Suffer now, success later.

"You think darkness is your ally. But you merely adopted the dark." Bane

 

I bundled up in my 3 wintery layers, favorite running vest and trail shoes. I packed my gym bag with an apple and threw my hydration vest on top. I was over an hour later than I wanted and rushing out the door would mean the inevitable return to the house for something I forgot, like my new Vo2 mask. 

Andy forgot to give me a Christmas present. It was an Elevation Training Mask. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I laughed because I knew I would be crying later.

Layered up and ready to use my new training tool I headed to Holly Rec to run the Wilderness loop a couple times. 

As I put the mask over my face, I got tickled with a vision of Alec trying it on when Andy gave it to me on Christmas. Alec was doing push-ups, reciting popular Bane quotes from Batman. It was quite entertaining. 

I heard "You think darkness is your ally..." as I entered the trail. My footprints blazed the path with a smirk on my face as I hoped I wouldn't run into anyone with this goofy looking mask over my face. 

THE Mask: A Torture Tool 

September, I am running a race in Colorado, to prepare for the elevation and thinner air Andy bought me the mask. 

Not even 10 minutes into my run I was reciting my morning scripture, "I am your refuge and your strength..." because I was trying not to go into a full-blown panic attack. 

I couldn't get a full breath due to the restriction of air in the mask and it was at the easiest setting!  I have been training hills to prepare and I could barely run over a speed bump without walking with the mask on. 

My mind was racing, "How am I going to run over 5 more miles with this device strapped to my face?" 

I tried to calm myself down, even with my speaker cranking out my favorite tunes I could hear the desperation in my breathing. 

I wanted so badly to pull the mask off and toss it. I finally hit the first mile at almost 11 minutes. My mind was racing along with my heartrate as I began to make an endurance plan. I needed a plan or I would just quit. I knew I couldn't run the hills or I would never make it out of the woods alive.  I decided to go slow, walk the hills and try to stay calm. 

As I approached 2 miles, I could feel snot starting to drip in the mask, I had felt it but tried to ignore it as it rested on my lips, gross. I had to lift the mask and blow out my nose. Cold fresh air instantly filled my lungs like a lifeline. I felt like I was cheating and quickly put the mask back over my nose. I realized very quickly I needed to blow my nose again. I added to the plan more suffering, only once a mile would I blow my nose. 

As I came to mile 3, I knew I was on the struggle bus. I tried to run as fast as I could on the down hills because the hills were crushing me. I saw a man walking his dog and quickly tried to hide my mask because I looked like a weirdo. But a half a mile later I saw a lady snowshoeing and I didn't want to scare her, so I dropped the mask down and used that as a opportunity to blow another snot rocket. 

Mile 4 was pure agony, or I am a royal wuss. I felt like I was walking more than I was running. I couldn't get my heartrate to come down. It felt like when I had cancer and couldn't control my breathing. I tried to convince myself it was "good training". But then I felt like a masochist because I was in such agony. 

The one good thing about the mask was that it kept my face warm. I tried to think of all the positives. I coached myself into believing how benifial this would be for Run Rabbit Run. 

"SUFFER Now Anita for SUCCESS later." In my oxygen deprived brain I was pretty impressed with my new mantra. 

Almost to mile 5, I saw another hill and began whining as I saw a biker coming down. I grabbed the mask and yanked it under my chin. The guy was really nice and motioned me to keep moving up the hill. He had no idea I wanted to stop and let him pass in weakness, I forced a smile "Thank you, have fun" I faked cheerfulness. But then I got tickled at his response, "You too kiddo"! 

Out of site I quickly tugged the mask over my nose and giggled. 

"Kiddo" baa haa, not too bad for 49 years old! I haven't been called "Kiddo" in 20 years and I definitely didn't feel like a "Kiddo" in my agony. 

Mile 5 came with intensity. That last mile the trail had more traffic on it making it difficult to trudge through. I realized due to the mask I hadn't drank any water or eating anything all morning. 

I came up on a couple with 3 dogs. I saw them before they saw me making it easy to conceal my mask. I was more worried about the dogs freaking out on me with it on. But as soon as I pulled it up, I detected a problem, I couldn't hear my breathing and I wasn't winded. Cold air seeped into the mask, I reached my fingers up and noticed I lost my screen. I was bummed out, I put my fingers over the hole to continue suffering the last mile. My legs felt drained, I was so tired I tried to count my distance to distract me. But with my hand over my face, I made a turn, and my wobble sticks went in a different direction and down I went. I am always trying to find the silver lining and hidden behind the mask I smiled because my fall was cushioned by the snow, and I jumped up quickly to finish. 

Seeing the opening in the trail was like heaven opening up to welcome me home. I hit my watch and ripped that mask off. 

I went to my truck and joyfully tucked the "training tool" in my bag and started my watch for another 6 miles. 

WILDERNESS Trail 12.03 miles

• First 6 miles: 1:15
• Second 6 miles: 1:07
• Total time: 2:22:27
• Training effect: 4.7
• Average pace: 11:50
• Average heart rate: 140 
• Max heart rate: 165
• Elevation: 1,093
• Time in Heart Rate Zones: 
• *Zone 3: 40:02
• *Zone 4: 1:19:46
• *Zone 5: 10:19 
• Run Time: 2:04:18
• Walk time: 15:51
• Idle Time: 2:18
• Calories burned: 1,055

RUNDOWN: 

"I was wondering what would break first-your spirit...or your body" Bane

Running in the mask today triggered my running with cancer. I couldn't get control of my body. I struggled to control my heartrate, my breathing and even my energy escaped me. My thoughts were intense with fear as I felt myself on the edge of mayhem. I refused to quit. 

With snot dripping down my nose, my eyelashes frozen together, my lungs ready to burst, I refused to break. 

My spirit or my body? It's going to have to be my body. My body has been broken MANY times. I have had people try to break my spirit; I have even had people tell me it is good to be broken. But NO! Only the Lord has that power. 

My spirit or my body? My body is powered by His spirit in me. My Faith. My Trust. My Reverence to Him. My Hope. My Love. 

His Grace. His Mercy. 

Desperately seeking TRAINING tips FOR running in ELEVATION!! 

Has anyone else ran in a Elevation Mask? 

In Peace, Not Peices,

Anita~

 

Rest from War

 "Then the land had rest from war." 

TRUST: from ourselves

Saturday morning, I awoke to a quiet house but there was an unsettling chatter in my heart. 

With my eyes opened, I felt the tears warm on my cheeks, I tried to locate reality but stirred to confusion. 

I quietly snuck out of the bedroom seeking truth because I couldn't trust myself. 

I didn't trust my thoughts, my tears, or my confusion, all I knew was my heart was aching and I was grieving. 

I felt like I had wrestled all night long with grief, I dreamed of my grandma all night and she was alive. 

She was talking to me. I could see her; I could feel her, but I couldn't find her in actuality, and I missed her so much. 

December is a hard month for me, and many. The month of celebrating for so many is also a month of quiet grieving for me. 

TRUST: to others

A few weeks ago, my girlfriends and I went down to Detroit for a holiday event. We started out at Campus Martius to enjoy the city celebrations. 

We walked through an entrance with a security guard sitting behind a table. Us girls had just gotten our photo taken, and the security guard joined in our excitement. She wanted to see our photo and with laughter she commented how adorable we all looked together. 

BUT then she followed it up with "I don't have any close friends, I don't TRUST anyone."  Such a strong statement that made us all want to love on her all the more. 

Trust is invaluable. 

"Then the Land had rest from War." 

I have been reading in Joshua. Before I opened the word I prayed and asked the Lord to reveal His wisdom and understanding to me in the repetitive chapter I was in. 

The last few chapters I had read were composed of wars and land seized and it was a bit of a struggle to get through to be honest. Truth is without coffee I may have fallen asleep, just being honest! But then WOW! My pen was underlining, writing and downloading Gods insights into my heart. My thoughts were spinning as I related to the words of Caleb in the book of Joshua. 

"Nevertheless, my brethren who went up with me made the heart of the people melt with fear; but I followed the Lord my God fully."  14:8 Caleb to Joshua

"I am 85 years old today. I am still as strong today as I was in the day Moses sent me; as my strength was then, so my strength is now, for war and for going out and coming in."  14:10-11 Caleb in Faith to continue to fight believing that God would give the Land to the Israelites as The Lord had promised. 

 

"Perhaps the Lord will be with me, and I will drive them out as the Lord has spoken."  Caleb continues. 

* The Lord gave him the land because of his Faithfulness. 

*Fully following the Lord; In Faith

*The Lord provides strength to conquer more than our fears WITH faith. 

* Sometimes the land of our heart feels like it is constantly in battle. We are at war with ourselves, with others and struggle with who to trust. A war that hardly takes a breath. BUT through faithfulness the Lord provides the proper battles worth fighting for. He delivers not only victories in "those" battles but REST from them also. 

I have jumped in the battlefield, armored up and ready to fight but the war was NOT of God. Truth is when I battle using my faith, trusting God in the battles of life they may not always look like victory but there is PEACE and that is a place of REST. 

The land of my heart seeks rest from constant battling. We live in a battlefield. 

Today it was freezing out. 

I battled where I was going to run, outside in the cold or around and around inside at the track. 

I battled getting to the gym and trying not to make a production of my run. But I prayed before I even had my shoes laced up for the Lord to give me the kind of strength Caleb had at 85.  

Our battles are not always about conflict with others, often times for me it is my internal conflict. 

It is learning to trust myself or like the security guard learning to trust others, that is always a battle. 

Just because people don't necessarily look like they are in a battle doesn't mean the land of their heart is restful. 

As we go through this holiday let us give grace to others, extending compassion and love.  Let us remember the power of a smile, the gift of a kind word. I pray that you find REST in this season.

I would encourage you to read Joshua. This book has encouraged me to fight the good fight with The Lords strength and perseverance.  "Fear Not". 

In peace, not pieces,  

Anita~

 

In my Fear

 "Thus far you shall come, but no farther..." Job 38:11

Is it fear that drives you? 

It does me, when it comes to stepping out of my comfort zone. 

A couple weeks ago, maybe a few now I signed up for a race WAY OUT of my comfort zone. 

Run Rabbit Run 50 out in Colorado. I had my eye on this race all year, knowing it would be like nothing I had ever done. The elevation, the terrain and the weather would all be out of my elements. 

There is something about that, that just scares me. Just being honest. 

In that fear, is where I find my weakness.

In that fear, is where I find my shortcomings. 

In my fear, is where I find my deficiencies. 

In my fear, is where I find my fragility. 

In my fear, is where I find my powerlessness. 

For my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

And I love that place. 

 For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10

In my fear, I push myself afraid of failure. I can accept failure. However, I cannot accept not putting in the work to prevent it. 

JOB 38:11

Today was day three of hard workouts, today was probably one of the hardest running workouts I have done in a while. 

As I reached the top of another God forsaken hill I could hardly breath, think, or make it to the top when I hear "Thus far you shall come but no farther." 

"What? what does that mean?" I winced in agony trying not to collapse. Joe repeated it at the top looking fresh as a daisy while Rachel and I were still contemplating another loop of suffering. 

"Job 38:11" Joe said with a smirk. Rachel and I looked at each other quite shocked that Joe flippantly spouted off this scripture. 

I figured out it meant that was the end of the first loop of our suffering.  While it was taken out of context, I did figure it out!

The top photo is this mornings run in total, Rachels Garmin. 
Bottom left is mine along with my fun run with Andy tonight! 
Bottom right is about the only flat we ran this morning, I was able to take it because I wasn't dying!

HILLS

Hills are my nemesis. I am terrible at running them. My weak link, next to running in the snow.  

I did a lot of praying on the second loop. The three of us ran individually towards the end, each one of us doing our own thing to the end.  Next to praying I continued to remind myself of the elevation I needed to train for Run Rabbit Run in September. 

RUN RABBIT RUN

"The 50 mile race starts bright and early at 6 AM at the Steamboat Springs ski area (elevation, 6,900 feet) on Saturday, September 16th 2023 and proceeds up, up, up to Mount Werner (elevation, 10,568 feet) then goes up and down and up and down some more and then across the Continental Divide to Rabbit Ears Mountain (elevation, 10,500 feet) before heading back and way down to the ski area."

Back to FEAR. 

I am no spring chicken; truth is I am turning 49 this month. Training at this point I feel like fine china.  

I am working doubly as hard to just maintain. 

When I got in the car after running 2 loops, almost 12 miles I was stoked! I DID the hard stuff today. I did it scared and excited and wrapped up in fear and faith. 

I praised God for the strength He gave me. I praised God for the perseverance He provided me. 

I couldn't stop smiling. I went into it so nervous, and I came out of it accomplished. 

Not by my strength, my power, my talent, but by His power through me. 

Fear can drive us.

Fear can lead us.

BUT FEAR DOESN'T HAVE TO OWN US. 

In Peace, Not Pieces, 

Anita~

"Remember this"

 "You cannot keep people from rejecting you. But you can keep rejections from enraging you." Max Lucado. 

My afternoon appointment cheerfully arrived early. "Jack" is the name I will use to protect him. Jack is 16 at 6'4, tall, slender, loves hockey, athletic and one of my favorites. I have been cutting Jacks hair for a few years now. When he talks he looks directly into your eyes, into your heart with a gentle and excitable character. His parents are divorced, and he lives with his mother.  His mom is beautiful, trying desperately to be a good mother and she is. I fell in love with him the first time I met him, the way he talked about his little brother was so endearing. I could tell his heart was soft, vulnerable, precious. 

Jack comes in towering over me with a genuine welcome that makes me even feel special and I think, "This is my job". 

"HELLO, Jack! How are you?" I look up at him and his smile melts my heart. 

He shares his joys with me, "Hey! I am back on the ice..." 

And we talk about that as I wash his hair, all the little details, because it's always the little things. 

BUT THEN, I bring up those little things from his last appointments, I ask questions. The hard questions, the painful questions, the questions that no one really asks. 

Jacks story is similar to mine. 

Broken.

Painful. 

hurtful. 

A father who struggles and a son who is damaged in his father's pain. 

And Jack talks, and talks, his face is getting redder, "I wouldn't go to his "F-ing grave if he died..." He cried. Like we were the only two in all of the world, he shared his deepest hurts. I knew he was sharing things for the first time and he knew I was safe. I set my scissors down and wrapped my arms around him, "cry, cry, be angry, be mad, be hurt, feel it all, but don't let that anger conquer you...." 

"And remember this, life will make you Bitter or life will make you Better, don't let it make you bitter, don't give it that power...." 

He shared so much more. I shared a small chapter of my story with him, he never thought I had that kind of ugly. "Jack, there are gonna be dark days, I am sorry, there are going to be days that feel like they are never gonna to end, days when everyone feels like they are against you, days when you feel like no one understands, Please Pause. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is truly by the grace of God I carry no bitterness or resentment for the petri dish of chaos, addiction and disfunction I grew up in.  

The truth is they were broken and hurting people themselves. I would give almost anything to hold my mother and tell her "I forgive you mom, I love you so much, you are amazing." If I could just tell her how beautiful she was, how special she was, how valuable she was, If I could just touch her, it never goes away. No bitterness, no anger, just love, so much love for my mother and father. 

Love covers all. Trust me, only the Love of the Lord could soften the heart of a child who lived in addiction, foster homes and abuse.  The Lord redeems and recovers. 

5 thoughts about addiction:

1. WORDS HURT: "Jack" kept reciting the words his father spoke over him, they haunted him, they broke him, they screamed at him tearing his innocence away. 
2. Is your own self growth abandoned waiting for others to change? Don't make others your excuse to get healing and growth. 
3. You do not have to go to every argument your invited to. Learn to walk away. Arguing with addiction, no one comes out uninjured. 
4. Detachment: I do not get mad and I do not get had. Learn to love with boundaries. 
5. Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until its faced. 

We should be reminded that it is healthy to react to life's pains, acknowledgment is the direct opposite of denial. 

"Love suffers long and is kind, love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil." Phil 2:14-15.

ABOVE all LOVE.  

RUNDOWN: 

Love does not get bitter. Wounded, hurt, and mistreated it might be, but love will always forgive.  

Sunday: 4 miles GAC

Monday: 7 miles Holdridge

Wednesday: 4miles, strength, row

Thursday: 9mi 

My miles are down but I am embracing it because there are some exciting things for next year. 

BIG SMILES....!! 

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita~

Danielle and I ran at Kensington today~