...". 

Why do you run so much? Why do you run to those lengths? 

Why the endless miles through woods and mud and pain. 

It's this.

It's her. 

It's my dad. 

It's the old scars of addiction that still ache when the trail gets long. 

Its the songs my mom would play over and over, every time she would relapse- Cry, Cry, Baby like a broken prayer though the walls. It's the part of me that clenches my fists and keeps pushing when everything in me wants to quit. 

Maybe that's why I push so hard, wishing my mother could have pushed just a little harder. 

Maybe I am trying to prove to her how to push, how to fight, how to not give up...

Most days it doesn't make sense. 

Not even to me. 

But out there-falling, deeply emotional, running- I remember: I'm not running alone. 

Somewhere beyond the pain, beyond the memories, beyond Janis Joplin screaming through the trees...God Meets me.

Not in the neat, polished places, but right HERE. 

In the DIRT. 

In the MESS.

In the BROKEN hallelujahs of my life. 

My heart isn't hidden from the LORD. It's bleeding wide open with humility and vulnerability. I can be my authentic self without judgement or condemnation. 

And somehow, even when everything hurts, even when the weight of all the old grief threatens to take me under, The Lords hand is steady beneath my feet. 

And so I run, swaying through the woods. One mile at a time, each one different even when they appear the same. 

I run broken to remember. 

I run hard to heal. 

I run because even in the deepest wounds, He is still good. 

RUNDOWN. 

The first 15 miles are usually a clamor of wild reckless thoughts. It is trying to control the voices and reign them in that is more exhausting than actually running for me.

My body was still angry at me from a week of running and climbing with no taper. 

But by mile 20, I knew I would treat myself to music to get a good cadence too. 

And I did. Even though the emotions were stinging they still fueled me. 

The fight came out in the fury.

The last 10 miles I felt strong, even the soreness had dissipated.  

I finished the last half mile sprinting in, I wanted to drop the hammer way before that, but it was just a training run. 

This is where the surprise came when I finished. Andy was full of excitement at the finish line. He had already finished his epic 1/2 marathon telling me I was 3rd place female overall. This was a shock! 

Such a difficult course, but perfect for a training run. 

Congrats to Joe who also used it as a training run and also placed!

It was great to see Jason and his wife who is a CANCER SURVIVOR out there. Her hair was just coming in and her spirit was powerful. 

I also met a new gal, Allison, she crushed her goal too. 

A big shout out to all those racing this weekend crushing their goals. A HUGE shout out to Theresa Z on her first 50K!! 

In Peace, Not Pieces, 

Anita

To Sum it Up with Sheep

We are all evolving sheep. 

"He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart..." Isaiah 40:11

At 51, I have had my ego handed to me more times than I can count. I've lived through seasons of regret, made countless mistakes, and experienced failed efforts that humbled me to the core. I am my own harshest critic, and yet life, and people have had their way with reminding me who I am and who I am not. 

Through the pain and pruning, I've learned that this is what keeps me running, that and the grace of God. What keeps me PRAYING. 

What keeps me humbly seeking the Lord to refine me. 

Sheeps are Easily Startled. 

Most people fear what they don't UNDERSTAND. 

We feel insecure, intimidated, even judgmental, often without realizing it. Sometimes I watch people and feel inspired, amazed at how they're doing what they are doing. 

But rarely do I think anyone might feel that about me. Mostly because people have a special way of vomiting their thoughts to me that startles me and often just makes them feel better.  This is often because they just don't understand. 

As Good as DEAD Sheep

"Faith over Fear"'. That's easy to say, much harder to live out. This past week was a week of training-HILLS, ELEVATION, SORENESS, FATIGUE AND SUFFERING. It was also a week of SILENCE, SUBMISSION, AND SUFFERING. 

Each run was an act of SURRENDER. Like sheep submitting to a shearer, I was being stripped of the heavy wool that held me back: FEAR, DOUBT, PRIDE, INSECURITY. The kind of weight that isnt just physical but emotional and spiritual. And just like sheep, I was left bare. 

Bare, But Better

When sheep are sheared, they're not comfortable right away. They're exposed, vulnerable, cold. But they are better off. That's the part we like to forget. 

We resist being left bare. We complain, we bicker, and we let that drive us. 

BUT the stillness, the silence of suffering is where the transformation begins. It's where we can hear the Shepherds voice most clearly. 

The FEAR: the Wool begins to Fall

Monday I was meeting Danielle at Highland Rec. I knew the elevation combined with the distance and pace would be challenging. But it wasn't just the hills to conquer, it was the fear. The fear of not finishing, falling, not being able to keep up, it all felt a little overwhelming. 

I had to shear those fears, remove that weighted wool. 

Jossman Rd: The Shearing Continues

A few days later and a still tired body I took on another difficult training run. 20 miles of hill repeats and 2,700 feet of elevation. By the third of 15 repeats, my mind was unraveling, I was praying constantly: for strength, for courage and for stamina. And in that desperate headspace, God answered, not with ease but with endurance. 

Saturdays 50K: The Wool Grows Back

By Saturday, my body was wrecked even with a day of recovery. I needed 30 miles, but Andy was convincing me that I needed a 50K. The wool of doubt had started to grow back. 

The Fear of Injury

The Fear of Failing

The Fear of Pain

And God gave me AGAIN what I needed: company.  I was reminded that I crave companionship, not just in running but in life. People to encourage me, support me, help me and just come along side me. 

Lessons from the Herd

• The real work began when...I submitted to the shearing, removing the wool. We all have a wool that is weighty and holds us down. Fear, ego, insecurity, unforgiveness, is a really heavy load. 
• Pain hurts deeply when... not just physically but behind the smiles, behind the laughter, beneath the surface. That the kind of pain you carry into every mile unless you lay it down. 
• The hardest moment is when...I start. It's usually right out of the gate, standing at the edge of the unknown, wondering if I am going to make it through. But the only way is THROUGH. 

The RUNDOWN

April 14-20th

Distance: 81.55

Total Time: 14h 46min

Elevation Gain: 6,630

RACE WEEKEND: This weekend is TRAIL WEEKEND 50K.

This is one of 2 races prepping me for Sulphur Springs 100. This elevation training is to help me with the races I have on the schedule that all consist of significant elevation. 

ELEVATION: STRENGTH OVER SPEED: While most of us avoid hills or like any good ultra runner we love walking them, they build you both mentally and physically. 

While speed work trains fast-twitch muscles and quickens your pace, elevation work builds strength in your glutes, hamstrings, calves and core. 

MENTAL ENDURANCE: Hills teach you how to suffer well. The climb demands patience and perseverance, which translates to stronger mental stamina on race day. 

Elevation is not FAST, but it is FIERCE. What it lacks in speed, it makes up for in strength and staying power. 

So don't shy away from the climb. Every hill you face on the trail or in life is shaping you into a stronger more resilient version of yourself. Sometimes we just have to have the wool removed to conquer those mountains. 

In Peace, Not pieces, 

Anita

I still get nervous

 

"Fear is part of the process. It's a sign that you care that you're doing something meaningful. The key is to not let it stop you." Courtney Dauwalter

I still get nervous. My stomach turns inside out, my palms get sweaty, and I feel the anxiety of not only what I do know-but everything I don't.

I put on a good front- calm, cheerful, unbothered. It's the ultimate disguise. 

Yesterday, I sat in the backseat on the way to Ann Arbor for the Big House 5K. I HATE 5K's. 

Just a little 5K. 

How does something so "little" manage to make me feel like I might throw up? 

I start questioning everything: my endurance, my pain tolerance, my thoughts of failure. I find a million excuses why I won't be able to do it. And the more the guys talk about it, the more my nerves spiral. 

This is FEAR.

This is ANXIETY.

This is NERVES.

BUT this- this is also training. Not just for my legs, but for my mind. For every fearful thought, I try to speak something stronger, more promising, in return. 

It seems silly, I know. To get this worked up over a 5K. But the truth is- it's not really about the distance.

It's the UNKNOWN.

It's the KNOWN. 

It's knowing I'm going to be uncomfortable. 

Knowing it will hurt.

Knowing I could fail. 

That I could get injured.

That I could be disappointed.  

It's knowing I'll have to fight a million thoughts urging me to quit. Because that's the real battle-Not the run, bit the voices in my head. 

And honestly? 

I think it takes more strength to fight those voices than it does to run the miles. 

It's a constant clamor. 

But maybe-just maybe-that clamor is where the real work gets done. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer, and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7

RACE RECAP

Before the race started, we did a mile warm-up and some strides. Jazz our running friend was committed to helping Andy PR this race. 

We lined up in the corral with 10,000 other runners. 

As the National Anthem played, I closed my eyes and prayed. 

Everything lined up perfect. Beautiful weather, a fun and exciting course, Jazz pacing us and encouraging us and the Lord hearing my prayers. 

The three of us came down the tunnel together, into the stadium and finished all together giving Andy a PR and the Lord giving me the strength and perseverance to stay with the boys. Especially after running a 26.2-mile training run the day before. 

The Lord is so good. 

THE RUNDOWN:

April 7-13

Distance: 82 miles

Elevation: 6,027ft

I still get NERVOUS. I get nervous for races, and I get nervous for training runs. This week almost every training run had me rattled. If it wasn't the distance, it was the elevation and if those weren't a factor then it was speed or overall fatigue. 

FEAR is POWERFUL. It shows up LOUD, demanding to be heard. It loves an audience. It hijacks thoughts, breath, even the body-and if we're not careful, it hijacks our choices to. 

BUT we don't have to give our power away to fear. 

That 5K unearthed the same battle I know I''ll face in just a few weeks when I stand at the starting line of my 100-miler over Memorial Day weekend. 

The training is hard. Brutal, even. There is a deep loneliness of choosing the hard thing OVER and OVER. 

It doesn't get easier from here. SUCH IS LIFE. 

Because LIFE is RELENTLESS. It gives us obstacles daily-grief, disappointment, conflict, UNKNOWNS. 

We don't just have to get through these things, we have to keep going through them. 

"We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 

2 Cor. 10:5

A SPECIAL SHOUT OUT to my running partners this week. TO JADA- Jazz, Donny and Andy. These guys are such a family. They are no nonsense, no frills, just total cheerleaders. They are as genuine as it gets. 

To Christina and Theresa, these gals are PURE GRIT. they never have a crack in their armor. I am always so inspired by their strength and resilience. 

Pam, Kara and Lynn, these girls are full of adventure, girls after my heart. They join me in my shenanigans, from dancing to going off course to trailblazing through uncharted territory. 

Danielle, my longest running partner, she keeps me honest, makes me work hard and is such a sweet soul. I am blessed to have her friendship. 

And then there's Andy and my buddy Joe. We all need a Joe in our life. Someone to yell at us, call us out, verbally abuse us and remind us that suffering is "Good Training" and he would love to help you suffer. 

ANDY, my favorite running partner of all. My biggest fan, my greatest cheerleader and the love of my life. 

Thank you to all those who have helped me last week and today. I need all the inspiration, encouragement and support. 

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita

Hoodwinked: Training for a 100

 Expectations vs. Reality

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." 

Proverbs 19:21

I set out with the excitement, thinking I knew what the day would bring. A tough but familiar route at Fox Lake to build elevation for my 100-miler. I was mentally prepared for that. And that would be plenty of suffering going into my 3rd day of back-to-back long runs. 

But the second I heard we'd be hitting the trails instead, I felt one word-Hoodwinked-looped in my brain like a broken record. The plan had changed without warning, and suddenly I was facing something I hadn't signed up for. 

Monday, No Fun Day

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." Walter Elliot

The day already felt off. My morning was chaotic, and by the time I showed up to run, I was hanging on by a thread. 

The PLAN- two-10 mile loops, consisting of roads and trails and over 3,200ft of elevation, felt like a psychotic joke. 

There I was, at the start of my third back-to-back long run, with barely enough juice to start and now being served a dish I never ordered. Training for a 100-mile race demands grit, but some days it feels like the training itself is trying to break you before the race ever begins. 

Trails of Torment

"We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair." 2 Cor. 4:8

I felt emotionally pretty despaired. 

These trails didn't just challenge me-they dismantled me! Covered in leaves, hiding roots, and jagged rocks, they felt more like a trap than a training route. The climbs were brutal, the descents risky. My legs were toast, wobble sticks. My calves burned, my quads buckled, my lungs gasped and my brain screamed ENOUGH. 

There were not smooth stretched, just endless rhythm of up and down, slip and scramble or scream, I did them all. 

 I laughed for the first mile more out of ridiculousness, but that gave way to silence....then whining...then pure survival mode. I kept accessing my body hoping nothing would get too broken. 

Truth is...I never wanted to quit so bad. I questioned everything: my training, my goals, my sanity. I felt deceived by the terrain, by the day, even by my own desire to chase something as massive as a 100-mile race. 

The Turning Point

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts." 

Winston Churchill

We made it out of the trail loop with two painful miles back to the car. And I said aloud, with full conviction: I am NOT running that loop again. The trails had wrung me out. 

But here's the thing-despite my misery, I still believed I could get 20 miles in for the day. I was still clenching that hope. 

I still believed in the purpose behind the pain. Just not in that way again.  

The trick to training for 100 miles, your constantly being asked to reframe suffering, to find new paths, to be flexible, when the one you're on breaks you down. 

The Redemption Loop

"Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give

up." Gal. 6:9

We set off again, this time on a new 10-mile loop. One I hoped I wouldn't feel hoodwinked again! It felt so much better compared to the gauntlet of trails I had suffered through. My body was sore, depleted, worn thin...but by the grace of God still moving. 

Still upright and moving forward. Still choosing to say "YES". I had every excuse to stop, but something deeper kept pulling me forward, one mile at a time. 

This is the heart of training for a 100. It is not pristine conditions or perfect plans, it's about how you respond when you're HOODWINKED, blindsided, broken... and you keep going anyway. 

The RUNDOWN:

I may have been duped by the plan of running those evil trails, wrecked by accumulating miles and fatigue-but I wasn't defeated. 

Training is a make-up of multiple battles; both your legs and your mind. It tests your legs, and it tests your will. 

It teaches you how to adapt, adjust, to endure when everything inside you wants to quit. 

Such is LIFE.

Our will has to keep a heartbeat. Yes, there is always going to be heartbreak, but we can't get in the habit of quitting when it gets hard. Give yourself some grace and get back out there. 

March 31-Apr 6, 

Distance: 87.4

Elevation: 5,909

Saturday: 27miles

Sunday: 13miles

Monday: 20miles

TOMORROW, I embrace my rest day!!

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita