A Legacy of Love.

 "Full many a glorious morning I have seen." William Shakespeare

I have been working on this for a few days. But the snow really brought it together. 

Everything covered in billowing white snow. Fresh. So calming. Quiet and peaceful. 

I see myself just staring out looking for serenity. Looking for God to calm my spirit. 

Another Christmas of memories not forgotten. 

Memories that tears still rest heavy in my eyes, longing for another conversation, another touch, another moment together with those that have gone before me. 

To hold them one more time. 

I cling to a couple sentiments that represent those I love and miss so dearly, a letter, a bible, a photo to cling to. 

Christmas does this every year to me. SO much joy shared, laughter and moments of love built around the memories of those I miss terribly. 

My grandma and I are notes takers. I had a couple different legacies I could have followed. My Grandma LOVED the Lord with all her heart and soul. She was strong and kind. She loved words. I followed after my grandma, She held the bar I will never reach. I am always so inspired by her strength. She lived to be 99. She had so much loss but never a loss of Love. 

I have learned how to grieve well. How to cry silently. I have learned how to be capable but not comfortable in my grief. Confident in my heartache. 

But God it still hurts so much. All these years later. All these months later. All these weeks later. 

As equipped as I think I am spiritually I get taken out so unexpectedly by grief. I grab all the sweetest memories, I try to analyze and compartmentalize my grief and can't get a grip. 

We all grieve differently. Different isn't wrong. Some see joy where there is pain and some see pain where there was joy. Learning how to grieve is the hardest part. Do it gently to yourself and others. 

Reason #312 I run. 

To Run away from it. 

To Run to it.

To Run it through my head. 

To Run with it. 

To Breathe. To let it all settle it. 

"Come what may, I want to run." 2 Samuel 18:23

Christmas afternoon, Andy and I put on our new gear and headed out for a little run. I just tucked in behind him trying to keep up and not slip. I would fall back when the road got thick with snow trying not to fall. My body still weak from months of chemo over a year ago but my mind determined to keep close. I could hear my heavy breathing. I could also hear those voices I was running from. I tried so hard to not cry in fear the tears would freeze. "Keep Running Nita...just run...."

LAST NIGHT. 

I was texting my sis in love, Leeanne in Florida. I was trying to convince her to run a race with me. 

ME: Hey, Don't give up because your old! Cuz  your only 4 more years older than me!

Leeanne: Yes but your amazing and more dedicated!!

Me: No, I'm just stubborn and emotional!

I run to control the emotions. Reason #263

Rundown: 

My miles are down, maybe that's why my emotions are high! 

To all those struggling this Christmas, I know I am not the only one, I am sending you a hug. 

Love Conquers All. 

Anita

Pilgrimage.

 "And that's the way I connected to God, That's how He speaks to me. For some reason storms give me peace. Because I know He's in charge of it. So in the same way He's in charge of my natural storm, He's in charge of my spiritual storms, My emotional storms. The human condition. When I am broken, when I want to give up, I know He's there." Pastor John Gray

I struggled getting out the door today. Monday, a day there is never enough coffee, never enough time and never enough energy to get through my endless list of procrastinated chores and deeds.  The motivation to tackle everything is there, the intention is there but I keep interrupting myself leaving half done things scattered throughout the house. 

I NEED TO FOCUS. 

Get out the door. 

Hello Winter. 29 degrees and windy. Monday Runday. 

All alone in the woods, I decided to run silently. Unplugged. 

Even hidden in the tall trees, the wind cut through me.  I was void of ambition to dig deep. I planned to run 12 miles, however, 10 miles sounded good, maybe even 9...

"Just get through the first loop Nita." I coaxed myself. 

"You have no race your training for, just take it easy." I reminded myself I wasn't training for anything anymore. My 50K, Yankee Springs was cancelled. Cancelled of course the day I ran 21 miles. My luck!

Somewhere between mile 2 and 3 I came up with a plan. *Take the first loop easy, walk the hills, keep your heart rate down and then try to shave off some time on the second loop. No music the first loop, try to work some stuff out in your head, then the second loop, tune it all OUT with music. 

I took the first hour and 8 minutes just thinking.  As Pastor Gray spoke of the oneness with God in storms, I related to this as I maneuvered solely through the trails at Holly Rec. 

I went through my emotional storms that I have been battling. Listening to my reasonings, my aggravations, my justifications and the narrative that I spoke to myself. I dissected my thoughts, ultimately asking God to "Search me..." 

The miles seemed to come together quicker than my solutions to being a better person were. 

But as I followed that last mile in, I gave it all to God. I had peace that I had sought Him in the cold and windy storms I have been battling. 

I turned my music all the way up for that second loop. 

Psalm 84:5-7 "Blessed are those whose strength is on you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage." 

This was part of my morning devotion today. 

In the first loop, I was thinking of a half dozen ways to NOT run 2 of the 6 mile loops. 

But I knew I had to keep moving. This is what "pilgrimage" means. Journey. Trip. Mission. 

As bad as I wanted to quit, as fatigued as I felt, I knew I had to keep moving. 

It took everything I had to just keep moving. 

As I came unto a hill, "Pump your arms..." I spoke to myself  trying to convince myself I am stronger than I feel. 

As I picked up my pace, I felt my heart pumping hot blood through my veins. My cheeks began heating up and I could feel sweat forming along my neck. My music was loud that I saw deer, squirrels and birds scattering as I came down the icy trail. I smiled. 

It felt good knowing I didn't quit. It felt good knowing I was only as strong as I convinced myself. I felt good having a "come to Jesus" meeting to prepare me for the day. 

I felt good knowing I didn't solve all my issues but I had peace in them. 

Anita~

Rundown: 

I took 3 RECOVERY days this week. I worked 4 days this week. On my feet all day doesn't make good run days. 

I also cross trained Wednesday, only running 3 miles but biking 15 miles. 

TOTAL weekly miles: 54.6

I was super stoked I got these miles, I had a lot of big runs preparing myself for a race that got canceled. I wasn't too disappointed. After the injuries I have come out of, I am grateful to still be upright! 

Sun burns in December

 

One summer many moons ago I got a really bad sunburn. The kind of sunburn that you can hardly move, you feel like your skin is cracking. Clothes hurt, you can't sleep at night, even a shower feels like you are getting pelted with sand. Every day you expect it to get better only to have new symptoms. Your skin is so sensitive that it makes everything you do a struggle. 

That is what so many of us are all like these days. So many people are struggling. We are hurting from depression, isolation, they are hurting from finances, fear, and the list goes on. 

I am so grateful to be cancer free but the reality is life is like that sunburn. I am healing but I am still so sensitive. I am cancer free. But covid has not been a great environment to heal. 

The world is struggling themselves. I am struggling with this whole covid pandemic and I have all this stupid residual damage from my cancer. 

I asked Andy last week if it is possible for an extrovert to turn introvert? I find myself so emotionally sensitive these days that isolating has been my safest choice. 

I have paused painting rocks and started painting birdhouses, just as ridiculous. 

Running is the best therapy. Most of my runs these days are solo. Do you ever listen to your own narrative? 

What do your thoughts say? 

What do they say about others? 

What do they say about yourself? 

I want to enjoy people. I want to be carefree and transparent. I want laughter and love. 

But its a struggle. 

A struggle for all. 

"Thank You"

I went out for a 7 mile run Saturday. Easy solo run. Just a run to feel the crisp morning air. To turn the legs over and to smile as I counseled myself. 

I ran through downtown Holly pain free and grateful. I looked around at all the deflated Christmas decorations and laughed to myself at the similarities I shared with them. 

As I ran down Saginaw I saw my favorite white boxer being walked by his own, Franz. 

I always say "Hi". You see, Franz lost his only daughter in 2016, murdered on Fish Lake Road, running. Her murderer never found. I organized a run in her honor where I met Franz for the first time. "Ally" was his only child. 

Yesterday, I didn't just say "Hi", I stopped. I didn't even bother to stop my watch. I asked if I could pet his dog, Zeus. Franz cheerfully said yes and proceeded to tell me about his dog. He didn't recognize me all bundled up so I reintroduced myself. He shared his broken heart, explaining that Zeus was a rescue dog to help him and his wife with their grief, but the truth is their fur baby actually rescued them. 

I just listened. I looked at him, deeply, into his wounded heart. When it was safe I gently told him it is always great to see him and Zeus and he replied, "Thank you, thank you for talking with me." 

He just needed me to be present. To meet him where he was at. 

"Galatians 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." 

Loving one another. Loving the broken. Encouraging one another, edifying and supplying your gifts for building others up. 

Some days it is hard to do this, it is hard to give when you feel empty, you cant give from a empty cup. 

Ahh, but how our cup fills when we love others. 

Many of us are sensitive right now. It made me feel good knowing I made him feel good just by being present. 

RUNDOWN: 

Weekly miles: 46.25

Longest Run: 17 miles @ Highland Rec

Today I start my "Back to Back" run in preparation for January 2nd, Yankee Springs 50K. I had to really talk Andy into running with me. I needed company! 

Today 10 miles, tomorrow 20-22 miles, between 4-5 hours of running. I am curious to see how I do. 

A little nervous. Its a lot of time in my head! 

 Anita!

"Running has taught me to love my brain, my body, and what both can do for me when I use them wisely and appreciate them." Meggie Smith 

What if....

"Pulling up a crop to help it grow" is a very old Chinese proverb.  I read about it today doing my devotion. This particular proverb is about an impatient man in the Song Dynasty. He is eager to see his rice seedlings grow quickly, so he would pull up each plant a few inches. After a day of tedious work the man surveyed his paddy field. He was happy that his crop seemed to have "grown" taller. But his joy was short-lived. The next day, the plants had begun to wither because their roots were no longer deep. 

You can not cheat whatever "Crop" you are trying to grow. 

This was a great illustration for me this week.  

The voices in your head during a long run can be quite exhausting.  I want to have my old legs and lungs back. I want to be stronger, faster better and I want it now. I feel the frustration growing as I struggle running in places that used to be easy. So much effort with minimal results. It all just seems like a whole heck of a lot of work.  

This proverb was such a gentle reminder that growth is not something that happens overnight. And you can not cheat trying. 

Cancer was a huge set back. I want to see the fruits of my labor but growth takes time. And growth is not always the picture we see it to be. I am almost 47 years old, I may never see the strength or pace running I had 2 years ago. These thoughts can be discouraging especially when you are laboring so hard. 

BUT yesterday as I ran I thought..

What if.....

What if I quit trying back in April 2019 when I was first diagnosed?

What if on my days I got chemo I decided I shouldn't run rather than getting up early to get a few "junk" miles in? 
What if on the days I didn't feel like it I stayed on the couch rather than at least going for a walk? 

What if when my oncologist said "Anita, if you are going to run then you have to come in another day during the week for blood draws so we can monitor you closely and I said "No" because it hurts and takes extra time? 

"What if on those days I cried from exhaustion and discomfort I never even tried? 

What if when I tore my meniscus in January I decided "God didn't want me to run"? 

or What if when I suffered for months from PF I quit everything and never got on the bike that I HATE? 

Would I be running now?

Would I have been able to do the very things I complain to myself aren't good enough? 

This little Chinese proverb was such a great reminder in  multiple ways

1. Keep doing the work
2. You can't cheat growth
3. Never give up
4. Find gratitude

Saturday, I headed out to Holly Rec. The plan was to run 3 loops, 18 miles. I was prepared, I had my nutrition, my hydration my rocks to hide and even a battery for my phone so I could listen to music. 

It was a solo run but the park was not lonely. My first loop I felt great, I stayed on track. The second loop I went into it feeling good. I met some new runners and said "Hi" to everyone and their dogs. 

I paused my watch as I hid a rock and off I went. I heard a "beep beep" noise and discovered I forgot to start my watch. I wanted 18 miles. I did that 2 times, forget to turn my watch back on after dropping a rock. I knew I had lost at least a half a mile. I wanted my watch to say 18 miles. So I ran extra. I was so tired I actually fell going down one of the hills smacking my left hip. I seem to favor my left side. I fell in the same place last week and I still have a angry scrape across my shin. 

It was then, wiping myself off, assessing the damage I began to pout in my misery. 

There was no cutting corners to get to 18 miles. I knew I had to just get back up and keep going. 

I found that frown begin to grin...

I was going to finish a 18 mile run. I was hitting my goals. 

I never cheated my crop. 

When all the odds were stacked against me I never quit. 

Growth takes time, its hard work, it hurts, but you have to keep working. Learn to be patient in the process. 

Another Chinese proverbs says: 

It is impossible to add much weight with a single morsel; it is hard to travel afar with a single step.

One can't expect success overnight. Used to encourage people to work hard instead of seeking an impossible shortcut.

But GOD'S word says it perfectly.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Gal 6:9

WHAT IF you quit before something amazing was about to happen?

Anita~

Another Turkey trot in the books with these ladies! 

Get a grip

 

"Smile" my cheesy talent

I am really trying here. I find it best when everything seems so chaotic to just back deeper inside myself. I have gotten so afraid of relationships, conversations, interactions that I think it is best to communicate as little as possible, although that even gets you in trouble these days. 

I repeat mantra hoping that I will act accordingly.

"You can attract more bees with honey than you can vinegar." 

"Kill em' with kindness." 

"Turn the other cheek..."

"Try to walk in their shoes.."

But even all the good intentions and apologies, all the transparencies and gentleness does not calm storms. 

I have been trying to just "Get a Grip" and calm the storm inside myself. 

"I long to complete a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble." -Helen Keller

 

The storm I am fighting is to just come back. To feel alive again after all that cancer BS.  This covid life has stole my recovery year from me. It has taken my celebrations. It has angered  souls, embittered relationships, and covered so many of us with confusion. 

Today, I was trying to do something a little more than mediocre, something to get me out of this funk and it held a questionnaire. 

One of the questions ask you to describe a talent you have. 

I just couldn't think of any. I put Smile. Cheesy, right?!

I really have no great talent. I am a pretty average Joe. But oh if my heart could just speak it is full of zeal, it does backflips never performed. My heart is exploding with useless talent. 

I have the heart of a lion but I am just a pipsqueak in comparison. 

This week I did some epic runs. Runs so average in the world of running but in my world they were great and mighty. 

"You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or parish. And if that be so, why not now and where you stand?" -Robert Louis Stevenson

Last Thursday, I challenged myself to a run with Danielle at Kensington and Island Lake. I knew I would be chasing Danielle. Kensington is a tough trail and it hurt the whole time. Every time I looked at my watch I knew why I was out of breath and in the hurt locker.  I tried to not let my pain confuse me telling myself to "get a grip" and don't quit. 

When we finished I got all choked up. I broke a 2 hour half marathon. I honestly thought just 2 weeks that was never going to happen again. Danielle encouraged me the whole time. 

It's in the little things that weigh in our hearts to epic proportions. I can't solve the worlds problems, I can't calm everyone's storms but I can get a grip on my storms. I can fight my battles. Set my goals and chase them. I can find humble tasks victorious. 

Anita~

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalms 51:10

Out of Sight

I wear other clothes other than running, my new skirt from Poshmark! 

     

Last Tuesday, I worked and headed to church for our recovery program that I have done for the last 15 years. The problem with this little routine was me. 

Addiction is a passion for me. Growing up in the chaos of addiction didn't make me bitter rather the battle made me more compassionate for the disease. The problem was not with my passion rather my pain from surgery less than a week prior. 

I touched up my make up, pulled up my boot straps and headed to Waterford to love on those struggling worse than even I was. 

Covid has really interrupted the recovery program at the River and many recovery places all over. 

After Roger spoke, we all left the auditorium to go to our individual meetings.  

Every step hurt to walk from the auditorium to downstairs where my room was. My thighs and hips were dark from angry bruises. I winced every time I had to get up or sit down. The pain took my breath away and fatigue had now set in as the clock approached 8pm. 

OUT OF SIGHT

We all sat in a circle. "Anita, I was surprised to see you here after your surgery." Angie was the 3rd person to express her surprise to see me. 

I sat there dressed from work, with a genuine smile across my face disguising my pain. My ruffled dress concealing my blackened legs. I had a late coffee to keep me from showing my exhausting. 

"....aren't you in a lot of pain...." She follows it up with. 

"Yes, I am but it's all good." I reply.

"Are you on any painkillers?" 

"No, no, I have gone this long with out them, I am not starting now." 

A new lady intercedes "Well, you must not be in that much pain." 

And added "you don't look like your in pain..." 

Concealed. Hidden. Disguised. 

Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. some people are better at hiding it than others. Will Smith 

Soo many are going through a battle you will never know. Don't be quick to judge. 

Covid has birthed a lot of emotional hurt. A lot of grief. A lot of loss. 

Pain isn't always written across someone's face. Some fight with everything to conceal it, that doesn't mean they are not struggling. And some are very open and share it. 

Be gentle with your words and your judgments. 

In other news, 

I tried my first run post surgery one week out. I biked 20 miles and walk/ran 3 miles. 

Yep, it hurt soo bad I think I quit breathing as I gritted my teeth. 

So I tried again the next day with Complete Runner. I ran 5 miles. The pain is in my legs where Dr. Hainer did all the fat grafting. It's soreness to the next level. 

Saturday I really wanted to try and run a longer run. Andy and I ran 12 miles, it was a very quiet run as I tried to listen to my body one mile at a time. I actually ended it early for fear I might regret it later. 

I knew I had to be gentle to my recovering body today. So I headed to the gym. I wasn't sore from running but I didn't want to overdo it and possibly do damage. So I masked up, road the bike, rowed, walked and did some light weights. 

11 days later...Ouch!

”Pain nourishes courage. You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.” – Mary Tyler Moore

ANITA~

She saw Love not my ugly

ALL DONE! Girdled up and going home. 

 "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity" Col 3:14

Wednesday was my final breast reconstruction surgery, with fat grafting. Every step, every movement hurt, I think it even hurt to breath. My body felt like it went through a meat grinder. Regardless, of how much pain I was enduring I had so much peace knowing that I would no longer have to have another surgery. No more booby surgeries, no more any surgeries. I am done. I am tired and I am ready to move forward and start living life unattached to cancer. I want to heal both physically and emotionally.  Cancer brings so much trauma. And I am tired. 

I have only had my breast surgeries at Beaumont Troy. And truth be told I have had so many surgeries there I actually know the staff. 

HERE IS A CRAZY part of my story. On TUESDAY,  the day before my surgery my client came in mentioning he was heading to Beaumont after his haircut. He was representing the CRNA's at the hospital. David my client told me he would make sure I had the best anesthetist. When I showed up for surgery they knew me! He actually set me all up! 

I had the same nurse I had the last time, Janice. "Yes, I remember you, you had the best attitude..." Janice welcomed me. I was very thankful that she remembered me from a good attitude rather than something bad. You never know if you are going to have to cross over the same bridge.

Dr. Hainer came in, marked me in blue sharpie like a science project. 

They came to wheel me down to the operating room asking me if I wanted something to calm me down. 

"Nope, I am pretty relaxed, this isn't my first rodeo, thank you but no." I responded chatting with my nurses like it was their lunch break. 

The room is bright and cold. Still laughing and chatting my nurse introduces me to everyone in the very large room. George is off to my right laying out all the instruments, my nurse anesthetist is behind me preparing my juice and my nurse is putting the oxygen over my mouth, "Deep breath Anita..your doing good..." She repeated that about 5 times, a couple deep breaths later I say to her "That light is getting blurry....." 

And 2 hours later, I was shaking, cold and groggy trying to will my body awake.  

"Hello Anita, how are you, can I get you anything?" A new nurse asks. 

"Coffee please." 

2 days later...

These were actually taken today. 

My legs are pulverized. The deep purple welts were now connecting turning my legs angry and blackened.  This time it hurt even more than the last time. I had so many holes where Dr. Hainer tried to get fat I was afraid I might spring a leak. My hips, my thighs, my belly, I had steri-strips all over my body. Every time Andy looked at me he cringed. 

My nieces and nephew spent the night with me Friday night. Even though I was in the hurt locker I wanted the company to keep my mind off my misery. 

Saturday morning, I snuck into the shower. I averted my eyes from the mirror as I gingerly removed my cloths. I climbed into the shower. I was scared of even the water touching me. 

I heard little footsteps. "Oh God NOOO" I cried to myself. There was nothing I could do as my niece popped her head through the shower curtain. I had no place to hide. I grabbed the wash cloth desperately trying to hide my mutilated body. "Annt Neeta.." 

I was mortified in my ugliness. I was so scared I would frighten her. 

But I didn't. 

She didn't even notice my horridness. She just looked at me with total adoration and love. 

She walked away and I began to cry. 

She saw love. She saw security. She saw her Aunt, flawless. She saw nothing physical at all. 

This was how we should see one another. 

I wanted to hide in shame. Embarrassed by my scars, decolorizations and ugliness.  

But she didn't see my shame. She didn't see me imperfections. 

I started this post sharing my last surgery but I wanted to end it by challenging you to love this way. 

To love blindly. 

To love unconditionally. 

To love the unlovable. 

In my shame she loved me blindly. 

Lessons from a toddler.

"You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear."

Anita~

BIG B's, Exchange

"Work with what you've got not with what you hoped for." Hotel Artemis

Do you think about what used to be? What once was? Even finding yourself chasing your yesterdays, trying so hard to catch up and trying even harder to just match up but not willing to give up. 

That's me. 

I remember so many conversations with my good friend Jeff as we ran together. He would always bring up his old days, chasing them. 

He would give me all the numbers and the percentages of fitness lost with each passing year in your 40's. All those equations and extrapolations never included stupid freaking cancer. They were discouraging enough without that element. 

I went out for my final run before another surgery this Wednesday. 

Under the knife I go. I hate it. 

"Work with what you've got not with what you hoped for." Hotel Artemis

(Andy and I watched this movie this week, I quickly jotted this quote down.) 

It would have been great to have your breasts completely removed and perfectly done the first time but that just is NOT the norm. 

Mom came over today. "Mom, can you put this tape on my scar?" I lifted up my shirt as she lovingly looked at my nakedness to place the scar tape on me. She could see the imperfections commenting "...you know Nita, I had to have 2 surgeries..." Andys mom had a mastectomy years ago as well. 

I responded, "Mom, I know people don't know what they are saying but they say things like 'Well, you got new boobs out of it'..."  I followed up with "I had to go through CANCER, CHEMO and hell,  I would take my double A's, middle aged sagging boobies back in a heart beat." 

I don't think people understand I DON'T want to have another surgery. I don't want to get cut again, I don't want to get poked, sliced or drugged. It hurts, it sucks, its scary. No matter how I have been, I am strong because I can't be weak. So "why" I know you are asking?  Because I am 46 years old and I still care about what I look like. I have an incredible surgeon that wants me to look good. And I appreciate him caring soo much. 

I never hoped to have perfect Hollywood breasts. I have angry scars and I am about to have more. But I can work with that. 

This is a great picture of how "little" I care about how BIG my breast can be. This was taken 3 months ago. I literally went so small that, that is why I have to have another surgery. 

"Work with what you've got not with what you hoped for." Hotel Artemis

I thought of this today on my final run when everything hurt and I couldn't breath up yet another hill. 

Every time I looked at my watch it was so much slower than my body thought I was running. 

I grunted, whined, winced, prayed, grimaced and just kept trying. 

When I had a breath, I laughed at hard I was trying, my pace was slowing down but I was so excited I hadn't face planted in the dirt. I could barely see the trail between my eyes watering from the cold and all the leaves hiding ankle twisting rocks and roots.  I was running at a pace that seemed like a gazelle but in reality it was more like a turtles crawl but I kept a mindful eye on my mile splits. I was  desperately trying to achieve anything in the 10-11m/mile pace. "Oh God it hurts so bad" I cried. 

I wondered, am I "HOPING" for more than I am capable of"? Am I chasing something unattainable? 

I let all these thoughts play like a broken record and just when I was ready to give up and walk,  "Polk Salad Annie" came on by Tony Joe White. This half crazy smirk came across my face at mile 10 along with a second wind. I couldn't stop laughing at the lyrics. And I found myself thinking....

"I've got this...I can work with what I've got...."

I can work with what I have. I can have hope but I have so much to be thankful for. I can work with this. 

Prayers for surgery PLEASE. I will be at Beaumont Troy. Implant exchange and fat grafting. I am not sure where they are going to get the fat. I have been eating everything but the kitchen sink trying to keep my weight on. Chips, cookies, cheese, cake and eating all through the night. 

Sorry for the undies shot, its not perverse it is clinical. keep it that way! 

Its the fat grafting that hurts so bad. I was bruised for weeks with mini scars all over my body. I am having to go bigger, A BIG B cup! Look out Dolly! I'm keeping em' small, that way you will still love me for my personality! 

Anita~

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen

Cancer Sucks..a couple things

 “Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.” —Alex Karras

When I was first diagnosed with TNBC last April it was like having an out of body experience for weeks. As soon as you are diagnosed you calendar fill up with multiple dr appointments, tests, scans, blood draws and the list goes on. You hardly have a chance to think. Then when you have a few minutes to collect all the information you feel like your in a very bad nightmare. Only there is no waking up from it. 

I remember telling a friend of mine "I don't want this to define me. I don't want this to be my story." 

And the response was "Then don't." 

At that time her response seemed logical. However, when the weeks turned to months and the effects of cancer  and chemo penetrate your every moment of every day it begins to drastically change your story. 

The rest of the world goes on. but you are getting chemo and blood work every week sometimes twice a week. Your blood is being watched like a hawk. Your body is declining and there is absolutely nothing you can do.  You are like fine china. 

I have learned a few things along the way. There were mistakes I made, things I learned too late, and areas I would have handled differently. 

Breast cancer is not all the same. And it is handled quite differently. 

• ER positive: (Estrogen receptor positive)
• PR positive: (Progesterone receptor positive)

Breast cancer cells grow by responding to certain hormones. 

• HER2: another form or breast cancer is where the cells have to much protein. 
• TNBC: Estrogen receptor negative, progesterone receptor negative 
• MTNBC: the same as TNBC only it is hard to treat b/c there are no known proteins for cancer drugs to target. 
• There are other types of breast cancer but these are a few. 

COMMON SYMPTOMS OF BREAST CANCER:

• A new lump or mass
• swelling
• skin irritation or dimpling
• breast or nipple pain
• nipple retraction
• redness/ thickening of the nipple/breast skin

I want to share a few facts from the Susan B. Komen site. 

• About 4 percent of breast cancers occur in women younger than 40. 

• Breast cancer survival depends on a person’s diagnosis and treatment.

• 276,480 new cases of invasive breast cancer (This includes new cases of primary breast cancer, but not recurrences of original breast cancers.) 2020

• 42,170 breast cancer deaths 2020

• Five-year survival rates tend to be lower for triple-negative breast cancer (TNBC) than for other forms of breast cancer. I HATE THIS STAT. 

• TNBC is also more likely than some other types of breast cancer to return after it’s been treated, especially in the first few years after treatment. This is why I had a mastectomy

No more stats. Every time I read these I get upset. 

I am sharing this all with you because I feel I need to due to it being BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. 

I have lived breast cancer, I have survived breast cancer and I have learned a few things. I am going to share 10 of the most important things I learned. 

1. DO not do it alone. Isolation leads to depression and having cancer is depressing. Do not be ashamed, reach out for support. 
2. Two ears are better than one. Always have someone with you to help "HEAR" things better at your Dr appointment. . many times Andy and I "Heard" different things. 
3. STAY ACTIVE. You have to stay strong. Chemo breaks your body down, the stronger you are the better you recover. You don't have to go to the gym, walking alone speaks volumes to your body. Doing a little is more than doing nothing. Get a partner to hold you accountable, I had several. 
4. WATER WATER WATER. You have to flush that poison out of your system. You can not let your body get dehydrated. This was a major failure of mine. 
5. PROTEIN, very important for cellular recovery. I wish I did better at this. It is so hard to intentionally eat extra protein when you are always nauseas. 
6. Keep your faith. It is so easy to cry "WHY?".  You wonder WHY God did this to you. HE didn't. We live in a broken world. God doesn't give cancer. Keep your faith, your hope, this really helps you recover better. being sad, depressed or angry is NOT good for your healing. 
7. Accept help. People want to help you. LET THEM. Cancer takes a lot from you, your routine is going to change, you can't do what you used to. It is OK to take care of yourself. 
8. PUT your make-up on every day. When I didn't wear make up I found myself fighting emotions. It is so hard to look at yourself when you don't recognize yourself. A little lipstick goes a long way. 
9. Do not let cancer allow you to behave badly.  I didn't want cancer to be an excuse to behave badly. I wanted to keep trying to be the best version of me I could. 
10. Be confident. Own it. Stay strong minded. Put that smile on and live the best you can.

My last chemo was September 2019  but that didn't mean my treatment or the journey was over. I would still have to have 25 rounds of radiation and more breast reconstructions. Hopefully, this November 4th will be my final one. 

My body is resetting, getting stronger and recovering. It is a process to go through, it is going to be a process to recover from. Recovery has to be intentional too. Exercise, eat healthy (you are what you eat).  I continue to drink protein shakes to recover the cellular damage. I have noticed a significant difference doing this.

 Find gratitude EVERY DAY. 

Beaumont hospital called me today to prep me for surgery next week. She made a joke about all my surgeries this last year and how 2020 can be over. I responded "NAW, I survived cancer is 2019, 2020 is my victory year, I am very grateful..." She stumbled on her words but with sincere kindness she responded "WOW, what a great outlook, that's why you did so well, a good perception, thank you." 

“You beat cancer by how you live, why you live and in the manner in which you live.” —Unknown

RUNDOWN: 

 “Don’t let breast cancer take away the motivation to achieve your dreams.” —Diana Cohen

I am trying to discover who I am these days. I am not ashamed to have a small portion of my life speak volumes in my story. Cancer SUCKS. But it is a large portion of you. 

I was looking forward to todays run. 

MY GOAL: 20 miles @ Rose Oaks. 

I ran solo. Rachel rode the loop on her bike chatting for a few minutes here and there when she looped me but I embraced my time ultimately with myself. Listening to my voices today was more pleasant than listening to them months ago. I can hear my thoughts, more peaceful. More thoughtful. More prayerful and more grateful. 

Not perfect, not even close. But today, I actually enjoyed my own company. 

After running 2 loops, I had to go out for one more. Rachel  had already road 30 miles and was heading home. She yells out the door "Do the HARD things, run the hills, keep going, don't stop....and all that other crap, ha ha." 

And so I did. Every stinking hill and even a mile more because somehow that cut through was too much! I wanted to walk when my watch hit 20 but dog gone Rachel..."Do the hard things"! 

                                                                         Praise God. 

Dream on. The 3 B's.

Last years MCM. 

 I make the joke all the time, "..it's crazy how little my boobies are and how much attention they are getting." 

All jokes aside, this October a year ago a lot went down, I ran Marine Corp marathon. One of my most memorable races. A race that was a dream come true in so many ways. The opportunity to run this marathon with cancer just a blink behind me, The dream to run this with my brother, sister in love and Andy as well as mom and dad traveling to Virginia to cheer us on. Not to mention just the fact that I got into the race was a awesome adventure. 

It all started with a dream. With a little faith and a lot of hope. 

My doctors wanted me to have my mastectomy that week, they ALL granted me this dream even writing it in my files. 

Against the OdDs. 

One week later I would have my breasts removed. Everything all the way to the pectoral muscle. Expanders, tubes, drains and more doctor appointments than one would think possible. 

Today with all intensity I share with Andy "LOOK! LOOK! Andy I couldn't do this just a few weeks ago." I share this excitement as I balance my body on one leg and squat down. "ANDY, Andy, I couldn't even bend down without having to grab something to get back up everything hurt so bad!" I continued as I squatted multiple times in front of him. I WAS SO HAPPY! 

No pain, my body for the first time doesn't feel like it is 80 years old. 

 I see my oncologist in 2 weeks. I have a slew of questions for him. 

1. Why are my eyes so bad? Should I make an appointment? Will my eyesight continue to decline? 
2. How long does it take for my speech to get better? I can't form sentences very well. 
3. Are there any supplements I can take to help my body as I continue to recover?
4. Why am I bruising so bad? 
5. What are these large bruises from? They are the size of grapefruits. 
6. What is the percentage I may have my cancer return?
7. What about Pancreatic cancer? That is part of my BRCHA mutation? 
8. How can I get extra screening for Pancreatic cancer? 
9. What about my boys, how can we get them genetic tested? 

I don't want to die. Pancreatic cancer really sucks. It sits on my shoulders like a monkey on my back. I want to live so much more life. I love living. Pancreatic cancer is so hard to detect. I try not to go there but I see these bruises on my body and I get so tired, I go there. I just want a breather. I don't want to live constantly in fear of death. 

So I continue to DREAM. I continue to live, to plan, to love life. To live life like it is going to be my last day. SO should you. 

It is Gods Timing. You have to be BRAVE. You have to be Bold. You have to Beleive. 

BRAVE: “Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.” Billy Graham

You must be brave enough to see yourself taking ownership of your fear. Not letting your fear direct you. 

BOLD: "Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold." 2 Cor 3:12 

I think I may have a bit of a Napoleon complex. For a little person I am quite bold. But I hold so dearly to Hope. I cling to hope, always dreaming and forever believing..

BELIEVE: "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

 Hebrews 11:1

RUNDOWN: 

Sunday I took off down E. Holly road. As I ran I tried to come up with a plan that didn't involve pain. I was thinking a solid 10 miler at a 9 minute pace. I thought it would be fun to try to get as close to a 9min/m as I could. 

I messed that up the first mile, significantly to fast. I tried 3 more miles, still too fast. I stopped to take my coat off but forgot to stop my watch. "CRAP!" I barked at myself. Now I was going to be signifigantly OVER a 9min/m. Unless, unless I picked it up. I said a little prayer and took off down E. Holly road towards Elliot rd. I could hear my breathing as I tried so hard to keep my pace. I glanced at my watch and saw that I was running a 7:30min/mi. I knew I had to maintain that to balance out that mile. 

My watch beeped, 8:31! I did it! I did it! Compelled to see if I could have a negative split I continued to run Godspeed. 

YOU can't give up. I am telling you. I prayed and grunted "FIGHT". I knew I had to fight. I fought my demons, I fought myself, my brokenness, my surgeries, my yesterdays. 

My yesterdays are NOT my todays. Sometimes your biggest enemy is the words you talk to yourself with. 

Pain feels so good when you accomplish things you once DREAMED. 

A little DREAM, a big DREAM, its yours. Be brave with boldness and believe. 

Anita~ 

Some of my fall rocks. 

Bear Lake Ultra: BIB #150!

Photo credit Kris T

 "Andy, my belly is jittery, I think I am nervous...." The drive from Holly to Lapeer had my tummy doing somersaults, my prerace jitters weren't from the 34 degree temps out! 

Covid cancelled many races this year. But Bear Lake Ultra squeaked in with less than half the participants and I was one of the lucky ones. 

I haven't pinned a bib on in a LONNNG time. 

My Goal: To run a Marathon. 26.2 miles and try to do it in under 6 hours. Not a fast time, but a respectable time for a trail marathon. 

My Concerns: Last October, I ran my last big race, Marine Corp Marathon, I ran that marathon bald, just finishing a summer of chemo.  I did this just a week before having my mastectomy, a very aggressive breast cancer took a lot from me last year. This was as I had put it then "My Last Hoorah". And it really has been.  I would have 4 more surgeries, from my boobies being reconstructed to my ovaries removed to having my meniscus done. My body went to hell in a hand basket from that day forward. I have only ran 1-20 miler since then. I haven't been able to run consistently oddly enough since I was going through chemo! I didn't run for a month over the summer.  I believed I could do a marathon distance, I just wasn't sure how ugly it would be. 

My Inspiration: My friend Sarah Moore was running a very difficult race the same day, I was encouraged by her grit. 

I had asked for prayers from people. I believe God grants us the desires of our heart. He can use all things, including this broken mess. 

Our packet pick up, so personal, Robs mom made the masks

Bear Lake Ultra
Rob, the race director had less than 90 runners participating in his 3 mile loop. This was the 3rd year. You run as long as you can. There is only one aid station, where the start/finish is. You can have crew and tents at the start/finish line to support you. You must yell your bib number every loop when you come in and before you go back out again. 

"All runners will be challenged & rewarded as they loop their way along rolling hills on single track trails, wide groomed trails, roots, rocks and a few bridge crossings." 

The Gang: Complete Runner was one of the sponsors. We had 6 of us representing, Andy, Antonio, Zane, Mary, Ryan and I. 

 

READY, SET, GO! 

"If you want to run, run a mile. If you want to experience a different life run a marathon. If you want to talk to God run an ultra." 

Photo credit Kris T

We ran out of bread at home so Andy toasted some hamburger buns with butter and honey. I was still laughing at our breakfast that seemed so long ago as we began running down the road to the trail. 

I wasn't too worried about getting hungry, I would be eating every time I came into the aid station. I have learned to eat a little whenever I can and drink, drink drink. 

I was hoping I could run with Andy, 23 years of marriage might mean you are life partners but not necessarily running partners! 

Barely a mile into our run, I heard a familiar voice...."It's so pretty!" It was RACHEL! Rachel and Kris came out with great cheer and cow bells. I was so stoked! 

BIB #150!

As we are closing in on our first loop, we are climbing up the road, the aid station is literally centered at the top of the hill. "Andy, we have to run into the aid station every time." I advise. 

I make that turn into the aid station full of energy, dancing and I  yell "BIB NUMBER 150!" 

All caught up in the excitement, I am embarrassed to say I forgot to pray, something I always do before I run. After a couple loops, I see Rachel and Kris at the aid station and I ask them to pray over me. 

I knew there was no way I could do this race without God's hands on me. 

The Box of Dreams

My body felt incredible. I had more energy than Carter had pills. As we were coming up the hill to the start/finish Andy (for the third or fourth time) and I would pick a spot we would try to run to. It was a box, for trash. "Run to the box" Andy said. This runner was near us and responds, "That's your box of dreams, where you put all your hopes and dreams." I laughed, that little box would be my box to run to every time, it represented so much for me. It would leave me breathless, but never hopeless. 

12.5 

I was almost half way there and I felt amazing. My knee was strong and my PF was full of hope. 

I was fully confident that I would get my marathon in at this point. I didn't want to verbalize it afraid it might be arrogant, but I just knew.....

Antonio brought his Theragun to help our piriformis.  

26.2
"Andy take my picture, I did it, I ran my marathon!" 

I not only ran my marathon I ran it in under 6 hours. 

I felt as fresh as I did in the beginning. I never let on to Andy that I didn't want to quit. I wanted to keep running, maybe try for a 50k. 

Photo credit Kris T

50K
Running in loops allows your mind to get distracted. If your in a bad mental place it can make it worse, but if you stay in a land of butterflies and rainbows it keeps you hype. I was so hype. I would shout every time I came into the aid station, "ONE, FIVE, OOOOOH!" Then the aid station would cheer me in. I hit the 50K mark in what seemed like a breath.  Andy asked if I was going to keep going. I tried not to cry, I felt myself getting choked up, "Andy, I don't understand it, why do I feel so good? This is crazy, I know what pain feels like, and I don't have any..." 

And so I ran....

I had fun painting rocks earlier that week with our names on them and hiding them in the woods. Other runners were having fun not only trying to find them but they too were picking them up and hiding them! It took Ryan a 50k to find his rock and Antonio was so confused when his rock was gone, rehidden and poor Miko found his only once and never again. It became a game to play while we were all torturing ourselves. 

My 31 miles added up but not as quick as the sun was setting. 

"Find the level of intolerance you can tolerate and stay there."

And darkness appeared. Beyond 31

I didn't think I would be able to go back out to run even though my legs were still attached and my breath was still easy. They were requiring headlamps to go back out. I was bummed. I wasn't running my race, I had been ultimately running Andy's race and we run so differently. "If only we hadn't spent so much time in the aid stations." I whispered to myself. I really wanted to go back out but darkness was coming fast and I couldn't out run it. I only had 3 more loops to go and I would have over 50 miles. 

Still running through the aid station, "ONE -FIVE - OOHH" I shout still chipper as I followed Andy back to our tent where Ryan K and Joselyn were cheering us all on. I mentioned that I couldn't go back out without a head lamp and how I hadn't thought I would have ran this far so I wasn't prepared. Ryan responded, I brought my headlamp...." And just like that I was back out there with Andy. 

I  had ate all day, pizza, potatoes, cheese quesadillas, grapes, oranges, water, and the list goes on. And I drank, water, ginger ale, Ucan, I took Motrin and had a couple chews but none of that could explain how my body was still moving so well. 

It was so dark, I knew to pick my feet up and stay light. I never fell or tripped once. 

With one loop to go, 50 miles literally fell in the beginning loop, Andy took off without me. He was going to try to get that mile in under 12 hours. I took off after him in the dark, hauling butt down the hill to find him. 

I caught up to Andy and took the lead to try and pace him in that last mile. We picked up mile 49 but not fast enough. 40 seconds shy, we scaled way back walking more than we had been. 

BIB #150!! 

As I screamed my bib number with all smiles, I finished it up with "And I am DONE!"  They had all knew I had only hoped for a marathon, so with each loop I came in singing my bib number, the Bear Lake crew cheered me on in surprise. I had many encourage me and tell me how much fun I was. The volunteers were exceptional and thankfully never got sick of me. Most people are ready to kick me to the curb after a couple hours, they had been with me for over 12 hours! 

53 Miles: When I try to wrap my head around it I just can't. These days we do not see God parting seas or people walking on water but let me tell you...I have 53 miles of miracles. I have coached, been coached and know a few things about running. Running 53 miles after only training 1- 20 miler in almost a year...is just plain craziness. I could possible understand it if I crawled that 53 miles in but I didn't, I danced it in, laughed it in with pure JOY. Other than a few blister and a tight hamstring I had no ailments. There is only one explanation...The power of prayer. 

"Call unto me, and seek me, and I will show you great and mighty things which thou knowest not." Jeremiah 33:3

As broken and depressed, as discouraged and doubtful as I have been the last year and a half  I never quit believing God wouldn't restore me. 

I just had to not give up, not get hopeless, keep my faith...

Somewhere around mile 27 Andy was getting discouraged. I responded "..every loop can be all together different than the previous one, good, bad or indifferent but you can't give up on a bad loop when a good one might be just around the corner."

Such is life and the seasons of life. This has been a tough season for many, just a reminder to hold onto HOPE, keep your faith and get back out there. 

Special thanks to: Mom and Dad, they came out not once but twice to cheer us on in that cold weather. Rachel and Kris, so grateful they prayed with both Andy and I. I am grateful for the boldness of friends to pray and honor God. Kris brought her camera and took some great photos. 

Congrats to my CRU members that all ran epic miles pushing their bodies, Antonio crushed over 50 miles, Andy rocked his FIRST 50 miler, Ryan just a few weeks after his 100 miler beat his 100k time, and Miko for running a sub 24 hour 100 miler on a tough course. 

And a big Thank you to Rob, For pushing forward to have a race when everything was shutting down he never quit. He and his volunteers did a fabulous job. 

"Despite what seems like the extraordinary nature of these events, in the end, they make you more human." 

Sweet Miah cheering from home! 

ANITA~