Seeing the Greatness in the Saddness.

"Between your birthdate and your death date there is a dash." What did you do with your dash? Well done Pastor Marc. Well done.... You impacted me in a way I will never be able to repay. Andys Post on Facebook.


I am just so bitter today. This is me being transparent. I am not all happy and smiley. I am not feeling like a 10. I am not overcome with the feeling of gratitude and thankfulness. I am not, I am sorry I just am not. 

I am ANGRY. 
I am Confused.
I am Lonely.
I am Bitter, Hurt, Discouraged, Saddened...

It is a rough day. A rough week. No one wants to hear Anita whine. Therefore I usually don't. People don't usually come along side me. Because I am really good at covering up the tears with a smile.
I just shrug off any emotion that people wouldn't know what to do with.

It is just assumed I will "Get over it".
It is just assumed "She will be OK".
"Anita is strong, she will be fine."
If I had a dime for every time I have heard this.

I have bad news. I am not always FINE. I make it really easy on a lot of people because I know people don't know how to be there for me if I am not happy.
If I smile all the time I really don't need anyone...

I have struggled all week. I have hidden behind a smile, a joke, a verse or someone else's issues.

I struggle watching how devastating death is. It is a hard blow. It is a punch of the past. It brings up so many memories and emotions that you have tried to plunge down the drain with all that unwanted garbage.

I rushed today to Mark Dalys Memorial from work. Mark was the man that picked up the pieces to my husbands addiction. He was the man that wrapped him loving arms and burly voice around my husband in his depleted and worthless state. He directed Andy to Christ, to Hope, to Healing. He took the time out of his busy pastoral schedule to make Andy feel like he was the most important person out there.
Its been over 9 years since my husband has picked up any drugs or alcohol. I owe that man my marriage. My life. My children's lives.

I sat there next to Andy Alone.
I looked up at my strong husband as tears streamed down his face and his body shaking.
I have sat in this seat so many times.
I have seen addiction steal so many amazing men and woman in my life.
I have had so many in my 40 years of life taken from me due to addiction.

I write. This is what I have always done since I was a child. I write my thoughts and try to counsel myself through my writing. I cant talk about it. No one really wants to talk about it. No one really thinks Anita talks about any type of sadness anyhow. She has it all together.

At the Funeral, people were given 1 minute to share their words about Mark. I remember having a very secret sin that still to this day only a couple people know about. Mark Knew.  I remember he looked me deep in the eyes. So deep that I felt like he was looking through my soul. So deep that I couple feel my heart quicken.
With deep love for me he bluntly called me out. I wanted to crumble. He knew. He knew and he loved me.
He loved me enough to confront me. He was raw and caring. He took the time to honestly see  my broken heart.

He is one of the only people I know that could see behind the smile, see through my smoke and mirrors, the deep pain that I struggled with.

Today, I am angry that addiction could take him. I am reminded again of the power drugs and alcohol have on people. On Strong people, on Beautiful people, on Godly people, on Loving, Kind, Generous and Faithful people.

Andy sat down reading all the notes and verses Mark had given Andy. "Anita, Why? Why couldn't he use these? Why me and not him?"
I just laid my head on his shoulders and said gently, "I don't know."

I think about that with my grandpa I never met, my uncles, my cousins, my mother and my father.
I am so lonely today for family. I miss my family so much. I feel so robbed. I have lived over 20 years with no mother and no father. My parents never got to meet my children, celebrate their monumental moments, see me get married, wipe my tears and allow me to be me.  I never got to do all those things with my parents because I was robbed by addiction.
I am Angry.
I am Lonely.
Addiction Sucks.
I am deeply saddened by the place addiction took a very amazing man. He is in Heaven I know this.
I hate the feelings of depression. It is so hard to see the greatness in the sadness.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Anita