"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while..." 1 Peter 1:6-7
Little While Times
Anxiety would creep in slowly, hidden beneath my smiles, optimism, and positivity. I wasn't sure who I was trying to convince more-myself or others- that I was joyful and fearless. Both of which felt like lies the closer we got.
The smell as we entered the room was sterile and medicinal, a scent that added to my anxiety but would be quickly dissolved once my nurses saw me and loved on me. As if they knew how fragile I was underneath my fearless appearance.
I followed the routine, walking back to get my blood work carrying my fake optimism. My "vampire" also cheery and routinely reminding me to "uncross your legs". I held out my arm as she tightened the tourniquet, searching for my bulging veins. I secretly prayed they would cooperate as she stuck me with the needle. I would nervously make jokes trying to make it all seem like it wasn't actually happening.
Like I really didn't have this cancer diagnosis.
After the fourth vial, she kindly untied me and directed me to the chemo room.
My nurses had become my friends, after all, we had seen each other for months, every other week and then every week. I called them my angels. But that didn't take the sting away from what was about to happen. They hung my port, and I looked away. For many reasons. I didn't want my armor to crack as I felt the lump in my throat tighten. I blinked back the tears of reality.
My bags were hung, my port was cleaned, and I felt that familiar poke yet again.
Blink back the tears Anita.
Within seconds I could taste the metal. I could smell the drugs in my nose. I could feel it entering into my body.
This was the moment I hated the most-the feeling of the poison coursing through my veins. My temperature would rise, my body would fatigue, my stomach would turn, and my limbs would twitch like a crack head. It was so confusing because it felt like death, and they were trying to convince me: this was giving me life.
Even though I looked like death.
Even though I felt like death.
Even though It hurt in ways I couldn't describe.
I HAD to believe that this suffering was serving a purpose. I had to trust that it was saving me.
I would remind myself AGAIN and AGAIN to be FEARLESS, not to give up. To not be afraid the Lord is taking care of me. I reminded myself these were just LITTLE WHILE TIMES and this was the cross I was meant to bear.
WHEN IT FEELS LIKE DEATH:REFINED
There are moments in life when pain enters our hearts like a needle in our skin, moments when suffering feels unbearable.
It may not be chemotherapy, but it could be betrayal, loss, heartbreak, or grief. We endure things that feel like they are destroying us, yet somehow, they are shaping us for something greater. We can feel this heavy pain taking course through our entire body and it is so heavy.
Just as chemo feels like death but brings life, sometimes God allows us to walk though suffering to bring about something greater in us.
The pain we endure is not pointless- it is doing something we cannot see and often do not understand.
It is refining us.
It is producing endurance, character and hope.
RUNDOWN:
Praising God every day.
Glory to Glory
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ" 1 Peter 1:6-7
Sometimes even training feels like death. Week after week we are adding more suffering, we are feeling more abuse, and we are getting tired.
There are times when we feel like our bodies are breaking down, yet we press on, trusting the process.
Sometimes, like me being sick I had setbacks. But in faith, we hang on to hope and don't give up.
DISTANCE: 66 miles
ELEVATION: 2,400ft
TRAILS: Island Lake
I am actually a couple miles behind this week on for my training plan. The next several weeks I am going to have to be more intentional.
I am so busy with life that running has been interrupted.
I also do not want running to become an obsession so I make sure to have a life outside of running.
This gives me a healthy balance and keeps me from burn-out.
The long miles, the set-backs and the discomfort are all necessary to build endurance and strength. In the same way, the trials we face in life may feel like they are tearing us apart, but God is using them to refine us, to make us stronger. and to prepare us for something greater.
Our Pain has a Purpose. Both on in our training and in life.
In Peace, Not Pieces,
ANITA
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