NO EXCUSES. Suck it up.

"Believe you can and you are half way there."  

Big HUGS and thanks for Beth coming out from Goodrich to take me to radiation today and lunch. Such sweet time. 

Only 6 treatments left!

I am not giving up yet. I have now been told that I can run by 3people, 1 ortho, and 2 physical therapists. 

But I haven't ran yet. I am not confident in my abilities. I believe I can! 

I have now had 3 PT visits. One with Clint and the other 2 with another one of his therapists. Today, like yesterday my legs were tweaked, rubbed, pulled and hurtin for certain. I thought I would be good to run this evening. 

I was looking forward to running this evening with Andy and Complete Runner. I tested my legs out as I ran around the house. I ran through the kitchen, down the hall into the family room and back to the kitchen over and over.  I ran around in circles with Sheba at my heels thinking it was playtime. 

I was wishy washy about running the 5 miles through Flint. The last thing I wanted was to have to turn back around in downtown Flint. I am not that brave and I am totally not that fast! 

So I stayed home and did some more exercises. My body feels like weak sauce. CANCER SUCKS.

You are pumped with poison cancer killing chemo for weeks and think you are DONE with that last treatment....NOT TRUE. 

No one tells you that your going to experience months of body aches, cramps, fatigue and sweats. My bones snap, crackle and pop like a bowl of Rice Krispies. When I get out of bed, as soon as my feet hit the floor I wince as sharp pains shoot through my feet with every step. 

It is like your body is detoxing like a drug addict. All that chemo ends cold turkey. 

Weeks and weeks of high dosage poison...it takes a toll on you. 

If that poison makes your hair fall out within weeks, if it shuts your ovaries down, If it robs your 20/20 vision, what else do you think it does to you?? 

This was just 16 weeks ago! I have come a long way BABY!

But...I AM SO GRATEFUL for ALL of IT! I am grateful to FEEL the pain I have EVERYDAY. Because I have LIFE and I get to LIVE IT! 

"The obsession with running is really an obsession with the potential for more and more life." 

George Sheehan

Cancer is still not an excuse for me. I didn't run today because I don't think it was wise after a tough PT appointment. Now tomorrow....Tomorrow is a new day full of hope, healing and second chances. 

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference." Winston Churchill

I got that "Itchy burning feeling" BAHHAA..Radiation number 19 COMPLETE! 

Let the redness say "Hello".

I have had 19 treatments and am soooo taken back by those that have asked to take me. To come out with me for a treatment that only last 15 minutes tops. I have only gone solo 3 times. I can not say THANK YOU enough. 

"It's hard to beat a person who never gives up." Babe Ruth

 I doing the best with what I have. I am done crying, I have pulled my big girl pants back up, decided to SUCK IT UP, its a hard knock life and someone out there has it worse that I do. Get up, shut up, and show up with a smile! 

Cancer isn't an excuse. 

Be Kind.

Stay Strong.

Never Quit. 

ANITA~ 

Control your Chaos

I just want to go postal. I want my rage, my anger, my disappointments, my heartache to blaze like a dragon burning down a mountainside. 
I want to go old school ballistic, thrashing and throwing my darkness around like a ragdoll. 
Like "roid rage" I want my venom to spew. 

Riddled by unfairness and cursed with bad genetics I feel so picked on. 
I didn't know God was a bully..I quickly suck back in the thought as I say such blasphemy. 

I am just so crushed. The mind plays terrible tricks on you when your heart is wounded.

"Were YOU running?" I hear many ask. Most are genuine but I also hear the snickers....I see that twitch in your eye....

RUNNING IS my Passion. It is a passion God has given me. God allowed me to continue to run through cancer. It was my therapy. It was my quiet place. It was a piece of me that brought me joy that CANCER didn't steal.
Some pray on their knees, I like to pray through the trees.

Being injured and not being able to run is devastating. And maybe some of you struggle with this concept.  And your words have hurt. I don't understand how people would think its ok to have someone's happiness taken away.
Running is not malicious, or hurtful therefore, I do not understand how people can think it is ok to give that look to me, the look that reads "that's what you get...."

My Ortho appointment. 

Over an hour behind we patiently waited.
They took Xrays in the office. I waited for Dr. Siatczynski to recognize me from our knee history together.
AIRHEAD ANITA move.
The dr. came in looking the same as he had 10 years ago. Tall, slender and always dressed in a suit. His school boy smile reads my history connecting the data with my recent injury.
"So Anita, it is the same knee...?
"No, No its my left knee, not my bad knee" I respond
He looks up at me, down at the chart and responds confused, "..you said left knee, you mean right knee, we did surgery on your left, what do you mean by bad knee..."
I was so confused, I pulled up my pant leg looking for my scars. the problem is I have scars everywhere.
But a lot more scars on my LEFT knee! DEAR SWEET Jesus, it was my bad knee, the one I have had 2 ACL surgeries on. I think when my knee went out last week my brains felt out too.
Once we got all that chaos in order Dr. Siatczynski accessed me and addressed the issue.
I was ready to schedule surgery.
He sat back in his chair with his quirky smile and tells me "It sounds like meniscus or runners knee and possibly both..."
He talked about the care for those, the pros the cons and the plan he could offer.
Rest, physical therapy and if it doesn't get better see him in a month but he didn't think I needed surgery especially if it was meniscus.
AND then HE SAID THIS....
"..and RUN if you can."

"Deut. 33:27 "The eternal God is your dwelling place and underneath are the everlasting arms, He will drive out your enemies before you saying, Destroy them"

CONTROL your Chaos. 

A line I heard multiple times in a Netflix series I watched this week. 

I know God has been holding me together because everything inside me feels like it is giving away.

DESTROY THEM....My enemy is my thoughts. Out of a wounded heart, darkness doesn't just seep out it is errupts like a fiery volcano. 

10 months of stolen moments, broken days, sleepless nights, fearful moments erupte like molten lava. 

And those same strong and powerful arms that protected me, saved me and  healed me was reaching out to me putting my broken pieces back together again. So gentle He again rescues me. 

I need those arms to wrap around me and shelter me from myself. 

If God sets me down to rest, to Be Still, it is His design. I just need Him to help me Control my Chaos. 

Life Isn't Fair. It is a Hard Knock Life. Build a bridge Anita and Get over it. 

Special thanks to THE POWELLS. Both Joann and Carolynn Powell sent me cards this week and I received them on the same day. This is my old pastors wife and sister in law. I have felt so much LOVE from the Powells. I am very grateful for these Godly woman. 

Radiation #13 DONE! I am half way DONE! So far so good! 

Anita~

Be Kind.

"One has to be grown-up enough to realize that life is not fair; you just have to do the best you can in the situation you're in."

I feel like I have been taken out at the knees. 

Not to sound like a big baby but I am. I cried and cried last night. I cried till snot was saturating my bath towel and my eyes were bulging red. 

"Why Andy? Why?" I gurgled in between sobs. 

"Isn't a summer of chemo enough, loosing my hair, having scars all over my body, losing half my sight, my breasts, my ovaries and not to mention radiation, WHY, WHY?" I blubbered.

LIFE isn't always FAIR. 

Yesterday….

I went over to Laceys moms house to sneak in a little run with her. Lacey and her siblings have been caretaking their mother in her final days of life. 

To make it a little easier on Lacey we decided a run from her moms house would be best. 

I remember when Ariel passed away. Pastor Cliff called me and told me "YOU need to run, keep running, you have to release the serotonin...." 

Running helps you release this "feel good" hormone often calming you down and preventing you from depression or going into dark places. 

We got all dressed to run a few miles when quite suddenly the baby monitor went off and her sister went to check on their mother. 

All the siblings went into the bedroom as I waited to see how her mom was.

Her sister came out "....my mom just died..." 

I was taken back, heartbroken for them all but also knowing that they had peace with the pain. 

Several minutes later Lacey came down. She looked peaceful yet mindfully disheveled. 

I could tell she was afraid to ask...

But I knew what she needed....

She now more than ever just need to run. To clear her mind, realign her thinking and RUN. 

She asked her sisters and we decided to go for a quick 4 miler before Hospice got there. 

And we took off. The first mile chatting, releasing thoughts and settling in. 

We found a beautiful groove down the back roads of Ortonville when out of NO WHERE my right knee went out. 

I yelped like a puppy being stepped on and yelled, "My knee, I just blew my knee out....". 

We walked the mile back to her moms house. 

I could barely get into my truck. 

I knew it was something bad. I tried to act like an adult and be all tough and macho about it. 

But as the night went on so did my pain and my acceptance of the situation. 

I cried harder last night then I have cried in the last 10 months or real darn close. 

I made an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon for next week. 

I feel like I have been taken out at the knees, literally. 

I am crushed. I fell once today, I can not bend it. I have been icing it off and on all day. 

I have prayed over it, cried over it, and been sulking all day. 

I saw my plastic surgeon, Dr. Hainer today. He asked why I was limping. I told him and of course he said what everyone always says "You should take up biking...."

Here is the irony in this. Yesterday, after radiation Gay F. came up to give me a gift from her daughter Cara all the way from Waco, Texas. It was a Kindness Rock. 

All the way from Waco, Texas!

Did I miss a memo? Is God trying to tell me something and I am too stubborn to listen? 

I don't know. But this is a tough blow. Running has been such an outlet for me. 

I know my body, I know this is something significant. 

I also know by sharing this I am opening myself up to all kinds of clatter from people. 

All I ask is for you to BE KIND. If you can't be encouraging to me please please don't say anything because I am in a very dark place right now. This hurts, a lot. 

I feel so beaten up. 

Yesterday, before radiation I was talking to my brother and he was struggling. "...life sucks....." 

I replied "...no, it has moments of SUCK but life is beautiful...." 

I am being reminded of these words I spoke just hours later. 

Special thanks to Cara F. for this GORGEOUS Kindness Rock. This girl is so talented. Thank you for the LOVE, 

Anita~' 

Get out of your head.

"The difference between possible and impossible lies in a person's determination." 

Tommy Lasorda

Saturday night I worked on my Kindness Rocks. I am making them for my Chemo/Radiation Clinic. 

You know why people do not put their goals, their dreams, their crazy ideas out there?

Because then you are accountable.
Because people are lovers and there are haters.
Because some want you to succeed and some do not.
Because we do not seek God, thinking we have to do it all on our own.

Ultimately, it all falls in FEAR.

(False Evidence Appearing Real) 

To pull off qualifying for Boston:
Every run has to be intentional. Every run has a purpose. Every run scares me and makes me pee my pants a little.

Claudia called me this afternoon. Its out there. Anita is going to try to qualify for Boston.
She was very encouraging. I am grateful for friendships. "Get out of your head...…" Claudia recited in love.

I am scared shi*#$$.

Most of us don't set goals that scare us. Or goals that we might actually fail at.
We get failing and being a being failure confused. Just because you fail does NOT mean you are a failure.

We have gotten fragile. Full of excuses and short cuts.

YOU SHOULD be making goals that scare you. And be so determined to achieve them.

Wednesday Lacey and I had a last minute run. We both were tight on time and the weather was colder then a brass toilet in January.
She gave me a plan, it was going to hurt.
3 miles into the plan she changed it. I chased after her in the brutal cold faster then planned and started doubting my abilities.
I had three miles to go and she just dropped a gear.
She shouted the goal, I clenched my fists and quit whining excuses.

Thursdays Group run with Complete runner was no different. We were lighting up Flint with headlamps and Noxgear. 5 miles started out with laughs and friendly conversations about old school sitcoms. By mile 3, I couldn't carry on a conversation about Whiley The Coyote anymore than I could remember where "Alf" was from.

Sunday Runday is usually a LSD run. Andy and I went out to Indian Springs in hopes we would have a path cleared without traffic.
While they had a gal at the booth checking park passes, they didn't have anyone that dropped salt on the 8 mile path.

We did 45 second walk breaks every 6 minutes. This helped me get a little faster turnover.
THIS RUN SUCKED. We ran on a sheet of ice. After the first 7 miles, Andy decided we should pick up the pace a smidge to get a sub 10min/mi.
There was a day, not that long ago that I could do this no problem. "Ok, lead me, I will follow you..." I responded knowing this was what I needed but scared.
I pumped those pipsqueak arms and shut the voices down.
The last mile has a God forsaken hill. We skipped our walk break. DETERMINED to get our negative split I took the lead. Half way up the hill Andy was cursing me and our 9:20min/mi pace.
"SHUT up, don't take this from me, just run..." I heaved. (Said in LOVE of course!)
DETERMINED.

"Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing." 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Reign those thoughts in. Get out of your head.
Weekly Miles: 31 miles.

IN OTHER NEWS:

RADIATION: I made it through the first week! 4 more to go and so far no physical signs of the most expensive tanning booth ever!

I came home from work sneezing like a banshee. sneezing has always been the first indication that I am getting sick. I HAVE NOT GOTTEN SICK THROUGH THIS ENTIRE CANCER JOURNEY, OVER 9 MONTHS! Glory to God.
I came home and started drinking my tea and doubling up on my JUICE PLUS that was generously given to me from Joann U.

My throat was itching in the middle of the night, I got up, gargled, prayed and felt like a million bucks this morning!
Determined
Get out of your Head. 

Special Thanks to Mom, Debbie, Andy and Holly for going with me to Radiation, or meeting me for lunch after!
And Thank you for the special messages everyday...Lacey.
Thank you everyone for not getting burnt out on me.
#itsjustanothermarathon.

Anita

"Hot Date"

Philippians 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I was in good spirits today, I usually am but today I was more excited than normal.
Today, I would have my first of 25 radiation treatments.
I have been counting the days down like a little kid going to Disneyland. I am tackling this with my gloves on. I am not done fighting yet. God gave me a breather and now he's pushing back into the ring.

I had my markers tattooed a couple weeks ago and my dry run was last Friday.
244 seconds of scanning and about 6 and a half minutes of radiation, all in the same machine.
It takes me longer to dress, undress and find my keys!
My radiation is the same time Monday-Friday, 10:30am, my new "hot date".

I was able to get a loop in at Holly rec before my Hot Date. I even got my shower and lubed my body up to prepare for the burn.

The ladies were so welcoming and I was all smiles until I saw the familiar box that told me I was getting poked.

OUCH!!!!

"UGH, YUCK MOM!"

I have to have everything done on my left side now, shots, blood pressure, because I had the nodes removed on my right side. This is forever.
I did not know I had to have a blood draw. UGH. I wanted to run across the hall to the chemo room and get Deb. She is my girl. She gave me all my blood draws and the only one I trusted. But I pulled up my big girl pants and acted like I was "FINE".
Mom and Andy were with me. They weren't holding my hand but mom would have if I asked. Andy just hangs out in the doorway rolling his eyes at my goofy jokes to the male nurse. Humor relaxes me.

From there the gals brought me back to "remove everything from the waste up and put this gown on, open in the back..."

Andy wanted to come back and watch everything, they looked at me "Yeah, if that if ok with her.."
I laughed, "..yeah, he can come back!"

Within minutes, I was changed and being placed in a big tubular thing, the kind you get cat scans with. Three gals were there to assist, direct and teach me the process I would be doing for the next 5 weeks.
As I laid down, they lowered my gown to my waist exposing my chest and slowly the machine sucked me in.

244 seconds later I was brought back out where the gals were there to check on me and then back in I went for radiation.
The noise started at my feet and moved circular around my body. It sounded like a motorcycle revving up.
I just laid there and closed my eyes. I took myself out of reality. I placed my mind in a place far away, anywhere but the present. I took myself away from fears, hurts, anxiety. I wandered into a place that made me smile, a place that made me happy, a place that couldn't hurt me. I did this until like only a breath was taken I was being pulled back out again.
Radiation number 1, DONE!

I went back into my dressing room. Before I dressed, I reached into my radiation bag that I made and lubed my body back up with Bag Balm.

I met mom and Andy and we went to meet Dr, Miller, she was seeing Dr. Boike's patients while he was on vacation.

She recommended I use aloe and Aquaphor.

Radiation Side Effects:

• Skin burning, blistering
• fatigue (Your body is fighting a foreign substance) 

Most of the side effect will come later. 

Recommendations:

• Rest
• Drink lots of fluid
• Aloe, Aquaphor, constantly lathering in lotion
• Be Kind to Yourself ( this was my favorite tip given to me) 

My "Hot Date" will get hotter as time goes on. Its accumulative. 

It is important to stay positive, focusing on anything other than negativity. And even when my mind goes there finding a positive spin on it. 

Ex: My skins going to burn...."That's Ok Anita, it won't last forever...." 

And with that, We are back at it tomorrow! 

Psalm 37:4-5 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. ⁵Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:

Collison: Cat's out of the bag....

I joined  CRU. This is a group out of Complete Runner in Flint. We had our official meeting Saturday night. They had all of us tell our 2020 goals. Well....It's out there now...I am going to try to requalify for Boston. 

Shake my head. 

A girl can dream.

Truth be told I am scared to DEATH. Tears well up in my eyes I am so scared. 

Is it too lofty of a dream? 

Too hard to accomplish coming out of cancer? 

Am I being ridiculous thinking I can do such a thing? 

I can't even run a 8:30min/mi without almost throwing up. 

Only God Knows. Only God willing will I be able to pull this off. It will be His strength, His will, but my Determination. 

I am going to fight hard for this. 

Lacey has helped me get my long run up to 15 miles. SLOWWW and steady. At mile 14, I thought about this dream, we hit that last mile at a 8:30min/mi. 

It was fear and adrenaline driving me. I am going to concentrate on getting my base miles in for January. Running the best I can through radiation. But not pressuring myself or killing myself. 

February will start the real training. 

Commit to not letting your fears define your boundaries.

Anita

Push

I haven't calculated my running miles for 2019. Truth be told the last entry I put in my running journal was October 27, MCM marathon.
That was my greatest desire to accomplish last year. God kept me strong all summer through chemo for my hearts desire.
From that point, no more miles were logged and very few miles were planned. I still had a wish to run but it wasn't a burning flame.

Now I am going into 2020 at 46 years old. Ah...the thirst for a new year of goals makes my heart palpitate.

BUT first...
I start radiation Monday the 6th. 25 treatments, 5 days a week, scheduled the same time everyday, 10:30am.
Radiation is different across the board per person. I have heard some sleep for 18 hours and others are hardly phased. I have read how it is accumulative. It is very common to get burns towards the end.
It is also common for your reconstructive wounds to seep and even discontinue healing.
My dr.s wanted a few weeks after my final surgery to allow my body to heal before radiation. This is why this process was prolonged. I wanted everything yesterday. I tried to squeeze it all in as fast as I could for both insurance purposes and I wanted to put a period on this whole cancer thing for 2019.
But God is much wiser.

My boobies are still not fully healed. I have been slavering vitamin E on my incisions to get it to heal faster.
They are still taking me a lot to get used to. They are heavier. They are no longer my little ski slopes that I used to have. Now they look like lil hockey pucks. You can actually see the implants because I have no chest fat to soften the lines. But I have life and that's what matters most to me. I am very grateful.

Collision

"The one training tool I couldn't live without is my training partners. It's so much  easier to get out the door when you have someone to run with and push you on workout days." Kim Smith

*Monday: GAC, Treadmill, 4 miles, Bike 10 min. cool down.
I had to cool down because I seriously almost puked on the treadmill. I did the incline @ 1% and ran a 8:34min/mi. You would have thought to call 911 I was so red faced and hyperventilating! My sweat was sweating, my face looked like a tomato but I kept thinking of my goals.
*Wednesday: New Years Resolution 8k

Jackie, Anita and Lacey Holly Runners

Melissa, me and Lacey

Lacey and I met Melissa at the Flint YMCA. We registered when we got there. I thought we were registering for a 5K, I went into a slight panic when Lacey said "No, we are doing the 8k...."
The three of us took off together. We joked around, lollygagged and had fun until about mile 3. I noticed Lacey slowly picking up our pace. By mile 4, we lost Melissa and I was barely holding on.
I had enough energy to try and encourage this girl who was in the same boat I was in. She too was trying desperately to stay with her girlfriend.
We lost her on the final hill. Her friend too started to get winded. This is where Lacey then helped her keep her momentum and actually finish seconds before us.
Time: 45:43

TODAY: Complete Runner group run. 5miles.

Andy hung back and let me go ahead. I use this run to try to get a little faster running with those faster than me. I tucked behind Kevin and let him pace me. The poor guy barely knows me and yet had to listen to me panting for 5 miles. I so appreciated that he didn't leave me running through Flint solo!

I feel like I am finally getting into a running groove. Tomorrow is my mapping for radiation.
I pray that I can continue to keep a training consistent program.
I am thankful for those that have helped to push me, encourage me but didn't leave me behind.
I was very thankful to Kevin today. He is so much faster then me. "If you need to walk we can walk..." He would check on me, inquire on how I was doing but he never left me.

I am grateful for the PUSH! I am going to need it, especially the next 5 weeks.
So remember this, who are you helping to push to their goals?
Be an encourament to one another.

Anita~