The Slack Line.

"Who you hang out with determines what you dream about and what you collide with. And the collisions and the dreams lead to your changes. And the changes are what you become. Change the outcome by changing your circle." -Seth Godin

Sarah, Estella, Andrew, me, Celia, Rita and Amelia

I circle myself around DREAMERS.
Goal Setters.
Positive Influencers.
People of Faith.
People who love, have hope, and believe in beauty of all sorts.
I NEED this in my life. In sickness and in health I need these characters to remind me of who I am when I get lost, confused or beaten down..

I have been beaten down this last treatment. Wednesday was my death march, it was my last Carboplatin treatment and it was my worst.
It was the first time I almost called off work I was so sick.
"The hardest part is showing up" I told myself.
"Get up Nita, take a shower, just get up...."
All I did for 2 days was sleep and sweat. I couldn't stop sweating.  My appetite was minimal. I had to force myself to eat and drink.

Friday when I worked,  I couldn't get home fast enough. I just wanted to get back to bed. Courtney bought me a Verners, and that was all I could drink that didn't taste like metal.
I woke up to work on Saturday wondering why I still felt so slumped. I had hoped it would be a better day only it was no different than the days before it.
My skin was sticky from sweating all night. My urine smelled foul from all the chemo coming out of me, (I know, a lot of info...) I had not gone poo poo in 3 days so my belly was distended and bloated.
And I was just plain ugly to look at. 
I wanted to cry when I saw myself in the mirror. My skin was gray and lifeless. The wrinkles were deeper, wrapped around the dark circles my eyes carried. My eyes looked hollow, zombie like with no eyebrows to open them up. And my hair, as excited as I am to have it growing, it makes me look like I am sick with its patchiness and lack of color.

I came home from work Saturday and found myself back in bed. Depressed. Discouraged.
I kept telling myself, "YOUR DONE Anita! No more Carbo! And only 2 more treatments!"
I just had to feel this last bit harder, it was part of the process, OWN IT ANITA....Suck it up, it is part of the process.

SUNDAY: Women in the "D" 10K. 

I LOVE THIS PHOTO. I have looked at it a dozen times.  It represents so much to me. 

As I look at this pic I see so much VICTORY.
At the top of the steps...I HAVE MADE IT.
My Pink TUTU...Breast Cancer, it is around my waist, but it did NOT weigh me down, I carried it, it did not carry me.
Sarah's genuine laughter...Good friendships I have made along the way. Friendships that see you to the top, stay beside you and help you keep those dreams alive.
My medal...Me showing Sarah my medal, I was so proud of myself, I DID it. It took so much to run that 10k, I was so proud of myself.
My bandana...At the top of the stairs I reached up, tore my pink bandana off my bald head and threw it in the air with courage. I didn't have to hide underneath that bandana, letting insecurity own me.

The Tribe you Keep. Dreamers. 

Sarah invited me to run this race with her clan a few weeks ago. She bought us all pink TuTu's in honor of breast cancer. 

Saturday night I really had no idea how I was going to get up at 5:30am let alone run a 10k. 

The hardest part is GETTING UP. 

Get your ARSE out of bed ANITA! 

Slap some make up on your face so you look better. If you don't look good, you don't feel good. I told myself. 

Find you passion...I get to RUN. It didn't matter what it looked like, I just had to do it and know I would love doing it. 

Sarah's clan were all full of smiles. We met them at 7:30am on Belle Isle. I kept waiting for Sarah to head out with her friends but she never left me. 

She ran the whole race with me, laughing, chatting and poo-ing with me! Yep...We hit the bathrooms together both so excited to go poo, what a disappointment! 

A little after mile 1 I saw LACEY!

I WAS completely taken by surprise!

Lacey surprised me and showed up to cheer us on. 

I wanted so badly to be my normal ridiculously hyper self, and I did a pretty good job. I saw Joe B. out there snapping picks and yelling "MARCO" in our own special way. 

I did my best to laugh and cheer the other runners on. 

Sarah coached me with no excuses. She wouldn't let me pull the "Cancer Card" and whine. I loved it. 

"OH NO you can't..." she would laugh as I was thinking of another excuse to walk. 

NO EXCUSES

I finished that 10K. Many times I struggled to catch my breath. My heart was pounding through my ears, my body was sweating like a stuck pig...But I finished! 

Jeesh..for that matter the biggest victory was showing UP!

After the race Celia had a pavilion for us all. Sarah had brought a slack line. One of the gals that ran brought her daughter. Sarah set the slack line up between 2 trees, demonstrating how to use it. 

The lil gal with the biggest smile climbed up to walk across the slack line. 

She would get a few feet and fall, each time getting back up. With more confidence she stepped farther than she had stepped, walking about 5 feet when the slackline flipped catching her under the arm as she landed. She tried so hard to stay strong and not cry but we knew she was hurt. Tears began to well up in her eyes. Sarah was gentle to encourage her. Together we told her to not give up. 

We both know that pain can dictate your choices. It can rob you or it can motivate you. But was she too young to grasp the concept? Was the pain to much? 

Out of the corner of our eyes we saw her minutes later climbing back up the slack line. 

Sarah and I were choked up. 

I close with this. 

Whether it is cancer, or pain or you name it....You might have the greatest excuse, don't get in the habit of using it. 

Another reason I love my circle. They don't let me use excuses. 

We are all walking a slack line. Some of us get back up and try again. Some of us quit because we get discouraged or it hurts. 

Don't quit. Don't give up. 

Anita~

Your Grace is Sufficient

Ashely and I taking a selfie enjoying the beautiful sunrise. 

1 Cor. 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

One year ago, I was on a work trip in Lake Tahoe. I had hair. I had eyebrows.
I didn't know I had cancer.
6 months later I would get the news. Stage 2 Triple Negative breast cancer with BRCA 1.
My entire world changed.


Wednesday we came in like a roaring pack of hyenas into the chemo room. Mom made everyone her famous cookies. We laughed and chatted with everyone and Andy sweetly passed out cookies to all the patients and their family.
I actually knew 2 people there. I am pretty certain that they didn't know me. You look a lot different with no hair.
It is BAD chemo week. that's what I call it, they had to give me both Carbo and Taxol. I was there from 1-4:30.

Before I totally cashed out one of my favorite ladies had her LAST treatment! I had bought the Chemo room a black iron bell to ring when someone finishes chemo.  When you finish chemo it is a BIG deal. I can hardly wait. Andy just happened to overhear her say it was her last treatment. He jumped up and got the bell out of the box and walk to the center of the room. He held the bell high, with the sweetest smile she reached up and the bell was rang for the first time. Everyone clapped and cheered for her. It was so precious.

My numbers were not good. I squeaked by. I was frustrated. I thought they would be better. My hemoglobin dropped to a 9. My white count only raised from a .6 to a 1.2.
And now my body is going to take a greater hit with the Carboplatin.
I am feeling beat up. I am working harder at disguising it. Only now I am getting tired of trying to.
I am almost done.
I feel like the lil engine who could. "I think I can, I think I can..."
We left in a downpour. I was barely awake, droggy and lethargic.

MOM trying to figure out how she was going to get her car....ANDY!!

I was grateful I was able to get 6 miles in before chemo. And TRAIL miles with my friends. It has been a long time since I have gotten to play on our trails with them.

Holly Rec, Lake Loop. 

The Aftermath.
A rainy day makes a sick day more acceptable for me. And I was sick.
My body was slumped. My mind was foggy. My skin wouldn't stop sweating and I would get so scared because my breathing got so shallow. Once I woke up to Andy sticking a thermometer under my tongue and taking my pulse.

I was so sick all I could do was sleep, at one point I was so hot I slept on the floor. Sheba never left my side. 

And I sleep, hoping when I wake up I will feel better. I woke up at 3:30 am. I tossed and turned, finally getting out of bed at 6:20am.
I thought I felt good.
Good enough to do my morning routines.
I even got the kayak out to meet some friends. 30 minutes into paddling I was feeling green.
I wanted to stay and play but I thought I was going to toss my cookies, only I hadn't eaten anything. It occurred to me that I had been sick but I wanted to play so bad I had denied my nausea.
I found a tree when we returned and my body just dry heaved. I just wanted to get home.
My brother called me on my way home and I felt the tears billowing from my eyes. I felt so weak. My throat was lumped as I felt anger rising, "Get a hold of yourself Anita,"
I made it through the day.
I didn't dust, vacuum, or clean. I slept. My body was and is exhausted, tired, sick and hot.
Last week I ran 14 miles, I cleaned, I redecorated, everything was completely different.
And just like that...….Here I am.


Ashley sent me the opening photo this evening. The photo represented for me just a daily reminder of how precious life is.
In one year EVERYTHING changed for me.
In the last 6 months I have had to find a new normal.

I have had to 

• Practice finding the silver lining in ALL things. 
• Finding gratitude daily, no matter what.
• Being thankful for the little things.
• Not letting Cancer direct, correct or disconnect me. 
• Hold onto my passions, my dreams, my hopes. 
• Believe that God is using me, He equipped me for this fight, I am honored to be His soldier, to fight the good fight in His honor, Glorifying Him every mile. 

Yes, oh that last one is everything.  

 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Ahh, yes. I can not complain. I have felt His power in my weakness. He has granted me my dreams, He has put a spirit in me that I have never felt, strength, acceptance, perseverance, hope....

He has supplied me with LOVE like I have NEVER felt. I am brought to my knees daily with the outpouring of LOVE , kindness and generosity. 

I feel so unworthy of all His grace and mercy. 

If I can advertise anything to you...Read those bullet points AGAIN..If you are in a valley they will bring you to the mountain tops. 

Its a daily practice. 

But He has given me BREATH to BREATHE...And with it in my gratitude I will continue to praise HIM. 

Special thanks to Claudia for an amazing dinner.

Sweet potato and black bean burritos, incredible. I was so sick, it was such a HUGE blessing to me and my family. She also made us tater tots and sloppy joes, Alecs favorite. 

Ruth G. made Andy her famous Lemon pie...Not a crumb left there either! 

I have soo many more thank you's I am just so tired. 

Anita~

Organically

Not everyday is sunshine and rainbows.
or is it rainbows and unicorns?
Peachy keen and Jim Dandy?

Well whatever the case, I am going to chalk it up to a Monday.
My morning was a bit of a cluster and I can't say I ever recovered from it.

I thought I could run and it would make it better.
Not just run but really RUN. Not the cancer cautious runs I have been doing. The kind of run where you aren't afraid to hurt. Your goal is to step out of your comfort zone, push the limits and see what you have.
Well, I don't have a lot these days but I gave all I had on E. Holly Rd.

Distance: 6 miles
Pace: 8:35

This was after yesterdays long run:

Distance:; 19 miles
Pace: 10:23min/mi

"Edibles, CBD oil, the Real Stuff" :
Today my PA recommended these, all three.
For the last couple weeks I have had constant anxiety. My chest is heavy, its hard to breathe, my heart races and I can't sleep.
I believe this has a lot to do with the suppressing of my estrogen from the chemo.
I have had weekly recommendations for taking one or all three of these.

"....I lost both my parents to addiction, this just isn't an option for me...." I responded to her.

I have CANCER...I can accept being a little uncomfortable, a little sleepless, a little nauseous over taking anything to do with Marijuana, or THC.

I am not going to judge you, do as you please.

God has protected me, supplied for me, and is healing me.
I know this journey is not forever.
I watched what drugs did to my family, prescribed and not prescribed.

We have become so desensitized by this whole THC movement. Eating an edible or smoking a joint is still a mood altering substance. I don't care if it is legal.
I don't want my children doing it, I didn't want my mom and dad doing it and I am not doing it.  I want to be a testimony. I am haunted by terrible memories from it as a child, and having cancer is still not a big enough reason for me to start now.

1 Cor. 10:23 "All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify."

I know that I have probably offended half my readers out there. That was not my intention. What you do is your business.
I am 45 years old, I am not a kid anymore.

1st Cor 13:11 "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things." 

Life has so much adventure. I don't have to get high to enjoy it.  I like feeling. Not every feeling is good, but I want to feel life organically. Naturally.

I facilitate an addiction group. I have done this for over 13 years. I love on the families that have loved ones addicted to drugs or alcohol.
TRUST me when I tell you, I have held and wiped the tears from MANY loved ones whose loved ones were struggling with marijuana.
Just because I don't use or drink does not mean I am a DUD. I promise you I can hang just as long if not longer that most of you!

This is me. I just want you to know as for me, I choose not to use anything.
I choose Prayers.
I choose God to strengthen me, to encourage me, to soften my symptoms.
I choose Hope.
I choose Faith.
And I believe without a shadow of a doubt, God has supplied me with way more than a brownie coud ever do.
And if you have been following my posts, you know that to be true.

These are the things that I get so excited over. The simplicity of bees on a windflower. The lil things. 

Anita


 

Can't outrun it.

A run doesn't make everything better, I know...Because I tried.
I ran till I broke.
I ran hard.
I ran breathless.
I ran sore.
I ran exhausted.
And then I kept running.
Everything hurt..but I was still the same as when I left.

Still emotional.
Still angry.
Still a barrage of emotions that I couldn't label.

I couldn't shake it.
I couldn't out run in.
I  couldn't run through it.
And I couldn't run it out of me.

Grief.
I miss running the trails.
I could just go out to the trails and feel one with my surroundings. Everything always folded away.

Life with all its emotions and insecurities. With all its fears interrupts, taking this too away from me.
I looked forward for days for weeks to run quietly on the trails.
And in just seconds it is taken from me.
Grief.

I tried to run hard enough that the physical pain would overcompensate my loss.
I tried to run hard enough so I was numb of emotions.
But grief only collected more emotions.

The moments when you just want to be alone. For everyone's sake it is just better.

Nita.

Perfectly imperfect

I was so excited I had my sign upside down!

Wednesday Chemo I was a Rockstar! I did something I have never done before.
I stayed AWAKE! I have never stayed awake. I have tried so hard but it is a losing battle with the Benadryl.
Mom brought me Starbucks, a drink named "The Pink Drink", how appropriate. It is a strawberry drink made with coconut milk, delicious. I sipped my drink and played cards with her and Andy waiting to cash out. But April slowed my Benadryl down and what a difference it made, I was awake enough to beat everyone at Play Nine!

My energy levels were spiked. Even though I had toxic belly I got home ready to tackle some jobs that have been slacking.
I rearranged the living room, getting my fall décor out.
I made tacos with fried pads (My families favorite).
And I made a carrot cake from scratch, frosting as well.

The problem with all that energy is I NEVER SLEPT ALL NIGHT. I am still awake from getting up yesterday at 6:30am.
I read a 100 pages throughout the night, played games on my phone, prayed, and desperately tried not to think too much.
My stomach looked like I was in my third trimester. My legs were twitching like a crack head so I had to sleep in the spare room. I was afraid to wake up Andy, he is in his own misery, he is suffering from the Man Flu! Poor Baby!

Can we chat freely?
Can I share openly?

I didn't RUN yesterday. This too is a first. I have ran before EVERY Chemo treatment.
RUNNING IS MY PASSION.
It gives my normalcy. Gives me life. It allows me to breath when cancer wants to take my breath.
When I am angry, I need to run.
When I am sad I need to run.
When I am confused I need to run.

Cancer is my morning, noon and night. I wake up sometimes in a fog, confused how I got here, such a horrible nightmare.
I let the hot shower splash off my bald head as I soap my body and cringe as my hands go over my port and I want to throw up.
My skin is slick, hairless.
My skin is transparent, colorless.
I struggle to recognize myself in the mirror.

Hebrews 12:1 "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.."

SO I RUN. Some of you don't get it, that's OK.
It gives me LIFE. When this life has gotten so dark it gives me light.
It doesn't make sense to some, but it gives me another gear, gives me Hope, gives me Power over this hell.

Let me RUN. Be Happy for me.

It is one thing to live with Cancer and the daily fears of my future.
But then life collides. The pains of the daily roles of living. The drama of everyday living.
Double Wammy.

God has giving me this passion. I have fought this cancer BECAUSE of MY RUNNING.
I hear every week, "Anita, whatever you are doing, KEEP DOING IT, it is working!"
This week at I was getting my blood draw and my nurse says to me "You have inspired me....I started running intervals. I thought of you out there running with cancer and thought, if she can do this I can try..."
I have had many reach out to me encouraged and inspired. Just by doing what I love.

The Running Community has reached out to me like family. I have felt so much love and compassion.

Running might be the only thing I do all day. It may exhaust me and it does, but it takes me out of a dark pit that wants to emotionally sabotage me.

Today, I met Danielle at Kensington. The coach coached the coach. She pushed me gently. Encouraged me up the hills. I ran the whole 8 mile course! And according to her Garmin we ran a sub 9min/mi. I was stoked! She spoiled me with dinner and cookies!

My Garmin pace wasn't accurate, I had a walk included and turned it off before the 9. It was 8 miles at a sub 9min/mi and about a miles walk. 

On my way home I took my girlfriend Hollys advice and made a massage appointment in hopes it would relax me. I needed to sleep!

It didn't work. I did rest all afternoon so I would be ready to run with Andy at Complete Runner. I have really been having fun going up there.
Another 5 miles at a 9min/mi.
I was all gooey with my accomplishments.
14miles total today. Take that Cancer!

I GAINED  MORE WEIGHT! I am up to 6lbs. I think it is all in my butt and belly! It would be a cruel joke if that weight went to my boobies and they are about to get lobbed off! 

My hemoglobin dropped to 10.5. Not too bad.  

And my hair is coming in on my head, like a fuzzy chick! 

 I am learning that I can't worry about what I can't control. At the end of the day all I can control is my attitude towards people and situations. I can control my effort, my heart and my focus every day. 

Keep being the best you no matter the where you are at in life. 

Anita

A Light at the End.

Not everyday is a day that I feel good. So when I do feel good I like to embrace it and make the most of it.
I like to try to keep as much normalcy as I can with this cancer. I have adjusted to doing the things I enjoy whether I feel good or bad.
It took me over a week to recover from the carboplatin I received 2 weeks ago. I should have felt better getting Taxol last Wednesday but my body just didn't bounce back as quick as I had hoped.
Wednesday, I was able to run 5 miles and walk another 2 miles. I met Danielle at Clover beach and had so much fun catching up.

Thursday evening, Andy and I went to Complete Runner where Antonio paced a group of us. I was able to keep up and run the whole 5 miles without stopping. I was so excited.

But the real arse kicker was working Friday and Saturday, all day.
I whined a little about getting tired Saturday when Michelle quickly responded "Hey girl, I don't want to hear it, if you can run a 50k you can work!"
I laughed, "Yep, your right."
But I was so exhausted.

I am currently training for my last big race of the year, Marine Corp Marathon.
I still needed a long run for the week.
Sunday night,  a group of us paced Kris and I was able to get 16 miles in.
I have been able to run. I run tired. I run bloated and thick, I run with walk breaks, but I run.
Not every mile looks like the one before it.
Not every mile is pretty or fun but I do  the best where I am at. The key for me is not letting cancer win.
The pain of not doing what I love because I am sick compared to the being a little uncomfortable and doing what I love is is just not worth it. I would rather do is sick than not do what I love at all.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel
"Alec, I am having a good day, I just want to make the best of it...."
A family kayaking trip from Holly to Fenton was not exactly a scene out of the Beaver Cleavers.
Alec was not happy and wanted me to know about it for 3 hours of kayaking.
I was sooo happy, 7 miles down the Shiawassee River, my heart was tickled pink.
However, when the black clouds started rolling in I knew play time was over. The thunder rolled off in the distance and Alec found a second wind, paddling faster.
We were lost, exhausted and very wet when we finally found the end.
So many times we thought we were almost there.....

I thought to myself. 4 more treatment to go. I see the light at the end of the tunnel but I feel like I am still in the storm.
I know the end is near, I just don't have a definitive  date. I have so many unknowns still.
I want to get excited because the end is close, only this journey doesn't end with chemo.

I like to think of the Light though.
Thinking on the things that are positive. Reminding myself of how far I have come and how much I have accomplished.

John 1:5 "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

Special Thanks to Danielle for a beautiful meal. 
Holly P. for always spoiling me with Tropical smoothie, about the only thing that settles my belly. 
Antonio R. for blessing me this week with encouraging words. 
Kimberly P. for alwasy bringing me in lunch when she gets her hair done with me. She is such a great cook.
Debbie C. for a fun lunch date at the Flint Crepe Company. 
Holly P. for the incredible oatmeal. SOO good! 
Kathy G. for the fun Tank top. 
Joyce K. for blessing me when I was down. She had no idea that I had a really rough moment when she placed a beautiful bracelet on my arm. 

My Cards, so many beautiful cards and words of support and encouragement. THANK YOU. 

Anita

A Demon called Cancer.

The days get dark, colliding into one another. 

The pain spreads in all places

I reach out.

I crawl out. 

It hurts. 

I fight this demon called Cancer. 

He is Ruthless. 

Evil.

A Tyrant. 

He wants my dreams.

He wants my sleep.

He wants my tomorrows. 

He wants my joys.

He wants my days. 

He wants my motherhood. 

He wants my peace.

He wants my marriage. 

He wants breath. 

I reach out.

I crawl out. 

It hurts. 

I crawled out today.

I crawled out to smell the flowers. 

I crawled out to feel the breeze against my skin.

I crawled out to taste, if only it was sweet. 

I crawled out to touch the blades of grass in my fingers. 

I crawled out to love, the sweetness of love. 

For that Smile, For Hope, For Laughter, For the sun hugging me close...I reach out.
Today, I reached out after a really hard weekend.
The hours seem to never end when you are hurting. Food tasted like metal. I couldn't drink anything, it all tasted so foul. I forced myself to eat, picking at food.
My body was weak. My heart raced, palpitating without rhythm. Bloated, thick, full of chemicals. Sweating, so much sweating.
Exhausted yet sleepless.

Today, I did the BEST I could. I so wanted to run. I also wanted to stay in bed.
I called a friend to help me.
I got 12 miles in, mostly walking. So grateful for each mile.  I did WHAT I COULD. I was able to embrace "The Lil Things" in a BIG way.
Grateful for what I COULD do, letting go of what I couldn't do.

"WEEEEEE" I think I tinkled a lil bit! 

The idea is to do the best you can. Don't give up. Don't let that demon have you. Keep Fighting.

Anita~

2Timothy 1:7 "For I know the plans for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you hope and a future."