I HATE you.

 "He gives strength to the weary and increases power to the weak." Isaiah 40:29

Andys Aunt Lois sent me a rock of inspiration every treatment. 

3 years later...

This week, I have sent out cards, text messages, sent the rest of my scarves out and shared tears with those struggling with cancer, the family members or those who are scared they are walking into this journey. 

I have run to support the devastation you reaped. I have stuck my middle finger at you this week watching so many dissembled by your visit. I have sent flowers and read many messages of hope and hurt.  

I have prayed, cried and felt the darkness creep into my safe place. 

I HATE you cancer. 

• I hate that you are so misunderstood. 
• I hate that you are misdiagnosed. 
• I hate that you are misjudged. 
• I hate that you are misdirected. 
• I hate that you are misleading. 
• I hate that you are mistaken. 
• I hate you. 

I HATE YOU, 

Dr. Cotant stays so positive as he congratulated me a few weeks ago on my 3 years. But as I walk through the familiar doors that I did 2 times a week for months it still feels like home. I walk in with more than a smile and cookies, I am walking in with color in my cheeks, with hair on my head, with eyebrows and life. And I see those patients in the reclining chairs, pale, sick, and hooked up to hope burning through their veins. 

And I smile harder looking at them, hoping they could see more than my eyes as my smile is hidden behind a mask. I want them to see my heart. 

I am trying to not go off the deep end my heart hurts so bad for them. 

1st haircut for my first treatment. 

This week I scrambled through the house looking for my prescription for my pancreas screening. 

That stupid brca1 gene of mine. I have to get my pancreas scanned every year.  

• 3 years later I am still getting screenings. 
• 3 years later I have longer hair than I have had in 4 years, and I am about to cut it off!
• 3 years later I still have not gotten my muscle mass back. 
• 3 years later my memory still rides on the struggle bus. 
• 3 years later my scars are fading. 
• 3 years later those new boobies are beginning to relax and drop a bit.
• 3 years later I have paid all my bills, minus the one that just went to the creditor we missed! OOPS. 
• 3 years later I still believe cancer recreated me, softened me, grew me, delivered me. 
• 3 years later I still HATE cancer. 

I don't HATE what cancer did to me. Honestly, I am grateful for the journey cancer took me on. But

• I HATE the hurt it does to others. 
• I Hate to see the devastation. 
• I Hate to see families broken. 
• I Hate to see the hopelessness. 
• I Hate to see the fear. 
• I Hate to hear the whispers of judgment. 

RUNDOWN: 

Tomorrow Andy and I are going with Sarah heading 9 hours away to crew a friend of ours hoping to get his first 100-mile belt buckle! 

Tunnel Hill here we come! 

Andy and I will be crewing together during the day, and I will be running with him during the night while Sarah and Andy crew us through the night. 

I have been very blessed to have the others crew me and encourage me and I look forward to do the same! 

Me smiling...before I threw my back out! 

I went back to the gym this week and threw my back out, praying it heals up to run all night long, about 50 miles! 

Hot mess express!

• "Cancer: don't count the days, make the days count. "
• "And if cancer comes back, I'll keep fighting. "
• We can't control what life brings us, but we can control our response to it. 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. I am saved by his Grace. 

It was never in my strength. 

It was never my will. 

It was never my power.

It was never me. 

But His power through me. 

In Peace, not Pieces, 

Anita~