Forgiveness and Mercy

Last Weeks Mileage: 41 miles.
Trail Miles: 17 miles
Glass City: 104 days, 14 weeks. minus a day.

RUNDOWN:
Distance: 13.1 miles
Pace: 9:43
Plan: Meet up the MaryAnn, Jama, Claudia, Erin Andy and Ken. I was gonna get some extra miles in and run to them, doing their 8 miles with them. I was hoping for an very easy 13-14 mile run.
According to the text thread I  should be meeting up with them around Quick road and Seven Lakes. I planned my time and my pace perfectly, so I thought. I passed Seven Lakes, then I crossed over Grange Hall. I texted them and told them of my wear about, they should be coming.
It was so cold. I had multiple layers on and hand warmers in my gloves. My chin was half covered from my buff, however my chin still felt like it was frozen SOLID. I lubed my face up to prevent chapping but it all felt raw. Snot was dripping like a faucet. I picked up the pace in fear I was not gonna find them. With my right hand, I plugged my nostril to blow out the perfect snot rocket. In one swift motion snot blasted out and I suddenly was warmed with another explosion. At first the warm liquid was very inviting until I realized I just emptied my bladder down my leg! I had to keep running because if this froze it was not going to be pretty.
I headed up a big hill right before Academy rd. "It sure would be great if they came down the hill NOW so I didn't have to run up this." I winced. But instead I got to the top and rather than seeing the crew I saw Jeff! Jeff was waiting there for me. We chatted for a few minutes. I told him the plan and made a little joke, "I think they LEFT me, I should have already come unto them."
He is so sweet "Well, if you need a ride home, just come on over to the house."
I waved goodbye and told him I would see him Wednesday.
I headed towards Academy road still with no signs of the crew. As I made the right hand turn, I saw a BIG group of runners turn RIGHT unto Academy. They should have been turning LEFT.
"Where are they going?" I thought. They were about a half a mile ahead of me. I picked up the pace only to get more frusterated when they made another right hand turn into the downtown area. I couldn't close the gap enough to see which side roads they were taking.
I was getting so upset. I was running as hard as I could with 5 miles already in and they were no where near the meeting spot.
Desperately, trying to figure out where they were going and what my plan was. I just kept running towards where I thought they were. I did a couple loops and turn arounds. I then just decided to run my own thing. I was sweating, exhausted and not having any fun.
It was about then I saw a big colorful group through the trees crossing Grange hall road. I knew exactly where they were heading. I had no energy to pick it up. But I did anyway.
"Slow and Steady Anita, if you catch up, you catch up and if you don't, you don't. BUT if you DO...FORGIVE me for what I am going to say!"
I caught up.
They turned around about a quarter of a mile in a subdivision, seeing me they waved and headed towards me. My Irish Mexican temper was burning.
"HI ANITA!! We saw you waving at us....."
Out of breath and feisty I replied "You were waving, I was NOT waving at you I was flipping you all off!"
In frustration, exhaustion, aggravation, confusion and probably a little PMS I LOST my TESTAMONY.
It took about a good mile to chill out and start laughing about the miscommunication in our route. It was really fun to run with the gang. We were quite the crew running in 14' degree weather.
When we arrived back at Jamas, I asked the girls to forgive me. They too apologized for the unclear route. It was no ones fault just miscommunication. It was a great run, I ran harder than I planned but that too was good. And I ran too hard to ever get cold. I was actually sweating.
FORGIVENESS and MERCY...

Ken, Andy, MaryAnn, Erin, Jama, Claudia

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Mathew 6:14

A LITTLE PIECE OF ME:
Kens wife declared that 2017 was going to be the year of FORGIVENESS and MERCY.

These words get mentioned at least once a week by Ken.
But honestly, these words have resonated with me.

So when I woke up this morning sobbing in my dream, I instantly thought of FORGIVENESS and MERCY.

My Uncle Danny was sharing some of his journals with me. Together, we sat on the cluttered floor in his bedroom. The floor was cold and hard but I barely noticed due to the unusual character of my uncle. He was sober, kind, quiet, peaceful and vulnerable. It was just him and I. He handed me a hard covered journal. "Anita, this is my running log..." I opened it up and discovered a very meticulous running log filled with notes, miles, paces and races. It was written in pencil, the lines and the numbers were precise. As I looked at it I discovered what talent my uncle had had. I discovered he had a passion and a gift.
"Uncle Danny...." I was now crying. I didn't know how to say it, I was scared to say it. I knew what he was capable of. But I said it anyway.
"Uncle Danny, you RAN?? You were so talented. You were amazing what happened?"
I don't know if he ever responded. I was afraid he might raise his voice at me, cuss at me or even hurt me, I backed away in fear.
My mind was spinning. HOW?? WHY? How could this man with all this passion let it go for addiction. He had the world in his hands. He was happy, he had passion, zeal..WHY GOD?? I wanted him to know how amazing he was. I wanted him to FORGIVE himself. I wanted him to know I FORGAVE HIM. I BELIEVED in him. I didn't hold a grudge for all the hurt he caused in my life. I wanted so bad to LOVE on him. I wanted him to know I LOVED HIM.
Then out of the corner of my eye I saw an Angel. The most amazing lady of my life. She was standing in the mirror with those hazel eyes and that flirty grin looking at me, grandma.
I knew it was all a dream but I couldn't figure anything out. I wanted to touch my grandma, laugh with her. I cried and cried. I couldn't breathe, my chest was so heavy and tight. I wanted this dream to be real, it felt real but it was too good to be true. Deep down beneath the realms of reality I knew it was just a dream. I cried harder.

"Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." Luke 6:26

I awoke to Andy rubbing my back. "Did he know I had been sobbing?" 7:24 am.

I got up and made coffee. I walked into the family room with my coffee and a throw. Curled up on the recliner I was overcome with peace. I knew that it was GOD that had softened my heart years ago against my uncle. My dream was affirmation that I did LOVE him and I had FORGIVEN him years ago.
My uncle did some terrible terrible things to us growing up. His Irish temper had no gauge. I witnessed things no child should ever have seen. And many would NEVER forgive. It is honestly God who has softened my heart and opened my eyes to see a man not an addict.
This dream was a GIFT from God. I was reminded that Addiction hijacks passions, talents, dreams, relationships. But my uncle sat there with me, transparent, emptied, broken and I LOVED HIM. Truly LOVED HIM. He looked at me seeking MERCY. I wanted him to know I gave it to him a long time ago.

Anita

A good Attitude.

8 hours sleep, the first nights sleep I have gotten in 5 days! I have been averaging 4 hours a night, that is NO BUENO!
Today was that day that required my full attention, full throttle. My good nights sleep was the gift that kept on giving.

I was up and rolling at 6am. Kids are back to school, routines are not missing a beat and life doesn't wait for you to catch your breath.

Jeff was meeting me at Genesys at 7am. Only he was going to be waiting. Austin's car broke down and I had to drive him to school. The earliest I was able to drop him off was 7:05.

I spotted Jeff on the gym floor at 7:35am. He gave me a lot of grace. Without many words he pointed to the bar for me to start doing my hanging abs pulls.

Jeff has been laying out his plan and I have attached to it like it's my own.
Today was TM miles, progressive run. Then hit the track for strides.
The TM was not giving me as much grace as Old Jeffrey did. It was a very agonizing run. I enjoyed listening to the rhythm of our feet turning over on the TM. Even though we were running different paces it appeared that we were planting our feet in sync.
Jeff did his number punching thing, slowly picking up the pace. I couldn't let him have all the fun, I went tit for tat picking up the pace along with him.
I turned to my right at Jeff. "LEFT, LEFT, LEFT..." He knew I was listening to our feet.
"Jeff, No music for you?" I added. I had my ear buds wrapped inside my shorts but was not listening to any music at that moment.
With a smirk Jeff responded " No, I don't listen to music, I listen to the rhythm of my feet."
Not surprised by his answer I respond "UGH, that would suck."
"So I am sure those trail runners of your don't listen to music either, aren't they purists?"
Laughing I respond, "No, no they don't either, WHATEVER, and they don't wear TUTU'S at races either!"
At that point, I was rather comfortable, easy peasy conversational pace. But the closer I approached mile 5 the faster Jeff was increasing the pace. Jeff was a mile behind me, he increases his speed every lap.
I was running a sub 8min/mi. I was sweating, breathing heavy, and still had at least a mile to go. Looking at how much farther I had to go is what really made me sweat. But then looking over at Jeff reminded me to SUCK IT UP and PICK IT UP.
Jeff said something to me, I responded but I really didn't want the conversation to move farther than my feet were.
"JEFF! Forget that PURIST crap, I gotta put my music in my ears, I am dying!"
We both finished around the same time. He had 4 miles and I had 5.85 miles.
BUT we were not done yet.

STRIDES.

Strides are about 100m accelerations where you run about 95% of your max speed, and then gradually slow to a stop.

We headed through the big double glass doors to the track.
We were going to run strides on the straight ways, roughly 100m.
Strides are great for turn leg turn over. The last time I ran them with Jeff, he threw his back out. I did not want him to get injured on my watch.
We came around the curve and without warning Jeff took off.
I ran next to him and quickly decided I had to run my own strides.
I LOVE strides. They are quick, fast, and give you just a quick taste of torture without leaving the taste of vomit in your mouth.
You feel exhilarated when you are finished. It is a manageable torment.

WHY RUN STRIDES?

• They are quick and can be done within just a few minutes after a workout.
• Strides help improve your training.
• If done after a long run they help loosen you up.
• Strides are a great transition to increasing your speed training

As Jeff and I finished our 4th stride he reminds me that "You should still be able to talk...." I was laughing and responded "Does laugh count?" He said that counted!

As we finished on the opposite side of the track, we were chatting with ease I suggested we do 1 MORE... I jumped in front of him kicking my legs in the air. I danced around him "COME on Jeff, COME on, Can we, Can we PLEASE..One more...."

That last stride would give me 7 miles, he rolled his eyes laughing at my ridiculousness.  But as we made that last turn Jeff  picked it up and took off on me. ONE MORE BABY! He is was easy. Glutton for punishment. Pain in more fun with company.

My thoughts.
As the days move forward, without our consent, so do the struggles and hardships of this broken world.
I had a few curve balls thrown at me today. I found myself a little mouthy to a cashier just doing her job. It wasn't her fault my license was expired and she couldn't take my money. It was my fault.
Have you ever heard yourself outside of yourself? I sure did today. God really gave me grace and mercy with MY mistakes today. I didn't deserve it. But I decided after hearing myself I was not going to behave like that anymore.
So I was tested once again...over 2 hours at the Secretary of State. Then the computers literally ALL froze as I was at the counter getting ready to write my check.
IT IS WHAT IT IS.
I smiled and laughed with the worker. Then I found myself laughing and joking with random strangers. All the workers were then smiling and making jokes with all of us patiently waiting. My cashier kindly says "If you want to go sit back down and wait I will call you by name when the computers come back up." She was probably trying to get rid of me!
I sat down chatting with those around me. "This reminds me of a roller coaster ride, just when you get to the front of the line the whole ride shuts down." I chuckled. Then one of the workers responded smiling "Or more like it breaks down when you are upside down already on the ride!"
About 20 minutes, very loud I hear "ANITA!!"
Laughing, those waiting start clapping. Playing into it all I  say "ANITA! Come ON DOWN YOUR THE NEXT CONTESTANT at the Secretary of State!"  I am now giggling even louder. My casheir was  struggling to cash me out she was having so much fun as well.

A good ATTITUDE makes all the difference. My day was scattered with unfortunate events. But until I decided I was going to grin and bear it, it really didn't seem so bad at all!

A good attitude changes your perspective on situations, it also encourages others that might be struggling in the Happy Dept.

Anita

Somewhere between Reflections and Resolutions

Reflection 2016.

"For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice.” — T.S. Eliot

Cloudsplitter 100k

• Ran my first 100k, Cloudsplitter. One of the hardest things I have ever accomplished.
• Started running with new people, Ken, Matt, Kris and Rachel. All trail runners. This crew is very encouraging and supportive, constantly raising the bar.
• I ran the most trail miles ever. This allowed me to get more comfortable on the trails by myself. I was always too scared to run on them alone. Such a wuss. Guilty of jumping from my own shadow.
• 2016 invited a new me, a more independent me. The older my children have gotten the less they want to hang out with me. I put myself on hold for my family, and wouldn't change a thing. But it has been a bit heartbreaking not being needed as much. My boys are independent and don't want mommy coddling them anymore. I have embraced my friendships this past year. I did a lot more adulting.
• I had a couple interpersonal epiphanies. 1. I am done entertaining relationships that are never going to work. 2. Learning to love myself. I don't love everything about myself because I am still a hot mess, but I give myself a little more grace. 3. I have learned to let people go. You can  not convince people to love you, like you or accept you, if you are working that hard then you need to ask yourself WHY?. 4. I am done trying to have people fill a void in me that was never meant for them to fill. It is not fair to them or me. Only God can fill that void. (EXPECTATIONS ARE PREMATURE RESENTMENTS.)

Resolution 2017.

"And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been."

Rainer Maria Rilke

This is a tough one. I have not really thought much about this.

• Run my first 100M without dying or getting eaten by bears.
• Try and qualify for Boston with Lacey for 2018.
• Enjoy more sunsets and sunrises.
• Read more scripture and do my devotional more religiously.
• DON'T GET INURED!

Lets get up to Date:

December Miles: 144

Total Miles for 2016: 2

Ran a lot of miles this past year with Lacey.

December 31: New Years Resolution 5K. 

I picked Lacey up at 23 and Hill rd. I was cracking up as she jumped in my car with all this New Year paraphernalia. I put the silver  NEW YEAR head band on instantly over my pink hat. We were both wired and ridiculous.

We met so many people up in Flint. Ken H. was waiting for us and had picked my bib up for me. I was especially looking for Jeff. I was stoked when he actually committed to racing this. Lacey was looking for Melissa and her husband. And we kept seeing people we knew in between.

My plan was to run moderately, have fun and not throw up.

Lacey was bandit running it. She was gonna stay with me. Minutes before the start we were chatting with Ken and I realized I was overdressed. Like lightning Ken took my pullover and ran it to his car right by the stating line. But we lost him. When the gun went off or whatever they did to commission us to go we went. Lacey and I were looking for Ken. Ken crushed me the last time we ran this together. I was hoping I could stay with him a bit. Lacey spotted him abut 50 feet ahead of us. We slowly caught up to him. Lacey was really pulling me along. I felt great. Surprising good considering I had just taken off high heels less than an hour before the race. I had worked the last 2 days in heels and overbooked. But my legs were forgiving. We stayed with Ken for 2 miles, I wanted to go. So we went.

Lacey kept looking at our pace. "Anita, what are you doing? Hold back." I let Lacey keep an eye on my pace. I decided I wanted to run a sub 8 minute mile.

At mile 3, "Nita, I thought this was a fun run, if you want to go, let me know." Breathing heavy I replied "NO, I am dying, I just gotta stay under 8..." I still felt good but held back enjoying breathing.

I passed one of my XC kids and we actually stayed with her for a couple minutes in hopes we could pace her. When it was evident she was struggling we picked it up. "Keep your Eye ON ME..." I yelled back as we moved on.

I think Lacey was surprised I was moving at the pace I was running. I think even I had surprised myself. But it really felt good. The last mile I started to pick it up more until I saw a big stinking hill.

"Anita, you are running a 7:30min/mi, you can drop it back a bit up the hill and you will be fine." Lacey encouraged me.

Up the hill, I caught my breath and picked it back up. I could see the finish line, downhill. Lacey was falling behind, "Anita, you gotta turn them over, NOW." I was scared it was too soon. She screamed at me from behind "NOW! GOOO TURN IT OVER, Go GOOOO" I looked at the two runners in front of me and did everything to close the gap. I could still hear Lacey "GO NITA, GOOO!" I love that girl.

I also love a downhill finish.

Results:

Time: 39:04

Pace 7:52

Division: 1st place in my age group.

NEW YEARS DAY.

No one to run with. I decided since it was 2017 I needed to start the new year off with 17 miles.

It made perfect sense.

This was going to be quite the bump from my last long run that consisted of 14 miles.

This is how I did it:

I added walk breaks to bring my pace down. I made sure I was drinking my water and chomping on the sports beans that Kris gave me. The walk breaks give me something to run towards and stretches out my legs. Interval training is good injury prevention. I needed to play it safe and not let my ego interrupt intelligence.

I wanted to hold a 10 min/mi. However, even with walk breaks I still ended up with a 9:30pace. I am not sure where that came from but I was pleased and exhausted the rest of the day.

Holly Rec Trails.

Today, I had no idea how my legs were going to feel. But they were still in working order.

I met Ken and Matt for 6 miles on some icy trails. Not enough snow for my new Kahtoola's and my Yak Trax were more of a hassle than anything.

But it was fun. Matt took a spill in front of me. But he was up and at it without blinking an eye. The weather was beautiful. 43' degrees when we finished. We were all sweating.

Glad we ran when we did, the day got gloomier and gloomier.

Between falling asleep somewhere after 2am and all that running, I accidently nodded off today. It was a welcomed nap.

My oldest son got a new Canon Rebel T6 for Christmas, He snapped this. Weird to see your profile pic.I  am seeing all 43 years sneaking on me.

Closing. Another year, another opportunity to try to get it together a little more. I have gotten better in many ways but I am slacking in other ways. Some times I wonder if I have the energy to keep working at it. But I know, I NEED to keep pressing on. There are things in my life I know I don't have the energy to work on, and most of those things the time has expired long ago to LET IT GO. Time to put some things to bed for 2017.

And right now, I am that thing that needs to go to bed!

Anita~

Christmans running gifts...one small problem.

Christmas this year held a couple surprises.

The first surprise was the Kahtoola micro spikes Andy got me.

Ken and Matt are always talking about theirs. I just run in their shadows trying to hang with the big dogs. I am such a sidekick. They keep asking me when I am getting these spike for trail running in the winter. Andy found a FB thread where I was chatting with someone about not being able to run on the trails because I didn't have the proper spikes. His sleuthing discovered I wanted these Kahtoolas. When I opened the box I was shocked. I also was scared, because I have no more excuses for not running on the trails other than being a big baby.

Andy bought me a new winter Nike thermal running shirt. It is always nice to get new thermal clothing. Winter clothing only lasts about 2 seasons, once they begin to get stinky it is really hard to get the funk out.

And the headband, the coolest thing ever! That was a gift from Kris. She got matching ones for Rachel, her and I.

But yes, there is another gift I have not mentioned. I have not mentioned it to anyone until today. This morning I met Kris and Ken out at Holly Rec to run the trails. We were all talking about our race schedules for next year. It was the perfect segue.

"So Andy got me another surprise Ultra gift...."

Greenback, TN.

Firewater Ultra

10/21/17

One small problem. I already told Kris we would do out first 100M next year. We both looked and investigated times, races, terrains and our schedules. I really wanted Ken and Matt to be out there too, but they have their own race schedules. If I have them to help train me that is most important.

The two ultras Kris and I were looking at were:

1. Hennepin 100.

2. Tunnel Hill100

And Firewater falls RIGHT SMACK in the middle of the two.

I have a problem.

And I only have 2 days to figure it out. That is when the registration prices increase.

So if anyone has any suggestions, that would be great! Pray that I have favor with the race director when I email them!

Amish Banana Bread with glaze.

2c. flour

1c. sugar

1/2 tsp. salt

2 eggs

1/2 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp. baking soda

1/2 cup. butter

3 bananas mashed

Sift flour. Measure and sift with backing powder, soda and salt.

Cream butter. Add sugar gradually. Add eggs one at a time. Beat thoroughly, then add mashed bananas; blend well. Stir in dry ingredients. Pour into greased bread pan.

Bake at 350' for 60 minutes or until center is completely done.

Alec asked me to glaze the bread.

1 tablespoon melted butter, dash salt, 1/4 tsp vanilla 1 tablespoon milk and 1 cup powdered sugar

Mix, add more butter or sugar to get a thick but runny consistency. I really don't measure it, I am guessing on these measurement.

I also make mini loaves. Alec was grabbing them before I had the glaze on them all.

"Mom, this is my favorite dessert!"

My heart was full.

RUNDOWN:

Distance:10.01

Time: 1:46

Pace: 10:27

We planned to run the trails, only the trails were a sheet of lumpy ice. We bailed when we reached the McGinnis Rd. From that point we ran the backroads with a crazy amount of elevation. The hills came one after another.

Max Gain 840ft.

Max Elevation 1,115ft.

Anita~

Be Careful what you Capture.

What do you do when you can't sleep? GET UP.
My body or my mind gave me no sympathy for winter break.
Andy came to bed around midnight. I was sleeping great until that. I tossed and turned not able to turn my mind off. My legs twitched, my prayers felt unanswered and I laid there suffering.

I got up with Andy at 6:30am.
I cradled a cup of coffee between my hands and quietly snuck into the living room. With my fuzzy blanket and dim lit lights I curled up on the recliner trying to figure out what kept me up all night.
Self inventory. Always  painful in my imperfect state.

I kissed Andy goodbye and went back to my place on the recliner.

I was really hoping Jeff was meeting me at Genesys. I needed accountability.

I sent him a text "Are you getting ready for the gym?"
Within seconds I got a reply " Nita- I am already here.....I couldn't wait to torture myself!"

I was up and literally running through the house getting ready. My bag was already packed and waiting for the 14 minute drive to Genesys.

I looked at my watch and I ran with my big gym bag across the parking lot. 7:32am.
"This is great." I told myself smiling. I was very pleased with my early start.

I looked across the massive gym floor looking for my little buddy. Jeff was holding my favorite treadmill for me. With his head down and his arms resting on the TM bars he didn't see me sneak up behind him. I startled him, breaking his stretching pose.

Jeff actually might be more chatty than even I am. He looked at the guy on his left and said something about me putting him through some sort of torture.
I gave my most innocent smile and said "Yeah right, your going to put the hurting on me!"

Jeff was running 4 miles, I was running 5 miles and both of us were on limited time.
I started out with a slow mile. Conversational pace, even a laughable pace, because that is what we were doing a lot of, laughing at both of our goofiness.

Playtime was ending fast. Jeff started pushing the speed button. I knew that meant I had to as well. When I reached mile 4, I was a half a mile ahead of him.
He punched the button again.
"JERKFACE, your killing me." I cried. I got tickled looking at Jeff knowing he was enjoying this.
He punched the button again.
"WHAT THE HECK! STOP!"
That was about all I said that last mile. I concentrated on my posture, my breathing, staying calm and increasing my pace the last couple laps.
The torture felt good. It was purging. Every annoyance, every burden, everything that was renting space in my head at that moment was buried. It was no where to be found and I wasn't going looking for it. I wanted more. More pain, more sweat, more torture. I loved the fact that I was IN CONTROL of the torture that I inflicted on myself. I was in control. Not my emotions, not my imperfections, not the voices I couldn't shut off.
For that 5 miles I was in control.

I wish I could bottle up that joy. The laughter shared with good friends. It feels safe. Like I am in a bubble away from distractions. Life so quickly interrupts and pulls you back to reality.

I am very grateful for the moments of joy. Good friendships. Good times. Laughter really is great medicine.

RUNDOWN
Distance: 5 miles
Time: 41.02
Pace: 8:15min/mi
Finished up with 100 weighted crunches, 5 sets of 20 on the incline bench.

Be Careful what you Capture. Sometimes it controls YOU.

Not to long ago I got a private message from a cousin of mine who struggles with addiction. I knew automatically from the beginning of the note he had relapsed and was most likely wasted. I tried not to take the note to personal. My heart hurt so bad for him.
Until he brought up Andy. Then I wanted to come out swinging.
He was glorifying his addiction. Comparing himself to Andy. He was bragging about what a REAL addict was.  Bragging about the things he had done and the drugs he used.  He knows nothing about Andy or his addiction. He sees a man who is a professional. A clean cut, well groomed family man. He sees a churchy guy who came from a cookie cutter house.
He believes that addiction has to be UGLY on the outside. It has to show jail time, or prison time, physical abuse, custody battles, loss of jobs, relationships, and the list goes on.
AND WHILE ALL THIS IS TRUE...there are still some out there that are able to disguise their addiction a little better.
Our home was as UGLY as anyone could imagine. We fought, screamed and cried. Divorce was a word I had really entertained in confusion. I had no idea the demons that were haunting Andy.
It was about this time of the night 12 years ago I learned my clean cut, professional husband was shooting dope in his body, anywhere he could find a vein. He was pale, pasty and 165 pounds at 6'2. And he had been doing it for years.
Andy is in the 1% club for IV drug users. By the grace of God he never overdosed. And Andy never relapsed. He surrendered everything to God and God did a miracle. He worked everyday for sobriety. That was his main job. Literally. He didn't work for 3 months just concentrating on staying clean. Meetings 2 times a day, reading the bible, praying and working in the church. We almost lost our house and my husbands grandma would buy us groceries to help. But even when all the stresses of the world were caving in he still concentrated on staying clean.

A genuine smile.

I am so grateful. You can't do it on your own. You have to surrender, surrender Everything. Let go of what you captured before it controls you.

Clean Sober and Strong!

Romans 8:37 We are more than Conquerors through HIM who loves us."

NEVER NEVER QUIT!

Anita~

Tuesday Nite Purge

Tuesday night are always a long and emotional night for me.

I was able to get out of work at 4:15pm giving me time to run to the grocery store to pick up some essentials we had depleted.

Still wearing heals, I rushed through the aisles as quick as I could.
I kept a close eye on my watch as time was slipping by fast and I still had to get home, put the groceries away, make dinner and if I was lucky get to sit for 10 minutes and eat it with the boys.

Not a moment wasted, everything was actually moving in perfect order.
As I was putting the food on the boys plates, I started to think about the addiction group I had to make it to. My mind began to wander, my heart grew heavy as I thought of how everyone made it through the holidays.
I was trying to listen to the boys tell me about their day but I thought about "Judy" and wondered if she was able to smile as her family struggled all around her. I thought about "Lesa" and how it would be her first Christmas without her son who passed away in June.
I couldn't remember eating that last bite of food on my plate as I found myself rinsing the dishes and setting them in the dishwasher.


With my Tim Hortons coffee in one hand and my notebook in the other I walked up the steps of the big white church. I prayed every step asking God to help me, to forgive me, to lead me.
I look forward to Sandra being at the door to greet me. She has the most genuine smile.
"HI ANITA, you look so beautiful." Sandra looked me directly in the eyes with realness.
I blushed and replied "Thank you, I didn't have time to change, you are too sweet."

I was stopped a few times with concerns for people and questions from others. I didn't feel like I could help anyone. I barely felt like I could help myself.

Pastor spoke. He spoke of stories I had heard several times in the 25 years I had been going to the church. I half listened and the other half took notes and begged God to help me to help others.

I took down some notes for my meeting.

Our beliefs determine the differences between Victory and Defeat.

If we feel Helpless and our situation feels Hopeless, we will NEVER change.

Romans 8:37 "We are more than conquerors through Him who loves us."  

Funny how I wrote these few words down and how our meeting directed me to these thoughts on hopelessness.

If we think we are, we are.
If we believe nothing will ever change then we quit before ever starting.

It is a horrible feeling to live life thinking "This is it, this is my life."
Especially when it is a life of pain and suffering. No you can not change others. You can not fix others. You can only manage yourself and your reaction to the life that is circling you.

I was able to speak these words to some that felt discouraged by the constant chaos. I know those feelings. I have felt them. I have felt them so deep that life was not worth living. Because the sadness was so overwhelming it blocked out all hope.

But there was a crack, a tiny crack, not visible to anyone. A crack that only God himself knew existed as he penetrated it, bringing forth His light, His hope, his love for me.

Love that I didn't know anything of.  

My Tuesday night notes.

Anita

Running in the dark.

Focus. Discipline. Self Control. Will Power.

Distractions. Weakness.

There are days I am so focused. Ready to take everyone and everything on.
Then there are day I am weak, confused, distracted.

Today was one of those days. It all caught up with me. Christmas left me depleted. And when I am tired I am weak in every way.

I spent several hours taking down the Christmas tree and mopping the sap off the hardwood floors.
But the dreary sky and being shut in was penetrating.
I didn't want to eat, I had eaten enough crap the last week. And all that food caught up with me. You are what you eat. And I felt like a lazy hog.

I knew with it being 50 degrees I should at least WANT to run. But what I wanted to do was curl back up on the couch with my fuzzy blanket and my favorite girl, Sheeba.
And that is what I did.

Even though I was snuggled back on the couch, I knew I needed to run.

So many crazy thoughts were ruminating in my head.

Andy got home shortly after 5pm. I was busted spooning Sheeba on the couch, still in my PJ's!
I tried to coax Andy into running.

And all that energy trying to get Andy to run actually convinced me to get it together and RUN.

It was going to be a night run. The more I thought about it the more excited I got.


I didn't pick a route, a distance or even a destination. I was just glad I was off the couch.
The sun was setting. She was being very bashful, still hiding behind the dark clouds.
But her rays pierced through small openings in the sky giving me a little more light to see my path.

It was getting dark quick, but I wanted to see the sun setting on the water, I turned left and headed towards the cemetery.

It was every bit as lovely as I hoped, for a December evening in Michigan.
I had to stop and stare. I stood behind the bare trees. The snow had melted across the water, the sun was setting fast leaving just a glimpse of her light along the base of the lake. I stood there with just 1 layer on. I pondered how long I could just stand there and enjoy the sunset until I got cold.
I lasted about 3 minutes.

I didn't run far, I barely even got warmed up. But I did GET UP, and I got DRESSED and I got to witness something beautiful that I would have otherwise missed on the couch.

After my run, I just didn't want it to end. The emotional part of my run. I took the music out of my ears. In the stillness of the premature night, I just headed into the dark, walking.
It was as dark as the ace of spades. The animals were whispering but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I just embraced the evening as we walked together for just a few more moments.

Anita~