A tank full of Discouragement.

WEDNESDAYS Track WORK OUT.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.    Proverbs 3:5-6

I have people ask me what program that I follow for my training. I sheepishly answer "The Anita Program."
I have never followed a training plan due to my work schedule. On the days that I work, I am typically on my feet anywhere from 7-9 hours. Training consistently on work days has never worked for me. It was more than just being on my feet all day, it was also being away from my family.
4 -5 days of running has always worked for me.
I usually average about 40 miles a week, peaking at 50 miles before a marathon.

My FIRST DISTRACTION:
HANSON HANSON HANSON program. I have been hearing this chiming in my ears now for weeks. From different people training this program. It trains accumulative fatigue, 6 days a week.
Training 6 days a week is not something I can do.

I made the mistake of entertaining different training runs that the Hanson program lays out at this time in my marathon training.

This past Sunday, I ran with Kathy. Kathy is training under the Hanson program and we both have similar goals for the Boston Marathon. I was able to run her run.

That seed started to grow..Distraction..
Kathy told me what she was running this week... More Distraction...

I bit, like a fish on a hook.

And I fell on my FACE in defeat and discouragement.

I went to the track this morning to run mile repeats. It was a beautiful morning. Jeff, came out to coach me. I wish I would have listened to him.
"Anita, why do you feel like you need to do this?" Jeff asked
"I just want to see if I can, maybe to help build my confidence." I replied slightly embarrassed.
Jeff shook his head and as an old time runner he responded, "At this point, you don't need a confidence booster."

Why didn't I listen to him. I knew better. I went to the track with perfect conditions. I was a bit sore in my legs, but nothing I thought a little shake out wouldn't fix.

My first mile repeat, I knew I was off the first 800m. I held nothing back. I ran as fast as my legs could go. I had nothing in the tank when I finished but a vessel filling up with discouragement.

I could feel the discouragement filling up more and more. My mind was racing frantically trying to figure out what I was doing wrong.

There were so many voices screaming in my ear.
"What if I didn't train good enough?"
"What if I fall apart at the race?"
"I gave my everything, how can I give all this at the race and still fail?"

It was awful. For the first time I was scared. Discouragement brought some additives. Fear, doubt, confusion to name a few.

I knew better. This what NOT my training Program. Who was I to Think I could just pull out pieces of a totally different program.
I tried to reason with my defeat as I left the track with my tail between my legs.
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The thing I KNOW. I am giving this to GOD. I was a mess all day yesterday afternoon. I would like to say I feel great today and have gotten over  it but that would be a lie.
I knew I should NEVER have ran the track work out.
I didn't train in such a way to reach the numbers required to have the outcomes that I was supposed to reach.
I really need God to restore my confidence and trust Him to move my legs at Boston.
I am on my knees begging God to give me the strength I do not have.

I don't want to be discouraged. I despise all the emotions circulating in me right now. DOUBT is a horrible emotion that drives you directly to defeat. It tosses your mind in all different directions.  It is like your mind goes on autopilot and you throw in the towel before you ever try.

Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind.James 1: 6

Asking for Prayers. I am 10 days out.

ANITA