My "WHY", my inner child

 

It goes back many years now.

that little brown eyed girl.

her eyes shallow with fear,

her skin pale with innocence. 

dressed for the part but apart from it all. 

it goes back to That little girl. 

aware of the dysfunction

aware of the disconnect

aware of the disorder

aware of a disease.

it goes so far back before a conversation. 

not understanding

not comprehending

not at a place of security

and FAR from a place of peace. 

it goes back to a time undetermined.

it was a time of longing

it was a time of seeking

it was a time before GOD

it was a time of nothingness. 

it started with innocence removed

with security stripped away

with the noise of disorder

with the silence of depression

with my voice muffled but my heart screaming. 

it goes back to the inner Child

that small child begging for her mom to fight

that child pleading for her mother to not give up

that small child holding HER mother up each time she fell.

I learned to fight because i wanted my mother to. 

I learned to persevere because i needed my mother to.

I learned to be strong to take care of my broken heart.

losing your mom at 18 was hard, devastating. 

losing your mother to an overdose from addiction is a wound never healed

that inner Child is restless.

she was left with the insecurity of not being "enough"

an orphaned heart abandoned by addiction 

my WHY.

to fight the good fight.

that is where i found GOD

broken in a million pieces

a mess of confusion and conflict

on my knees

tear stained cheeks

ready to fight the world for redemption.

BUT GOD

He never took the fight out of me.

He just redirected it

my WHY isn't always Godly.

sometimes my WHY is still wanting the approval of a mom so far gone

sometimes wanting to hear the whisper of her telling me she is proud of me

sometimes i find myself listening quietly for " i love you anita", i am proud of you daughter". 

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From the outside looking in people create their own canvas of others. 

Sunday, I ran a 4-hour event and took 1st place female. It wasn't because I am anything special. It is truly by the grace of GOD. I give Him all the glory. The first-place male came up to me with the BIGGEST smile, "ANITA, Anita, you are a legend..." He was so kind, repeating it again with his Hispanic accent. I found myself blushing. I thought about my WHY. 

I watched a reality show called "Special Forces". As I watched the celebrities' performing tasks, I would find my hands clenched, inspired and annoyed by the celebrities. 

The celebrities undergo a lot of physical and emotional torment. When one of the celebrities is under scrutiny the trainers bring them in and ask them this, "WHAT IS YOUR WHY?" 

This question struck home for me as I pondered it for days. 

"WHATS YOUR 'WHY' ANITA?"

"WHY ARE YOU HERE, DOING WHAT YOUR DOING?" 

The tip of the iceberg is all I have revealed. It has been very therapeutic for me to write it out. There is much more below the surface. 

But when seeking God for an understanding greater than mine I have humbly recognized my 49 year old self still missing the affection of not just her mother but also her father. 

Still missing the affirmation. 

Still missing the compassion. 

Still missing the forgiveness.

And yes, even the pride of a parent. 

My WHY is never giving up like I felt they did. I couldn't fight for my parents, fight their fight. If I could have fought for them in hopes of saving them from addiction I would have fought all of hell, trust me, I tried. 

• 2 Chronicles 15:7 "But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded." 
• Gal. 6:9 " And let us not grow weary in well doing, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." 
• 2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 

In Peace, Not Pieces, 

Anita~