Dream on. The 3 B's.

Last years MCM. 

 I make the joke all the time, "..it's crazy how little my boobies are and how much attention they are getting." 

All jokes aside, this October a year ago a lot went down, I ran Marine Corp marathon. One of my most memorable races. A race that was a dream come true in so many ways. The opportunity to run this marathon with cancer just a blink behind me, The dream to run this with my brother, sister in love and Andy as well as mom and dad traveling to Virginia to cheer us on. Not to mention just the fact that I got into the race was a awesome adventure. 

It all started with a dream. With a little faith and a lot of hope. 

My doctors wanted me to have my mastectomy that week, they ALL granted me this dream even writing it in my files. 

Against the OdDs. 

One week later I would have my breasts removed. Everything all the way to the pectoral muscle. Expanders, tubes, drains and more doctor appointments than one would think possible. 

Today with all intensity I share with Andy "LOOK! LOOK! Andy I couldn't do this just a few weeks ago." I share this excitement as I balance my body on one leg and squat down. "ANDY, Andy, I couldn't even bend down without having to grab something to get back up everything hurt so bad!" I continued as I squatted multiple times in front of him. I WAS SO HAPPY! 

No pain, my body for the first time doesn't feel like it is 80 years old. 

 I see my oncologist in 2 weeks. I have a slew of questions for him. 

1. Why are my eyes so bad? Should I make an appointment? Will my eyesight continue to decline? 
2. How long does it take for my speech to get better? I can't form sentences very well. 
3. Are there any supplements I can take to help my body as I continue to recover?
4. Why am I bruising so bad? 
5. What are these large bruises from? They are the size of grapefruits. 
6. What is the percentage I may have my cancer return?
7. What about Pancreatic cancer? That is part of my BRCHA mutation? 
8. How can I get extra screening for Pancreatic cancer? 
9. What about my boys, how can we get them genetic tested? 

I don't want to die. Pancreatic cancer really sucks. It sits on my shoulders like a monkey on my back. I want to live so much more life. I love living. Pancreatic cancer is so hard to detect. I try not to go there but I see these bruises on my body and I get so tired, I go there. I just want a breather. I don't want to live constantly in fear of death. 

So I continue to DREAM. I continue to live, to plan, to love life. To live life like it is going to be my last day. SO should you. 

It is Gods Timing. You have to be BRAVE. You have to be Bold. You have to Beleive. 

BRAVE: “Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.” Billy Graham

You must be brave enough to see yourself taking ownership of your fear. Not letting your fear direct you. 

BOLD: "Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold." 2 Cor 3:12 

I think I may have a bit of a Napoleon complex. For a little person I am quite bold. But I hold so dearly to Hope. I cling to hope, always dreaming and forever believing..

BELIEVE: "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

 Hebrews 11:1

RUNDOWN: 

Sunday I took off down E. Holly road. As I ran I tried to come up with a plan that didn't involve pain. I was thinking a solid 10 miler at a 9 minute pace. I thought it would be fun to try to get as close to a 9min/m as I could. 

I messed that up the first mile, significantly to fast. I tried 3 more miles, still too fast. I stopped to take my coat off but forgot to stop my watch. "CRAP!" I barked at myself. Now I was going to be signifigantly OVER a 9min/m. Unless, unless I picked it up. I said a little prayer and took off down E. Holly road towards Elliot rd. I could hear my breathing as I tried so hard to keep my pace. I glanced at my watch and saw that I was running a 7:30min/mi. I knew I had to maintain that to balance out that mile. 

My watch beeped, 8:31! I did it! I did it! Compelled to see if I could have a negative split I continued to run Godspeed. 

YOU can't give up. I am telling you. I prayed and grunted "FIGHT". I knew I had to fight. I fought my demons, I fought myself, my brokenness, my surgeries, my yesterdays. 

My yesterdays are NOT my todays. Sometimes your biggest enemy is the words you talk to yourself with. 

Pain feels so good when you accomplish things you once DREAMED. 

A little DREAM, a big DREAM, its yours. Be brave with boldness and believe. 

Anita~ 

Some of my fall rocks.