I KNOW.

You don't answer all my questions
But You hear me when I speak
You don't keep my heart from breakin'
But when it does, You weep with me
You're so close that I can feel You
When I've lost the words to pray
And though my eyes have never seen You
I've seen enough to say
I know that You are good......

I don't understand the sorrow
But You're calm within the storm
Sometime this weight is overwhelming
But I don't carry it alone
You're still close when I can't feel You
I don't have to be afraid
And though my eyes have never seen You
I've seen enough to say
I know that You are good
I know that You are kind
I know that You are so much more
Than what I leave behind
I know that I am loved
I know that I am safe
Cause even in the fire to live is Christ, to die is gain
I know that You are good....
Big DADDY WEAVE: I Know.  

This song was played at the end of the concert I went to with my sister in law and nieces on Saturday.
The words were illustrated on a large screen behind the band. "You don't answer all my questions..." From the moment I read these words the tears began to warm my cheeks.
"But Your the calm within the storm..."
No matter how positive I have tried to be the last 9 months it was a battle in the storm. He calmed my storms. He kept me safe. I never felt alone even when I was.
I had the sweetest evening. This song sings my heart. I encourage you to listen to it and read the words. Many of us are going through a storm or we have gone through one or getting ready to go through one.
When life fails you, when friends fail you or even when family fails you, and they will, you are always loved.

Winter Loops
I was enjoying my coffee at 7am when I responded to a text about running Winter Loops. Andy was registered to run this timed race. I was just planning on cheering him on for a couple hours. Within 2 minutes of answering a late text and calling my friend Melissa, I was running into the bedroom asking Andy when he was planning on leaving.
With only 2 sips of coffee down, I was scurrying around the house trying to get ready.
It was a timed race. 1.5 mile loop at either 2 hours or 4 hours. You see how many loops you can accomplish in the time you register for.
I signed up for the 2 hour.
I decided to run smart, be steady and just see what my body would let me do. I could stop at any time.
After the first loop I knew I had a problem. I hadn't gone poo-poo! My belly was cramping so bad. By the 3rd loop I was looking behind me trying to be as polite as I could as I crop dusted through the trails. I just kept running and giggling.

The trails were real icy. And very sadly, a friend of mine was actually taken to the ER. He shattered his ankle. The conditions were rough.
I had not ran this long in weeks. It was better to be safe than sorry. My thought process was (When I wasn't worrying about pooping my pants) "Well, at least I have PT in the morning, they can fix me back up!"
I wanted 10 miles but my first loop was over 20 minutes due to the congestion and me chatting with all the runners I knew.
I kept my pace pretty steady running the entire time. My knee got a little achy here and there but my energy was awesome. This made me so happy.
I was a third of a mile from the finish when the 2 hour timer went off. Thanks to Romano I ran it in rather than pout and walk it in.
I was super stoked! 10 miles and I was still up.
I stuck around to watch Andy and my CRU team come in for a couple laps. My sweat started getting to me with the shivers. I chatted with a few runners but then headed out to get coffee, and get home to go poo poo!

LIZ, PAM, ROMANO AND ANDY, ANDY, JOE, ME, ANDREA MY NEW FRIENDS, SHIRLY AND I, PAM AND LIZ AGAIN...Liz from Snow Moon Run who stayed with me, my new friend!

It was a fun day but it tuckered me out.


COLLISION: 
"You don't answer all my questions but you hear me when I speak..." I have questioned God a lot the last several months. But He answers me in His timing and in His way. 
Yesterday, He answered me by giving me 10 miles on the trails. He answers me in the little things. 
I have learned that if I don't see the little things then I will never appreciate the big things. The lil things make a BIG difference.
Grateful for my friendships. I have not been the best friend the last several months and I am very thankful for my friends loving me through it all. 

Anita~

Temper Tantrum

Have you ever seen a grown woman throw a temper tantrum? Stomp away like a big baby? Well then you missed the show today at Genesys Athletic club starring yours truly...ME!

I had such a great day.

PT at 7:30am.
I met Danielle at Dauhner Park for a hike/run.

I had so much fun on the trails with Danielle and her dog Marlin. This was a beautiful part of my day. 

I had a physical with my Dr in Oxford  and made it back to knock out painting the basement with Alec.
And with energy left I met Andy at the gym by 3:30

I should have known it was too much.

H-hungry
A-angry
L-lonely
T-tired

I was pretty much all of these when I met him, except for lonely. I am rarely lonely, even when I am alone the voices in my head always throw a party. Anyway, the combination of these elements make for a great emotional meltdown.

We were on the spin bikes. I had already rowed for 10 minutes and did 20 minutes on the elliptical with core work.
I just want to say I HATE SPIN. I SUCK at bike riding.
Andy pulled a bike over upon MY request to help me do a work out on the bike.
Within the first 5 minutes I was already sweating and it was just our "warm up".
Andy kept increasing the tension. He had me jogging off the saddle then back on but then added more tension.
I looked at him in revolt only he looked at me like "Dude, come on, pick it up candy A$$…"
Now remember, Andy never actually said this.

It was the straw that broke the camels back.
HALT
I wish I would have halted.
NOPE, Instead like a 5 year old, I jumped off the bike in the middle of the track and stomped off.
I had no idea where I was going so I just walked.
Poor Andy. He came over to me trying to figure out what happened and I barked back at him. "I was trying to keep up and you....."
Andy did what any wise husband does at that point, walked away.

I was so mad at myself. I was just mad at everything.
I needed to get back on the stupid God forsaken bike and suck it up.
I also needed to apologize. I am a stubborn fool.

I rode it out, I rode till the sweat stung my eyes and I wanted to cry.
Then I got off, went to the locker grabbed my stuff and headed to my truck.

Before I climbed into my truck I swallowed my pride and texted Andy an apology.
"I'm sorry for making a scene, I was just frustrated and hurting and you couldn't see that. I am sorry I was a brat."
Andy responded "WHO IS THIS? And what did you do with my wife.....?
I smiled.

After I had calmed down I texted him again my frustrations not with him but with myself.
The truth is I hate not being my old self. I feel so weak. All these emotions started erupting and I found myself sitting in my truck outside of Yungs Chinese sobbing. I felt vexed. Sad. Emotionally disoriented.
I can't control my body and I can't control my emotions.
This was the second time I had been a bone head and had to apologize for my actions in the last week.

I have since calmed down. I reflected on my day and was able to readjust my thoughts. I had one bad moment. And I recovered without blame shifting or deflecting.

I genuinely apologized and even confessed my embarrassment over my bratty behavior.

So this is me letting you see some "realness".

Being transparent helps me heal, recover and hopefully get better at the "apology" process. Saying sorry isn't easy for me. But knowing I hurt someone is even harder on me.

The process is painful but purposeful.

RUNDOWN:
PT: strength, balance, squats, bands 1 hour.
Run/walk: 3.5 miles
GAC: row 10min, Elliptical 20 minutes, core, legs strength, bike 20 hellashish minutes.
My biggest work out of the evening was pulling up my big girl pants and saying "I am Sorry..."

Anita~

Apologizing does not always mean that you are wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.     

Renew

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.” —J. Pierpont Morgan

Today was a perfect day to listen to a motivational speaker. Michael Cole gave our salon a private class. I always enjoy getting a little shot of inspiration, motivation and coaching.
As the morning turned to afternoon all the windows in our meeting room glowed with sunshine.
I felt myself getting distracted by the blue skies.
RUN. I wanted to try to run.

We wrapped up our session with enough inspiration to feel fulfilled.
It also left me stimulated in other ways.
Not only did I feel professionally renewed, my mind and body felt revived.
It was a good day to test out the legs.

" I will strengthen the weary and renew those who are weak. "  Jeremiah 31: 25

I am deep. I overthink, reflect and am always my worse critic. I just don't want to be the same person I was yesterday. I don't want to stay the same. I want to grow and this has been a painful process as I have been pruned, deeply cut back. To the point that my regrowth is going to take time and a lot of patience.

The Oxford dictionary defines renewal as "..the replacing or repeat of something that is worn out, run-down or broken."

OH DO I FEEL BROKEN. My body feels shattered, 20 weeks of chemo has left me confused in my own skin.
Like a ragdoll, my smile is sill there but my form is run down these days.
Oh but that sunshine, the insight and vision made me feel RENEWED.

I asked a couple people to pray for me to be able to run. I giggled inside as they just stared at me like a crazy person. I thought, no one is going to pray for you to RUN Anita, this was not a first world problem, there are poor starving children in Africa that need more prayer than you running a few miles in the woods.

RUNDOWN: 

The sun was beaming as the temperatures rose to over 40 degrees.
With my Diadora running shoes on and winter GOODR's protecting my eyes I gleefully drove into Holly Rec.
This run was either going to go really well or painfully wrong. I wouldn't know until I tried. Being Afraid and Without Action was not an option.
I likes window number 2, Afraid and Curious.
Worst case scenario, I walk it back, its a 6 mile loop.

"Easy does it killer" I told myself as my shoes sunk into the snow. I couldn't stop smiling. One mile turned into two and soon enough I realized there was no turning back. My knee wasn't perfect but it was feeling renewed, strengthened. My spirit too was being uplifted as my fear faded away.
I thanked God,  finding gratitude in everything from the brilliant white snow, the glorious sky and each step my feet landed upright.
I got excited to feel sweat trickle down my back and even laughed out loud as I slipped, my phone flailing in the snow. I wanted to run into Gods arms "Thank YOU, thank you I love this gift you have given me daddy. "

I did the whole loop. I ran everything but 2 hills, one because I slipped and peed my pants!

COLLISION:
RENEW, the replacing of something that is worn out...
Some days we feel worn out. When our bodies fail us it alters our spirit. But God gives us strength asking us to take time to recover. To rest and be patient. It is in this time, in silence that we might not hear Gods audible voice but we will HEAR his wisdom in our hearts.
I am not healed, I may never be fully healed, but everyday He is renewing me. In HIS time, In HIS way.
Today was a great day of renewal. I was recharged professionally listening to Michael Cole. He shared some rich nuggets of information. Both deep and brilliant.
I am thankful for this.
I am also very thankful for God renewing my mind, body and spirit.

Anita~

Moving Forward

I like to use the term "getting stuck on stupid". A very blunt way of saying that you are moving no where fast. Sometimes we think we are moving forward but in reality we are just moving.

Moving Forward: Booby Healing
Today I saw my breast surgeon. We discussed fat grafting in August. It is kind of a weird way of saying liposuction. They will take fat and relocate it around my implants to soften the ripples.
* You do NOT grow more fat if you gain weight. At adulthood you quit growing fat cells, however they increase and decrease in volume not quantity when you gain or lose weight.
He will have to take it from several locations. Some of the fat cells will not live, they are very fragile but most of the relocated cells will live in their new location.

Moving Forward: Physical Therapy
I just finished my third week of physical therapy for my knee. I think we are healing, just not nearly as fast as I would like. I still have pain but not constant. Sadly. I know a lot of the healing is slow due to my body still recovering from all that chemo. They say it takes up to a year to START feeling normal again. My physical therapists are great. I LOVE Clint Verrans office. They take time to work on your total well being. I had a knot in my calf this week and they worked and worked it out. They have been wanting me to run....

Moving Forward: North Oaks Brewery 5k. 

Claudia and I both won new Glasses!

GFAC (Greater Flint Athletic Club) directed a 5k pub and taco run put on by Erin O'Mara.
I don't drink but I do love tacos!
It is so fun to "Mix it up".  I stepped out of my box running with another group last night. I saw so many runners I know. Everyone was very kind. Erin was a big support to me at my fundraiser in October. I joined her running group so I could get close enough to her to say "Thank you..." While it was nice to run with all the runners and even to be able to run it was awesome too, however,  to see her meant the most. To give her my humblest thanks for barely knowing me and supporting me meant so much.
It was a beautiful night for a run, I just wish my knee would have felt better but I did get through 3.1 miles. And I won a pair of SHAMROCK GOODR's.

Moving Forward: Circles

Laughing and crying at the same time!

As I begin to heal I am reminded to keep moving forward. I didn't run today but I did go to the gym.
I did a strength workout for 20 minutes on the elliptigo, 10 minutes on the row machine and 16 minutes on the bike. It wasn't Rockstar-ish but it was my best.
Sometimes I feel like I am going in circles because I do not see results.
I am trying new things and doing the things I hate (BIKING). I biked in honor of JEFF. I could hear him in my ear calling me a "Candya$$".  I kept peddling even when the sweat burned my eyes. Andy came over to check on me as I whined more. Unsympathetic he told me to do sprints. "SPRINTS! what is that, that sounds awful, do I not look miserable enough?" I cried. Andy just laughed at me with his stupid watch timing me. "GOO GO, Faster Faster..." he barked.
It was pure misery. I cried and Andy laughed.
I am trying. I feel like a foreigner in my own body. If you have had cancer you will understand what I mean. My body just doesn't feel like mine. The physical effects the mental. My mind is a battlefield. Even though I know I am not running in circles I am learning to have faith and trust God in the process. Sometimes we do not see the work we put in, sometimes it takes time and sometimes we never see the results we want that does not mean we quit.

Moving Forward: Evolving  
I want to keep changing, growing and moving forward.
HABITS. I don't want my habits to be all about ME. I want to make a HABIT of giving back.
My body is not the only thing that fails me, my heart does too. I am trying to grow and rebuild in many ways.
I am NOT the same person I was last year. I am still trying to figure out who I am. I know who I want to be. And like training for a race I have a lot of work to do. I am excited for 2020 and all the opportunities to give back I have.
One of my mantras is "It is not about you Anita."  Learning to evolve by giving. That is the goal.

"It is through giving that you receive more than you have." 

Anita~

Snow Moon Run 25K.

“We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in.” Ernest Hemingway

Snow Moon Run 25K was just another race that I was not going to get to run due to my IT band injury.  In 15 years of racing, I have only NOT been able to run 5 races. And 3 of them have been in the last year. 

A lot  of CRU (a running club I joined) were car pooling out there. Andy suggested I drop down to the 5K.

I decided I would "WOG" it. (WALK/RUN)

I also decided to have the most amount of fun, cheering on all those that were doing what I wished I could do. Being a poor sport and tripping a few hundred runners would probably not get me a ride home from Midland. So being on my best behavior was ideal. 

I also decided I would go out in my ski pants and Sperry ducky boots. This would prevent me from getting to frisky, thinking I was a Rockstar and run. 

SNOWMOON 10K! 

An evening run in the dark. 

The trail was a icy, rutted cluster of ankle breaking divots. The trail conditions confirmed that I needed to do a slow roll. 

I was the LAST to cross the starting mat. 

Within the first half a mile I made a friend. LIZ. 

SHE had the BRIGHTEST light around her waist that I have ever seen. Almost every runner commented "WOW, that's a bright light.." 

I sang "Blinded by the light" as she joked back with the runners. 

We hit it OFF. 

I told her I couldn't run due to an injury but I liked her pace. 

I was having so much fun with Liz that I kept going after the 1st 5K loop, heading back out in my boots for another 5K with her. 

I walked most of the time only to really "wog" to catch back up to her!

I pulled ahead of her as we came into the second loop. I knew I needed to be done so I decided to have fun at the finish line. 

"ANITA HARLESS......coming in with some dance moves....." 

I came down through the pavilion whooping it up with my best dance moves, twirling, shaking and prancing to the finish with a big OLE SMILE. 

After a few minutes I headed to the fence to watch for the rest of the gang come in. Andy was racing it and I didn't want to miss him. 

A gal came up to me "Hey, I just wanted to say I loved your finish." 

I told her this race was my first DNF, (DID NOT FINISH). I continued to explain my injury adding that not being able to run wasn't a good excuse to not have fun. 

She responded saying she wished she had done that, that when she saw how happy I was she had wished she had been happier with her race but had allowed the negative to trump her experience.

"The Party is in the BACK!" 

I wasn't up front with the racers. I was in the back where most runners are not.  I was in the back being lapped by many. I could hear their heavy breathing coming from behind as they passed. I cheered almost every runner on, and some twice. 

My gang could hear me as they blazed past me cheering me on too. 

BEING CALLED TO FAITH IN THE DARK. 

Sometimes Life puts you in the dark.

Sometimes life puts you in the back. 

Grief is darkness. It is often hard to find the light when you are broken. 

I was in the back as everyone took off, all I saw were their backs as they pulled ahead. I had to make a choice. 

I could pout about how I was alone in the dark or I could enjoy the light of others and embrace what I could do making the best of it. 

LIZ was my LIGHT. Not only did she seriously have the BRIGHTEST light but her spirit shined with kindness. 

Life is not always about me. 

"You also must wait patiently, strengthening your resolve...." James 5:8

MAKROTHUMBO, is Greek for "To be a long spirit, not to lost heart, to preserve patiently. 

I am reminded to be patient in my brokenness. This time of waiting is not empty time, it is a time that I am trying to  learn and grow. 

I am so grateful that I embraced the place that I was in so I could enjoy this experience. 

IN OTHER NEWS:

I had PT today and went directly to the gym after.

Drumroll please...

I RAN 4 MILES. I was dripping sweat everywhere, it was nasty. 

Friday was my LAST RADIATION! 

This is my radiation mold, I kept the tag, tis tells the ladies how to position me. 

SPECIAL thanks to Paula for the BEAUTIFUL blanket and make-up bag. Paula works for "Better Way". 

"Better Way Designs seeks to bring dignity and hope to those who have become victims to the sex trafficking industry through the purchasing and reselling of products made by those who have been freed through the vessel of Freedom Parties."

I would love for someone to have a party, I would come and support! 

This blanket is from India. It is so SOFT! It is hand made. 

 “It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” Aristotle

Anita

Less is More

Todays wise words brought to you by Lacey. 

I do not rest well. The kind of brainless, nothing box rest is not something I am good at. 

LESS IS MORE. 

Less mopping? Less shopping? Less cooking? Less working? 

Honestly, I don't do that much of any of them these days. Life is on an easy maintenance plan. 

What I do a lot less of is RUNNING. 

The emotional damage is beginning to repair itself. I am accepting the blow and recovering with what is behind door number 2....

The consolation prize to trying to run a fast spring marathon is just getting to run in any format. 

I am trying to learn how to survive disappointment. Such a hard pill to swallow. 

Resting in the present. Accepting today. 

I keep fighting to "present" because I don't like it. Its like wearing shorts in a snowy blizzard rather than cuddle up into the fireplace with hot tea and a book. I am making the my reality more miserable than it has to be. 

I keep fighting the process of RESTING. 

I didn't rest well today but I did consciously cut things out of my agenda. 

Physical Therapy went well. Clint gave me the shock wave treatment on my IT band. Yowza! I felt it all the way through my toes. I told him I ran 4 miles on Friday, describing each mile. He was happy to see I was able to run. I expressed my concern with feeling sore after but he didn't seem too bothered, saying it was a good sign that I was even able to run. 

I explained I threw my back out on Saturday. We laughed as I added, "Andy thought I did it on purpose to get out of going to church!" It always feels so good to laugh and joke around. 

This is my last week of radiation! ONLY 4 MORE! 

My clavicle is a bit toasty and starting to blister. My breast is getting a nice red color, too bad I have NO FEELING to be able to describe how it feels. There is  a positive! 

Less is more. I am going to practice this a bit more this week, and maybe next. 

• Focus on doing less but doing it well. 
• Creating value in the little things 
• Prioritizing and learning to let go of the expectations I put on myself

I think I will start there. Resting in the Present.

"Be Still And Know I am God." 

Having more Quiet time to hear HIM. I wouldn't fight the process so much of I took more quiet time with God to feel him comfort me and speak to me.

 

I continue to be drawn to clarity and simplicity. 'Less is more' remains my mantra.STEPHANE ROLLAND

Anita~