"Training is not about torturing yourself, it is about having fun." Lornah Kipagat
Things are coming together. As tragic as it is being injured there is really a place for it. The very human part of me does not initially look at setbacks with grace and acceptance. I have to settle into it. I go through all the stages of GRIEF. Because it is literally like a loss.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: Stages of GRIEF
1: DENIAL
Grief: "This really isn't happening..."
Injury Version: It's just sore, I can run through it.
Denial protects you at first, protecting you from the punch.
2. ANGER
Grief: " Why is this happening to me?
Injury Version: "I am so frustrated, no one else seems to get injured..."
Anger shows how much you care, your passion.
3. BARGAINING
Grief: "If I do/don't do this...Maybe it will be better."
Injury Version: "I'll bring down my miles, skip speed work and get better at stretching and rolling..."
We try to control what is uncontrollable.
4. DEPRESSION
Grief: "This really hurts..."
Injury Version: "Will I ever get better, maybe this is the beginning of the end..."
This stage was me all of January, this was heavy and dark. Running does NOT define me, however, it is a sacred outlet for therapy, prayer and a rhythm of peace and comfort.
5. ACCEPTANCE
Grief: This is what it is. Now What?
Injury Version: "If this is the Lords will, I ask for peace. Healing is training too."
Acceptance doesn't mean I am in happy with my current circumstance, but it means I am down trying to maneuver my way out of it. I am done fighting truth and I am ready to listen to a voice bigger than my own.
STUBBURNESS: Exposed
When I finally owned my position of injury, when I accepted, I was part of the problem as well, things started to soften. I was NOT just a victim; I was also a contributor.
Epiphanies were sprouting.
Sometimes STUBBURNESS can be our advocate and sometimes it can be our enemy.
Sometimes it is GRIT.
Sometimes it is RESILIENCE.
Sometimes it is the holy refusal to quit.
BUT sometimes it is EGO dressed up as perseverance stamina and strength. .
I have actually caught myself bragging about how stubborn I am and until recently I have discovered that I have invited stubbornness to actually hurt me.
Stubbornness is a form of EGO.
What is beneath stubbornness: CONTROL.
Stubbornness says I WILL.
FAITH says: THY WILL.
In my stubbornness I wasn't fighting injury, I was fighting SURRENDER.
A hard and stubborn heart makes us unteachable. When I refused to listen to my body I also was not allowing the Lord to speak into me.
I wasn't being tough, I was being PROUD.
And PRIDE invites consequences. It hurts in many ways. For me, it injury my body. But it can injury your relationship with the Lord and with others.
Being stubborn is not a badge of honor. Stubbornness without surrender becomes SELF-RELIANCE.
The Lord doesn't need my grit.
He desires my OBEDIENCE.
That's a humble reminder I needed.
STUBBURNESS says "I will do whatever it takes no matter what.."
SURRENDER says "Die to self, I trust YOU Lord."
Stubbornness can look holy.
It can sound like grit.
It can even feel like strength.
But stubbornness without humility becomes resistance to correction and does not allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you. You deny access for the Holy Spirit to counsel you.
One of my ongoing prayers is asking the Lord to "Take this stony heart and give me a heart of flesh."
THE RUNDOWN:
Feb 9-Feb15th- 67.71 miles
I hit my miles for the first time!!
Saturday: 22 miles (1/2 marathon trail at the tail end of milage
Sunday: 10 miles 1/2 snowy trails
Monday: BEST RUN yet, 12 miles of Hill repeats, NO pain and a 9:20min/mi. with over 1000ft of elevation gain.
Still doing all my strength work 5 days a week. 
When I look honestly at my injury, I see places where I didn't just persevere, I insisted.
And insisting is a whisper of PRIDE. The injury didn't create stubbornness, It REVEALED it!
And once revealed, I had a choice:
DEFEND it and Die on that Mountain.
Or SURRENDER it. Let it go and seek the Lord in obedience.
Not MY Will
but THY WILL.
Healing begins to happen in softening soil.
THIS WEEK wasn't strong because I pushed harder. Honestly, when it came to the race, we were the last to cross the starting mats and some of the last to cross the finish mats too! It was strong because I listened to surrender. And maybe that's the kind of stubbornness worth keeping: the kind that is stubborn about obedience not EGO.
Special THANK YOU to RUNNIN GEAR! I lost one shoe of my new shoes I purchased in January from Runnin Gear and they gave me a brand new pair, and a JESUS.
If you need shoes, walking, running or gear, they will take great care of you.
In Peace, Not Pieces,
Anita
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