Flexibility over Fear

 

"Strength doesn't come from what you can do, it comes from conquering the things you once thought you couldn't." Trisha Drobeck, Elite Marathoner

When I was younger, much younger I could flip, dip and twist my body in all positions. I was like a human pipe cleaner, very flexible. 

Now, I am older, much older and my body doesn't contort or bend in those ways anymore without significant injury, pain or grief. 

This year is the first year I am a mother-in-love. I am experiencing a lot of change. I am trying to figure out how to be a mom to a new daughter, trying to be a different mom to my now married son and how to do life a little different. 

I was given the advice by several clients before the wedding to "Smile and wear beige".  I didn't know what this meant. It means be kind, and blend in. Don't make a fuss. I was for sure going to mess this up, I am great at smiling but terrible at being meek.  

So now the holidays are upon us and I am learning how to be flexible all over again, only my body is not contorted into a pretzel. 

And the truth is I am doing it with grace and excitement. 

It's like the running a trail race, you cannot pinpoint your exact time and pace because you don't know the conditions of the trail. But if you are flexible, trained and somewhat prepared you will have a successful outcome. Of course, a good attitude and removing expectations help too. 

So when my son called to tell us he wouldn't be having Thanksgiving with us I PAUSED. 

The pause was the best thing I have done in a long time. And in that short time my mind was racing! I was praying, I was seeking Godly counsel and wanting to pass this test as honoring to the Lord as I could. When I gently responded (not reacted) we had great conversation that shared grace, love and flexibility. My son was very thoughtful of my emotions allowing grace to win. 

Next year I want to be even more flexible.  I am already looking at 2023 with new goals, new ideas and excited to see where the Lord leads me. 

"Strength doesn't come from what you can do, it comes from conquering the things you once thought you couldn't." Trisha Drobeck, Elite Marathoner

RUNDOWN: Changing it up. 

So, this year I did a Turkey trot with my new daughter on Thanksgiving. A trail trot at Stoney Creek by Move-it-Fitness. Another great race by an incredible race director. 

It was Shelbys first race!! Andy Austin made it to see her finish! It was the sweetest thing. 

And if that wasn't enough change, I registered for a race on Black Friday, which was a first for me too! 

For over 20 years I have Black Friday shopped, but this year I drove by myself to run a race by myself. 

FEAR of FAILURE: Black Toenail 1/2 Marathon. 

Before I left for the race Andy yells "Sub 2 hour". I knew that was a 9min/mi. 

My nerves shook, "NO WAY "was the first thing out of my mouth! 

I started thinking of every excuse for why that was no possible. 

THE LIES I narrated. 

"I haven't trained that kind of speed on the trails."

"I still have a nagging injury."

"I can't."

"I can't."

But the truth is I was afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of the pain. Afraid of disappointment. 

I took off in the back of the pack excited to play in the woods. Not a cloud in the sky, we all fought for our spot on the trail.

I tucked in trying to keep pace but boldly started making my move, "On your left" I shouted as I began passing runners. 

I shadowed a gal who was running strong for about 3 miles then she broke ahead of me cutting in and out of other runners. 

I found another guy and stayed on his heals trying to keep pace with him. He was running great as we made the first loop, we headed back out for our second loop. I wanted to pick up my pace for the second half and it felt like he did too until he tripped and fell. I made sure he was good and let him get back in front of me. With the temps warming up, his pace picking up and his tumble, he abruptly jumped off the trail. I asked if he was "OK" and he replied, "my quads cramping". 

There was nothing I could do so I quickly took off. 

I was thanking God for my last 9 miles and counting my miles down. I was running a negative split but I never looked at my time. I knew my first 7 miles I was averaging 9:15min/miles but I still didn't believe I could run a sub 2 hour. 

I believed it so much I never even prayed to achieve it. BUT I did pray for the Lord to give me strength and protection. To make me swift. 

By mile 10, I was passing more runners and I see the gal I tried to stay with at the beginning. I came up on her and laughed, "Girl, it has taken me 7 miles to catch back up to you, STAY in FRONT of me!"

She was startled that I didn't just pass her but she stayed behind me. 

We made a turn and headed uphill. I repeated myself, "GET in FRONT of me, YOU got this." I moved over and she came up, taking the lead. "YOU got this, ON your TOES, GO GO!" I cheered her on. She yelled "Thank you coach" and I watched that hair swing back and forth putting distance between us. 

And I smiled. I was out of breath, but I was so happy. 

I had 2 miles and was trying to hold a sub 8:45min/mi. I literally felt like there was no blood left in my legs or air left in my lungs. 

I crossed the finish line with nothing left in the tank. When I stopped my watch, I was shocked, 1:59:29! Now that wasn't official, but I knew it was close. 

My official actually had me at 1:58:40.55 

Andy the real shocker was I took first place in my age group! Glory to God. 

Fear, funny this thing called fear. When you get intimate with your fears you can really learn a lot about yourself. The truth is it is better to FAIL trying then to never try and never learn. The greatest lesson is always in the victory of OVERCOMING fear not necessarily in the fear of the obstacle or circumstance. 

Just own it then overcome it with honesty and understanding. There is no shame in having fears. We all have them; the real truth lies in the "WHY". And that journey to discover is where all the power is. 

Turned out I saw some friends I knew at both races! My sweet Tina and her chivalrous husband Sean were in their infamous matching attire, always looking picture perfect! 

I have registered for 2 races for next year...Change is coming! Let the adventure begin! Till next time, 

 In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita

Settle my Soul

 

Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you. 

2 Thess 3:16

I have these moments I just want to run. I am not sure if I am running from something or to something. I am just sensory overloaded.  

Today, was one of those days. My mind was getting the best of me and I was struggling to tune out the chatter.  

I just wanted to find that place of silence, I wanted to hear the autumn breeze rustling the leaves, I wanted to hear my breath and feel my heartbeat. 

I wanted to feel empty. 

Depleted.

I wanted to be in that place of belonging. 

The place my soul speaks in the audience of ONE. 

I needed that sacred moment of silence to hear His words settle my soul and calm my spirit. 

My spirit called me outside to breath in His Glory, His Grace. 

I Ran. 

Outside, I felt the blistering wind try to cut through me, but I ran harder. Today, was my third day in a row running and the best my legs have felt in a long time. 

After a couple miles, I decided to GO FOR IT. I knew it was the Lord. I committed to running on His strength without fear. 

I wanted to run 10 miles sub 9min/mi. 

I haven't run this distance and pace for a while, ultra-running has you going long and slow. 

No Fear. 

His Strength. 

Every mile I heard the beep of my watch and praised God. 

I was running up and down the hills on N.Holly road and hitting my goal pace. 

When I got to 5 miles to turn around, I decided to go farther, another 1/2 a mile for a total of 11 miles. 

I turned around and headed up hill and felt the wind blow me sideways. 

Rise up girl, don't get discouraged. 

I picked up my pace concerned I was slowing down. I was running on about 2 feet of the road. The shoulder was snow covered and icy, running on the road was actually the safest option. As the cars came towards me, I would wave hoping they would give me grace and move over. 

At the top of a very large hill, with a blind spot, the traffic got heavy leaving me no place to run and nowhere for the cars to move over, I hugged the curb as far as I could trying to keep pace and not slip-on ice, but it was of no avail. My heart was racing trying to not get hit and I tripped over a patch of ice falling hard. I threw my left hand out in hopes to break my fall but the road ripped across my hands and legs. Cars were coming in all directions as I jumped quickly to my feet trying not to get hit. 

Like I had a turbo boost in me, I couldn't believe how quick I sprung to my feet. 

I didn't miss a beat, my adrenaline was pumping, my heart was racing, and I managed to keep my pace! 

I finished my 11 miles. My gloves have a few more holes but I DID it! 

There is a strength that only vulnerability knows. 

Today, there was a fear. maybe even a few fears. 

It's the Unknown. 

The Uncertain. 

The Mystery of the Undetermined Ending. 

Roughly 10 out from running 50 miles, my body has forgiven me and the Lord has redeemed me, granting me todays run. 

As I fell just a few feet from cars coming at me I couldn't stop smiling. Today wasn't the day that the Lord wanted me home.  

I giggled at what plans He still has for me. 

I praised Him for a good run, thanking him for His strength in me. 

Grateful He hears my soul cry out to Him, my passions and the desires of my heart. 

Today as I ran, my thoughts settled, the noise disappeared, and I could feel Gods tender touch calm my soul. 

Rundown: 

I texted Andy right after I finished, and he always encourages me. 

• Average heart rate: 150! 
• Average cadence: 184
• Maximum Elevation: 1,122ft

I am running the Turkey Trail Trot with my daughter Shelby on Thanksgiving! I am just so excited! Our first race together!

I may have bought a costume... Gobble Gobble!

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita~

Understanding but not Necessary

"Your being emotional, it's understanding but unnecessary." 

Sherlock Holmes

If we have been in this world long enough, we have learned how to have thick skin.

I laughed as my brother and I played phone tag this morning, back and forth we missed each other's calls. 

The truth is when we finally connected to do our morning banter his carefree spirit turned dark. 

The f-bomb ejected through the phone and connected with some more colorful language. It's my big brother so I do what I always do, laugh. Big brothers are great at making you laugh or cry. I am usually laughing. 

Bobby barks "This f#@* idiot flew by me and look, now there he is directly in front of me, %$#@ I want to just tap his bumper and tell him 'Oops I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry.' " 

I was laughing a lot, probably even provoking my brother, it's the little sister in me.  He calmed down, I thanked God I don't drive in Florida with him because I am SURE he would have tapped my bumper! 

"Your being emotional, it's understanding but unnecessary." 

This is the scene that had me grabbing for the remote. 

I am not a TV watcher. But last week I decided to fold laundry and watch Evola Holmes, the story of Sherlock Holmes little sister. 

There is a scene Evola is upset and crying because her mother went missing. Sherlock sits very permissive under the tree and calmy responds to her emotional outrage with the above quote. 

I quickly look for the remote, frantically trying to rewind it and listen to it again, and again, and again with a pen. 

OHH LORD this spoke volumes to me!! 

That passion erupts from me all the time! 

My brother too! 

When I am happy, when I am hurt, when I am mad, when I am telling a story, I am animated, elevated and enthusiastic. 

I am also quite annoying! 

BUT Sherlock continues....

"Be tough, not because you're looking to be someone, rather because you're looking for yourself." 

WHERE'S THE REMOTE?! 

Oh Sherlock, I am in love! You are speaking sweet nothings to me. 

In my emotions, I find myself clenching my fists, straightening my back and ready to get in the ring. I have my gloves on ready to go another round. 

Hyper.

High-strung.

But often times, I curl up crying asking the Lord to protect me, control me and save me from myself. 

I want to puff up my broken heart and defend myself. I want to communicate my truth, I want to submit my disagreement. 

Thats what we do. 

I want to toughen up, stand up for myself, defend myself, I want to scream, I want to yell and shake my fist at the haters. 

Slow your roll sister. 

Get a grip. 

*Be tough enough to control those wild and reckless emotions. Because while they are understanding they are unnecessary. 

But I have nothing to prove to anyone but MYSELF. 

Being tough should be a way to be strong enough to discover your "WHY". 

Be tough to do the self-inventory. 

Be tough in yourself to forgive. 

Be tough in yourself to be confident in your worth. 

Be tough in yourself that you don't hurt someone else in YOUR hurt.  

Being silent isn't a weakness. It is a strength under control. 

 

I write the things I am working on. These are often not areas I have conquered usually they have conquered me and I am STILL TRYING. 

Somedays I get it. Other days they get me. 

RUNDOWN: 

Miles November 7th-13th=69miles

Wednesday: GAC, 4 miles run, Strength and rowing

Thursday: 11 miles

Andy and I drove down to Illinois to help pace a friend of ours. We drove with Sarah to Tunnel Hill to help him achieve his 100 mile goal. Sarah paced 50 miles during the day and I paced through the night. Andy joined for 16 of the 51 miles I did. 

I have been blessed to have many people cheer me on, pace me and crew me. But I LOVE taking my bib off and helping someone else achieve their goal. 

Congrats to Sean C and Michelle H out there at Tunnel Hill! 

In Peace, not Pieces, 

Anita~

• My name is Enola, which backwards spells alone. To be a Holmes you must find your own path. ...

I HATE you.

 "He gives strength to the weary and increases power to the weak." Isaiah 40:29

Andys Aunt Lois sent me a rock of inspiration every treatment. 

3 years later...

This week, I have sent out cards, text messages, sent the rest of my scarves out and shared tears with those struggling with cancer, the family members or those who are scared they are walking into this journey. 

I have run to support the devastation you reaped. I have stuck my middle finger at you this week watching so many dissembled by your visit. I have sent flowers and read many messages of hope and hurt.  

I have prayed, cried and felt the darkness creep into my safe place. 

I HATE you cancer. 

• I hate that you are so misunderstood. 
• I hate that you are misdiagnosed. 
• I hate that you are misjudged. 
• I hate that you are misdirected. 
• I hate that you are misleading. 
• I hate that you are mistaken. 
• I hate you. 

I HATE YOU, 

Dr. Cotant stays so positive as he congratulated me a few weeks ago on my 3 years. But as I walk through the familiar doors that I did 2 times a week for months it still feels like home. I walk in with more than a smile and cookies, I am walking in with color in my cheeks, with hair on my head, with eyebrows and life. And I see those patients in the reclining chairs, pale, sick, and hooked up to hope burning through their veins. 

And I smile harder looking at them, hoping they could see more than my eyes as my smile is hidden behind a mask. I want them to see my heart. 

I am trying to not go off the deep end my heart hurts so bad for them. 

1st haircut for my first treatment. 

This week I scrambled through the house looking for my prescription for my pancreas screening. 

That stupid brca1 gene of mine. I have to get my pancreas scanned every year.  

• 3 years later I am still getting screenings. 
• 3 years later I have longer hair than I have had in 4 years, and I am about to cut it off!
• 3 years later I still have not gotten my muscle mass back. 
• 3 years later my memory still rides on the struggle bus. 
• 3 years later my scars are fading. 
• 3 years later those new boobies are beginning to relax and drop a bit.
• 3 years later I have paid all my bills, minus the one that just went to the creditor we missed! OOPS. 
• 3 years later I still believe cancer recreated me, softened me, grew me, delivered me. 
• 3 years later I still HATE cancer. 

I don't HATE what cancer did to me. Honestly, I am grateful for the journey cancer took me on. But

• I HATE the hurt it does to others. 
• I Hate to see the devastation. 
• I Hate to see families broken. 
• I Hate to see the hopelessness. 
• I Hate to see the fear. 
• I Hate to hear the whispers of judgment. 

RUNDOWN: 

Tomorrow Andy and I are going with Sarah heading 9 hours away to crew a friend of ours hoping to get his first 100-mile belt buckle! 

Tunnel Hill here we come! 

Andy and I will be crewing together during the day, and I will be running with him during the night while Sarah and Andy crew us through the night. 

I have been very blessed to have the others crew me and encourage me and I look forward to do the same! 

Me smiling...before I threw my back out! 

I went back to the gym this week and threw my back out, praying it heals up to run all night long, about 50 miles! 

Hot mess express!

• "Cancer: don't count the days, make the days count. "
• "And if cancer comes back, I'll keep fighting. "
• We can't control what life brings us, but we can control our response to it. 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. I am saved by his Grace. 

It was never in my strength. 

It was never my will. 

It was never my power.

It was never me. 

But His power through me. 

In Peace, not Pieces, 

Anita~