Unsteady

 

"It's not even about being negative. It's about being unsettled, unsatisfied, unfinished." 

Kevin Spacy

Everywhere around me someone is sick. Covid everywhere, the flu, sinuses, allergies and all kinds of funk everywhere. 

It seemed inevitable that I would get something, especially working with the public in such close proximity. 

My 50th birthday fell on a workday, and I felt like I had dodged a few bullets.  

Around 7pm our receptionist told me I had a visitor. 

I walked up front and screamed "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR"!! It was my brother from Florida!! 

Bobby wasn't supposed to come in until late the following day for Christmas.  

I was so stoked. 

The following day, Thursday morning, I continued in my morning routine, coffee, bible, and then my brother comes out to join me. 

It was going to be a great day!

Until my stomach began to churn. 

I began to feel UNSTEADY. 

A very rapid decline in my health and a very mortifying display of bodily fluids knocked me out. 

Shamefully, I locked myself in the bedroom where I found Andy was also sick. 

I laid in bed in a fetal position, sad at the timing but slightly crazy with laughter at the timing as well. 

So UNSTEADY. 

I did what I do often. PRAY. 

"Lord, please heal my body, recover me, redeem me, please remove this sickness so I can enjoy my brother...."

And YES, less than 24 hours later I was back in the saddle! 

RUNDOWN

I took 5 days off from running without a care. I was so excited to spend time with my brother. 

And I did. 

Christmas day everyone was gone. I felt physically well by emotionally I was wrecked. 

USTEADY yet again.

I laced up my shoes and went out for a THERAPY SESSION. 

I did all I knew, RUN and PRAY. 

I thought my legs would feel foot loose and fancy, but they were heavy, and sluggish like my mental state. 

I prayed harder. 

I ran harder. 

I ran longer. 

I found this little smile cracking. I changed my mental dialogue. 

I WAS BACK. 

HEALING. 

Our WEAKNESS can be turned to STRENGTH. 

When my battles are waged in FAITH, I can conquer both physical and emotional illness. 

Yankee Springs 50 miler is in 10 days. 

I decided to test out my trail's legs. I haven't been on the trails in weeks. 

PLAN: 2 WEST Loops with the Lake Loop. 

The first loop, I felt UNSTEADY.  A feeling that was not foreign to me this week. 

I was scared. Cautious. Guarded and watchful of roots and rocks. The trail was slick and wet camouflaged in leaves and mud. 

I clenched my fists prepared to fall. 

One mile, two mile, three miles and I was still upright. 5 miles later I had made it through the loop without falling. 

I headed back into the trail for my second go at it. 

I was stronger. More confident. 

STEADY. 

Andy gave me a goal to finish my last loop. I had to STEADY my thoughts and control my body to even consider achieving his goal. 

And I did it, and never fell!

From being sick to not running for 5 days I reminded myself the hardest thing is starting back again. 

From lacing up my shoes to heading back on the trails, when we first get back out there, we may feel a little UNSTEADY but that is still better than being unwilling.  

It is better than quitting. 

It is better than throwing in the towel. 

Go out there UNSTEADY. Just GO. 

In Peace, not pieces,

Anita

A season of Grief and Joy

 Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything. C.S. Lewis

December is just hard. I think too much. I hurt too much. I pretend too much, and I try too hard. 

I try to smile, to laugh... to ignore my aching heart. 

The Christmas music is playing. Everyone's laughing and smiling. For that matter I am too. 

But the right tune, the right instrument, at the right time, plays a different record that echos in my heart, 

Like many of us, we are navigating through such a joyous time of year and yet suffering with a gaping hole of grief. 

Every day I feel the waves.  The all-consuming tug pulling my heart back into a slumber. 

It has been so long. 

"Andy, today was the day I pulled the plug and killed my mother..." It was a little dramatic but at that moment that is how I felt. 

December 8th. 1992. 

Andy responded with a pause "No, today is the day you removed her from life support, supporting her life.." 

I thought to myself quietly, "Whatever, it still sucks, it all sucks, it sucks so bad, I want my mom." 

I am almost 50 years old and during this time I feel like a little orphan. 

I have a client Jan, last week she tells me, "This is a really hard year, it has been 25 years since I lost my mother, it just hit me harder this year than normal." She shared this with tears in her eyes. 

I ran a little more. I prayed a little more. I cried a lot more. I remembered a little more. I stayed busy a little more. 

I did more to overcome more. 

But what helps most is feeling. 

Writing. 

Thinking. 

Crying. 

Missing. 

The Rundown: 

There is Joy. There is Happiness. There is laughter. I embrace all the good in the bad. 

The Lord hears the brokenhearted. I know this. I feel this. I believe this.

Life presents it all. Christmas has a special way of stirring the emotions.  

Let us show more grace this holiday season. Many are suffering battles we know nothing about. 

My clients sit in my chair and share heartfelt stories. They share sadness, grief, and pain that no one but their hair stylist knows. 

If grief is warring in you, if you are battling, please know I am holding you tightly. I may not be able to fix you heart, but I can love you and I am sorry. 

Our hardships and hurts do produce perseverance and strength and stamina for existing in this broken world. 

We can still have sadness and have JOY. 

Happiness is dependent on circumstances, but Joy comes from within. It is being mindful of things we allow to affect our mood. 

JOY is intention. 

I can still feel loss, hurt, sadness and grief and still share Joy. 

"Ask and you will receive so that your JOY may made be full." John 16:21

Week of Dec 4-Dec 10

Distance: 67 miles.

12 runs this month

111 miles for December. 

4000 feet of elevation for the month. 

Training for Yankee Springs  50 mile: January 6th. 

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita

Suffer Well. Race RECAPs

 

"Determine never to be idle. No person will have occasions to complain of the want of time who never loses any. It is wonderful how much can be done if we are always doing." Thomas Jefferson 

Andy and I watched an older movie with Justin Timberlake called "In Time". The basic story line was that time was a commodity, when you ran out, you died. You lived every moment with intention. 

Time was valuable. 

I think of my dad, such an amazing man. "The man takes the drink, the drink takes a drink, the drink takes the man." Addiction took him in his early 40's. He never saw his daughter graduate, walk her down the aisle or be a grandpa to her boys. Gone too soon and left time filled with tears to many. 

I think of my mother, a beautifully broken soul. "One day at a time." was not enough time for a woman that didn't want to live on this side of earth. No drugs, alcohol or man could give her the time to heal her wounds. 

Addiction takes time from you, it robs you, lies to you, deceives you. I still find myself choking back the tears of time lost. Years destroyed. Moments I questioned my purpose in all the pain. 

I decided years ago I would live out this life. If the Good Lord had me suffering, I would suffer well. 

I would not let my broken beginnings pave the rest of my time.

I knew how to suffer, I would suffer well and suck it up.  

I would pull up my bootstraps and dig in. I would fight. I would go down fighting. 

SUFFER well. 

There is something in the back of my head that scares me. I feel like I was born to suffer. I fight life like I am training for trials. The harder I prepare, the stronger I get, the easier the trial should be when it shows up. 

Even getting cancer, I felt like I had trained my whole life for it. 

I would find myself running with my fists clenched. I was so mad at cancer, so determined to fight it, ready to suffer because I felt like the Lord had prepared me from my beginning. 

I remember a day that running 3 races in a month was a lot, this week I ran 3 races in a week. 

RACE 1: FLYING MONKEY 26,2

November 19th. 

I flew solo to Nashville where my girlfriends picked me up for a race weekend.  The race was the TOUGHEST marathon course I have ever ran. Consisting of over 3000 feet of constant hills. 

My girlfriends themed the marathon Wizard of Oz , I was the scarecrow. 

The first half of the marathon I stayed with the girls for fun and encouragement. The second half of the race my suffering numbed out and I felt strong. I came down a hill at mile 20 and was ready to drop a gear. I could feel my body switch gears from fun mode to race mode. 

The last 5 miles my pace dropped and I began picking runners off. 

I finished smiling.

TIME: 4:14:08

PLACE: 2nd place Masters

OVERALL: 68/245

GENDER: 12/80

Erica was 2nd OVERALL, we both got handmade flying monkeys for awards. 

Your shirts are personalized with your nickname! One of the best race shirts I have ever gotten!

RACE 2: Turkey TRAIL Trot

November 23rd Thanksgiving

My sweet daughter in Love hates running. "I will do it because I love you and I get to be with you.." 

Shelby, Andy and I ran the turkey trot together. We had fun frolicking in the woods at Stoney Creek. 

I never looked at my results, because all I cared about with being with Shelby, I didn't care about pace just time spent with her. 

RACE 3:  Black Toenail 1/2 Marathon

November 24th. 

Andy and I have a warped idea of dates. He signed up to race this and insisted I do the same. My thoughts were to just try and beat last years' time of 1:59. I had just run my marathon 5 days prior and was still in the hurt locker. 

Several of our running friends were there as well. Half marathons are hard for me. It literally takes me 10 miles to warm up. 

When we took off I was by myself. About a quarter mile in, I see Andy blow by me. I picked up my pace to try and catch him. 

I was cutting in and out of the trail around other runners. I would jump off the trail to get around larger groups of runners trying to keep my eye on Andy. 

I caught up to Andy, running next to him for about a minute before he even spotted me. 

We laughed, briefly chatted and I told him I would "TRY" to stay with him. Truth is Andy is really strong on the trails and I was questioning my life choices again. 

I tucked in behind Andy desperate trying to stay on his heels. It took everything I had to not go head over heels, I felt so wobbly. He would see a runner, pick up his pace and I would panic. I fell back a couple times wondering when I would just let him go. 

At mile 10, I felt myself settled in. I had my music playing and I had been praying for miles. 

We came out onto the road, a gal had been running in my shadow for a couple miles presented herself. 

"You can pass us if you want, your doing great.."  I spoke to her. 

She replied "You guys have been doing all the work, thank you..." She then took the lead and moved on. 

That just didn't settle well with me. 

I could tell Andy was just holding pace. Andy knew ...."Nita, GO!! GOO race this..." 

I fought him for a few minutes but before I got passed again, I took off to catch her.

I caught up to her, but she was struggling, as I passed her I said "STAY with me, stay on my heels..." 

She replied, "I will." 

I am not sure when she fell back but I caught up to another runner. He turned around and did a double take, "ANITA! I run with you at Complete Runner..." 

"STAY with me, let's GO, you got this...." I cheered him on. 

And that is what I did all the way to the finish. I kept trying to grab runners to the finish, encouraging them because it encouraged me. 

I finished alone, breathless, trying not to vomit and the tank was empty. 

I raced it for Andy. 

I beat my time. 

TIME: 1:53:52

PACE: 8:42

OVERALL:36/182

GENDER:7th

Division: 1/7

SUFFER WELL.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full 

effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

We can profit in our trials. Life will make you bitter or better. Fight the good fight. Put on your armor and remind yourself the Lord doesn't put you through something He doesn't see you through. He makes a way when there is no way. Your strength may fail but the Lord's strength is unwavering. 

Keep training. Be weary in well doing. When you do it all unto the Lord, give Him all the Glory, Honor and praise and you will see your strength in your suffering. 

The Lord uses all things, even the passion of a ragamuffin like me. 

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita

Another Day!

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. The are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

Maybe one day there will be no anxiety when I walk into a Dr's office to get blood work. The nervous laugh will dissolve, and the tough girl performance will be no more than a memory. 

Maybe. 

Maybe not. 

But for today, I do all I know how to do, run and pray. 

Running 20 miles before my 4-year checkup gives me a small amount of control. For just that little bit of time I can run free, I can control my own suffering. 

I can embrace my breathlessness with comfort. 

I can relax in my elements of madness. 

I can keep my fear and anxiety trampled down by the steady pounding of my feet. 

I can swallow down that lump in my throat, blink back my tears and just run.  

Rate of reoccurrence for the first 5 years for TNBC. 

My oncologist, Dr. Cotant and I have this little game we play every time I see him for my checkups. 

I smiled as we played our little game waiting for him to ask, not about how I was feeling rather about my run. 

"Anita, how far did you run today?" Dr. Cotant asked smiling knowing the question wasn't "Did you run?" rather "How far did you run?" 

I responded with a smirk, "20 miles, almost 2000 feet of elevation.." 

And I waited for his smirk and laugh, and like sorcery, he looked at me and laughed. 

I brought the office donuts; little did they know it was my celebratory gift to them. I have made it, 4 years. This stupid cancer is a living nightmare. 

Every day I celebrate. I have made it another day. 

My 4 year date was the day of my surgery in October, but today Dr. Contant made it official! 

"Those thick veins look great but they like to roll" But my gal was all ready for them! A quick POKE and the blood was flowing. 

Another Day. 

There is no amount of suffering that can compare to feeling like you are going to die. 

Begging God for another chance. 

Bargaining with God for do overs. 

Pleading. 

Desperately seeking another go at this thing called life. 

Watching people get their panties in a wad over the mundane as you just pray for another clean bill of health. 

Just begging for another day. 

Another day to practice forgiveness. 

Another day to practice grace. 

Another day to tell someone I love them. 

Another day to share kindness, to love the unlovable, to give grace to those who have hurt me and to seek forgiveness to those I have hurt. 

Another Day. 

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. The are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

The Lord isn't finished with me yet, I continue to run for Jesus with His power, and His strength I go. 

4 years later and I have Another Day. By the grace of God go I. 

Count it all JOY, I have Another Day. 

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita

Power.

 "What, then, is to be done? To make the best of what is in our power and take the rest as it naturally happens." Epictetus 

A friend of mine came over this afternoon to run. She barreled through the door with eyes wide opened. I was confused by her look when she said "LOOK!" as she pointed outside. 

The sky darkened, the wind whipped, and the skies opened up. 

My mind was racing how we were going to run when she said "You don't need to run..." 

I replied, "Yes, I do, I have goals..." 

I have no power when it comes to the weather, but quitting was just not an option. We gave it a few minutes as she laced up her shoes and we headed out. The rain had settled down to a soft drip and within the mile it had stopped with the sun beaming overhead of us. 

SHOW UP: The Power of Resilience 

Most of life is about just showing up. No excuses. No procrastination. Just get it done. As soon as I make room for an escape plan you can bet, I plan on the escape. I may not be able to control the elements, but I can think with pause and find my POWER in resilience. 

My Power lies in my OUTLOOK. 

No stinking thinking. There are days we feel like there is literally a black cloud over our head and finding that small ray of sunshine seems hopeless. 

In those cases when you have exhausted all possibility of butterlies and rainbows just do it in a slumber. Do it as an overcomer. 

You are the sunshine. You bring accountability. You bring consistency. You don't always have to show up all giddy, I have shown up a mess and even finished a mess, but I showed up.  

My Power lies in my Faith. 

The closer I come to 50, the more I feel my physical power fade. The aches and pains of life are taking their toll. 

I have been running for over 20 years now by the grace of God. This is the gift he has given me for His glory. 

He has protected me in danger. Boston Bombing. 

He has redeemed me. Multiple injuries and breast cancer. 

He has pulled me out of the pit. Deep depression and darkness. 

It is His power in me when I want to quit, when I want to cry, when I feel discouraged, dark or defeated to get back out there in HIS POWER not mine. 

MY POWER Scriptures:

• "The voice of the LORD is powerful, The voice of the LORD is majestic." Psalm 29:4
• "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Cor. 12:9
• "He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power" Isaiah 40:29
• "For this purpose, also I labor, striving according to His power, which mightily works within me." Col. 1:29

RUNDOWN:

YEARLY RUNNING GOAL: 3000 miles

Total miles 2,600 miles completed.

October miles: 287

The last couple months I have pulled myself away. I have had to settle down. Calm down. Quiet down. The calmer you are the clearer you can think. I find myself moving more with intention and less with emotion. 

I am a tangled mess. I have to unspool the tangles. Running helps me do this. I am such a free spirit but life is broken, and the simplicity of solitude heals. 

I need His voice to cover the ones that say I am not enough. His voice to tell me I am not defined by my failures. I need His voice to tell me I am strong, I am capable. I am enough in HIM. 

My power fades. 

My power is broken. 

My power is messy. 

My power is a failure. 

It is His power that is immeasurable, unmistakable, unchangeable, and unfathomable. 

In Peace, not Pieces,

Anita~ 

MIGHTY

 "And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.." Marianne Williamson 

Shelby ran in Tawas with us. My heart was overflowing with love. 

"Anita, how long are you going to keep running like this?" A client of mine jokingly asked me. 

I laughed, because that's what I prefer to do whenever I am asked this question. 

They responded with intensity, "No, No, seriously, you cannot keep running like this, your body is going to break down." 

I have several different answers on speed dial. I have asked myself this question many times. 

The answers depend on the audience. 

If it is THE LORDS will for me to no longer run, I have always prayed the He would give me peace to leave my running behind. 

Many miles of running. 

Many seasons of running.

Many injuries from running. 

Many Praises to the Lord in my running. 

Many races, many faces and many places. 

But the Lord continues to keep me running. 

After I laughed to my client, I walked in front of them and said, "I am not afraid of my body falling apart from running, it actually is the best way to have my body fall apart, I am more afraid of being afraid of living in fear. " 

But I had many more words, words that were deeper, heavier, however, I thought it was best to keep it light with laughter. I added some joke, poked fun at myself and jumped into another subject. 

"Call onto me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things which though knowest not." Jeremiah 33:3

If you would have asked me 20 years ago if I would still be running, I would have told you NO. 

Over 2 decades of running compiled of victories, failures, friendships, experiences and destinations I could never have dreamed of. 

I can look back over the last 20 years and see God made a way when there was no way. 

The glory was not me being in the limelight, The Lord was in the LIMELIGHT and always gets the glory. 

It has nothing to do with miles, or pace, or where I place, it has everything to do with humility in those miles and giving GOD all the Glory. 

My bravery has NOTHING to do with where I run, or how I run, my bravery is in full faith that I fully trust God no matter the outcome. If it looks like a failure to man often it is a victory to the Lord. 

The Lord has given me over 20 years of GREAT AND MIGHTY things I would never have known if I never stepped out in faith.  

I am reading in Exodus chapter 1:20 "So God was good to the midwives and the people multiplied and became VERY MIGHTY."

Just a few verses back Exodus phrases the growth of the nation as "exceedingly mighty." 

All this MIGHTY talk counseled me. When we put the LORD first, without FEAR from our surroundings and live our faith out loud, we are MIGHTY. 

Moving against the grain in a world that is morphing into mayhem is MIGHTY. 

Living in faith with both compassion and conviction is MIGHTY. 

Finding security in Christ alone is MIGHTY. 

Being brave to feel EVERYTHING even when it hurts is MIGHTY. 

Learning to stand alone in a world that is populated with people is MIGHTY. 

Allowing the mundane to be monumental is MIGHTY. 

Be Brave friend. It just takes a step of courage and a call unto the Lord. He has great and mighty things for you. 

In Peace, not Pieces. 

ANITA

Somewhere in the middle of NO where

"Bless me, even me also, O my Father.." Genesis 27:34

Another rainy day.  

Another cold damp day that the dreariness leads to weariness. 

I set goals to prepare for these days in hope that I could prevail in times of dread like today. 

I didn't have a lot going on today. My phone wasn't ringing, my calendar was open and my head really was more active than my legs. 

I decided to just RUN. 

After an early morning in the word flipping through Genesis, I took my empty coffee cup to the sink and started to get ready for the next few hours of running. 

It left me with many thoughts I needed to think on. 

********

I ran and ran, my wheels were turning. Thoughts were colliding with the scriptures I read on DECEIPT, GRUDGES, BLESSINGS, and REDEMPTION. 

I could totally relate on so many levels. Some of the people in our lives we thought we should trust duped us or deceived us. 

We cried bitterly, as Esau did in Genesis when his blessing was stolen. 

And a seed is planted, a seed of bitterness from that first tear and a grudge against them develops...

Friendships dissolve. 

Families separate. 

Jobs are lost. 

Moments turn to bitter memories. 

And hearts are broken. 

As I ran the backroads in Holly I had no idea where my legs were taking me. I had no knowledge of my limbs I just circulating thoughts. 

Mile into miles I ran. 

Genesis 48:15-16 "The God who has been my shepherd all my life to this day, The angel who redeemed me from all evil." 

These were the words of Jacob.

The brothers reconciled over 20 years later. 

Out of a wounded heart our thoughts can turn evil. Two brothers with over 20 years of grudges. Vengeance and grudges are entertained but the Lord can redeem. 

We can't camp there. The road off the cliff is fun for a while, but I had to reign in back in. 

On these thoughts I began to feel my legs sore from running. I was aware of my heavy breathing and breathlessne. 

And I Smiled. 

I have been redeemed. 

As I ran all by myself, with only my thoughts I smiled. I have so much comfort and peace all by myself. 

The Lord redeems. 

His redemption gives us peace. 

His redemption removes the shackles of bitterness.

His redemption shines grace upon us to give to others. 

RUNDOWN:

"Mastery requires endurance....Mastery is not merely a commitment to a goal, but to a curved line, constant pursuit....Mastery is in the reaching, not the arriving." Sarah Lewis

SOMEWHERE in the MIDDLE of NO WHERE is where I ended up without a plan just a goal. I knew I wanted to run long and slow. 
It happened gradually...
With that being the case, I really didn't map out a course. I ended up with more miles that I wanted and when I discovered I was going to be running over I knew I needed MUSIC. 
My wobbly legs got a second wind. I found myself running and smiling. 
Even as the drizzle wet my skin and a head wind hit me, I was still smiling. 
REDEEMED. 

In Peace, Not Pieces, 

ANITA

 

Don't Flinch

 

Yesterday, Andy and I went over to our oldest sons house to help mount his TV.  Austin, he is a rowdy man. I think you can figure out where he received his rambunctious behavior from. 

A younger Anita used to love to box. I know, hard to imagine. I had a little bit of crazy in me back then. Becoming a mother, I had to retire the gloves.  

But "Boy Wonder" about the same age I was when I took up boxing, took up martial arts. 

He loves to wrestle, grapple and throw his 200lb weight around. 

At his place yesterday, he threw a low thigh kick at me, "OUCH" I yelped. A couple more kicks, and down I fell onto the couch. Truth is he has NO IDEA how strong he is. There was a day I would have got right in there. 

But instead, I waited....

And with his back to me I threw a weak roundhouse to his buns, SMACK!! He didn't even flinch. 

Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name.

–1 Peter 4:16

Austin knew his mom would not quit. He knew I would not let him get the last move in. HE KNEW. 

That is why he didn't flinch. Even with his back to me he knew it was coming but he was not AFRAID.

I thought of this with my day-to-day grind. I know that I am going to face trials. I am going to have hard days; life is going to sucker punch me. But to live Flinching in fear is not showing Faith in Christ. 

Part of the reason Austin didn't flinch is because he knows he is much bigger, much stronger and much more capable than his little mother at protecting and defending himself. 

Flinching Chickens

I have 6 chickens, a motley crew of hens, I love them, I feed them, I visit them, I have a safe home for them, I take very good care of them. When I walk into their coop, they come to me but when I bend down to touch them, they FLINCH! I am crushed, "I am here to LOVE you little ladies..." I sing softly to them. But they are filled with fear. 

Sometimes even we are so filled with fear that we even flinch in areas of safety. 

Fear can do that. 

"I ask that He strengthen you in your inner selves from the riches of His glory through the spirit." Ephesians 3:16

Never flinch. The Lord strengthens you.  

These days maybe not as much physically but spiritually I am being restored and redeemed so I do not have to flinch with life throws its punches at me. 

Stay strong in the Lord, He is your strength in your struggles, you do not have to FLINCH, keep your Fatih. 

In Peace, not Pieces,

Anita 

The Place of Vulnerability.

 “Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.” Brene' Brown

Vulnerability. 

What is this place? Is it an actual location? Is it a destination? 

Some foreign land? 

A place that frightens most people and a place that has left many broken and never the same. 

Vulnerability scares me. It is my land that I protect with all cost. I have invited others into my very sacred place with extreme caution and realized too late that my space was abused, and I invited the abuser in. 

My fault. 

My weakness. 

My misjudgment. 

My bad.

Vulnerability is like a land that is exposed in the darkest of nights. 

The deepest of wounds. 

The sunniest of skies and the cheeriest of moments.  

The spaces of extreme. 

Vulnerability cannot be retracted and can be defined and judged in its intense form with ease from others. 

Vulnerability is often a place of regret because of this. 

Misjudgment.

Confusion. 

Disorganized chaos. 

Vulnerability is a place I have licked my wounds, ripped my scabs and still...heart wide open bled out over and over again with the intention....

To Love. To Believe. To Hope. To Trust. 

Sometimes it is reckless, feeling like I am going off the deep end but if one person can see that land with LOVE, with FAITH, with HOPE then I will share that Place of Vulnerability. 

Vulnerability in the darkest hours and the deepest pains. 

It is dark and quiet except for our feet crushing the limestone on the Hennepin canal. 

I was pacing Erica over the weekend for her first 100 miler. Erica is strong, a mother, a wife, an incredible athlete. She knows pain, my kind of pain. She grew up in darkness that made her resilient, strong, dangerous and risky. 

At 10pm, I jumped in again to trade pacing with her husband. Her armor was cracking. She had been running effortlessly at a 9:30min/mile for over 70 miles. However, when she arrived this time at the aid station, she was almost an hour late. 

It was so dark we both needed light. This is the place of vulnerability. 

As we ran the chill in the air left me shivering. I kept myself hushed. I walked next to Erica under the moonless sky, the trees looming over us, wanting to feel her pain, wanting to carry her pain so I could help her better. 

But I couldn't. All I could do was stay beside her. Pray for her. Listen to her. 

All I had was my light and she had her own light.  She trusted me weeks ago to be beside her, truth is she is a much better runner than I am. 

What I could give her was a place of vulnerability.  A place where I could only give me, and she seemed ok with just that. This is the place that scares me. 

Erica finished like a rockstar! 

Andy and I snuck out of our hotel room a few hours later for a 6-hour drive home. 

The drive home was quiet, but my thoughts were loud. 

As the minutes turned into hours I had not heard from Erica. 

I thought many thoughts and struggled to take mine captive. That place of vulnerability began to tug a little. 

The place in the darkest of nights. In the cold, quiet path down the Hennepin canal that I spoke vulnerability. 

Did I share too much? Did I say too much?

I found myself settling down the closer we got to home. The Lord wrapped me in His security with peace and soon Erica texted with such love I knew it was from the Lord. 

"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ" 2 Cor. 10:3-5 

Just be who God made you to be Anita. 

I am made to be vulnerable. To give myself freely, openly and transparently. Not everyone is going to like you, understand you, accept you, and the list goes on. 

But when we do things with LOVE we have succeeded. And you will accept others in that same place. There is peace in that. 

Taking our thoughts captive helps drown out the noises so we can hear the melody of love, peace and grace. 

We all come with a light. Sometimes that place of vulnerability drains the batteries. And sometimes that light burns out and darkness covers you. 

Take time to Pause, Rest, Recover and daringly turn your light back on. 

Shine the way you were meant to. 

Be who God made you to be. 

Confidently. Boldly. With a Reckless Love Shine on.  

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 

Phil. 4:8

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita

Run Rabbit Run 50 Recap: BE Magnificent

 

How do you recap a race that you are still processing? A race that you trained harder than you have ever trained for a race? I trained for RRR for 9 months and felt so ill equipped within the first 10 miles. 

A Few Details:

• The crew from Michigan Running: Sarah, Amanda, Shane, Joe, Shirley, Mark and myself. 
• My brother and sister in love flew in from Florida, we shared and Airbnb in Steamboat together, the rest of the crew were in an Airbnb together a block from us. 
• We came in on Wednesday, stayed one night in Grand Lake. We went to Rocky Mountain National Park on Thursday on the way to Steamboat. 
• Our Airbnb was located less than a half a mile from the finish line. 

THE RACE PLAN: 

• Saturday September 16, 6am start
• Elevation starting at 6.886 feet
• Original plan was ALWAYS to finish in sub-14 hours. The cut off for the race is 15 hours. I should have stayed in that original plan and saved myself a lot of grief and discouragement. At dinner the night before the race, the question of "Race plans" got brought up. Sarah, casually mentioned that "Ultrasignup" gave an estimated time for her and I around 12 hours based off of our running history. That seed gently landed in my little pea brain and totally lodged in Andys brain. 
• I would NOT see Andy for the first 22 miles, there was NO access to the first 3 aid stations. I would see him at the Dumont Aid Station. 

"Let's NOT die on that Mountain"! 

Praying started at 5am in our Airbnb. Several friends had reached out to me with scripture and prayer. I opened Hebrews that morning humbly seeking the Lord. Or maybe even desperately. 

At the start of the race, we gathered together in prayer yet again. 

At 6am promptly we headed up, up, up. 

The race starts at the bottom of the mountain where you take the service drive up 6 miles to the top of the ski slope. 

Off we went heading up. the first mile I was sucking wind at a 14min/mi. 

All 7 of us running the same race but in different places. I had my headlamp on and even though I couldn't see the mountain my lungs could feel the suffering. 

I knew I couldn't walk, I just tried to stay in line with the other runners. 

"ANITA"... I heard that sweet voice of Sarah. I was so happy to have her next to me. 

Sarah and I tackled that 6 mile service drive enjoying the sunrise and chasing back and forth with Mark

. We were finding some laughter as our lungs and legs were grieving. 

Each mile my confidence faded. I just wanted to get to the aid station at Mt Werner, elevation, 10,372 ft.  We would climb almost 4,000 feet in 6 miles. 

We made it with full on smiles and I was praising GOD! We didn't stick around we headed out quickly to the next aid station about 6 more miles away. 

From Mt. Werner to Long Lake SO much changed, it had to change, or I would never have made it off that mountain. 

I couldn't catch my breath. I would run for about 5 minutes and I was winded. Up and down we ran. Finally, I humbly admitted defeat. 

Sarah was pacing us for a 12 hour race that I was never going to make.

I felt like a wuss.

I felt weak. 

I felt old. 

I felt washed up, discouraged and defeated. 

"Sarah, I can't finish this race and maintain this pace..." I told here she could go, but I knew at that pace I would not be able to finish. 

I would DIE on that MOUNTAIN! 

Sarah without pause responds with "...Ultrasignup estimated our time based off of our race history, none of which were  ever races at this elevation....." 

I felt the wait of the world come off my shoulders as this brilliant nugget of information enlightened me! 

YES! DUH! 

"Sarah, let's have a great race with moderate suffering and smiles!" I responded, not exactly that poetic but something like that. 

I did say, "Sarah, Let's NOT die on this mountain, figuratively and techniquely"! 

LONG LAKE: 13.2

We dropped a little elevation, 9,946. We were running trails, big rocks and steep inclines, beauty that left you breathless. We found a rhythm. The heat was rising and the sky was open and clear. 

We came into the aid station stoked. We saw Joe, Mark was just a few minutes behind us and as we left the aid station we had caught up to Shirley. Shirley got to enjoy a hour early start for turning 50. She had this smile that could clear a storm. 

Seeing all my friends filled my heart and ignited my spirit. I even snagged a little video of us at about mile 14.

BUT....I would lose that smile very soon. 

As Sarah and I came off the mountain we had a guy on our heels. We had ran with many groups and most of them passed us but He didn't want to. The trail came out of the woods and opened up into a massive lake. The trail narrowed with tall grass on both sides. You could hardly see your feet and I kept tripping on my legs due to the groove in the trail. We were running at a good clip when I fell so hard the earth shook. This was NOT my first fall and it would not be my last. But this one knocked the wind out of me and I just paused in my fragile position trying to locate my brains. 

The guy behind us checked on me and he headed out down the trail ahead of us. 

Sarah and I were heating up and she was actually sharing her salt drink with me. Out of the blue Sarah had her first breakdown. She was so strong and happy I never saw it coming. We were about to make a river crossing when I said, "HEY! Let's remember why we are here...." I went to grab my phone and quickly joined Sarah's emotion when I discovered my PHONE WAS GONE. 

I knew I had lost it just over the last 3 miles. But we had to keep moving. 

BASE CAMP 18.4; 9,950 elevation

Poor Sarah had to listen to me ask every runner about my phone! I couldn't find my rhythm; I was distracted and mad at myself. 

When we came into the aid station, I was ridiculous asking everyone! The course is an out and back so my hope was someone on the way up or back might find it. We were filling up, eating and pretending we were GOOD!  The sun was baking us, we were struggling but we kept on smiling and laughing. 

My smile dulled quickly. 

"Sarah, I was born broken...." I beat myself up more than the mountain was doing. I just want to see Andy at mile 22, DUMONT. 

I needed a hug. I needed to be comforted. I felt everything in my body leaking out. 

Sarah was a joy, she was patient with my chaos and strong leading most of the way to Dumont, much stronger than I felt. 

DUMONT: 22.3 9,508 elevation 

The closer I got, the more I began tremble. By the time we reached Dumont I was a MESS! Andy was waiting for us at the trail head shouting and cheering us on. The tears burst out, without control. I NEVER CRY. Blubbering like a baby I shared of my lost phone. Andy got a little upset and Sarah actually calmed him down. He flipped the script, wrapped his arms around me and comforted me. My brother and sister-in-law had never seen me like that. Alec was sweet but they were all confused at how bad I looked. 

Andy handed me my Buckeye that my dear friend Debbie gave me to remind me she was praying for me, this helped cheer me up. 

I got it together, everyone was great we pushed out to head to Rabbit Ears, our highest elevation where we would turn around and head back the way we came from. 

My favorite Buckeye gave me this, Debbie to remind me she was praying for me. 

I would also get to see my family again! 

TO RABBIT EARS: Mile 25 10,534

This would prove to be the HARDEST 3 miles of the whole race. It was PURE SUN and I was not feeling so bright! 

Sarah was ahead of me and I could hardly walk, there was NO running. This stretch was narley. The last mile was sandy, it curved just enough so you couldn't see how close you were to the top. 

Sarah made it to the top 5 minutes before I did. I would get about 15 feet WALKING and have to stop!

I would just lean on my poles as my lungs cursed me and my heart beat so hard it felt like a jack hammer. 

I prayed and convinced myself I would NOT cry anymore. 

I heard Sarah laughing at the top, I pressed on to see her and be with her. 

BY the GRACE OF GOD I made it! I touched the mountain, found next level joy and got my playing card to prove I made it!

We took a few photos and headed down!! I was stoked!!! 

 DUMONT: Mile 27.7

I was ALL shades of happy when I saw my family again. My family had smiles as they greeted us and helped us. I told Andy the goal went back to the original 14 hour goal!! He said he figured; he had been tracking us. 

Sarah and I filled up, ate up, and cheered up! We were halfway done! We got to see all of our gang at Rabbit Ears coming down to Dumont.  I was so happy to see them all doing well. I was praying over everyone to finish. 

LET'S GOO! Keep the FAITH too the FINISH 

I got so excited knowing we were heading to the finish line. I had hope I would find my phone around the lake. 

The trail looked so different coming back. We had removed all our extra clothing. I had fallen 3 times, Sarah once. 

We saw some hunters with llamas that I would find out later had an elk on the back. I thought they were part of our cheering stations! Silly runners, the lack of oxygen is the my excuse. 

I got excited as we came out of BASE CAMP, mile 31.6, we hit a 50K. 

We were breaking it down aid station to aid station. This also meant I was near where I lost my phone. 

Sarah used her phone to send Andy our location and try to map out where my phone was. He then would text us that we were so close. 

BUT THEN he texted us and said we passed it! What? How did that happed we thought. I was so bummed. He told Sarah to just RUN and let it go, the phone was GONE. 

I totally believed we would find it. Even when we didn't find it I STILL believed. We knew I had lost it when I fell but we had searched all through he tall grasses. A guy at Long Lake aid station actually went out on his motorcycle to look for it. Our friends even confirmed they saw him out there.

I let it go but believed someone would find it. 

Andy calls Sarah around mile 39 to tell us SOMEONE had my phone!! 

"SARAH, it was NEVER about me losing my phone, it was always about YOU. I had to trip, fall, scrape myself up and lose my phone for you to see The Lord work through my faith. Sarah, it was always about you...." 

You see this is actually the SECOND time I lost my phone with Sarah in a circumstance I should NEVER have found it.

Sarah was struggling, I prayed over her and over all my friends. 

Not Just LOST Lake..But also Lost Phone! 

My legs felt good, I was still struggling to run long distances, but we had some good running segments. We knew that once we got to Mt Werner it was all downhill. We wouldn't have to worry about another water crossing or roots and large rocks, we would no longer be hidden in the forest. The mountain gathered around us with its vastness but would soon open up. We were so miniscule, just dust in comparison. The mountains etched greatness as the sun began to set, I knew we had to pick up the pace to get out of the woods before they came alive with heartbeats much stronger than ours. 

We made it to Mt Werner, we had 6 miles to go. "Sarah, I think we can make it by 7:30pm..." I was now in total race mode, horses to the barn. 

Even though I felt good, Sarah began struggling. "Sarah, Stay with me...." I picked up our pace and made sure she was with me. We made it a mile down and took a walk break. Not long, "Let's GO...Come ON Sarah..."

We did this all the way down. The last mile, I kept losing her. I yelled LOUDER, "Stay with me Sarah..." I would hear her voice holler back. Once I didn't see her or hear her and I stopped, I panicked and shouted again and again looking for her, "SARAH, SARAH...." "I'm Here..." I hear her voice respond.

I smiled. She was with me. 

I came down that mountain passing runners right up to the end. I was flying off the step when I could see the finish, "ANITA!! ANITA...." I heard Andys voice, "NO WAY...ANITA, Let's GOOO"...

Then I heard my brother "THAT'S my SISTER, LOOK thats my SISTER...." 

I was smiling so big as I came into that finish.

Andy hugged me but all I could think of was Sarah, "SARAH, Sarah is coming.....Get Sarah..."

A minute later comes the most beautiful gal comes into the finish with pure joy she finished. 

BE MAGNIFICENT!!

We DID IT, 13hours 28 minutes. 

It will go down as my hardest 50 miler to date. 

There is something so remarkable about being at the end of ourselves. This is the depths of WHY I run. SO I can be so depleted, so vulnerable, that I know I need my God to occupy the places I am empty. 

It is FAITH that gets me to the finish line when I am vacant of my human abilities. 

The Race director told us to BE MAGNIFICENT. 

Being Magnificent had NOTHING to do with my race time. 

Being Magnificent had everything to do with keeping my FAITH. 

Being Magnificent meant "Fixing my eyes on Jesus" to get me to the finish line.

Being Magnificent meant there was MORE than a finish, there was friendship. 

Being Magnificent meant I had to master "Self" and have FAITH in my Masters outcome for me. 

Congrats to ALL my CRU. Everyone finished! Everyone crossed that Finish Line. 

In Peace not Pieces,

Anita

NOTE....The man that found my phone was the guy that was behind us when I fell! I had told him along with about 25 other runners I had lost my phone, he remembered where I fell because he was behind me!!