Loyalties: Major on the Majors

Loyalty.

A strong and powerful word. A word said in the company of sentences like: 

"Where are your loyalties?"

"They are loyal to a default."

Loyalty carries a lot of weight. When people talk about loyalty, they usually mean commitment and dedication. 

Standing by someone.

Showing up.

Staying true.

But sometimes I think we miss the forest through the trees when it comes to loyalty. 

Sometimes we get so stuck on the idea of loyalty that we lose ourselves in it. We become obsessed with being loyal and don't see that we have become loyal to the wrong things, and in doing so we forget the things that actually deserve our loyalty. 

The wrong things are not necessarily "bad things", but we find that we don't always have a good outcome or we end up behaving bad to be loyal. 

I like to call this majoring on the minors. 

We stay committed to things that are small, temporary and honestly insignificant in the grand scheme of life. 

While sometimes we are loyal to BIG things, things or people of worth, but we lose ourselves in their cause. 

For me loyalty starts with my GOD, myself and my family. 

But sometimes we find ourselves giving our loyalty to things outside of that inner sacred circle-organizations, obligations, expectations, opinions and even passions. We give our loyalty to people outside our intimate circle finding our inner circle suffering.

Before we realize it, we've sacrificed our peace, our relationships, and even pieces of ourselves trying to remain loyal to things that make a difference on this side of heaven. 

True loyalty should never cost us the very thing it was meant to protect. 

THE RUNDOWN

LOYALTY. How it collides with my life right now. I have been asked to step into some big roles with the ladies at church and my training program has made a big turn into the land of "grit." 

I have wrapped myself up tighter, isolated a bit more to protect my loyalties. 

Majoring on the majors. 

Loyalty has to show up in my miles. Running has a funny way of exposing what you are loyal to. It is easy to be loyal when the sun is shining, the legs feel good (I don't even know what good feels like anymore) and the miles click effortlessly. But loyalty shows up on hard days. 

Like this last weekend when I had 2 back-to-back 25-mile training runs, I had to prepare for a 10-minute teaching in Romans and teach it with feedback from the elders at church and another 20-ish other people. As well as prepare for my teaching this Tuesday for our ladies' ministry. 

MY HEAD WAS SPINNING. 

The weather was less than stellar, and I couldn't start one of my runs until after my teaching at 1pm. 

Yeah, loyalty shows up on the hard days, the windy days, the busy days etc....

TRAINING requires loyalty. 

Loyalty to the PLAN, the PROCESS, and loyalty to showing up when no one is watching. 

But here's the thing I have learned: running loyalty rarely happens alone. 

THIS WEEKEND PROVED THAT.

Alecia and Julie rolled in at 1pm for my first 25-mile-long run. ONE o'clock. Not the normal, civilized runner hour. And even when their bodies were failing, they didn't quit back to the car- maybe back to the bathroom or the ditch, but they never quit! And even Andy came out to save me for my last 5 miles to bring me in. 

Then SUNDAY, Christina was ready and waiting to grit out another 25 miles with me Sunday. And Pam and Lynn jumped in for the second loop of 12 miles, topping their milage to bring Christina and I in. 

And that second loop is really special. That's the one everyone smells questionable, conversations are getting quirky, or I am, and nobody is sure if their legs are still attached.  

THIS is being loyal to the run, and to one another. 

Sometimes the greatest reminder of God's faithfulness isn't found at the finish line...

It is found in the people He sends to run the road beside you. 

"Individual commitment to a group effort-that is what makes team work." Vince Lombardi

In Peace, Not Pieces,

ANITA

When the Bar is Low

 

Life does not have to be perfect, to find some gratitude. 

With my hands reaching high, my eyes closed to my surroundings, my heart wide open-tears streaming down my face-I sang. 

A voice untamed and shaky lyrics pressed deep into my wounds. My posture upright but my soul humble in awe.

The words were caressing my soul:

"Anita, how did we make it out, the bar was so low..." 

My big brother calls me, and we hold these deep, intimate conversations about healing and grace, the grace only the Lord can give. We laugh.

We cry. 

But we always give God the glory.  

The grace that redeemed orphaned siblings. The grace that protected the little dirty "ragamuffins" that no one wanted.

Nobody wanted my brother and me. 

But God. 

The Lord never let us go. He had a plan and a purpose for us. 

He is the "Father to the fatherless". Psalm 68:5

Some days I long for my parents. 

I grieve memories that never existed. 

Beautiful people with a terrible addiction. 

Oh, the pain of addiction, of abandonment. 

The pain of being traded in for a case of beer, a bottle of pills, the pain of being discarded for love, for getting high, or getting numb. 

OH, But the BEAUTY. 

The Lord had a plan and a purpose for it all.

The Lord called me by name.

He held me in His arms, protecting me. 

He was forgiving me for so many ugly things I did from that wounded heart. 

The days that death washed over me, the depths of darkness, He pulled me out and strengthened me through those blackened nights. 

Because there is JOY IN THE MORNING. 

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

I just had to make it one more day. 

Sometimes, I see those scars on my arms and I feel my stomach turn inside out. 

He had a plan for me. 

The Lord is Father to the fatherless. 

He counseled me. 

He forgave me.

He equipped me.

He LOVED me when I couldn't love myself. 

He taught me to not GIVE UP even when everyone gave up on me. 

RUNDOWN:

My running is a biproduct of my survival story. To survive I had to learn to persevere. I had to learn to not give up or give in. 

I had to learn this thing called GRACE. 

I had to learn how to climb the mountain.

 BUT when I reached the top....I had to learn something harder-to look BACK over the path I climbed.  

The path climbed in humility, and without bitterness. 

The climb, the terrain, the wilderness, the savage predators, the wounds along the way were conquered. 

NOT because I was strong. 

Because the Lord never left me and never forsook me. 

"Though my father and mother forsook me, the Lord will receive me." Psalms 27:10

 Even when I FELT alone, abandoned and rejected.

The Lord prepared me all those painful years ago. 

Here I am. 

I am 5 weeks out from a 100K.

 12 weeks from Western States 100.

An EPIC Dream, I thought for sure was never going to happen just 9 weeks ago.

 

"Work like it depends on you but pray like it depends on the LORD."

But don't you dare give up. 

No matter how low the bar was set, no matter how impossible dreams look- life looks, don't GIVE UP. 

I got in 10 miles in Metamora this morning. Sarah and I hit the backroads in horse-country, hill terrain. She dragged me up those hills, and I chased her heels a lot faster than I expected to. I think the training is actually working! And the healing! 

Speaking of chasing, that's what my brother and I do, a lot different than we did when we were kids. Today we chase each other with encouragement and the Word. We chase each other towards healing, grace, and the life God somehow carved out for us in a world that didn't expect much from us. 

The bar may have been set low.

But GOD was quietly building endurance. 

IN Peace, 

Not Pieces,

ANITA~

Me, Bobby, Gina. 
When we were in foster homes, my sister was the youngest, she was so adorable and smaller. A couple fell in love with her and wanted to adopt her. 
That's another story. 

Shadows

 "Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first and the lesson afterward." Oscar Wilde

They are everywhere. 

Some I try to make friends with and some I try to out run, out hide...out wit.

Some I can shake off and some are relentless, lurking, searching, and chasing me down.

Some I can't live without and some come and go.

Saturday, I was on a long run. They came after me before my run, and ran like a monkey on my back during. 

But I discovered I am not alone. 

Somewhere on the backroads we ran. I felt them on my heels as I tried to get distracted by the voice of another. The stories of another. 

A detour from self I engaged in another. 

She spoke of deep hurt. The kind of hurt that wraps you so tight the breath in your lungs escapes you. 

The sort of affliction that grabs your voice and you tremble. 

The soreness in your heart that your eyes weep without knowing. 

I saw her tears resting on her cheek even after the mile we ran. 

I also felt them. 

Shadows

The shadows of yesterday.

The painful phantoms of heartache.

They show up in words, in memories, in moments, in failures and even in fabrications. We live with them and some we can't live without. We love them and we hate them. 

They grasped me somewhere on the backroads alongside her. Gently, they held me as they opened my heart up. 

THE RUNDOWN:

 "No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." Phil. 3:13-14

What are we listening to? What are we exploring? 

Shadows can be the words that we hear. The moments we retrieve. Some haunt us. I hear the words said and unsaid and if not managed they will hurt me and hold me back from the calling the Lord has on me. 

And have. 

Before I started my run I was weighed down by the shadows of fear. I was having a party of all the ugly. 

I prayed for the Lord to guide me through the ugly that was afraid of the BACK to BACK runs. 

I recovered in confidence collecting all the victories the Lord had given me. 

Saturday 25miles

Sunday 20miles

And I had to JUST DO IT. Forward is FORWARD. It's releasing what is behind, mistakes, setbacks, even past victories can trip you up, but PRESS ON. 

Shadows only exist because there is LIGHT. The Lord is my Light. My Hope. My Forward.

Because I feel moving FORWARD the shadows fall behind me! 

I do not have to fight every shadow; I just have to keep walking in the LIGHT. 

SPEAKING OF LIGHT....

Hal Koerner said 69 miles for the week. 

The SUN showed up. My friends showed up. 71 Miles for the week! 

Nailed the B2B.

Sunshine therapy, laughter and strong women. Let's GO 100K in APRIL!! 

GLORY TO GOD!!!

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita

Holy Grit or Hidden Pride? Exposed.

"Training is not about torturing yourself, it is about having fun." Lornah Kipagat

Things are coming together. As tragic as it is being injured there is really a place for it. The very human part of me does not initially look at setbacks with grace and acceptance. I have to settle into it. I go through all the stages of GRIEF. Because it is literally like a loss. 

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: Stages of GRIEF

1: DENIAL

Grief: "This really isn't happening..." 

Injury Version: It's just sore, I can run through it. 

Denial protects you at first, protecting you from the punch. 

2. ANGER

Grief: " Why is this happening to me?

Injury Version: "I am so frustrated, no one else seems to get injured..."

Anger shows how much you care, your passion. 

3. BARGAINING

Grief: "If I do/don't do this...Maybe it will be better."

Injury Version: "I'll bring down my miles, skip speed work and get better at stretching and rolling..."

We try to control what is uncontrollable. 

4. DEPRESSION

Grief: "This really hurts..." 

Injury Version: "Will I ever get better, maybe this is the beginning of the end..." 

This stage was me all of January, this was heavy and dark. Running does NOT define me, however, it is a sacred outlet for therapy, prayer and a rhythm of peace and comfort. 

5. ACCEPTANCE

Grief: This is what it is. Now What? 

Injury Version:  "If this is the Lords will, I ask for peace.  Healing is training too." 

Acceptance doesn't mean I am in happy with my current circumstance, but it means I am down trying to maneuver my way out of it. I am done fighting truth and I am ready to listen to a voice bigger than my own. 

STUBBURNESS: Exposed

When I finally owned my position of injury, when I accepted, I was part of the problem as well, things started to soften. I was NOT just a victim; I was also a contributor. 

Epiphanies were sprouting. 

Sometimes STUBBURNESS can be our advocate and sometimes it can be our enemy. 

Sometimes it is GRIT.

Sometimes it is RESILIENCE.

Sometimes it is the holy refusal to quit. 

BUT sometimes it is EGO dressed up as perseverance stamina and strength. .

I have actually caught myself bragging about how stubborn I am and until recently I have discovered that I have invited stubbornness to actually hurt me. 

Stubbornness is a form of EGO. 

What is beneath stubbornness: CONTROL. 

Stubbornness says I WILL. 

FAITH says: THY WILL. 

In my stubbornness I wasn't fighting injury, I was fighting SURRENDER. 

A hard and stubborn heart makes us unteachable. When I refused to listen to my body I also was not allowing the Lord to speak into me. 

I wasn't being tough, I was being PROUD. 

And PRIDE invites consequences. It hurts in many ways. For me, it injury my body. But it can injury your relationship with the Lord and with others. 

Being stubborn is not a badge of honor. Stubbornness without surrender becomes SELF-RELIANCE.

The Lord doesn't need my grit. 

He desires my OBEDIENCE. 

That's a humble reminder I needed. 

STUBBURNESS says "I will do whatever it takes no matter what.." 

SURRENDER says "Die to self, I trust YOU Lord."

Stubbornness can look holy.

It can sound like grit.

It can even feel like strength. 

But stubbornness without humility becomes resistance to correction and does not allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you. You deny access for the Holy Spirit to counsel you. 

One of my ongoing prayers is asking the Lord to "Take this stony heart and give me a heart of flesh." 

THE RUNDOWN:

Feb 9-Feb15th- 67.71 miles

I hit my miles for the first time!! 

Saturday: 22 miles (1/2 marathon trail at the tail end of milage

Sunday: 10 miles 1/2 snowy trails

Monday: BEST RUN yet, 12 miles of Hill repeats, NO pain and a 9:20min/mi. with over 1000ft of elevation gain. 

Still doing all my strength work 5 days a week. 

When I look honestly at my injury, I see places where I didn't just persevere, I insisted. 

And insisting is a whisper of PRIDE. The injury didn't create stubbornness, It REVEALED it! 

And once revealed, I had a choice:

DEFEND it and Die on that Mountain.

Or SURRENDER it. Let it go and seek the Lord in obedience. 

Not MY Will 

but THY WILL. 

Healing begins to happen in softening soil. 

 

THIS WEEK wasn't strong because I pushed harder. Honestly, when it came to the race, we were the last to cross the starting mats and some of the last to cross the finish mats too! It was strong because I listened to surrender. And maybe that's the kind of stubbornness worth keeping: the kind that is stubborn about obedience not EGO. 

Special THANK YOU to RUNNIN GEAR! I lost one shoe of my new shoes I purchased in January from Runnin Gear and they gave me a brand new pair, and a JESUS. 

If you need shoes, walking, running or gear, they will take great care of you. 

In Peace, Not Pieces, 

Anita

Forward is still Forward

 

From Crawling to running, there is PROGRESS! 

I am on track with my training, but not because I powered through... Apparently, I am not good at reading a training plan, I mistakenly calculated a week wrong in my favor! 

I spent way too much time staring at the plan, the calendar and counting weeks. I was erasing, rewriting, revisiting and feeling like my brains were about to explode in confusion. Confusion turned to disbelief then disbelief turned to joy. 

"You are going to be fine in 4 weeks..." I heard echoing from each professional I saw and as I recalibrated my plan I was grinning with gratitude. I wanted to hand out high fives to all of them at that moment. 

More than that, I am standing in humble posture, recognizing that the Lord is restoring me, slowly, in His timing, intentionally, and far better than I would have scripted. 

I am choosing to honor the slow healing with encouragement for the little things. The little things are adding up one mile at a time. 

This Weekend Proved That

I got my long run in: 19 miles Saturday, 12 miles Sunday, and I started this week with 13 trail miles. My body held together better than duct tape. I held my thoughts captive convincing myself of positivity and self-discipline.  Every mile I wanted to dance as much as I was running to celebrate! 

 THE LONG RUN: Two stupid things in one day!

Saturdays long run had a deadline because I was scheduled for a 1pm Polar Plunge supporting Special Olympics. I wanted 19-20 miles before I jumped in the icy lake I showed up early at the Moose Lodge to start my run and a friend would join me in the stupid decisions for the back half of my run and the plunge. 

It was 19', the roads barely had a shoulder to run, and the sky was bright blue, but the cold was bitter. But somehow the cocktail worked, I ran rather comfortable. I was mostly excited that I made it through 19 outdoor miles without freezing or getting hit by a car. 

So, the outdoor miles and jumping in a lake wearing a bright orange TUTU might not be on most people's list for the day, or maybe even lifetime but I was actually secretly excited about both of them. 

And the Polar Plunge had crazy energy and hype. And if I am being honest, it was actually a lot of fun and I didn't die. The water was over my head, but it was actually WARMER than the outdoor air! 

I got to run all over again the next day at Indian Springs with 7 incredible women. Most of them are like me, over 50 and still trying to compete with our younger selves. We laughed, encouraged one another, listened, cut up and just enjoyed playing outside together. 

RUNDOWN:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

MONDAY: The run I feared. 

Today was a run I had been avoiding for 2 weeks, TRAILS. 

I knew I had to get back on the trails, but I had a dozen excuses that I needed to combat. 

The trails at Holly Rec, Wilderness trail a rolling 6-mile loop. I had convinced myself it was going to be disaster. Funny how our minds hijack us into defeat before we even start.

I had to take several thoughts captive. Flip the script. Override the lies. Even at 52, with insecurities that try to settle in, I had to battle not to listen. 

"Take every thought captive to obey Christ..." 2 Cor. 10:5

I am who He says I am. 

And it couldn't have been more perfect. 13 miles. 6 with a friend, seven solo. Strong. Steady. Free. 

When my run becomes a crawl...Or when life becomes a crawl, we remind ourselves: 

FORWARD is still FORWARD. 

The Lord wants to do a work in us, but he also wants us to do some work also. I still have a lot of work to do, but I am so grateful He trusts me to do it. 

Slow healing. BIG joy. God is Faithful. Day by Day. Mile by Mile. 

Special THANK YOU to Sailfish Pools and Parkers Hilltop for generous donations. And thank you to ALL who donated to me for Special Olympics. 

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita

Momentum over Perfection

"You don't have to be extreme, just consistent." Kara Goucher

Last October was the beginning of the end. 

November was acknowledging there was a significant problem, injury was no longer denied. 

December was letting my body recover and seeing professionals for an actual diagnosis. 

I saw Dana Anderson a chiropractor, he informed me I had a back problem.

I saw my primary who sent me for x-rays and Pt.

I saw the PT at my athletic club who also confirmed it was a back problem. 

I did 4 weeks of PT 3 days a week at 80$ a pop! out of pocket. I felt more broke when I finished!

I prayed. Like anyone in desperation. I thought surely the Lord was sick of hearing from me. And to pray over my running...I wondered if the Lord was eye rolling at my requests as He was taking care of world catastrophes. 

All the professionals gave me HOPE and ENCOURAGMENT. Each saying "If you do everything we say, you will be up and running WSR in June is no problem. 

And yet I felt so hopeless and depressed. 

Fear was infiltrating me faster than hope. 

I couldn't tie my shoes, I couldn't pick my legs up to go into a run position, I couldn't sit for long periods, and I was in constant pain. 

Between my back, my piriformis and my sciatica, the drama of life, pain was speaking loudly and the winter blues were a sure calling. 

Stepping in February

• My fitness isn't on point, but my injury is about 90% healed. 
• I have a 100K at the end of April, this will be my first test of what Western States training will look like. 
• I started in the back for training, so far behind I couldn't even look at the plan. When I finally did in the beginning of January ONE thing was clear- momentum matters more than perfection. 

So I knew I just had to start showing up in ANY capacity, and at that point it was mostly MENTAL. The Mind has to direct you, that is our first discipline. 

• I allowed myself to embrace every mile with celebration and gratitude.

Yesterday, I allowed myself to literally do a Happy Dance! I finished my 3rd-double digit running day in a row for the first time in months. I was able to get my first 60 mile run week since last fall. 

Intentionally Rebuilding

• No chasing SPEED.
• No worrying about hills or elevation.
• Just laying down base miles and slowly rebuilding endurance. 

The real work is happening in the shadows of the run:

• Daily physical therapy exercises (the unglamorous but necessary work)
• Massage (not so relaxing kind)
• Compression boots Andy got me-30 minutes every day (absolute GAME CHANGER)
• MSM Powder my friend Lynn gave me. This VILE powder has been undeniably helpful for muscular recovery. I should be significantly sore with my increasing milage but I am NOT!

RUNDOWN: Behind 

Saturday: 18 miles

Sunday: 10 miles

Monday: 12 miles

Yesterday, was a solo run, a total mental game. I knew my strength had to come from my mind more than my legs. We had another snow alert and with 6 more weeks of winter I was cursing the groundhog. This season is teaching me something deeper than training:

• Pain leaves us vulnerable
• Vulnerability requires safe places
• FAITH calls us to stay encouraged by the little things and motivated by the milestones

This isn't about perfect training. It is about PROTECTING my headspace. It's about GRATITUDE-for every mile, every exercise, and every sign of healing. 

If your feeling behind, weary, or unsure, know this: God honors FORWARD MOTION, NOT perfection. Keep showing up with what you have today-The Lord will meet you right where you are at and carry the rest. 

Faithfulness is never wasted. 

"Let us grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up." Gal: 6:9

In Peace, Not pieces,

Anita

Holding Onto Hope

 

"Sometimes success is just getting to the starting line healthy and believing you belong there." 

Des Linden 

For many, December is a month filled with anticipation and joy. For me, it carries weight. This past December, I turned 52, the same age my mom was when she overdosed and died, December 8th.

That monumental milestone landed heavier than expected and quietly pulled me into a disguised depression. That's a lot of years to not have a mother. 

While the world glowed with holiday cheer, for some of us we have a private battle raging inside. You learn to show up, smile, and perform, because heaven forbid grief makes others uncomfortable. Yet grief doesn't follow a timeline. It resurfaces in moments and milestones, in movies and in music. No matter how much time has passed, like over 30 years, this year turning 52 brought that sharp loss back into focus. I missed my mother's phone calls, even if they were dysfunctional. 

A old friend of mine lost her son one year ago. In her grief, Kris shared that it felt like nobody really cares. I tried to comfort her, even as I understood the ache behind her words. Some losses are not something we "get over". We simply learn how to carry them. 

INSULT added to INJURY

Being injured and another year older doesn't help. 

And the daily noise of life can feel like insult added to injury. But a quick trip to see my siblings in Florida lifted my spirits in a mighty way. 

Progress with the Piriformis.

I have been in physical therapy for nearly 3 weeks now, working through a back issue that has affected both my running and my confidence. For the FIRST time since October, I ran over 45 miles!! This included a 15-mile-long run on Saturday, my longest run in months! I felt a lil stronger, more hopeful, a little faster and best of all, I didn't have lingering pain afterward. The PT's have been encouraging and confident that I'll be ready to roll come Western States. I have a 100K in April, and while I am a couple weeks behind, I am choosing to build slowly and wisely. 

I am 13 miles behind Hal Koerners plan for me. But progress weighs in more than perfection. I am learning to rest in what was accomplished rather than obsess over what wasn't. 

THE RUNDOWN

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

I read this and am encouraged the Lord is taking care of me both emotionally and physically. 

I am clinging to HOPE. Hals Training plan says 68 miles, which is NOT happening this coming week, But I am prayerfully aiming for 50. I have PT 3 times with week...If it doesn't financially break me. I'm already broken I don't need help there!

Winter has a way of slowing everything down. The days are darker. The body is tired. The soul feels heavier. But WINTER is not wasted time I keep telling myself. Beneath the frozen ground, roots are strengthening. Healing is happening even when growth isn't visible. 

 Faith, like endurance grows when we keep showing up. 

Here is to Holding onto Hope. 

Weekly miles: 45

Monday: 14miles

Wednesday: 3 miles

Thursday: 6 miles

Saturday: 15miles

Sunday: 6 miles

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita