BIG B's, Exchange

"Work with what you've got not with what you hoped for." Hotel Artemis

Do you think about what used to be? What once was? Even finding yourself chasing your yesterdays, trying so hard to catch up and trying even harder to just match up but not willing to give up. 

That's me. 

I remember so many conversations with my good friend Jeff as we ran together. He would always bring up his old days, chasing them. 

He would give me all the numbers and the percentages of fitness lost with each passing year in your 40's. All those equations and extrapolations never included stupid freaking cancer. They were discouraging enough without that element. 

I went out for my final run before another surgery this Wednesday. 

Under the knife I go. I hate it. 

"Work with what you've got not with what you hoped for." Hotel Artemis

(Andy and I watched this movie this week, I quickly jotted this quote down.) 

It would have been great to have your breasts completely removed and perfectly done the first time but that just is NOT the norm. 

Mom came over today. "Mom, can you put this tape on my scar?" I lifted up my shirt as she lovingly looked at my nakedness to place the scar tape on me. She could see the imperfections commenting "...you know Nita, I had to have 2 surgeries..." Andys mom had a mastectomy years ago as well. 

I responded, "Mom, I know people don't know what they are saying but they say things like 'Well, you got new boobs out of it'..."  I followed up with "I had to go through CANCER, CHEMO and hell,  I would take my double A's, middle aged sagging boobies back in a heart beat." 

I don't think people understand I DON'T want to have another surgery. I don't want to get cut again, I don't want to get poked, sliced or drugged. It hurts, it sucks, its scary. No matter how I have been, I am strong because I can't be weak. So "why" I know you are asking?  Because I am 46 years old and I still care about what I look like. I have an incredible surgeon that wants me to look good. And I appreciate him caring soo much. 

I never hoped to have perfect Hollywood breasts. I have angry scars and I am about to have more. But I can work with that. 

This is a great picture of how "little" I care about how BIG my breast can be. This was taken 3 months ago. I literally went so small that, that is why I have to have another surgery. 

"Work with what you've got not with what you hoped for." Hotel Artemis

I thought of this today on my final run when everything hurt and I couldn't breath up yet another hill. 

Every time I looked at my watch it was so much slower than my body thought I was running. 

I grunted, whined, winced, prayed, grimaced and just kept trying. 

When I had a breath, I laughed at hard I was trying, my pace was slowing down but I was so excited I hadn't face planted in the dirt. I could barely see the trail between my eyes watering from the cold and all the leaves hiding ankle twisting rocks and roots.  I was running at a pace that seemed like a gazelle but in reality it was more like a turtles crawl but I kept a mindful eye on my mile splits. I was  desperately trying to achieve anything in the 10-11m/mile pace. "Oh God it hurts so bad" I cried. 

I wondered, am I "HOPING" for more than I am capable of"? Am I chasing something unattainable? 

I let all these thoughts play like a broken record and just when I was ready to give up and walk,  "Polk Salad Annie" came on by Tony Joe White. This half crazy smirk came across my face at mile 10 along with a second wind. I couldn't stop laughing at the lyrics. And I found myself thinking....

"I've got this...I can work with what I've got...."

I can work with what I have. I can have hope but I have so much to be thankful for. I can work with this. 

Prayers for surgery PLEASE. I will be at Beaumont Troy. Implant exchange and fat grafting. I am not sure where they are going to get the fat. I have been eating everything but the kitchen sink trying to keep my weight on. Chips, cookies, cheese, cake and eating all through the night. 

Sorry for the undies shot, its not perverse it is clinical. keep it that way! 

Its the fat grafting that hurts so bad. I was bruised for weeks with mini scars all over my body. I am having to go bigger, A BIG B cup! Look out Dolly! I'm keeping em' small, that way you will still love me for my personality! 

Anita~

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen