Shall we...

Are you sick of listening to all my breast cancer rants yet?
All the details, all the Dr. appointments?

Originally this was a running blog. A blog to encourage pipsqueaks like me to press on, to persevere Against the Odds.
Mantra is something that sticks. It becomes second skin. You tell yourself something enough you not only believe it, you breath it and you live. 

A few weeks ago we had a family debate, "What makes a man...." It was actually really funny, Alec, my 17 year old started it based on men changing diapers.
I made the statement that my brother has never changed diapers and I dare him to tell my brother he isn't a MAN.
But then I thought "Hmmm, I wonder if Bobby has ever in his 52 years of living ever changed diapers.
I called him.
"Bobby, we have this debate going on here........have you ever changed any babies diapers?
He laughed and without hesitiation "Yeah silly, YOURS."
I got choked up. I forget my brother took care of me. When things were good and when things were bad he always took care of me. We fought so hard for a different life.  Against the odds we fought, all three of us.

It is like momentum, you keep stride.
And so I am fighting a different fight. I am cancer free but fighting for my strength again.
I am fighting for my security again.
I am fighting for my confidence again.
I am fighting for my routine again.

Everyday I am sore. My feet hurt as I flop out of bed. My back has been torqued for a week. My knees ache like they have never ached before.
These new boobies feel like Dolly Parton but I know they are not much to notice.
BUT I am so excited everyday to have these pains of LIFE.

I am setting some pretty lofty goals for 2020. Those goals that scare me. I am not sure if I will be able to pull them off but I am going to try harder then ever.

I have bared my deepest goals with Lacey and she knows I am scared.

Pontiac Lake

Thursday Lacey and I ran 10 miles on the bike trails at Pontiac Lake. We kept it steady and easy, running most of the hills.  It was 52' allowing me to run in a skirt. (One of the few that still fits me)
The trails were a bit sloppy, I only slipped once in the mud, it was a slow fade four point fall.

It feels good getting back in to a half routine again.

It is getting that long run back up.
The only way for me to get my strength and endurance back up is getting out there and turning the legs over.
Even though Lacey and I ran 10 miles on Thursday we didn't count that as out "Long Run"

Sunday Runday has alwasy been our long run.
Todays goal was 12 miles, backroads.

Mother Nature was on time. She said she would be done raining at noon, and she was.

I had my new hydration vest on to try out. The Nathan VaporHowe 4L.
Laceys plan was to run an "Out and Back". I interrupted that very basic and fail proof plan with what I thought was a better one.
It was a better one until we realized that our 12 mile run would calculate to almost 14 miles!

I looked like a hot mess! But LOOK at all that hair!! 

Thankfully, we are working on our endurance more than our pace, therefore, we still had enough energy to tackle 13 miles and walk the .75 back home.

SO TAKE THAT! BAM! I knocked out 13.75 miles today! I am as happy as a pig in poo. And that is exactly what I looked like with mud kicked up all over me.

Collision:

“Success in life is not for those who run fast, but for those who keep running and always on the move.”

I was taught to keep fighting. I wish my mother would have fought harder, this December marked another year without her. 

Unknowingly, she taught me to fight. To never give up. I press on for many reasons. Even in her death I am reminded in every trial to never give up.  

We gotta keep fighting. Against the odds, in  adversity, in pain, tragedy, trauma, we have to fight. 

And we can't fight being a doucher. We have to fight kindly, fairly, with integrity. (Free commercial)

“If you never try, you'll never know. You are what you manifest.”
― Germany Kent

A lil Bloody

I remember Dr. Sullivan telling me it was going to be a 9 month marathon when he diagnosed me. And so far his timing has been darn near close to that.
I will be half way through 2020 and still having procedures done but I will be doing them all CANCER FREE!

Wednesday: 10am Dr. Sullivan
Procedure: Removal of my port.
I was a bit concerned that this procedure would be performed in the office and they didn't say I needed a driver. I came to the conclusion that I would be fully awake when he cut me open.
AND I WAS!
Mom drove me. She had shirts made directly after my diagnosis that had the hashtag "Itsjustanothermarathon" on them. She had one made for Dr. Sullivan. One the drive to my appointment I signed it and wrote on it for him. This would be the first time I had seen him since he put my port in. That seems so long ago now.
He was so LATE! It was 10:30 and he still was not there. The lady before me went to the desk and rescheduled, this was great for me making me now his first appointment.
"If he is going to be this late tell him I like 2 creams and 4 sugars in my coffee!" I joke with the receptionist." She laughs and add "Right, at least bring in donuts!"
He arrived shortly thereafter.
I just love him. He has the wildest personality. He is a crazy man. From the time he came in with his assistant until he finished, we joked and laughed.

"Is that all for me?" I asked Dr. Sullivan fearfully.
"No, not all that....Go ahead and lay down, I am going to numb the area first...."
I asked where the puke bucket was. But then had to reassure him that I was fine. I just wanted to get this port out and move on. I really wasn't scared, nervous a little, after all, I was going to get poked, sliced, pulled, prodded and stitched like just another day in the office.
And that is exactly what happened. I had to turn my head so I didn't see the needle going into me multiple times. By the third poke, I didn't feel anything other than the extreme pressure of the needle digging deep into my skin.

I continued to look at the cute lil assistant as he proceeded to share the details of how long he would be cutting me.
Then I felt the wiggling of him extracting my port. This included a lot of pressure and loud clanging of metal instruments.  I could feel my chest wall moving with the instruments he was using.
"There it is, do you want to see it?" Dr. Sullivan said holding my port.
Mom was watching everything so unrattled.

MY PORT

I turned and there it was dangling just a few inches from me. This was the access to all my chemo. This little contraption saved my veins and became part of me for the last 8 months.
"Here is the catheter..... "

MY CATHETER!

I was shocked more at all the blood. I turned my head as he began to put me back together. He shared some big accolades towards Dr. Pam Johnson. I shared with him how she is a super hero in my book and I got her a cape to prove it!

I made the mistake of looking back towards him. I saw this fish hook dangling from his fingers. I just about croaked. For some reason I thought he was just butterflying me up with tape. That's when I felt the tug of my skin pulling back and forth. Then the clip of the thread after I felt him tying it off. 

And again and again. When he had finished and cleaned me all up I sat up laughing with him. 

I saw his robe and was mortified, "Is that my blood all over you?" 

He looked down, laughed and responded "YES it is!". 

Yeah, I look REAL calm!!

His pager was going off the majority of the procedure. When I sat up mom gave me his gift to give him. 

He was so genuine. He really was speechless as he read the quote that he had given me back in April. Mom and I explained that his words became our inspiration and mantra. 

"And those are the races I did with cancer this year...." I pointed to the other shoulder. 

"You ran 4 marathons....and  these?" He asked with surprise. 

He loved our gift. He said it was going in a shadow box in the hallway to display. Mom and I were both smiling. 

Today:

2:30pm Dr. Connor, Follow-up of my oophorectomy. 

My pathology report was GOOD! Ovaries were good, old and showed signs of menapause but good otherwise.  

She recommended I start taking Calcium with vitamin D for my bones. But the chemo had already put me in Menapause  in April. My only side affects have been HOT FLASHES!

4pm Dr. Hainer, Follow-up breast reconstruction. 

I am sitting there half naked when he comes in with his assistant to take the tape off my incisions. (I didn't get any stitiches) 

He sits down and PINCHES MY BELLY FAT over my britches! "Yep, that is good, we are going to need that for later." he smiles totally serious. 

I was mortified. For the entire drive down I had just whined to Andy about how I cant get rid of this belly and back fat and he just pinches it with excitement. 

I couldn't stop laughing. "You know I have a lipoma on my back you can drain too!" I added joking. 

He actually says "Yeah, I will drain that for you to, that's no big deal." 

I laid back as the assistant removed my tape. "OUCH" I wined as my skin pulled. 

Dr. Hainer says to the assistant and I "You have to do it fast, do yo want me to do it?" 

I looked at him and yelled "NOOO!" 

We were all cracking up. 

I will see him again in a few weeks to follow up with the healing. 

I come to all my appointments with cheer. I always smile and try to have fun. All my Dr.s and nurses greet me, laugh with me, joke with me and a lot of time come hang out in my room while we are waiting for the Dr. 

Listen, I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn't nervous. Mom could see my nerves at work as I tapped feverishly on the table at Dr. Sullivans office. 

But being nervous and uptight isn't going to change anything. 

I am not a bad A$$. If anything I am more of a dumb A$$. I am a big goofball that convinces herself through humor, a positive attitude and smiles everything is going to be good. 

And so far, it has worked for me! 

Rundown;

After leaving Dr. Hainer Andy and I rushed to get to Flint for out Group Holiday run and Birthday for Holly. 

"Anita, what are you trying to prove..." Andy whispered as we trailed behind Antonio in his Christmas tree outfit. 

I sucked wind for 5 miles. I tried so hard to hang on to the back of the run away Christmas tree. But the last mile he picked it up and I fell back. 

When we got back and after I caught my breath I responded to Andy. 

"I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself, I need to chase those faster than me, I need to get faster, I have goals, I have to get back to suffering...." 

Goals, should scare you, and excite you all at the same time. I am setting some lofty goals for 2020. 

I believe. Dreams on. 

#Goaldigger

Anita~

Full Swing

I am back to work in full swing! The Christmas spirit is dancing through the salon. I just LOVE it.
I took off 5 weeks. My days at work have been jammed from the moment I get in until I leave.
For over 20 years I have done hair at Glitz.
Today, when I came in Nancy my manager had gifts for all of us girls.
I carry a big bag of gifts for all my clients. This year I bought my clients special gifts. I LOVE giving gifts. And I LOVE my clients. They are like family to me.
The hugs.
The kisses.
The greetings.
The cards.
I have been lavished in LOVE.


"No ANITA, I want to hear about you, HOW ARE YOU DOING?"
But but...I want to hear about them.

How am I doing?
I am doing great.
I am getting more mobility with my arms. Of course Dr. Johnson had to show me how bad my range of motion was last week. I was not stretching my arms correctly, oops.

I have been going to the gym doing whatever I can to sweat BUT RUNNING. I am actually so proud of myself for obeying DR.s orders.
Tomorrow is my First RUN DAY. I am shaking like a lil kid waiting to see Santa.

But first...Dr. Sullivan. Mom is taking me to get my port out, it is in the office. I am not sure how that is going to work. I am thinking it will involve a needle, a scalpel and God knows what else, maybe a puke bag?


We just got the Christmas tree up. I am slowly getting my energy back. The house isn't decorated to its best this year. And honestly, I am not sweating over it. Andy has been working on getting the basement finished, this has made decorating near impossible with all the dust.
The Tree is beautiful. I am grateful for that.
I am grateful for the energy to put it up.
Mom came over and helped me put it up. She would pull out each ornament and read the date and the inscription as she placed it on the tree. She was so chipper until we read one from Maw Maw that she gave me. Then mom started crying. Christmas is emotional. This year we have Maw Maw at 96 and this year I get to celebrate another Christmas.
It could have been taken from me.

This year I celebrate. I am so grateful. I have LIFE.


Special Thank you to Beth D for the incredible dinner she made my family. A  big SHOUT out to the Gullege Family for raising over 30, 000 at their fundraiser for Josh, I made an appearance Saturday after I got out of work, it was so hopping!
And BIG Praise Report to CINDY who is battling breast cancer, her DR. said he couldn't even find the marker let alone the lump! PLEASE keep Cindy in prayer, she has some obstacles she is battling with her cancer.
Keep FIGHTING Josh and Cindy!

Anita~

Anita~

Carry Someone

"Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." Gal. 6:2

I was reminded of the story of the men in the bible that took their friend to Jesus. They so badly wanted him to be healed they didn't let any obstacle stop them, cutting the roof out and lowering their dear friend to Jesus.

They went above and beyond the call of friendship for the love of their friend.
I picture them telling their work they had to leave early, or let their families know they would not be home for dinner. Maybe they canceled a vacation, missed a lunch date or skipped a work out to get their friend to meet Jesus.
And they didn't just take him, they CARRIED him, they cut the roof out and brought him down. They went out of their way.

This was so convicting. "Anita, have you been this friend?"
Have I gone out of my way for my friends? Have I  overcome obstacles for my friends? Have I changed my plans to help a friend.

I have told you, I have learned a lot in the last 9 months. I cannot say for certain that I have been this friend. But I can say for certain that I will be. 

OBSTACLES.

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”
– Charles Dickens

Oh, the things cancer can limit you with.
Cancer can rob you of so much but it never stole my dreams, my heart or my faith.
When I was first diagnosed I cried so hard thinking of all the dreams I had that were going to be crushed, stole from me.
All I heard was chemo, and sickness, radiation, and surgeries, so many obstacles for someone with dreams and goals.
This damn cancer would grasp me so tightly that I didn't even know what I was capable of doing.
SO many obstacles. SO many fears, a very real obstacle.
Our emotions can be our biggest obstacle.
I needed  some help. No matter how BIG and BAD I think I am.. I needed help.
"Anita is going to run with or without us, I am going to run with her and let her lead....."
And that is exactly what Lacey did. That is what my running partners did.
They carried my burdens, they picked me up when I couldn't and helped me across so many obstacles.

The last 6 weeks have not consisted of much running. I would love to run but we all have these "Be Still" moments. And this is where I am.

"Carrying" one another isn't always a physical feature.  I shared this devotion with a dear friend today. I shared my heartfelt words with Debbie and soon we were both welling up with tears. She wasn't lacing up her shoes to run with me or even walk with me but she was lacing up her shoes, opening up her morning and lifting my spirits up, encouraging me with friendship.

Over the last 6 weeks, I have been carried and lifted emotionally.

CARRY
The demons we all battle are haunting. The loneliness, the insecurity, the fears, the sadness, depression, the voices are real to many of us. These are obstacles that hold us hostage.
I want to encourage you during this very busy time to "Carry" someone's burdens. To be that faithful friend, to love on someone you know is struggling.
Carry that friend to Jesus, it is a beautiful trip traveled best with others. Come along that friend that has dreams and help them conquer obstacles.
Have coffee with them, take them to lunch, go for a walk with them, you are not that busy to be a blessing to someone.

"Offering to 'Carry' doesn't always mean physical burden bearing---it may mean investing in a persons project, providing transportation, or mentoring in an area of your expertise...."

A very special thank you to those who have carried me the last 6 weeks. Thank you for sacrificing your time at such a very busy time of year to love on me.

Anita~

Dr. Pam Johnson, My G.O.A.T (GREATEST OF ALL TIME) 

She is my Breast Surgeon and she is a super hero to me that is why I had this cape made for her. She is the BEST! 

"Strong Women Lift Other Women UP." 

BOOBIES!

The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

Psalm 28:7

3 surgeries in 6 weeks.
I have tried to move everything so fast that it finally caught up with me.
I have to let my body heal. I can't get radiation until January, I'm bummed.
I wanted it all done by the end of the year.
I even thought I could work today. I think I was so open minded that my brains fell out.
However, I have nothing to complain about! I have everything to be thankful for.

Let's get this show on the ROAD! 

Sunday, I decided to go out with a BANG. Andy and I went running at Pontiac Lake.
My abdomen wasn't sore from my oophorectomy I had that previous Monday so a 10 mile trail run sounded fun.

I was determined to run the full 10 miles. I have only ran 3 times since my mastectomy.
Thanksgiving I ran 4 miles.
I ran 5 miles with Lacey.
And I ran the Fantasy of lights 5k.
Pontiac Lake ain't no joke. At mile 3, I was already in the hurt locker. I am so damn stubborn.
I just kept telling myself I WAS going to finish that 10 mile loop come Hell or high water. I didn't care if I went into surgery the following day sore, for that matter that sounded wonderful.
When I got to mile 6 I knew I could gut out another 4 miles. It wasn't pretty, I was sucking a lot of wind, huffing and puffing. I kept telling myself I had to get reacquainted to pain, no excuses. I am not using cancer, chemo, surgery or radiation to be an excuse for not trying. And I am not going to take the easy route either.

I told myself in the beginning of this whole process that having Cancer would NOT be an excuse for ANYTHING.
It wasn't an excuse to behave badly, be lazy, be angry, quit trying or a gazillion other things I could have pulled the cancer card on.


Monday they moved my surgery time up. Troy Beaumont. Everyone was so wonderful. From the nurses to the nurse anesthetist to my anesthetist everyone was laughing, joking and really making me so relaxed. They laugh at how relaxed I am. They could not believe I had just had surgery the week prior. I explained I wanted to get as much done as I could before the year ended.
Mom, dad and Andy all hung out in my little pre-op room. It was like a party! we were having fun with the staff.
Dr. Hainer came in at 1:05 with his blue sharpie to draw me up.
By 1:10 I was gone to La La land.
By 3:30 I was waking up. I was droggy but determined to wake up.

Andy must have taken this. When I got out of surgery, I was shaking really bad. The blankets were heated to warm me up. 

They brought my family back to see me. Andy had Starbucks waiting for me. It was wonderful.
I was dressed and out of the hospital by 4:20.
I was still half out of it. I was wrapped tighter than a Christmas present. I had strict orders. "DO NOT REMOVE THE BANDAGES."

I have the BEST support ever! ALL DONE with SURGERIES! 

At home I was in and out of it.

I couldn't keep my eyes open when we got home. My tee-shirt is also a gift from Connie. "Let your Faith be stronger than your Fears". 

At midnight, I was wide awake kicking the covers and trying to not go bonkers.

Being up all night made it easy to get ready for my 7:30 appointment with Dr. Boike, my radiologist oncologist.
He is so nice. He smiled as he told me that we had to wait at least 2 weeks for my boobies to heal. I kept my smile on but my heart was sad.
I want the best outcome for everything, so I didn't let myself get on a pity party.

We left St.Joes and headed to Rochester for the "UNVEILING" of the boobies! We had a 9:15 with Dr. Hainer.

Wrapped like a mummy

He unwrapped my tender boobies slowly. Then he says "WE have BOOBIES!" I smiled, we did! I have the prettiest lil boobies. I almost feel guilty, getting these pretty boobies from having cancer. I know I could have gone bigger, but that just isn't me.
I stayed an "A-cup". He couldn't give me the fat grafting because I didn't have enough, he said that if he took any fat that it would leave the area unproportioned, creating dimples. Like I don't already have dimples!
But I am thrilled with the job he did. There hasn't been any part of this process that has been terrible. Even at it's worst, I have been so blessed, so loved. I have had the best case scenario for everything.

Now I just have to tackle radiation!

Special Thanks to Connie. She is my neighbor from my old house on Weller Ct. She had this mailed to me and waiting for me when we got home from surgery! Connie has been under the knife and sick herself and she has just spoiled me.
A BIG shout out to Michael Skaggs who  had been battling pancreatic cancer. Today he had a 7 hour surgery to remove his tumor. He did GREAT and was able to get all of the tumor out with clear margins! A miracle.
Also if you could pray for my friend Cindy who is also battling breast cancer and coming close to finishing chemo. I am so proud of her!
And if you could put another high school friend of mine in prayer that too would be great, Josh G has been battling a lung disease and he could use prayers for him and his family.

I love this bra! Thank You Connie!

The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

I could honestly do the Happy Dance. I know I still have 4 weeks of radiation but I am even excited to tackle that. 

I know it is going to be hard, I know most likely my skin is going to burn and I know that it will also damage my new breasts. But I am ALL MOST DONE! 

I am not going to come out of cancer unscathed. It will forever leave its print on me and that is OK because it will forever be a reminder of how God is my strength and my portion. How he took care of me in great and mighty ways. 

It is not alwasy easy when you are in pain to find a good attitude. Or to find positivity. I had my moments I stuck my middle finger up at cancer and all the suck I was going through. But reading Gods word everyday gave me perspective, purpose and joy. 

Anita~

Stuck

“How long can I sit here not doing the thing
I want to do.” ― Deborah Landau, The Last Usable Hour

Maybe, I am a little paranoid but I think that lil anesthesiologist had it out for me. 

She introduced herself as if she was meeting me at a baseball game. She was about my size, in her 30's and a bit rough around the corners. I saw her checking me out from inside my pre op room. She was looking at my chart and talking about me to the nurses. I couldn't hear what she said but thought it was funny when I witnessed her doing running stretches directly outside my room against the nurses station. When she spoke to me she was punky. I laughed inside.
Here I lay ready to have another surgery and I look like I have been hit with the ugly stick, no make-up, jacked up hair, and circles around my eyes. I was like "Sister, Just Stop with yourself."
I just had a really bad vibe....

"Nita, are you nervous?" mom asked me. "Nope! Not at all.." I just don't get rattled anymore. Once you have been diagnosed with a aggressive cancer that is decorated with surgeries, chemo, radiation, pokes and tests, you just don't get rattled. I know what pain feels like. It is no longer foreign. I have met the unwanted guest. I have danced with the devil. He doesn't scare me anymore. And I am just not afraid of dying any longer.

My surgery was scheduled for 2:30pm on Monday. They didn't take me back until after 3:30.
"Anita, take some really big breaths for me..."
That is all I remember.

I couldn't wake up. I couldn't raise my hands. The post op hall was quiet and empty. Droggy, I came in and out. Sluggish, my body was so heavy. I couldn't figure out what time it was. My nurse came to me, "Hi, are you waking up?"
"I am trying" I responded like I was underwater. And I fell back out again. I have no idea how long I was sleeping when I tried to open my eyes again.
My nurse was standing near me. Almost whispering I ask "What time is it?"
"It's almost 7pm.

My mind was spinning, I was trying to do the math. Surgery was only an hour, I had been sleeping almost 2.5 hours. And I was so nauseous.

Yeah....That anesthesiologist gave me enough juice to put out a herd of elephants.  

I just wanted to go home. They brought my family back and I tried to drink some coffee. My belly was tripping over itself. This is NOT the way I wanted to wake up.

I got dressed and they were wheeling me out within the hour.
My belly was so sore. I could hardly move. I was in more pain then I was when they lobbed my lil boobies off. I was so confused how a simple laparoscopic surgery could do this much damage.
They gave me Fentanyl for pain. My first narcotic.

This is the incisions from my surgery, it is done laparoscopic. 

They give you these disposable panties. It is crazy how these 3 little 

incisions can cause so much soreness. 

Mondays sleep was a crap shoot.
I was looking forward to seeing Dr. Hainer Tuesday afternoon. I was ready to get these expanders out. I don't care that I am still only a "A Cup". I AM DONE.
Dr. Hainer comes in to look me over, "So, are you ready for another fill?" He says with a smirk.
"You are the perfect size for your frame..." We scheduled my surgery for Monday.

It is just a lot. So many surgeries. I stay positive. Looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Clinging to the smiles of my surgeons and nurses.
A little longer. I just have to hold on a little longer.


It's another wall in this marathon. "Yes, you can run, it's been 5 weeks...." Dr. Hainer gave me the official Ok.
I never told him I had ran the 5K. I never told him I ran on Thanksgiving. I also never told him my mind is a battlefield and I am on the verge of being admitted into a little white room with padded walls.


The car was barely warmed up when I called Lacey. "LACEY! I got the OK to RUN!"
Without much of a breath I was asking her if she could run with me.

My OBGYN told me I had to listen to my body. Well my mind is part of my body.
My head is spinning with crazy talk. I am not sifting through my emotions so well these days.

Wednesday morning I showed up in Laceys driveway with Sheba. I didn't know what our run would look like. I didn't have any expectations. I was just so excited to RUN.

5 miles we ran with our dogs. It wasn't fast. 54 minutes. We walked the hills. We took it easy. My belly was still tender. My stitches were tucked underneath steri-strips, protected.

Listen. Before you judge me for being a bad patient. Before you get mad at me for being irresponsible, before you say anything, understand this.
NOBODY is with me more than I have been with myself.
Company comes and company goes. And I am alone with my thoughts.
I am awake throughout the night desperately trying to shut the voices out.
I am stuck.
I am stuck with myself.

I try to be positive. Keep my chin up but I am stuck.
I can't move. I am sinking, a very slow fade. All these restrictions have me frozen in time. I am held hostage in a glass globe as the world is spinning around me. I am tired of sitting on  the side lines. I want to participate in life.
I am tired of being broken. Handicap.
So, Yeah, I RAN. And it felt good. It felt good to inhale the crisp air, to feel my heart beating and my muscles firing.
And it felt good to have Lacey run next to me. To be there for me on my first official run.

That was yesterday. I had enough common sense not to push my luck.
I met Jeff for a walk.
No watch, No destination. No plan but to walk. Just to be free. Unleashed. Released.

I don't know how far we walked or even how fast. I just know I wasn't STUCK.

Yes, I know I took a chance running. I do that. Take chances. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't.
But you don't know what you don't know.
We are often our own worst enemy.
I have not gotten this far without taking a few chances. Like an entire summer of chances.
I ran all summer against the odds that were before me. I didn't want to be stuck on stupid because I had cancer.

Be careful people. Don't get STUCK because it is the safest choice. Learn to live by Faith. Trusting God will open doors for you, protect you, strengthen you and bless you.
Because he will.

Remember, you are not a product of your circumstances, you are a product of the decisions that you make. 

Claudia send me this article on items that cancer patients should have. This bra was one of the things they listed for mastectomy's. The fabric is so soft. It has a deep scoop and no underwire. 

The Molly Bra. 

Anita~

Knocked Out

Tomorrow, will be the 3rd time this year I will have been put under.

1. April 30th, colonoscopy, upper and lower GI: Propofol 
2. May 1st, port put in. Propofol
3. October 30th, bilateral mastectomy: regular anesthesia 

And tomorrow oophorectomy. 

Even though they will put me under with regular anesthesia the surgery is laparoscopic. I am hoping for the same results that I had from my mastectomy. I woke up foot loose and fancy. Well not that fancy, but I wasn't sick and I woke up better than Snow White. 

My surgery is at Royal Oak Beaumont in the afternoon. The worse part about this is that I will not be able to have coffee or eat! The surgery is only an hour long, I guess I can suck it up. 

However, after tomorrow I will have conquered another obstacle. 

You can't fight the genes you were given. I am being proactive with my BRCHA1 mutation. 

Goodbye boobies.

Goodbye ovaries. 

And unfortunately, I can not get rid of my pancreas but I can have faith and trust in the Lord. 

Chasing a sweat. 

"If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough." 

Albert Einstein 

It's Simple, I am going CRAZY doing nothing and watching the world spin all around me. 

I have been off work for 5 weeks now. This week is the first week I have been able to roll over in bed without a significant amount of wincing. I still sleep with a pillow propped under my arms, my flanks are still very tender. I have been able to walk and I am very thankful for Jeff and Alec walking with me.  

I am just now able to start doing my arm exercises, fingers crawl up the wall, then down the wall with my arms opening up, so exciting! 

While these "exercises" are great to get my range of motion back they are hardly going to get my heart rate up or cause me to sweat. 

Oh do I miss the burn, the sweat. It is my therapy. 

Fantasy 5K. 

I AM GOING CRAZY doing NOTHING. To watch all the runners run all around me was just pain torture. I told Andy to run his own race. It sounded like a great plan but you can't lie to yourself. 

That's what we do. We lie to ourselves. I want to act like it doesn't bother me. But it DOES. 

I wanted to run with everyone else. I didn't have to kill myself to play with everyone, I just didn't want to be all alone.

I really did tell myself I was going to walk. 

But I knew I wasn't strong enough to resist the temptation. 

Yeah, I was all dressed up and ready to run. I didn't even have a watch. I shuffled with a big 5year old grin painted across my face. 

I had so much fun. I kept my arms close to my sides so I wouldn't move them. I hollered and cheered the other runners on in my own special way. It almost felt like old times again. 

I saw Danielle out there. I just love that girl.

I went to the gym today. NO RUNNING. I am not going to press my luck. I did the ARC trainer for an hour, keeping my arms plastered to my sides. Then I did the bike for another 20 minutes, again using no upper body action. 

It was my first time being at the gym since I was diagnosed. I saw some familiar heads turn, I just smiled. I look a lot different. I try to walk into the gym confident, but lets be honest, I feel so awkward. 

The last time they all saw me I had long dark hair, now its mostly gray, shorter than a pixie and all uneven. 

I was chasing more than a sweat. I was chasing security in a very familiar place. The story of my life the last few months. Being bald and hairless will leave its mark on your security system.

So I just turned my music up louder and avoided the mirrors. I came to sweat. Focus. 

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.
– J.P. Morgan

It is time to keep moving forward. I am moving out of this stage of my treatments. 

I am excited to "KNOCK OUT" another part of this process. 

I have learned so much with each section of having cancer. I have learned mostly about myself. 

I have learned how blessed I am. 

Thank you to my brother and sister in law for taking such good care of me the first few days. 

Thank You to those who brought me meals, Claudia, Holly, Debbie, Tammy and family, and Lacey.

Thank you for visiting me and bringing me lunch Gay and Lori, I had such a special day with you both. 

Thank you to mom, dad and Andy for taking care of me 24/7. You never quit holding my hands, wiping my tears and loving me. 

Thank you for the phone calls, messages, cards, visits and walks, Jeff and Alec. 

I have so many thank you's. 

Thank you for teaching me how to love others by the way you all have loved me. 

Anita~

Fragile.

"Hearts are fragile things. That's why you have to be so careful." 

I thought this would be easier.
I thought this stage of recovery would be a cake walk.
4 months of chemo and being sick is a big gallon of suck.

But emotions are a totally different demon.

The last four weeks I have discovered how truly fragile I am.
I am not so tough. I honestly feel so weak, beaten up and broken.

I love to pretend. I convince myself I am "Fine". But then this shadow comes over me. I can feel its claws digging in. And most of the time they release their grip on me leaving me grateful the anxiety was brief. But I am haunted with the fear of its return.

This just sucks. Its grip is tightening up. Its hanging on and lingering.
I feel so fragile.

I can't control it.
I can't predict it.
I can't define it.

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great TREASURE. This makes it clear that our great power is FROM God, not from ourselves. " 2 Corinthians 4:7

I feel so fragile. I know God has the power. The power I need to be strong, to be confident, to be secure and all the abilities I need to get through this.
But it is like I am in the dark searching, reaching.....
Yesterday, Andy went to speak to me and I tried to talk only my words began to mumble. I was sobbing, and he just kept saying he was "sorry" I was going through this. He was so sweet. . There was NO reason for it. No explanation for this wave of sadness. I couldn't stop crying.

Today, Thanksgiving.
I have so much to be thankful for, shame on me for being a butthole. Shame on me for not being able to control this unexplainable sadness.
Shame on me.
I want to quit being a cry baby. I want to be my shiny happy chipper self but that person is miles away, like along distance relationship, she is there but she is so far away.

Today "Team Squishy Toes" invited me to the park to run.
I showed up in a pink dinosaur onsie. That's just some of the ridiculous things I do to try to keep myself in a cheerful spirit.
Well, I can't run, but I can walk.
Together they all took off on the west loop.
I went solo for my walk.
The woods were so crisp. It was so quiet until it wasn't.
My demons started their chatter. Inaudible clamber.
Solo running is usually great, but today I felt the woods closing in.
So I ran. I felt my blood hot. I felt anger that I couldn't control my emotions. I felt alone. I felt sad. I felt a cloud of anxiety hovering over me.
So I ran more. And I ran harder. And I cried, and I ran more. The woods opened up, welcoming me, loving me, embracing me.

I ran 4 miles today.  Thank you Holdridge for embracing me.


I had a lovely Thanksgiving. I had my boys with me. Those boys are a riot.
I facetimed my brother after leaving the trail. First my brother was like "What are you wearing?!"
But just hearing his voice I started to choke up all over again.
"Anita, just think of all those people that deal with this on a day to day basis...."

To you that deal with this regularly, I AM SO SORRY. My heart goes out to you. My broken, fragile heart wraps herself around you.
One day at a time.
Breathe
Pray
Repeat.

Anita~

Soften Up.

"A new heart also I give you and  new spirit I will put in you, and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh and I will give you a heart of flesh. "Ezekiel 36:26  

Softness.
"....often times you will have one breast higher than the other one due to the radiation..." Dr. Hainer continued explaining that the radiation hardens the skin making the skin firmer.

Lotions, cremes ointments I have been blessed with an abundance and yet my skin is struggling, it is dry and abrasive. I haven't even started radiation yet.

I have these visions of my boobies looking like Cyclops. And then to calm myslf down I say "Ahh, its ok Anita, you have life...."

So I lube up. I put lotion on in the morning and in the evening. I want my skin to be soft and I want my skin to be prepared for a 25 radiation treatments.

A man is born gentle and weak, at his death he is hard and stiff. 

All things including the grass and trees are soft and pliable in life, dry and brittle in death. 

Stiffness is thus a companion of death: flexibility a companion of life.

An army that cannot yield will be defeated. 

A tree that cannot bend will crack in the wind.

The hardness and the stiff will be broken: the soft and the supple will prevail." 

Lau-Tzu

I think a lot these days, you do this when you are in recovery.
Soften up Anita. I say this to myself a lot. Sometimes I get so stony. Hard.
I get hurt, disappointed, or duped and I find myself clenching my fists or fuming ready to react with a sharp tongue that cuts.
If only a little Aquaphor could soften me up.
"Anita, you are so strong..." Ahh, but sometimes being too strong isn't a good thing. Being strong can also makes you hard, brittle and stiff.

Our heart is what keeps our blood flowing and is the life source of our body.
The heart also flows our emotions.
I dont want to be hard hearted anymore than I want my skin to by dry and hardened.
I want love to flow. I want to be soft from my heart.

I found an old journal of mine from 2006. I had written many times asking God to give me a soft heart. I was so angry and desperately trying to not get embittered.

And in this stage of health blunders I want to stay soft. Only God can give me a heart of flesh.
I have to put myself in a "emotional time out".  When not caught early my emotions of "unfairness" can grow like bacteria in a petri dish.

There is strength in being soft. Being Kind. Giving a soft answer. Love.
**********************************************************
Things that are hard..those darn boobies! I am calling it quits! I don't want another fill in my expanders. I just want to be DONE. I am perfectly content with my A size boobies.
I just don't care about cleavage, and big tata's. God never gave them to me and I never missed something I never had. Those damn boobies just about killed me. There is no love loss there.

Things that are soft. MY BODY! I haven't ran in 4 weeks. I have been doing abs and trying to actually watch what I eat.
Todays Chow:
Breakfast: 1 slice bacon, Noosa Greek yogurt. Coffee
Lunch: Chicken, a kiwi, peppermint chocolate,
Dinner: Sockeye salmon, cottage cheese and roasted Yukon potatoes carrots and cottage cheese.
Dessert: Honeycrisp apple and kettle corn popcorn

Jeff went for a walk with me today. 

Sheba took me for a walk Sunday at Sorenson Park

Today, I set the timer for 20 minutes. I did 3 reps of 12 pistol squats and scissors for abs. I have to be very gentle with exercises. I have a layer of Alloderm in my breasts that has to heal. Being careful is next level, I want my body to heal properly. Better to be safe then sorry,

Being soft or hard. It is a choice. Let your ego go. Soften up. Let things go. Learn how to apologize, how to ask for forgiveness, how to be kind.
I continue to pray for God to give me a new heart, a heart of flesh.

Anita

We all Suffer. Rejoice.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His Glory you may rejoice with exultation."  1st Peter 4:12-13

Gods perfect timing as I have been recovering from my bilateral mastectomy.
My dear friend invited me to her bible study. Lacey brought me over the bible study so I could study the lesson and be prepared.

Peter sure talks a lot about suffering. A subject that many of us can relate to.

I have battled cancer for the last 7 months. There were days I thought I was looking right in the face of Satan I was suffering so bad.
There were days I wondered how much I could endure physically, mentally and emotionally.
I had moments my spirit was dark with fear, defeat, discouragement and all the company that joined them.
Every day, every moment of every day, when I looked at myself I was reminded of the suffering I had gone through and the suffering I still had to go through.

But I rarely complained. Because I KNEW GOD DIDN'T GIVE ME Cancer.

"..do not be surprised.."
WE all SUFFER. And if you haven't suffered, just wait.
We live in a very broken and dysfunctional world.
Our pain can persuade us to question and doubt Gods love for us. We get confused and disoriented loosing our faith in Gods plan for our lives.

"...which comes for your testing, as though some strange thing was happening to you...."
It is not by chance we are suffering. God knew we would go through this season of suffering. We would be tested.
I have always liked being tested. Maybe that is one of the reasons I enjoy running and racing so much. I train so hard knowing I will tested. When race day comes you go out to give your all. You are tested through pain. Through endurance.
I have found that if I stay positive and grateful I will have a better outcome at the end of my race. I test myself to be better.
God too tests us.

"..keep on rejoicing..."
Rejoicing through our trials not only allows us to get through it without being a "Debbie Downer" it also promises us that the more we rejoice now the more we will rejoice in heaven.
We can not control our suffering but we can control how we respond to it.

8 weeks of hair growth post chemo. 

Something to rejoice about!

I can't throw my hands up in the air to rejoice, I can't even raise my hands more than a 90' angle without it hurting like a son of a gun.
I am sure many of you want to say bad words to me when I say rejoice. I get it, divorce, death, sickness, loosing a job, how do you find joy in our trials. Especially when you want to say bad words, have a temper tantrum and curse God. When I came home from chemo, sicker than snot, trust me when I say I was not rejoicing. My heart wanted to, I didn't want to be angry, upset, bitter, oh I had my moments but it was not the billboard I wanted to hang.
I do rejoice in my special Nita kinda way.

• I try to find the silver lining.
• I always think of ways it could be worse
• I cling to the lil things that can make all the difference
• I circle myself around those that keep my spirits up and help to keep me in a good place

For every positive reaction there is also a choice to make a negative reaction to suffering. Choose to Rejoice. 

An Update in 5 points.

"Alec, will you go for a walk with me, ppppllleaseeee…" 

He really was very sweet. Not only did he go for a walk with me Sunday, he played games with me yesterday. It was very endearing. 

1.  Alec took me for a trail walk on Sunday at Sorenson. 2 easy miles.
2. I met my Radiologist Tuesday, Dr. Boike. We will now add him to the slew of Dr.s I have. 
3. I see Dr. Connor tomorrow, she is my Ob-Gyn that will be performing my oophorectomy.
4. I see Dr. Hainer to get saline injected into my expanders tomorrow. 
5. I scheduled to have my port out in December. 

So many Dr. appointments. 

When I met my radiologist his first sentence to me was "So, your an ultra runner..." Dr. Boike continued adding something along the lines of me not being able to run. Andy corrected him telling him that I had ran a couple marathons and a 50k this summer. 

While he was quite surprised, I added that I was not running anymore. 

My Serotonin levels are through the roof. I SOO wanna run, sweat and release this overabundance of emotional chaos that is growing and growing. 

That is not the only thing that is growing. MY BUTT! I tried on my sweatpants again, they are still tight! And at the dr's yesterday I gained ANOTHER POUND! 

The silver lining in that...I get to go shopping to buy bigger sweatpants! 

I am going to touch on a couple different thoughts on suffering. 

I would love to hear your thoughts. 

 Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.

Helen Keller