Show up with a Smile

"It doesn't matter who hurt you, or broke you down, what matters is who made you smile again."

Being in extrovert is easy for me but hard for others to be around me. 

"She's a lot"

"Oh! Not her again..." 

"What Anita doesn't have in height she makes up for in volume."  

I love life and I love people. Some of life is hard and some people are challenging but LOVE covers all. 

When I was 11 my dad died. Damn addiction left me fatherless. I didn't have a lot my father left me, truth is I didn't have anything but a duplicate freckle on my lip and a little 2-inch teddy bear my father bought me at a gas station right before he died. I took that little bear to high school and put it in my locker to look at every time I opened my locker. It reminded that my father was looking after me. It made me SMILE to see that little bear. 

One day it was gone. I lost it at school. I was a shattered mess. I had nothing, no photos, no gifts, no memorabilia, and I was sobbing through the halls. 

I very vividly remember one of my friends saying, "Anita, I never saw you like this, you are always smiling...." 

Those words have stuck with me for years. 

Thats what I do. I show up smiling. 

Saturday, I showed up smiling.  When I got through cancer, I made a commitment to GIVE BACK. I showed up in Waterford at Dixie Hwy near Hatchery to run to Detroit medical center for McKennas Squad. To raise money for kids with cancer. 

I remember when they told me at 45, I had cancer. I was so confused on how I could get cancer so young. Going through treatment was hard, showing up with a smile was hard but the thought of children going through cancer is unfathomable. 

So young, unexperienced, innocent and blameless. 

I showed up with a smile. We ran all the way to Detroit down Dixie Hwy to Woodward. From Waterford through West Bloomfield Royal Oak, Ferndale, Highland Park to Detroit.  

I smiled. I smiled for a cause bigger than my own. 

I smiled when we were flipped off running down the road because we had no sidewalks, I smiled when we saw our crew bring us food and water, I smiled when I crossed 6 lanes of traffic for Avon Donuts, I smiled when we ran through the sketchy part of the city, I smiled. 

31 miles and over 7 hours. 

SHOW up with a smile. 

Joan and I!! 

It really is that simple. Its vulnerable but is a compassion that opens your heart to others. 

A smile is free therapy for both you and others. 

A smile doesn't mean you're happy and have it all together, for me it means I am trying. 

Life gives us so many reasons to cry, scream and fall apart but a smile shows life sometimes we are falling into place. 

"I have many problems in life. But my lips don't know that. They always smile." Charlie Chaplin

Today, I woke up so sore, so tired and not feeling really well. I had committed to run again. 

I had run the 50K Saturday and Sunday I ran with Joan Clarkston Backroads half marathon. This is our race in honor of Ariel, my precious niece who passed away 10 years ago. It is very special to us and this year we were excited to run it after 3 years of cancer, covid and kiddos. I showed up smiling but by mile 10 my body was SCREAMING! 

This morning with my body angry at me I showed up again smiling for another 10 miles. I laughed at the idea of this being a "TAPER". Over 50 miles in 3 days, keep smiling Anita, you weirdo!

I figure if I smile enough maybe I will convince myself I am not sore, not tired, not getting sick and maybe not a weirdo. 

"A Smile is a curve that sets everything straight." Phyliss Diller

A smile doesn't negate that hurt that rests in our heart. A smile doesn't mean life is full of butterflies and rainbows. 

Life has been dark, very dark. I have had days I have begged God to take me from the pain that thunders my soul. 

I have thrown the covers over my head in defeat and lost my temper like the antichrist. 

I cried for over a year, every day and remember very distinctly when I first smiled, I actually felt guilty for doing so. 

But that smile brought me back to life. That smile gave me hope again. That smile softened my heart once again. 

In Peace, Not Peices,

Anita~

Big shout out to Complete Runner for supporting McKennas Squad. Coach Brad, BIG SHOUT out to you for organizing this event. He started at 5AM on a BIKE from Flint to Waterford for a 50K bike then RUN!! 

Congrats to all those who ran Clarkston Backroads, especially those who showed up in full costume! 

Congrats to Tonya for running MCM. 

It's Not a Clarkston Backroads unless I see Dale!! 

Happy Early Birthday to this HUNKA HUNKA burning LOVE!! Happy Birthday Andy!!

Idol of Running

CONSIDER your CALLING. 

“For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; 27 but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, 28 and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, 29 so that no man may boast before God. 30 But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, 31 so that, just as it is written, ‘Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord’” 1 Corinthians 1:26 to 31

I have been doing a bible study on IDOLS. The study breaks down idolatry into compartments: 

• Approval of Man
• Busyness
• Control
• Comfort
• Self Sufficiency
• Appearance
• Body Image
• Health and Fitness
• Food
• Knowledge
• Success and Achievements
• Work
• Security
• Materialism
• Perfectionism
• Pleasure
• Passions
• Screens

Several weeks into this study I have been humbled. Idols are described as anything you put on the alter of your heart. I have discovered blind spots in my walk that have humbled me. 

The approval of man, friends, children, self sufficiency, health and fitness to name a few! 

Authentic, fearfully and wonderfully made! 

THIS IDOL called Running. 

There was a day that my identity was in my running. My insecurity ran high. I had the need of approval and affirmation. I wanted to be part of something. My idolatry went unchecked and almost wrecked me. 

I found a false identity in my running. I put my running on the throne of my heart and when I tore my meniscus for the second time I saw what I had placed on the alter as I was on my knees. 

I had to choose to live from a place of Authenticity:

I have used my running to encourage, teach and share, starting a blog as a starter. 

In the beginning, I shared many details. These details even though were honest, they might have come across braggadocios.  I then began to share my UGLY. I began sharing my mishaps, my misfortunes and my misdirection's. 

I had to choose to live from a place of Acceptance. 

Through many injuries that sidelined me from running, I had to "BE STILL AND KNOW". 

I had to KNOW that HE IS the GOD of my heart. Not running, not victories, not passions, not accolades or any other idol that was lurking in the corners of my heart. 

I had to sit with knee surgeries, IT band injuries, plantar fasciitis, grief and cancer and learn that it was out of my control. I had to learn to ACCEPT the good with the bad, accepting ALL of it. 

I had to choose to live from a place of Allowance.

John 3:27 "John answered and said "A man can receive nothing unless it ahs been given to him from heaven." 

Recognizing that running was and is a GIFT from the Lord not an entitlement. He Allows me to run. He hears the passions of my heart and He gives and He takes. I have had to humbly ask the Lord many times if it is the will of God that I run and if not would he gently remove that passion from me. 

I have had to choose to live from a place of Amazement. 

1Cor. 4:7 "For who regards you as superior? What do you have that you did not receive and if you did receive it why do you boast as if you had not received it?"

I am Amazed every time I lace up my shoes, at almost 49 the Lord is still using these wobble sticks for His Glory. I feel my throat closing and tears falling in genuine humility that He gifted me for His Glory. He challenges me physically and prepares me for great and mighty things that make no sense to me or others. 

I ran 2 ultras and one marathon going through chemo making my Dr's crazy, questioning how and why. My answer every time, Glory to God, He is my strength and portion forever. 

I had to choose to live from a Audience of ONE. 

I have learned that I can use my accomplishments to serve others through my writing, my testimony and coaching as a ministry.  I have also learned that when I am looking for the affirmation or accolades I am replacing God for others.  If I exercise a heart of humility, giving God the glory, HE will lift me up. Although it is kind and encouraging when we receive affirmations from others it does not become necessary. 

THE HEART of the MATTER:

Pride and ego is a petri dish for idols to grow. Before we try to captivate others we must first be captivated by HIM. It is only then we can go confidently in HIM, using the Gifts He has given us to His Glory. 

But when I get "greedy in glory" I  have exchanged The Lord of my heart for the idols of my ego. 

I would encourage you to search your heart, ask The Lord to help you to gently reveal blind spots of idolatry. 

Read the list above, what area are you feeling conviction? May you feel the Lords blessing as you take it to the the alter sweet friend. 

RUNDOWN: 

October 17th-23rd- 47 miles. 

Monday: 12.5 miles

Tuesday OFF

Wednesday-Cross train

Thursday-13 miles. 

UPCOMING events: 

Saturday 50K/50K for children's Cancer. I will be running a 50K for Kids with Cancer. 

Sunday Clarkston Backroads for FUN! 

In Peace Not Pieces,

Anita~

Outside Looking In

"The struggle is not pointless, a better you lies ahead." Jenny Simpson Olympian

I wake up, stumble to the kitchen counting another night of 4 hours of sleep wondering how long one can sustain colliding evenings like this. I make my coffee like its a priceless masterpiece, because it is. 

After a couple slurps, the steam fogging my glasses, life begins to take form and I forget all about not sleeping for the 4th night in a row. 

I open my bible with my notebook, highlighter and pen ready for God to speak into me into His gracious ways. 

 

And I ponder.

"Look at all you have accomplished in three years." 

I stared at that text from a dear friend as I left for my oncologist.

Monday, I had my 6 month check up. As I was getting ready I laughed to myself as I curled my HAIR. 

As I put mascara on my EYELASHES. 

As I colored in my EYEBROWS.  

I left early for my 1:20 appointment to get cookies from the Village Bakeshop for all my staff at MHP Oncology. 

I was excited to see them all. 

"HI! Anita!" The staff all greet me with so much love. Or maybe it was the box of cookies! 

My tech came around to bring me back to get my blood. I hate getting poked but I act fearless and smile. 

She is beautiful, she had deep brown skin, flawless and glossy long black hair, and her smile was sweet. 

I lift my sleeve, lay my arm on the cold stand and take a deep breath. I giggle with some nervous joke and look away as she quickly ties my arm up and pokes that needle into my vulnerable vein, gathering 4 vials of my blood. 

I think, I did this every week for months, 2 times a week for months. 

Thank you Lord. Thank you for equipping me to endure. 

THANK YOU FOR 3 Years and another 6 months! 

And I ponder. 

The OUTSIDE looking IN. 

"Look at all you have accomplished in three years." 

My mornings start out as I described. Sometimes I forget all I have accomplished. 

MY LIFE is the SUM of:

• SUM-HOW
• SUM-WAY
• SUM-WHERE
• SUM-TIMES
• SUM-BODY

SUMHOW I have to let it all go and TRUST. I have to just do it afraid. I have to Believe that God will make a way when there seems no way. 

SUMWAY It will all work out. It may look different than I would have planned but I have to let God frame it, stepping back and look at it different. 

SUMWHERE there is life to live. Life is meant for the living. There are dreams to accomplish, goals to reach, life to love and people to reach. 

SUMTIMES life just feels so unfair. Tell me about it. I had already lived a life full of grief, disappointment, abuse and chaos before the age of 19. SUMTIMES life isn't fair but that doesn't mean we quit living our fullest life. Joy isn't SUMTIMES, it is all the time. 

SUMBODY loves you, believes in you, is encouraged, inspired, and is watching you from the OUTSIDE looking In. 

TO SUM IT UP:

"Who is the man who desires life and loves length of days that he may see good." Psalm 34:12

 I read my sweet friends text as I drove back home. My arm was throbbing from my blood draw and I smiled for the pain. A small price to pay. 

Take my blood. 

Take my ovaries.

Take my boobies.

Take my hair and TAKE what you have to take but YOU Can't Have my Spirit. Though my Spirit was disabled it was not disarmed. 

3 years later and I was reminded I have been LIVING LIFE. A life so different.  

I have been redeemed, recovered, renewed. 

Beauty from Ashes.  

My Dear Friend has been on the sidelines watching me. And very gently she reminds me. 

Life is a SUM of many things. Beautiful things. Painful things. The Lord is not def or blind to our prayers or our pains. 

Whether it is the throb of a needle poke from the unfairness of life or it is the agony of grieving muscles from the desires of our heart, pain speaks volumes. Victory or victim. 

Choose Victory.  

In PEACE, NOT pieces, 

Anita~

Bear Lake Ultra Recap: His Power

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.2 Corinthians 12:9

 I am four days out from running almost 24 hours at Bear Lake and my body still feels like its been through a meat grinder. 

I have taken my time to rest and reminisce on not just the race but all the training miles leading up to Saturdays ultra event. 

 As I tried to write down some of the details of the race, I discovered a lot of the details started with the letter "P". So to add a little character to this "Post" I am going share my recap highlighting the "P's" in running Bear Lake Ultra. 

The PREP: 

I used Hal Koerners Field Guide to Ultra Training for my training plan. I averaged 50-60 miles a week throughout the summer, running trails about once a week. 

Rob always has the BEST SWAG ever!! PILOT bags!

The PATH/PAVEMENT: 

Bear Lake Ultra is a 3.1 mile course that is mostly trails except for the road to the cabins and field. The trail is NO JOKE, with close to 300ft of dusty, rooty elevation it is a terror to the toes. You run a tenth of a mile in front of the cabins that is paved, this is a reprieve after you have tried not to go head over toe downhill to get there. 

Complete RUNNER 

The PLAN: 

My plan was to try by the grace of God to run all night. 

I wanted to run through the aid station every 2 loops and stop at the 3rd loop to refuel and hydrate. 

So every 9 miles I would stop. I wanted to do this for 27 miles. From there the plan would evolve to stopping every 2 loops in hope I could maintain that all night giving me an aid station every 6 miles. 

Rachel was coming out at 9pm to pace me through the night. Andy was running during the day but would crew me through the night. 

THE FIRST 27.

As the National Anthem played I bowed my head in PRAYER. 

~Praying for His Strength, Perseverance and Protection. I have been praying the Lord would use me in my miles. I prayed that NO MATTER the outcome the Lord would use it ALL for His Glory.

The race then kicked off with Rob entertaining us with fireworks! 

That first 27 miles, I think I only ran a couple miles with Andy and somewhere I lost him. 

I ran with Joe playing a game of "Who sings this?". "No Sunshine" was blasting through my speaker while Joe was asking every runner who sang it! Surprisingly, it took about a dozen runners to answer it right, do you know?

By 11am I was still searching for Andy and running solo. Every loop I noticed someone had PLACED 2 bags of chocolate chip and M&M cookies on a chair. I was salivating at this point and snuck into the bag a grabbed a cookie. I WOULD LOVE to know who's cookies those were, They were like manna from Heaven, I'm pretty sure my tongue smacked my brains! 

I made about 20 rocks from mantra runners had given to me prior to the race. Runners moved them all day through the woods. These were some of the photos I snagged that some of the runners had taken. 

THE PASSION-Pushing 30 miles and beyond: 

I had been running for miles alone. I kept my smile even though I was placing too much value on my thoughts, on my PAIN, my feet were beginning to hurt. As my spirits began to fade Alecia Keys, UNDERDOG came though my speaker to motivate me. To remind me of my PASSION and part of the PURPOSE of me running. 

• I Run for many reasons. I run to represent the UNDERDOG. 
• I Run for the one that doesn't fit in. 
• I Run for the one people said wouldn't make it. 
• I Run for the one that fights all of hell for a second chance, for a little grace. 
• I Run for the one this world has have tried to break. 
• I Run for the one that has been hurt, judged or shamed. 
• I Run for the UNDERDOG. 
• I Run to remind you to keep fighting. 
• I RUN for the one that wasn't given anything and has had to fight for everything. 
• I RUN FOR YOU. To remind you to keep FIGHTING. To Dust yourself off and get back out there. To not Quit. To not feel ashamed of who you are.

And I held my thoughts captive. I recited my "WHY" and felt the negative thoughts dissolve. 

I came down the hill towards the parking lot where I see "MR. MICHIGAN" cheering on the runners and had to do a double take, MOM AND DAD were there! WITH TIM HORTONS! 

Without a thought, I stopped to enjoy them. I opened that coffee and felt the warm sweetness saturate my chilled body. I was so happy I felt my cheeks actually hurting from smiling so big. 

Mom and Dad told me Andy was about 10 minutes ahead of me. 

MY PURSUIT:

I dropped a gear to find him. 

2:ISHpm: I finally caught up to Andy, I was a little labored when I reached him, however it felt so good to have someone to run with. I was able to enjoy his company for 2 loops. I headed back out alone. 

3:22 I see ROB with his beautiful family, his new baby brought joy to my soul, I LOVE babies! 

I ran some miles with my new friend BJORN. He was killing it with a goal of 50 miles in 10 hours. 

By 6pm I was running solo again. 

PEE PEE:

I was questioning my life choices like many of us runners at this POINT. 

I had been eating really good and drinking even better, I was not PREPARED for it to be as cold as it was. 

I was wearing a pair of tights I had never raced in. When I came into the aid station I had to pee really bad but before I went I saw Valerie and in my excitement to see her I peed my pants! I rushed to the bathroom and discovered I had a few more issues. 

Valerie and I after my discovery. 

 

Not only had I peed my pants, my pants were on backwards and inside out! 

At this POINT, I was like, "I've gone this far!"

I came into the aid station to enjoy some fresh corn on the cob, soo yummy. 

By 6:45, I was at over 49 miles. I would have 50 miles in under 11 hours. 

I was going to need the banked time for the night. 

Then I found Andy again, but just for a little bit. 

PERSEVERING into the night

As the evening darkened the woods grew brisk and the lake blew a blistering wind. It was brutal. 

It was like throwing sand in my gears. Everything felt so much harder. I do not run well in the cold, it is my kryptonite. 

I was trying to maintain a 13 min/mi. I had fallen really hard in the morning and was PRAYING the Lord would PROTECT me from falling again in my fatigue. 

The moon was amazing, but even in its company I was lonely. I was on my second round of questioning my PLAN. 

Rachel would be at the aid station very soon. I came into the Aid station around 8:30 and there she was. I wrapped my arms around her and started crying like a blubbering baby. 

Andy was there laughing. "NITA! Its too early to start crying..." he laughed trying to raise my spirits. 

I had smiled to everyone, I encouraged the other runners and tried to stay POSITIVE but my tank was running empty, more than I knew. 

Rachel showered me with more than her PRESENCE, she had PRESENTS for me too. I was so tired I could hardly string together a full sentence. She placed a new LED night on me that shone bright through the darkness. 

Running through the dark has a multitude of PROBLEMS for me. 

photo credit, Joel

• I get nauseous. 
• I have a hard time seeing with a headlamp.
• I was freezing.
• I was so tired I could hardly think. Fear was settling in, it was too early to be so fatigued. 

Rachel provided both companionship and dialogue. I could hardly string together conversation. Loop after loop I chased her through the woods. 

I would find myself walking for longer than I should and Rachel was able to get me moving again. 

We were half way down the hill when ROB jumps in with us full of energy and smiles. 

Rob was awesome running till after 3 am with Rachel and I. 

Rachel carried me 20 miles but was having a hip PROBLEM sadly bowing out. 

When we came into the aid station Sarah was there. Now I had not seen Sarah hardly at all at the aid station all day but here she was. Rachel shared her problem feeling terrible but asking Sarah if she could help me. 

Sarah wasn't running a lot but said YES. 

But the REAL PROBLEM was ME. I had gone to Hell in a handbasket. I was freezing, sick, and so tired no one not even me could interpret my mumbling. I didn't know how I could run another 4 hours. 

Andy sat me into the adirondack chair with 2 blankets over me and my face and set a time for 15 minutes. 

I was PASSED OUT. 

MY POWER:  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 1Cor. 12:9

BINGG BINGG BINGG I heard the alarm go off. "Wake up Nita, Let's GO! Andy prodded. I threw off the blankets and Sarah and I went foot loose and fancy. 

We came in strong and headed back out for my final loop. With a PEP in my step I was PLEASED with my 89 miles with NO intentions of PURSUING last years goal. 

There Rachel, Andy, Rob and Sarah all circled me. I had nothing to PROVE. I could quit and be PLEASED. As I was getting ready to hit the STOP on my watch we realized something new. 

Sarah realized how close she was to second place. She had just helped me achieve me goal. It was 6:30am and more than me wanting to quit, I wanted Sarah to get her goal. 

"LET"S GO"! 

We took off running that last hill like a couple crazy ladies. My adrenaline was pumping for her. 

Top: Rachel, Sarah, Andy, 24 hours later. 

93MILES. I beat my time from last year. 

Sarah came in 2place for the woman.

Andy got 40 miles!

Antonio made it ALL night!

Joe got over 50 miles!

CONGRATS to Alex, Will, Jason, Mary, Robin, Jazz, Donny from Complete Runner. 

A BIG shout out the all the AMAZING volunteers! Coming into the aid station was something I looked forward to every loop because of their energy and the FOOD was amazing! 

SPECIAL thanks to Robs father and Joel for the amazing PHOTOS!

Sites and Selfies

GLORY To GOD! 

Anita~

THANK you to DESTINY for making my sign!