"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God? ... So use every part of your body to give glory back to God..." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

my Excuses, my Failure, my Fear.

"Alec, Lets go, I want to get to the gym before I feel any worse."
"Mom,why would you go the gym if you didn't feel good?"

I questioned this all the way into Grand Blanc.
My Tylenol hadn't alleviated my pounding headache. I rarely get headaches and this one decided it was going to camp out like the antichrist. My shoulders were tense and my tummy was nauseas.

My body was slowing turning against me. I was working really hard at convincing myself that I had no other option.
I needed to run repeats. I needed to run hard and run fast. I needed to put myself in a lung burning, leg turning, heavy breathing suckfest.
I NEEDED to remember what pain and suffering felt like. Pushing myself to the point of wanting to quit was EXACTLY where I needed to be and then some.

I yawned 5 times before I made it out of the locker room. Fear was setting in. I questioned everything for the 10th time with more excuses then I originally had.

"Maybe I will just run a few miles easy, or moderate."
"What if I just run 4 repeats?"
"What if I run 6 repeats but not at my target pace, bring it down?"
"UGH...What if ..."

My mind tuned out in a conference of weakness. The conversation was deafening. I could hear myself responding to each idea, "NO", Just do it."

I HAD TO TRY. I stepped on the TM, my favorite. I felt my skin tingle, I was actually scared. Afraid of the pain, afraid of failure, afraid.

The fear heightened and turned to adrenaline. I was ready. I took a deep breath, shook my hands out, turned my IPOD on as loud as it could go so I could tune all the demons out.

1 mile W/U. 6 miles on the TM using the Track setting. 800m repeats with a 400m shuffle jog in between. 

The first 30 seconds I feel strong, light on my feet and almost giddy.
As I close in on the end of my first lap, 400M I start questioning my pace, My legs begin to feel tired, my mind gets confused and I start praying to hold on for another 400m.
After 2 minutes, I start counting down my time, "HANG on Nita, hang on another minute and a half."
I see the end of the last curve, maybe a tenth of a mile to go, my stomach muscles are so tight, I take that last deep breath, check my posture, relax my mind and focus on running with my core.
Ahhh..5 more times!

Even though I was running my 800's at 3:37, an average pace of 7:13, the TM is a cheater way, I am going to need to run that outside without a machine turning my legs over, with wind in my face and making those angry curves on the track.
Today was more mental for me. Honestly, I picked my last repeat up and even added another 3 strides after I finished. for a total of 7 miles.
My mind almost convinced me to call it in.
I had some GREAT EXCUSES. No one would have judged me.
HOWEVER, at the end of the day...they were MY EXCUSES, its my training, If I never tried, it was ultimately MY FAILURE.

I am sharing this because the voices in my head get loud...As I am sure yours do too.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

Isaiah 41:10

Do something amazing. Do it scared. TRY...just TRY.
Quit making excuses.
GOD KNOWS I am soo scared to FAIL again trying to qualify for Boston. It is going to hurt so bad.
My stomach literally turns every time I think about  running another marathon this April. Its not running 26.2 miles that scares me, I run that distance for training runs for my ultras, its running it fast and having the clock TICK that makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

Deep breath.
Shake out your fears.
Do it afraid.
My left toe is all bloody...Oh the joys. I finished my last mile on the track, easy recovery mile followed with stretching and rolling my IT band. 


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