Call Me Crazy.

I Love this guy! He is at the cross walk on my runs. He makes me smile with that big old STOP sign.



6 days away until I will be lined up with thousands of runners. Together, we will let our training lead us to conquer 26.2 miles. We will run over the bridge, under the tunnel and into Canada. The Detroit Free press Marathon and half marathon is one of my babies.

Training hard for the marathon is very important to me. Running those miles puts your body at the brink of crazy. It is physically insane. I try very hard to be trained so that I can feel confident at the starting line.

This year is some kind of DIFFERENT.
I am not confident.
I am not trained perfectly.
I am not whole, my body is broken.
I feel 40.

I had signed up for the marathon before the price increased months ago. When I was healthy and whole. Before I ran Boston.
Before I got injured.

I was financially and emotionally invested in the Free press Marathon.
I am just stinking crazy. Officially crazy. I can not believe that I am going to run THIS SUNDAY.

I am scared. Yes, I said it. I have NO idea what my body is going to do. I have no idea how my body is going to carry me or recover for me.

I ran my last long run later than most. My calves were still tight on yesterdays 3 miler.
I ran with Lacy today. I ran 2 miles solo, and 4 with her.

BEWARE OF THE TAPER:
Crabby, starving, angry, edgy

Lacy chatted with me about her emotional status. She was so hard on herself. I reminded her of her training. The taper is brutal. It leaves you like an emotional toilet. You are full of toxic emotions that are floating around. You know you smell and you know everyone can smell your attitude a mile away!
You just want food, all the time, all food. Not even food makes the runner happy..

For me, already being under trained, I am emotionally stressed out. I want to run more to make sure I have all my eggs in the basket, except I would be cutting off my right leg off in that process.

It doesn't even matter. I couldn't run more if I wanted. I am barely out of the woods with this injury of mine. I am already playing with fire. This marathon has potential to do me in physically for a very long time.
But the crazy addictive part is I CAN'T turn away. I Don't Quit. I Can't Quit. That just isn't an option. I guess the crazy part is I would rather take DOOR #2..Injury. All the time praying that Door # 2 really is "Victory W/O Injury"

With everything I have and everything I am calling on God for, Which is EVERYTHING;  I CAN'T Quit.

Call Me Crazy, Some of you probably are even saying "You get what You Deserve". Your right.
But I believe God called me to RUN.
God calls me to that Starting Corral. Not FOR me, FOR YOU.
Because TRUTH is, I am scared. But I know that he is calling me to run this marathon for someone else, not me.
These miles are not about me.

They are for those that want to Quit. Those who want to Give Up. For those who Feel Weak, Insufficient, Broken, and Discouraged.

"He gives Power to the Weak,

And to those who have no might He increases in strength."

Isaiah 40:29

 





I am running Sunday for those who are Scared, for those who are Confused. I am running for those who are Injured and those who are Alone.

"Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

 

I feel your pain. God Feels your pain too. I am not going to give up, for myself and for you.

I am asking for prayers. My legs are weak, I need God to provide continued strength both physically and emotionally. I am asking you to Pray that God keeps my legs and body from being injured after the race.
My thinking has to be on target. My mind has to be focused and positive. My body will do what many mind tells it to.

I am being very transparent when I say I am scared. Please know my heart. I will NOT Quit. No matter what. With Everything in me, I will make it to the Finish Line.

 

Anita

The Real Training is Maintaining: And other lessons

There are times that I am running where my whole mind is saturated with a dense feeling of defeat. That place that your mind tells you "It's ok to slow down."
Then the voices begin to argue. Slowing down was NOT in the plan. Quitting was not in the plan. Or compromising my run in any form was not an option, although, the voices seem to be really convincing.
"Just Maintain" I tell myself. I wasn't going very far today. Only about 3 miles. It was some of the hardest miles that I had run though.
Today, was the 2 year anniversary date of Ariel. Running was exactly what I needed to do.
Only at mile 2 "Arms of an Angel" came on again. This song sucks the life out of me. I went to turn the song off,  only to find myself replaying it over again.
This is what I came out here for. I needed to just feel it. I needed to "Just Maintain."
I ran and cried. "..Out of the wreckage...". Those words, I could see them pulling Ariel out of her vehicle. So beautiful she was, So broken I was running down E. Maple street.

There are moments in my runs when I hurt so bad that I tell myself to "Stay Inside Myself." This means maintain, hold on, control yourself. It means that I want to fall apart, I want to collapse, I want to heave over in guttural breaths. My voice wants to cry out, my face wants to grimace, my arms want to wail and my body wants to change plans. This is that place that I want to come out of my skin. I want to unleash the weakness and let that dictate me.
"Stay Inside Yourself, Anita" This is where I say to myself to stay in control of not just my actions but my emotions, my thoughts, my plans. I don't have to kick it up, the training here is to be disciplined enough to stay in control of myself and not let my pain control me.

 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.    2 Tim 1:7

 

There is pain we all must endure. Pain in life has the same effect on us. It controls us. It hurts us so bad that we find ourselves coming out of our skin. We change plans. We say things we shouldn't. We do things we never thought we would do. We see ourselves and do not even recognize who we are.

Today, as I ran I felt both the pain of running and the pains of grief. That last half mile I wiped my tears off my cheek. "Ok, Nita, Stay inside yourself, Maintain all the way home." I coached myself back in the game. I didn't deny the pain. I accepted it. I chose to move through it. The pain wasn't going to stop me. The pain wasn't going to hold me down. I was going to run in my pain. I was going to be strong enough to maintain. I was going to stay strong enough to STAY INSIDE MYSELF. I didn't need to prove anything to myself. I didn't need to go harder, or faster. I just needed to be in control of myself in that place. The real Training was Maintaining.

The Lesson of Forgiveness:
I work with the youth on Sunday nights. This was our lesson. At 40 years old, I have found that FORGIVENESS is not a destination it is a journey. It is a process. We have all had someone wrong us. Someone hurt us. Someone fail us. There are people in our life that we have hoped would support us or love us, accept us and so forth. The disappointment and disillusionment leaves us bitter and hurt. Those high school girls had tears of deep pain. It was so awful to see how the world had already failed them, hurt them and broke them in such a short period of time.
How do you tell these young girls to forgive when it has taken you years to forgive others, yourself. When the pains you have dealt with are so ugly that you have never shared it with one soul....
With Love. Your teach them forgiveness is a process. But the only way to forgive is to slowly start. Just like most great lessons they come back to running. Forgiveness is not about the swift or the fast, it is your journey to do at whatever pace you decide. Just Begin.

"THE SECRET TO FORGIVNG EVERYTHING IS TO UNDERSTAND NOTHING."

Special love to those who came out to church today in honor of Ariel. She would have been so happy to see Amanda, Taylor, Joan, Mo,  Rebecca out there. She would have loved to see Nelly and Brad come out with us to honor and remember her together.
I was so blessed by my friends that thought of me the last couple days. Ali, Brttani B, Amy C. Terri W and the others. I don't have a lot of family but I have some incredible friends that are so loving and supportive.
I can feel God healing through the love and support and comfort of those that took the time to share a sweet message or text to me. God heals. God hears the Brokenhearted.
I am so grateful.

Anita

Honoring Ariel in her Death

I remember growing up as a child my mother always said something to me that still daunts me to this day. "ANITA, your father is looking down on you."

Almost 30 years older and a little bit wiser I can understand her tactics with this statement. I knew she wanted to instill conviction and guilt . My mom knew I loved my dad more than anything. She knew I missed him more that anyone. She knew I wanted him to be proud of me. A daughter always seeks her fathers approval, even if he has left this earth. At least this one did.

That seed planted a wild tree. A tree that would grow seeking not only my deceased fathers approval by everyone elses' as well.

I know my father can not see me from heaven. And to be really honest, I am not even sure my father made it there.

And for my mother. That is yet another daunting thought. I can not even say my beautiful mother is dancing in Heaven.

I will tell you this. Whether they can see me or not. I still carry them with me. I still try to honor their name.

In just a few days, it will mark the 2 year anniversary of my Ariel's death. I have to clarify that she was my NIECE. I have to clarify that because there are people that come in here and read my heart and read MY blog only to be offended. They have taken  my words, my thoughts, my heart, my prayers, my memories, my truths and have said terrible and awful things to me.
Death can bring out the ugly in people. I have taken the verbal abuse for 2 years with this thought:
How can I HONOR my beautiful niece in my response.

Just turn my other cheek.
Forgive when I wasn't even asked.
Cry out begging for God to protect my heart.
Isolate
Try not to hate

Remember my Foes are many..

LORD, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
Many are saying of me,
“God will not deliver him.”

But you, LORD, are a shield around me,
my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
I call out to the LORD,
and he answers me from his holy mountain.  – Psalm 3:1-4

But ALL the time I remind myself who I WAS TO HER.
I Remind myself Who SHE was to ME.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her so bad. My world is 100% different. I don't have her calling me asking me for things. Advice, ideas, scripture, support, love...I don't have her texting me things. Funny quirky girl things. I don't have her stopping over. I don't have those deep conversations anymore. I rarely go shopping anymore. I have no one to shop with. I would buy her whatever she wanted. I cant even go to Somerset Mall without wanting to leave because she is not next to me.

I love my boys.
But she was the daughter I never had. She made my world so beautiful. Don't misunderstand me. I am very thankful for my boys. I live a blessed life. But it is like a garden. It is full of foliage and greenery.. My garden grows with beauty. It is lush and flowering. But there is a magnificent flowering plant that made my gardens splendor, that just isn't there any longer. And Nothing will EVER grow in that Place.

I never had so much empty space.
I try not to even think about it because when I open that door I can not close it. That room hurts. I go to the door daily but I don't open it.  It is one of my favorite rooms to look into, it is also one of the hardest rooms to come out of. I want to crawl into it. I want to escape into it. Hide in her memories. Caress her hair. Bury myself in her big brown eyes. I want to feel the love she gave me, I want to wrap myself in her love, curled up in her world....

So I run...And I run..

People ask how come I have I been so injured the last year. Because when I couldn't breath. When I couldn't think. When the stab of death bites you so deeply you do what you know how to do. And for me that was RUN.

The last 2 years, I ran my self into the ground. I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't change a mile. Every mile I needed 2.
I had to run down the hurt of her and the hurt of others.

People in their pain can't help but hurt you. They are hurting so bad that just want you to hurt like they are hurting.
I know this. Most of the time I can brush this off. I can even forgive them and pray for them.
Hurting people Hurt People.

You have to come out of their words, their actions. You have to remind yourself WHO you are.
We do not have to define our self to anyone.
We do not have to accept someone's opinion of us.
We do not have to entertain their actions.

As a child so many actions of mine filtered through "What would my dad think of me?"
As a young adult so many actions sifted through "What would my mom think of me"
I failed them so many times.
I failed them, I failed myself and I failed God.

Today, I think "How would God want me to behave, respond, react." And I fail him still.

With the anniversary of Ariel coming up ever so close I think.."Anita, what would Ariel want you to do?"
"How can you Honor Ariel in your grief the next few days."
"Have you honored Ariel? Would she be proud of your actions over the last 2 years? If she was looking down on you would she say, 'Yup, That's my Aunt Nita' with a smile"

I will never know.
But I will continue in my life to honor her as her Aunt Nita.

Anita

Reality VS Fantasy

The sky was dark and hollow. I headed out to find Jama in the midst of the outbreak. I ran controlled, knowing that I was going to be running for my life today. I knew I was going to need some reserve  energy for whatever chaos might challenge me.
Running down the streets, I set watch looking in every direction for Jama. "Where was she?" My mind raced. The cars were coming at me. The drivers looked like zombies. "Were they infected too?" I was frantic. My phone suddenly rang. It was JAMA!
She was lost and confused. Together, we tried to make sense from senselessness. All we knew was we needed to find one another and meet up with Lacy. There was power in numbers. We knew we could get through this chaos together. But alone, we hardly stood a chance.
We were on opposite sides of the city. Our communication had been misleading, sending us on a wild goose chase. Desperately, trying to find her I heard a woman screaming out her door "I LOVE YOUUU!!!" I was startled. Again she screamed almost louder "I SAID, I LOVEEE YOU!!!" I then heard a door slam and a little girl walk down the steps. She had a grin painted on her face. "I Said I LOVE YOU, YOU BETTER TELL ME YOU LOVEE MEEE!" The lady screamed again. The little girl must have been infected too. She left the house in a trance without answering.
I tried to gain my thoughts back. I had to find Jama.
 
Jama was a sight for sore eyes coming down that hill. We took a second to catch our breath and went looking for Lacy.
It wasn't long until we found Lacy.
The temperatures we leading us astray. This was part of the epidemic. They programmed the weather to try and defeat us. We shed our jackets.
We decided that we would be safe on the back roads. Get off the main roads from all the predators. We had no idea what was ahead of us in the trails of the hidden forest.

All we knew was in order to survive we needed to keep moving. We couldn't trust no one. Running through the thick woodsy trails we stuck close together. Every mile, we reminded ourselves to drink to stay hydrated. We also brought our power tablets, to give us energy. These would be beneficial to help us outrun anyone that we came in contact with that might try to harm us.

Suddenly we were taken back by a pack of raptors. 1, 2, 3, 4 they just kept coming. Something must have startled them as they ran right across us. They never looked in our direction as they crossed feet in front of us.
We then remembered the flesh eating Pterodactyls nesting in the swamp just ahead. They waited for us. There had to be a dozen of them. The three of us scoped them out as we moved up the trail. Focused on the wild birds we never saw the person running towards us. We stopped frantic, to see if she was going to attack us. It was Rachel! I had always heard Rachel was one of us but I had never had the opportunity to meet up with her. I knew we could trust us. We showed her the wild birds, Rachel  corrected us showing us they were deceiving. They were not the flesh eating beasts were thought they were.

We joined up with Rachel. The 4 of us bonded nicely in the midst of chaos.
Rachel was on a different mission. She had to veer off.

We never quit. We had to get to our safe place. Jama, stayed with us. But she too had to leave.

It was just Lacy and I left. Lacy was holding up very good. I knew she was done with her mission. She had accomplished hers. "Anita, I will stay with you."  She wasn't going to leave me, she needed to. I knew she was going to struggle later. I couldn't accept her offer as much as I wanted to.

There I was left to finish my mission. This was insanity. My body was breaking down. I started this broken and I was so afraid this mission was going to put me out of commission. "You can't quit Anita."
"Come on Nita, Come ON, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop..." I heard my voice quiver in my head.
"I called my ultimate power source, "OH Dear God, Please keep me going, please."

MISSION COMPLETED.

Reality is:

1. They sky looked like rain.
2. Traffic was high because of school starting.
3. I gave Jama the wrong school to meet me at. OOPS..I created confusion in my air head moment.
4. The woman yelling out the door at her daughter was real. I wanted so bad to yell back "I LOVE YOU TOO!" But I couldn't stop laughing!
5. We ran the backroads, nothing too exciting!
6. We had a pleasure to watch about 10 dear cross in front of us.
7. We ran into a running friend of mine, Rachel, who I have never had the opportunity to run with! So fun!
8. Rachel killed our dreams of the EAGLES...Yeah, they were actually some sort of Vultures!
9. Everyone was running different miles. I had the most to run.

I ran 21 miles. We ran slow with walk breaks. It was so hard. My body was struggling. My It band was tight. Fear was creeping up. I ran slow but my body still hated me. Everything was burning. I was just exhausted. I didn't even have the energy to breath.
I have never gone into a marathon this under trained. I have NO idea what expect for October 19th.
This is all I know.
I am not going to quit. I am going to give all my heart. Its a matter of the Mind. Its a matter of Trust. I am going to Trust God to supply me with strength, stamina, and power. Greater is He who is in me.

Please keep me in your prayers.
I am asking for some life lines.

Anita

My Special Needs Runners

I was looking forward all week to meeting the girls for an easy trail run. I was watching the weather everyday, twice a day, in hopes that we would have good weather. I debated on running to our destination park. I knew that the healthy transportation would be to ride my bike or run the half a mile. I looked at my watch that last time and I had 5 minutes to be there, I grabbed my keys.

As I pulled in, I knew I was busted. Claudia was there waiting with the rest of the girls to run. Claudia is very outspoken about walking, riding your bike or running to your destination when it is this close.
Laughing I got out of my car and confessed.
 "OH NO...." Claudia is full of energy when she responds.
 Everyone is laughing as she then says "Oh, and BTW, are we like your Reserve Runners?? Then all the girls pipe in with laughs about me running with them as my "Special Needs Runners."

This run started out high energy. We hadn't even started running and I was already out of breath.
We tried our best to follow the 5K trail. Somehow we got turned around and ran the same route a couple times. Probably all the joking. We burned more calories laughing and carrying on then we did running. We even took a few minutes to enjoy the "Look Out".  It was beautiful.

It is funny the things that you let your mind entertain. Together, the 4 of us, otherwise strangers, come together for less than an hour to run. In that time, we share personal stories, embarrassing moments, crazy jokes and just all around fellowship. We are all from total different backgrounds. We each have areas in our life that make us who we are. But we just fully enjoy one another. Despite our differences, our circumstances, our personalities and our behaviors.
So my mind goes in the dark place. Where our minds shouldn't go.....
I then find my awesome run being taken from me by the thoughts that hurt me. I think of the corner of my brain that represents chaos. Dysfunction. "How did you find a way to navigate your mind to this disturbing place Anita"
My thoughts trail off to wanting to fit in. I then Remember that quote "Quit trying to FIT in when you were created to STAND OUT."

There are always going to be places that you want to be part of. There will always be people that you want to love you or accept you.  My Sister In Law Deb Posted on Facebook Today, And Hit the Ball out of the Park!:

Why???? Why oh why do we, as human beings, focus of those that walk away and leave us? Why do question their ability to disappear from our lives? Why do we focus on the assumption that we must be broken or undesirable. When the truth is directly before you. You are SURROUNDED by those who have stayed. You are surrounded by those who love you soooo deeply they allow hurtful words. They allow time and distance to only strengthen their unconditional love for you.

Dear friend, ...kick the "deceiver" out of your head. Remove the scales he has blinded you with. Look up and see that you are worthy of love never ending. Those that have walked away brought meaning and fullness to your life; however, there are we that remain that call you worthy and lovely and precious. Don't push away the ones that have stayed and weathered your darkest storms w/ you.

Push!!!! Push w/ all your might. You will find that those who love you the most and have the most impact on your life will bear the force and reach to hold you close as you try to run away!

 

I Think That says it all!

I was encircled around some awesome women today. We all chose Each Other. We chose to spend our time together running, laughing, encouraging one another. I Love my Special Needs Runners. We all have special needs. Quit trying to get those who have walked away to be something they are not willing to be. Open your heart and eyes to all those that are around you that do love you with all your special needs!

Anita



Fortune Teller: Running from Ebola Zombies

"In running, it doesn't matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say 'I have finished.' There is a lot of satisfaction in that."

 

 

3 weeks out from the Detroit Marathon. My longest run has been a 18 miler. I am 2 weeks behind in training .

I truly believe I can do this, regardless of being behind. I had to play catch up with wisdom and patience. Two more things I am not good at!

 

I don't live behind stained glass. I try to be real and transparent with life and my training.

Truth is I am scared.
Today, on my 10 miler with Danielle I went into a small panic going up another hill. I could feel my heart triple time beating like a crack head. I wondered how my body was going to push through 26.2 miles in less than 3 weeks.

I wondered a lot in my dying moment.

I look over at Danielle and she is hardly breathing. I am staring at her out of the corner of my eye trying to stick close to her. "This woman amazes me, is she smiling too?"

Good grief, my face was all contorted, my breathing was erratic and I thought I was going to barf at any moment.

And I swear she was smiling!

 

I am going to run a 20 miler next Monday. This will be my one and only 20 miler. I have never ran a marathon without doing at least 2- 20 milers and 1-22 miler.

 

It will honestly be a miracle. Well, my marathons have always been a miracle. God is my strength in all of them.

 

At this point I have NO time for any mistakes. Everything has to be very intentional and precise.

• My diet
• My stretching, rolling, and icing
• My runs and workouts.
• My recovery

 

Diet: Most people think they should carb load a couple days before the marathon. In fact, you should start a week out. I personally try to maintain more carbs throughout my training for the marathon because I loose weight when I get into high miles. If you have seen me, I look like I need to be admitted for a eating disorder at the peak of my training. I am fortunate. I have had some partners that have Gi issues and cannot eat anything for hours before a run. I on the other hand, can grab a piece of bacon and head out the door. Oatmeal before my run isn't so pretty though!

Stretching, Rolling Icing: Don't think you are so invincible that you can remove these from your training. Get into the habit NOW, and prevent injury. I pick my son up from Cross Country and you always see the kids icing and stretching...

My Runs My Workouts: With like 16 days to go, this is the part of my training that I have to be very intentional. Not a whole lot of fun in this training, being injured is not much fun overall though!

My Recovery: Rest. Put your feet up, take days off. This is the first week in MONTHS that I have actually added up my miles! They are pathetic.
Monday: 18
Wednesday: 5
Thursday: 10
Total: 33
The average days trained for a marathon is 4/5 days. My days are as measly as my miles.
BUT I AM RUNNING! I am greatful for every slow, measly, poodunk mile I have put in!

5 people that Inspire ME:

1. Michelle B.- I have watched her training and have witnessed so much progress.
2. Aunt Lo- As she Battles with cancer she hasn't quit. It is so hard when you have no control over your body. When your body attacks you. I am proud of her overcoming her fears and being such a champion.
3. Jeff B. Old buddy, old pal Jeffrey, I call and check on him ever so often. He is a great encourager and a wealth of knowledge when it comes to running.
4. Danielle- She came off a terrible hamstring injury over a year ago. She never quit. She gets up at the butt crack of dawn, sometimes doing 2 work outs. My Running partner is a rockstar!
5. Sarah F.- Speak of injured, Sarah has gone against all the odds, headaches, shin splints, knee problems and all she wants to do is RUN RUN RUN. A girl after my own heart! 

 So Here is my Final thought:
You are what you think you are. I am seeing myself a champion. I am seeing Victory in this. I am also seeing ALOT of pain is going to take place for me to finish my marathon. That's OK. There is always a price to pay for greatness.
It is like I am my own fortune teller.
"Anita, I see a lot of pain in your face. I see sweat, or is that tears dripping down your cheeks? I see you running..And still running...Wow..You are still running and crying and ANITA I think you just peed your pants. I cant figure out what you are running from..Is it Ebola Zombies...I am looking deeply..You are still RUNNING, Good God woman!"

 Anita

 

 

The Good the Bad an the Ugly: Repeat

My first thoughts when I woke up besides "Coffee" was about Aunt Lo.
Today, Aunt Lo would be surrounded with her sister and her husband as she underwent her 3rd round of chemotherapy for Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

I had planned on running 5 miles easy today. 5 miles when training for a marathon is nothing special.
However, to me, these 5 miles were beyond special. I was again dedicating my miles to Aunt Lois.

I decided to kick it up a notch. I have been taking it very easy, to not wake a sleeping demon with my injury.
As I thought about Aunt Lois and this being her 3rd round of Chemo, I thought about REPEATS.
This next round for her is like a REPEAT.
Begrudgingly, she has to get back out there to get better.

I headed to the track at the gym directly after drop off for my boys.  My plan scared me. I thought, I want to get as close emotionally as I can to Aunt Lois. I had a lot of fears dancing around my head. I had enough Faith to trump those Fears and keep me moving forward in my plan. But the fear was in the shadow lands.

1 Mile WARM UP: Easy does it. As I gently ran around the track, I began to pray. I needed God to keep me Strong and Focused. During my warm up, I studied my plan and the purpose behind it. I took this mile to mentally prepare myself for what I was going to subject my body through. I prayed more.
 I prayed for Aunt Lois. I saw her doing her warm up, as she drove to the clinic. Oh, how her mind must have been really talking to her.

3 Miles of REPEATS apx: (The track at the gym is a little short) Without pacing myself.  1 lap slow, 1 lap fast: repeat for 16 laps.

1 Lap Slow: Easy up. That first lap you feel pretty good. You feel confident in your plan. You actually believe what you have posted in your mind. I could breath, My body felt good. My mind was stable. "I got this!"
2nd Lap Fast: This first lap even felt good. Yes, my heart was pounding out of my chest, I was moving. I felt so good even as I was racing around the track. The words that I spoke to myself  were still loud and clear, "You got this"

6 REPEATS went pretty good. My body, my mind and my mantra held fast. .

The 9th repeat, my voices were getting drowned out. The chatter in my head was getting gurgley.
This was a recovery lap. I want to walk. I wanted to quit. I wanted to slow down and crawl. I wanted to everything but get back up again and go fast.
Aunt Lois: Was this how she felt? Did she want to just stay put, not fight, not hurt?
Did she question the purpose of all this?
Was she fearful she was not going to be able to go another round? Even though she knew that in order to get better she had to push through the Good, the Bad and the Ugly?

It was time to grit it out again. The slow repeat was over. I had to pick it up. I had to pick it up for HER. I didn't want to. I was feeling weak. My legs were tired. My mind was confused on my purpose. I was so scared. Was there an easier process to get the same results? I looked forward. "God, I NEED you now." I NEED you to give me everything I do not have." I could feel fear of failure pumping through my veins.
I questioned how weak I was.

I welcomed my breather. My repeat was done. I was so thankful for another round completed.  I had less than a mile to go. I could see myself at the end. Catching my breath, I tried to reign in my thoughts. I tried to get control back. 2 more hard laps. I can do 2 more hard laps. RIGHT?

I saw the clock in front of me. My skin was beat red. Sweat was trickling in my temples. I reminded myself to check my posture. Remember to breath. Pick up your legs. Look forward. I was checking through my mind trying to think of all the things that will help me to finish strong. At this point, Just Finish.

That last fast repeat I entered into DREAD. I saw the line across the track.  I thought  "What if this is all for nothing?" Maybe I should just slow down. "God, give me strength." This foreign sound came out of my mouth. "Get control Anita"
"Aunt Lois, this is for you." I thought. I wanted to feel her pain. I wanted to be next her. What thoughts rented space in her head?
Did she feel Dread? Confusion? Fear? Did the Chatter drown out Gods promises for her? Could she hear God? Could she feel God?
It was EVERYTHING to Finish Now.
I knew That God was waiting for me at the finish.

Even though I finished my repeats I had to run a cool down.

4 1/2 Laps to Cool Down; I took this time as my Quiet Space. This was my time to recover both mentally and physically. This was my time I could reflect and KEEP going. It wasn't time to quit just yet. It was my time to take and Thank God for how far he carried me.
It was at this time that I had the thought "You are always in training" There is The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. But you do not have time to quit.

God gives us the opportunity to catch our breath before he sends us back out in the battlefield.
Right before we want to quit, he does something so miraculous. However, most of us never get that far!
We forget the plan. We loose our focus. We listen to the lies in our heads. We conform to mediocrity.
There is Not Enough time to lolly gag through LIFE.
You Have to GRIT it out. Fight the Fight. Give your All. And TRUST God in the Process. He is the Greatest Coach.

5 Miles Completed:
15 Minutes in the Cold Plunge
Rolled and stretched before and after my run
Ate Well : You are what you eat.

Aunt Lois made it through her treatment today. It lasts all day.
I am so proud of her.
Thank you to Rachel D and Terri W. for the Prayers and the Dedicated Miles.

Anita