Outside Looking In

"The struggle is not pointless, a better you lies ahead." Jenny Simpson Olympian

I wake up, stumble to the kitchen counting another night of 4 hours of sleep wondering how long one can sustain colliding evenings like this. I make my coffee like its a priceless masterpiece, because it is. 

After a couple slurps, the steam fogging my glasses, life begins to take form and I forget all about not sleeping for the 4th night in a row. 

I open my bible with my notebook, highlighter and pen ready for God to speak into me into His gracious ways. 

 

And I ponder.

"Look at all you have accomplished in three years." 

I stared at that text from a dear friend as I left for my oncologist.

Monday, I had my 6 month check up. As I was getting ready I laughed to myself as I curled my HAIR. 

As I put mascara on my EYELASHES. 

As I colored in my EYEBROWS.  

I left early for my 1:20 appointment to get cookies from the Village Bakeshop for all my staff at MHP Oncology. 

I was excited to see them all. 

"HI! Anita!" The staff all greet me with so much love. Or maybe it was the box of cookies! 

My tech came around to bring me back to get my blood. I hate getting poked but I act fearless and smile. 

She is beautiful, she had deep brown skin, flawless and glossy long black hair, and her smile was sweet. 

I lift my sleeve, lay my arm on the cold stand and take a deep breath. I giggle with some nervous joke and look away as she quickly ties my arm up and pokes that needle into my vulnerable vein, gathering 4 vials of my blood. 

I think, I did this every week for months, 2 times a week for months. 

Thank you Lord. Thank you for equipping me to endure. 

THANK YOU FOR 3 Years and another 6 months! 

And I ponder. 

The OUTSIDE looking IN. 

"Look at all you have accomplished in three years." 

My mornings start out as I described. Sometimes I forget all I have accomplished. 

MY LIFE is the SUM of:

• SUM-HOW
• SUM-WAY
• SUM-WHERE
• SUM-TIMES
• SUM-BODY

SUMHOW I have to let it all go and TRUST. I have to just do it afraid. I have to Believe that God will make a way when there seems no way. 

SUMWAY It will all work out. It may look different than I would have planned but I have to let God frame it, stepping back and look at it different. 

SUMWHERE there is life to live. Life is meant for the living. There are dreams to accomplish, goals to reach, life to love and people to reach. 

SUMTIMES life just feels so unfair. Tell me about it. I had already lived a life full of grief, disappointment, abuse and chaos before the age of 19. SUMTIMES life isn't fair but that doesn't mean we quit living our fullest life. Joy isn't SUMTIMES, it is all the time. 

SUMBODY loves you, believes in you, is encouraged, inspired, and is watching you from the OUTSIDE looking In. 

TO SUM IT UP:

"Who is the man who desires life and loves length of days that he may see good." Psalm 34:12

 I read my sweet friends text as I drove back home. My arm was throbbing from my blood draw and I smiled for the pain. A small price to pay. 

Take my blood. 

Take my ovaries.

Take my boobies.

Take my hair and TAKE what you have to take but YOU Can't Have my Spirit. Though my Spirit was disabled it was not disarmed. 

3 years later and I was reminded I have been LIVING LIFE. A life so different.  

I have been redeemed, recovered, renewed. 

Beauty from Ashes.  

My Dear Friend has been on the sidelines watching me. And very gently she reminds me. 

Life is a SUM of many things. Beautiful things. Painful things. The Lord is not def or blind to our prayers or our pains. 

Whether it is the throb of a needle poke from the unfairness of life or it is the agony of grieving muscles from the desires of our heart, pain speaks volumes. Victory or victim. 

Choose Victory.  

In PEACE, NOT pieces, 

Anita~