Trying.. and Tiramisu

"Bid me run and I will strive with things impossible." William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

These gray days are duplicating one another bringing a accumulative shadow over many of us. 

We have to really be intentional with our thoughts. We have to separate from what we are NOT from what we are. If we don't get the reigns on our thoughts we are going to get lost in these deep gray days. 

Yes, the days are getting longer but its not coming fast enough. 

Blahhh...

Michigan in January, blahhhh.. 

Accountability. 

Last Thursday, Andy and I ran with CRU. I have been doing double runs on Thursdays. The group is made mostly of guys. I tease them all the time telling them that they scared all the girls off because they of their tights! Men in tights, NOOO!! 

I was the only girl to show up with Andy. They run fast, much faster than I can keep up with, its probably those tights! I ran with them before I had cancer. Then I ran with them during cancer but it took everything to not get lost in Flint as I struggled to keep up in my broken body. Then last January, I tore my meniscus. I was just building my strength up from cancer and it all went down the tubes. 

That was a year ago this week and to add injury to insult as I started to recover, PF plagued me and my summer, extending my recovery to the fall. 

But last Thursday, we took off from Complete Runner at a steady pace. I hung back trying to talk when spoken to and keep up. 

I felt the pace slowly picking up. It is a 5 mile route and at mile 3 I was determined to stay with the guys. I couldn't talk, my eyes were focused in front of me and I had lost Andy. I wanted to feel strong, I wanted to feel recovery, I wanted to know what I could do, I wanted to TRY. Antonio kept trying to talk to me, "SHUT UP, I Can't TALK!!" I barked at him as he bantered with me. The crisp air was so refreshing as I stayed on the toes of Ryan, Ryan and Antonio. 

With every heart beat, skin and bones, fighting against failure I fought harder. I DID IT. I stayed with the guys. I couldn't talk for a few minutes but I did it. I wanted to puke, but I DID IT!

No Excuses

These gray dreary days we have to TRY. Every day we just have to try a little bit. I was so inspire by a friend of mine, Terri Williams. She was out in the cold weather walking today. She was TRYING. She posted a picture and I was so excited for her. 

Its about baby steps. just a little here and a little there, it adds up.

But you know what else adds up....EXCUSES. 

I have had 2 years of opportunistic excuses. 

Don't get in the habit of making excuses. 

Today, my body was so tired. Everything hurt. But I laced up, I grabbed my new Kahtoola nano spikes and headed to Holly Rec for a couple snowy loops. I could hardly get one foot in front of the other. But I had planned to meet my running partner and keep doing the hard things. It was not easy, but no excuses I did it! 

It all made sense. 

This afternoon I sat down to add last weeks miles. 

Weekly Miles: 67

MON. 20m

TUES. OFF RECOVERY.

WEDNES. 5m

THURS. 16.04m

FRI. OFF RECOVERY

SAT. 6.04m

SUN. 20.04m

Well, that explains why I feel like I have been ran over by a mack truck. Tomorrow, NO RUN! 

"Instead of overtraining, cut back a bit on the running and do the things to stay healthy: stretching, hydrating, eating well, etc." Mark Coogan 1996 Olympic marathoner

I just keep coaching myself. I keep telling myself all things positive. I try to encourage others and find it encouraging me. Positive Self Talk. 

Here's your Take Away:

1. Accountability
2. Encourage others
3. No Excuses
4. Positive self talk
5. Spandex, if all else fails, wear more tights! 

   

   Doug and Antonio, very aerodynamic in their tights! Speed Racers.  

   
   

Anita!

YOU HAVE GOTTA TRY THIS RECIPE! Alecs girlfriend and I made this Tiramisu and it was  amazing. She did most of work, I just assisted. It tasted just like Olive Garden, which is my favorite. 

 Joanna Gaines's Tiramisu Recipe and Photos | POPSUGAR Food

Where the fight is..

 "Call me cynical, but original

Tryin' to fit into a world that's so digital

Came to let you know

I left the pigeon hole

Now I gotta find an edge, won't let it go

All I need

It don't let me down, it don't let me down

All I need

And it don't let me down, it don't let me down

Tell me where the fight is..." 

Jake Bugg

A1A Marathon T-30 days. 

Monday, I set out to add a mile or two to my long run putting me at 16 or 17miles. 

My body has stayed strong. My body has stayed injury free. 

So many solo runs to keep my mind focused. 

Andy at the last minute asked if I would like him to join me. I was so stoked. 

The Plan:

Rose Oaks Backroads loop-7.25 miles, X's 2. 

Hydration: 10 oz H2O, 10oz Nuun electrolyte supplement

Nutrition: Gu Roctane Coffee

Target Pace: 9:30-9:45

Tell me where the FIGHT is..

The beauty in training is working for something more.  I love setting goals and working to achieve them. 

These days I feel like I am fighting harder than ever. I feel like more than ever I am fighting against the odds. 

I LOVE the fight. I love fighting all of hell for a taste of heaven. The feeling of being so dependent on God, being so depleted of myself, emptied of self, begging God for another breath, another step, another chance....I love being absolutely nothing only to have Him build me, strengthen me and create me. 

I embrace the physical pain, reminding myself of all the pain this life offers, this world will eat your heart out and we can not give up or give in. We have to fight.

We have to fight to be better. 

"Now I gotta find an edge, won't let it go"

It was rainy and sleety when we started. After the first loop, the sleet turned into snow and the temperatures dropped. 

I kept the pace down, we added 30 second walk breaks every 6 minutes. I have always trained with meticulous walk breaks. It has been proven to help prevent injury and endurance. 

But at 15 miles Andy left me. He left me to finish the last couple miles solo. He jokingly said, "You might as well do 20...."

I ran down that long wide dirt road with nothing but the music in my ears. I questioned everything. Overthinking is one of my favorite character defects. 

"Just do it, find your place....FIGHT.." 

I found myself turning off the dirt road and now running along Milford rd. It was too late to turn back, I was committed, 20 miles.

Find your edge. 

The more I ran, the stronger I felt. My pace dropped, my fists clenched and I felt this goofy smirk shift across my face. 

"Tell me where the FIGHT is.." 

Where is your fight? We all have a fight in us. Use your fight for good. Use your fight to make a difference. 

We are so busy fighting with FEAR, fighting with insecurity, fighting with jealous and pain. 

We fight for all the wrong reasons. 

You want to know where my fight is? 

Its for ME. I am fighting to recover. I will NEVER be the old Anita. Cancer took her. And that is a fight I am not putting my energy towards. 

I am fighting for something new. Something beautiful. I am Fighting for Me. 

I can not fight for anyone else. I can not fight your battles. And I can't fight for you to understand me. 

You have to fight for YOU. Where is your Fight? Be careful what battles you are putting your energy into...Some fights are best never fought....

Kombucha, A MUST in my life. 70-80% of your immune system is located in your gut. They have done several studies on distance runners taking Kombucha and have found runners have less belly issues and less illness.  During my cancer I drank 3-4 of these a week, Synergy, another brand I enjoy has a great story:  

"In late 1994, GT’s mom, Laraine, was diagnosed with a highly aggressive form of breast cancer. When she healed, Laraine shared with doctors that she had been drinking a very pungent, homemade tea. That tea was GT’s Kombucha.

Inspired by his mom’s experience, it became GT’s mission to make his Kombucha accessible for everyone, everywhere. At only 15, he began bottling his brew in the kitchen of his parents’ Southern California home and became the first to put Kombucha on shelves in the U.S."

Anita

 2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight. I have completed the race. I have kept the faith." 

And then there is YOU...

                                              

There are a million things telling us, shouting at us, whispering to us we are not good enough, we aren't strong enough, we are not skilled enough, talented enough, smart enough, rich enough, let the list go on. 

Dialogue that wants to keep us alone, insecure, weak, scared and confused. 

But everyone else seem as though they are more..have more...understand more...

We look to the left.

We look to the right.

We look at illusions and misguided information and Pause.

We forget to press play and get stuck on stupid. 

"And then there was YOU..."

Press Play. 

You are enough. 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

You are what you say you are. 

The strongest woman in my life, the greatest inspiration to me was my Grandma. She lived to be 99.9 years old. Well under 5" tall and under 100lbs soaking wet she was not one to reckon with. Oh that woman, tough as nails, stoic, God fearing and Irish. She was fearless. She outlived all her siblings, her husband and 3 of her 4 children. She knew in her loneliness she was never alone. She knew she was ENOUGH. She was confident and strong. 

And that is what she taught me. 

Her spirit was tested by even the very ones that loved her.  She never wavered. Oh yes, it hurt but she stayed firm. Because she was CONFIDENT in the LORD. 

Her Identity was in HIM. 

Her Strength was in HIM.

Her Security was from HIM. 

When the pains of life wanted to hide her, dim her light, when they wanted her to feel insignificant, She was reminded "Then there was YOU.." And she stood confidently. If only to teach me through her testimony. 

As I step into 2021, I refuse to give in to anything less than greatness. I am amazing.

Not because I made myself that way. But because HE says I am. Because I had a woman speak into me. Speak into my brokenness, speak into my insecurity, speak into my loneliness. When I didn't know God, she spoke into me Godliness, teaching me, building me, preparing me. That is why...

I am going all in. 

I am going to work hard for everything incredible. 

I am going to keep dreaming. 

I am going to keep believing.

I am going to keep setting goals. 

I am going to keep loving, and smiling, and being kind. 

At 47, I am not giving up. 

This week has been an epic week. 

A week back to work and still finding balance to work out. 

Christa at work wanted to do a step challenge with Michelle. I interrupted asking if I could join. I felt like a little kid, "Can I, Can I pleeease play with you guys?!" 

I pulled out some poster board out of the back room and we made a calendar. I reassured them "Its accountability NOT competition."

Friday came and even though I was busy and booked at work I was NOT able to get my 10,000 steps in. I FAILED the first week! Just because you FAIL does not mean your a FAILURE. 

This week I ran 48 miles, biked 20 miles and hiked another 6 miles. 

I just kept trying. I got up early, I had a double run one day and stayed positive and motivated. 

I changed my mantra speaking inspiration into myself. 

I removed all negativity. 

I really stayed home all week trying to stay away from distractions.  

My amazing Sis in LOVE, Deb made me this shirt! I wore this tank and found myself so inspired. I biked 20 miles then jumped on the track for a progressive 4 mile run. As I finished my run, tears streamed down my face. I tried to hide my joyful tears as I was overcome with gratitude.  So grateful God is restoring me. 

"And then there was YOU..."

You are NOT what others say you are. 

You Define Yourself. 

You live your life, everyday with yourself. 

SPEAK LIFE into yourself. Speak kindness into yourself. 

Cut your losses. Remove the negativity. 

Don't hold yourself hostage to feelings that don't bring you life. 

Kayla, Melissa and I playing in the woods. 

Isaiah 43:18-19

"Do not remember past events, pay no attention to things of old. Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert." 

 2021. And then there was YOU. 

Its time to move FORWARD.  It's time to do things NEW again. Keep Dreaming. Keep Believing. 

Anita~

2020: A Year in Review

 So many struggled 2020. I was one of them, but no matter how rough it got, how bad I struggled physically, emotionally and even spiritually I just COULDN'T complain about 2020. 

Oh I am no saint, I was no delight to be around. All the masks, the opinions, the political chaos, the school closing, my sons senior year, me being out of work for 3 months and being ultimately everyone shut in, I just couldn't bring myself to get mad at the cards 2020 offered. 

Truth be told I had so much gratitude. I was CANCER FREE. Sadly, being cancer free did not dismiss me from a broken body, an injured heart, the death of my maw maw and uncle and life on life's terms. 

I had a lot to complain about but not about 2020. 

I have had far worse years. 

The year my father died when I was 11, my mother went into her addiction with a nose dive. All things UGLY. 

The year my mother died. Confusion, guilt, panic attacks and self destruct mode. 

So many many worse years. Years of total death. God always protected me from doing something permanent. I never understood. "WHY? WHY God, just take me..." 

But he never did. And today, I look back on another year, so grateful.  

2020, The year of ReCoverY.  2019 I fought for my life, for breath and a heartbeat. 

2020 I fought to pull all my pieces back together, physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.

Clinically: 

1. 20 rounds of radiation.
2. 15 weeks of physical therapy, torn meniscus and PF. 
3. 5 surgeries. 1 knee, 3 booby, 1 port removal
4. 20 Dr. appts. 

Running: 

1. 1600 running/walking miles
2. 500 biking miles

Races:

1. Snow Moon Trail-6.2M February
2. Winter Loops-10 miler. February
3. Earth Day Virtual-4.22 April
4. Yeti Challenge 50KVirtual-Month of April
5. Head Goat 50K Virtual-Month of May
6. Crim 10m Virtual-August
7. Bear Lake 53 Miles-October

Be Still and Know

2020 was the year for being still. As I patiently waited for my body to heal from cancer, chemo, radiation and life I had many days of sitting in silence. 

Be still and know:

1. I (God) am in control. Isaiah 55_8-9
2. I (God) gives and takes. Job 1:21
3. I (God) Restores and strengthens. Psalms 23:3
4. I (God) am your identity, your security should be in me. Col. 3:1-3
5. I (God) hear your broken heart. Psalm 147:3
6. I (God) will never leave you nor forsake you. Deut:31:8
7. I (God) will protect you and keep you. Psalm 121:7-8

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

There is beauty in everything God has created. He designs all things and upholds their purpose. I may not always understand why God allows for things to happen. Things that that cause pain, fear, and worry. However, I can trust that He has a beautiful purpose for it. I can see the beauty in a painful year. I can see so many blessings.

2020 Gratitude

1. Another year with my Sheba, my fur baby. 
2. A quarantined spring/summer with both my boys
3. To be able to pay my bills
4. To get my job back
5. For all those who blessed me, encouraged me and loved me. 
6. For a healthy family, none of us have gotten Covid by the grace of God. 
7. For Hair!! I have not had a haircut since May 2019! 

2020 offered a million reasons to throw in the towel. And many did. But many more did not. Here is to all those who didnt throw in the towel rather wiped off the sweat or tears with that towel and never quit. Just like when I got sick with Cancer I told Andy and all my family, "Do NOT let me make having Cancer an excuse for ANYTHING. No matter how sick, how tired, how scared, how much pain, DO not let me make it my excuse." 

NO EXCUSES. 

Never quit being Awesome. 

Never quit being Kind. 

Never quit Trying. 

Never quit Believing. 

Never quit Dreaming.

Never quit seeing the good in people. 

Never quit..........

Goodbye 2020, Thank you for our time together. We shared alot, we grieved a lot and we learned a lot.

Hello 2021, I anxiously await your blessings. 2020 prepared me, strengthened me, taught me and excited me for you!

Anita 

A Legacy of Love.

 "Full many a glorious morning I have seen." William Shakespeare

I have been working on this for a few days. But the snow really brought it together. 

Everything covered in billowing white snow. Fresh. So calming. Quiet and peaceful. 

I see myself just staring out looking for serenity. Looking for God to calm my spirit. 

Another Christmas of memories not forgotten. 

Memories that tears still rest heavy in my eyes, longing for another conversation, another touch, another moment together with those that have gone before me. 

To hold them one more time. 

I cling to a couple sentiments that represent those I love and miss so dearly, a letter, a bible, a photo to cling to. 

Christmas does this every year to me. SO much joy shared, laughter and moments of love built around the memories of those I miss terribly. 

My grandma and I are notes takers. I had a couple different legacies I could have followed. My Grandma LOVED the Lord with all her heart and soul. She was strong and kind. She loved words. I followed after my grandma, She held the bar I will never reach. I am always so inspired by her strength. She lived to be 99. She had so much loss but never a loss of Love. 

I have learned how to grieve well. How to cry silently. I have learned how to be capable but not comfortable in my grief. Confident in my heartache. 

But God it still hurts so much. All these years later. All these months later. All these weeks later. 

As equipped as I think I am spiritually I get taken out so unexpectedly by grief. I grab all the sweetest memories, I try to analyze and compartmentalize my grief and can't get a grip. 

We all grieve differently. Different isn't wrong. Some see joy where there is pain and some see pain where there was joy. Learning how to grieve is the hardest part. Do it gently to yourself and others. 

Reason #312 I run. 

To Run away from it. 

To Run to it.

To Run it through my head. 

To Run with it. 

To Breathe. To let it all settle it. 

"Come what may, I want to run." 2 Samuel 18:23

Christmas afternoon, Andy and I put on our new gear and headed out for a little run. I just tucked in behind him trying to keep up and not slip. I would fall back when the road got thick with snow trying not to fall. My body still weak from months of chemo over a year ago but my mind determined to keep close. I could hear my heavy breathing. I could also hear those voices I was running from. I tried so hard to not cry in fear the tears would freeze. "Keep Running Nita...just run...."

LAST NIGHT. 

I was texting my sis in love, Leeanne in Florida. I was trying to convince her to run a race with me. 

ME: Hey, Don't give up because your old! Cuz  your only 4 more years older than me!

Leeanne: Yes but your amazing and more dedicated!!

Me: No, I'm just stubborn and emotional!

I run to control the emotions. Reason #263

Rundown: 

My miles are down, maybe that's why my emotions are high! 

To all those struggling this Christmas, I know I am not the only one, I am sending you a hug. 

Love Conquers All. 

Anita

Pilgrimage.

 "And that's the way I connected to God, That's how He speaks to me. For some reason storms give me peace. Because I know He's in charge of it. So in the same way He's in charge of my natural storm, He's in charge of my spiritual storms, My emotional storms. The human condition. When I am broken, when I want to give up, I know He's there." Pastor John Gray

I struggled getting out the door today. Monday, a day there is never enough coffee, never enough time and never enough energy to get through my endless list of procrastinated chores and deeds.  The motivation to tackle everything is there, the intention is there but I keep interrupting myself leaving half done things scattered throughout the house. 

I NEED TO FOCUS. 

Get out the door. 

Hello Winter. 29 degrees and windy. Monday Runday. 

All alone in the woods, I decided to run silently. Unplugged. 

Even hidden in the tall trees, the wind cut through me.  I was void of ambition to dig deep. I planned to run 12 miles, however, 10 miles sounded good, maybe even 9...

"Just get through the first loop Nita." I coaxed myself. 

"You have no race your training for, just take it easy." I reminded myself I wasn't training for anything anymore. My 50K, Yankee Springs was cancelled. Cancelled of course the day I ran 21 miles. My luck!

Somewhere between mile 2 and 3 I came up with a plan. *Take the first loop easy, walk the hills, keep your heart rate down and then try to shave off some time on the second loop. No music the first loop, try to work some stuff out in your head, then the second loop, tune it all OUT with music. 

I took the first hour and 8 minutes just thinking.  As Pastor Gray spoke of the oneness with God in storms, I related to this as I maneuvered solely through the trails at Holly Rec. 

I went through my emotional storms that I have been battling. Listening to my reasonings, my aggravations, my justifications and the narrative that I spoke to myself. I dissected my thoughts, ultimately asking God to "Search me..." 

The miles seemed to come together quicker than my solutions to being a better person were. 

But as I followed that last mile in, I gave it all to God. I had peace that I had sought Him in the cold and windy storms I have been battling. 

I turned my music all the way up for that second loop. 

Psalm 84:5-7 "Blessed are those whose strength is on you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage." 

This was part of my morning devotion today. 

In the first loop, I was thinking of a half dozen ways to NOT run 2 of the 6 mile loops. 

But I knew I had to keep moving. This is what "pilgrimage" means. Journey. Trip. Mission. 

As bad as I wanted to quit, as fatigued as I felt, I knew I had to keep moving. 

It took everything I had to just keep moving. 

As I came unto a hill, "Pump your arms..." I spoke to myself  trying to convince myself I am stronger than I feel. 

As I picked up my pace, I felt my heart pumping hot blood through my veins. My cheeks began heating up and I could feel sweat forming along my neck. My music was loud that I saw deer, squirrels and birds scattering as I came down the icy trail. I smiled. 

It felt good knowing I didn't quit. It felt good knowing I was only as strong as I convinced myself. I felt good having a "come to Jesus" meeting to prepare me for the day. 

I felt good knowing I didn't solve all my issues but I had peace in them. 

Anita~

Rundown: 

I took 3 RECOVERY days this week. I worked 4 days this week. On my feet all day doesn't make good run days. 

I also cross trained Wednesday, only running 3 miles but biking 15 miles. 

TOTAL weekly miles: 54.6

I was super stoked I got these miles, I had a lot of big runs preparing myself for a race that got canceled. I wasn't too disappointed. After the injuries I have come out of, I am grateful to still be upright! 

Sun burns in December

 

One summer many moons ago I got a really bad sunburn. The kind of sunburn that you can hardly move, you feel like your skin is cracking. Clothes hurt, you can't sleep at night, even a shower feels like you are getting pelted with sand. Every day you expect it to get better only to have new symptoms. Your skin is so sensitive that it makes everything you do a struggle. 

That is what so many of us are all like these days. So many people are struggling. We are hurting from depression, isolation, they are hurting from finances, fear, and the list goes on. 

I am so grateful to be cancer free but the reality is life is like that sunburn. I am healing but I am still so sensitive. I am cancer free. But covid has not been a great environment to heal. 

The world is struggling themselves. I am struggling with this whole covid pandemic and I have all this stupid residual damage from my cancer. 

I asked Andy last week if it is possible for an extrovert to turn introvert? I find myself so emotionally sensitive these days that isolating has been my safest choice. 

I have paused painting rocks and started painting birdhouses, just as ridiculous. 

Running is the best therapy. Most of my runs these days are solo. Do you ever listen to your own narrative? 

What do your thoughts say? 

What do they say about others? 

What do they say about yourself? 

I want to enjoy people. I want to be carefree and transparent. I want laughter and love. 

But its a struggle. 

A struggle for all. 

"Thank You"

I went out for a 7 mile run Saturday. Easy solo run. Just a run to feel the crisp morning air. To turn the legs over and to smile as I counseled myself. 

I ran through downtown Holly pain free and grateful. I looked around at all the deflated Christmas decorations and laughed to myself at the similarities I shared with them. 

As I ran down Saginaw I saw my favorite white boxer being walked by his own, Franz. 

I always say "Hi". You see, Franz lost his only daughter in 2016, murdered on Fish Lake Road, running. Her murderer never found. I organized a run in her honor where I met Franz for the first time. "Ally" was his only child. 

Yesterday, I didn't just say "Hi", I stopped. I didn't even bother to stop my watch. I asked if I could pet his dog, Zeus. Franz cheerfully said yes and proceeded to tell me about his dog. He didn't recognize me all bundled up so I reintroduced myself. He shared his broken heart, explaining that Zeus was a rescue dog to help him and his wife with their grief, but the truth is their fur baby actually rescued them. 

I just listened. I looked at him, deeply, into his wounded heart. When it was safe I gently told him it is always great to see him and Zeus and he replied, "Thank you, thank you for talking with me." 

He just needed me to be present. To meet him where he was at. 

"Galatians 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." 

Loving one another. Loving the broken. Encouraging one another, edifying and supplying your gifts for building others up. 

Some days it is hard to do this, it is hard to give when you feel empty, you cant give from a empty cup. 

Ahh, but how our cup fills when we love others. 

Many of us are sensitive right now. It made me feel good knowing I made him feel good just by being present. 

RUNDOWN: 

Weekly miles: 46.25

Longest Run: 17 miles @ Highland Rec

Today I start my "Back to Back" run in preparation for January 2nd, Yankee Springs 50K. I had to really talk Andy into running with me. I needed company! 

Today 10 miles, tomorrow 20-22 miles, between 4-5 hours of running. I am curious to see how I do. 

A little nervous. Its a lot of time in my head! 

 Anita!

"Running has taught me to love my brain, my body, and what both can do for me when I use them wisely and appreciate them." Meggie Smith