Holy Grit or Hidden Pride? Exposed.

"Training is not about torturing yourself, it is about having fun." Lornah Kipagat

Things are coming together. As tragic as it is being injured there is really a place for it. The very human part of me does not initially look at setbacks with grace and acceptance. I have to settle into it. I go through all the stages of GRIEF. Because it is literally like a loss. 

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: Stages of GRIEF

1: DENIAL

Grief: "This really isn't happening..." 

Injury Version: It's just sore, I can run through it. 

Denial protects you at first, protecting you from the punch. 

2. ANGER

Grief: " Why is this happening to me?

Injury Version: "I am so frustrated, no one else seems to get injured..."

Anger shows how much you care, your passion. 

3. BARGAINING

Grief: "If I do/don't do this...Maybe it will be better."

Injury Version: "I'll bring down my miles, skip speed work and get better at stretching and rolling..."

We try to control what is uncontrollable. 

4. DEPRESSION

Grief: "This really hurts..." 

Injury Version: "Will I ever get better, maybe this is the beginning of the end..." 

This stage was me all of January, this was heavy and dark. Running does NOT define me, however, it is a sacred outlet for therapy, prayer and a rhythm of peace and comfort. 

5. ACCEPTANCE

Grief: This is what it is. Now What? 

Injury Version:  "If this is the Lords will, I ask for peace.  Healing is training too." 

Acceptance doesn't mean I am in happy with my current circumstance, but it means I am down trying to maneuver my way out of it. I am done fighting truth and I am ready to listen to a voice bigger than my own. 

STUBBURNESS: Exposed

When I finally owned my position of injury, when I accepted, I was part of the problem as well, things started to soften. I was NOT just a victim; I was also a contributor. 

Epiphanies were sprouting. 

Sometimes STUBBURNESS can be our advocate and sometimes it can be our enemy. 

Sometimes it is GRIT.

Sometimes it is RESILIENCE.

Sometimes it is the holy refusal to quit. 

BUT sometimes it is EGO dressed up as perseverance stamina and strength. .

I have actually caught myself bragging about how stubborn I am and until recently I have discovered that I have invited stubbornness to actually hurt me. 

Stubbornness is a form of EGO. 

What is beneath stubbornness: CONTROL. 

Stubbornness says I WILL. 

FAITH says: THY WILL. 

In my stubbornness I wasn't fighting injury, I was fighting SURRENDER. 

A hard and stubborn heart makes us unteachable. When I refused to listen to my body I also was not allowing the Lord to speak into me. 

I wasn't being tough, I was being PROUD. 

And PRIDE invites consequences. It hurts in many ways. For me, it injury my body. But it can injury your relationship with the Lord and with others. 

Being stubborn is not a badge of honor. Stubbornness without surrender becomes SELF-RELIANCE.

The Lord doesn't need my grit. 

He desires my OBEDIENCE. 

That's a humble reminder I needed. 

STUBBURNESS says "I will do whatever it takes no matter what.." 

SURRENDER says "Die to self, I trust YOU Lord."

Stubbornness can look holy.

It can sound like grit.

It can even feel like strength. 

But stubbornness without humility becomes resistance to correction and does not allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you. You deny access for the Holy Spirit to counsel you. 

One of my ongoing prayers is asking the Lord to "Take this stony heart and give me a heart of flesh." 

THE RUNDOWN:

Feb 9-Feb15th- 67.71 miles

I hit my miles for the first time!! 

Saturday: 22 miles (1/2 marathon trail at the tail end of milage

Sunday: 10 miles 1/2 snowy trails

Monday: BEST RUN yet, 12 miles of Hill repeats, NO pain and a 9:20min/mi. with over 1000ft of elevation gain. 

Still doing all my strength work 5 days a week. 

When I look honestly at my injury, I see places where I didn't just persevere, I insisted. 

And insisting is a whisper of PRIDE. The injury didn't create stubbornness, It REVEALED it! 

And once revealed, I had a choice:

DEFEND it and Die on that Mountain.

Or SURRENDER it. Let it go and seek the Lord in obedience. 

Not MY Will 

but THY WILL. 

Healing begins to happen in softening soil. 

 

THIS WEEK wasn't strong because I pushed harder. Honestly, when it came to the race, we were the last to cross the starting mats and some of the last to cross the finish mats too! It was strong because I listened to surrender. And maybe that's the kind of stubbornness worth keeping: the kind that is stubborn about obedience not EGO. 

Special THANK YOU to RUNNIN GEAR! I lost one shoe of my new shoes I purchased in January from Runnin Gear and they gave me a brand new pair, and a JESUS. 

If you need shoes, walking, running or gear, they will take great care of you. 

In Peace, Not Pieces, 

Anita

Forward is still Forward

 

From Crawling to running, there is PROGRESS! 

I am on track with my training, but not because I powered through... Apparently, I am not good at reading a training plan, I mistakenly calculated a week wrong in my favor! 

I spent way too much time staring at the plan, the calendar and counting weeks. I was erasing, rewriting, revisiting and feeling like my brains were about to explode in confusion. Confusion turned to disbelief then disbelief turned to joy. 

"You are going to be fine in 4 weeks..." I heard echoing from each professional I saw and as I recalibrated my plan I was grinning with gratitude. I wanted to hand out high fives to all of them at that moment. 

More than that, I am standing in humble posture, recognizing that the Lord is restoring me, slowly, in His timing, intentionally, and far better than I would have scripted. 

I am choosing to honor the slow healing with encouragement for the little things. The little things are adding up one mile at a time. 

This Weekend Proved That

I got my long run in: 19 miles Saturday, 12 miles Sunday, and I started this week with 13 trail miles. My body held together better than duct tape. I held my thoughts captive convincing myself of positivity and self-discipline.  Every mile I wanted to dance as much as I was running to celebrate! 

 THE LONG RUN: Two stupid things in one day!

Saturdays long run had a deadline because I was scheduled for a 1pm Polar Plunge supporting Special Olympics. I wanted 19-20 miles before I jumped in the icy lake I showed up early at the Moose Lodge to start my run and a friend would join me in the stupid decisions for the back half of my run and the plunge. 

It was 19', the roads barely had a shoulder to run, and the sky was bright blue, but the cold was bitter. But somehow the cocktail worked, I ran rather comfortable. I was mostly excited that I made it through 19 outdoor miles without freezing or getting hit by a car. 

So, the outdoor miles and jumping in a lake wearing a bright orange TUTU might not be on most people's list for the day, or maybe even lifetime but I was actually secretly excited about both of them. 

And the Polar Plunge had crazy energy and hype. And if I am being honest, it was actually a lot of fun and I didn't die. The water was over my head, but it was actually WARMER than the outdoor air! 

I got to run all over again the next day at Indian Springs with 7 incredible women. Most of them are like me, over 50 and still trying to compete with our younger selves. We laughed, encouraged one another, listened, cut up and just enjoyed playing outside together. 

RUNDOWN:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

MONDAY: The run I feared. 

Today was a run I had been avoiding for 2 weeks, TRAILS. 

I knew I had to get back on the trails, but I had a dozen excuses that I needed to combat. 

The trails at Holly Rec, Wilderness trail a rolling 6-mile loop. I had convinced myself it was going to be disaster. Funny how our minds hijack us into defeat before we even start.

I had to take several thoughts captive. Flip the script. Override the lies. Even at 52, with insecurities that try to settle in, I had to battle not to listen. 

"Take every thought captive to obey Christ..." 2 Cor. 10:5

I am who He says I am. 

And it couldn't have been more perfect. 13 miles. 6 with a friend, seven solo. Strong. Steady. Free. 

When my run becomes a crawl...Or when life becomes a crawl, we remind ourselves: 

FORWARD is still FORWARD. 

The Lord wants to do a work in us, but he also wants us to do some work also. I still have a lot of work to do, but I am so grateful He trusts me to do it. 

Slow healing. BIG joy. God is Faithful. Day by Day. Mile by Mile. 

Special THANK YOU to Sailfish Pools and Parkers Hilltop for generous donations. And thank you to ALL who donated to me for Special Olympics. 

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita

Momentum over Perfection

"You don't have to be extreme, just consistent." Kara Goucher

Last October was the beginning of the end. 

November was acknowledging there was a significant problem, injury was no longer denied. 

December was letting my body recover and seeing professionals for an actual diagnosis. 

I saw Dana Anderson a chiropractor, he informed me I had a back problem.

I saw my primary who sent me for x-rays and Pt.

I saw the PT at my athletic club who also confirmed it was a back problem. 

I did 4 weeks of PT 3 days a week at 80$ a pop! out of pocket. I felt more broke when I finished!

I prayed. Like anyone in desperation. I thought surely the Lord was sick of hearing from me. And to pray over my running...I wondered if the Lord was eye rolling at my requests as He was taking care of world catastrophes. 

All the professionals gave me HOPE and ENCOURAGMENT. Each saying "If you do everything we say, you will be up and running WSR in June is no problem. 

And yet I felt so hopeless and depressed. 

Fear was infiltrating me faster than hope. 

I couldn't tie my shoes, I couldn't pick my legs up to go into a run position, I couldn't sit for long periods, and I was in constant pain. 

Between my back, my piriformis and my sciatica, the drama of life, pain was speaking loudly and the winter blues were a sure calling. 

Stepping in February

• My fitness isn't on point, but my injury is about 90% healed. 
• I have a 100K at the end of April, this will be my first test of what Western States training will look like. 
• I started in the back for training, so far behind I couldn't even look at the plan. When I finally did in the beginning of January ONE thing was clear- momentum matters more than perfection. 

So I knew I just had to start showing up in ANY capacity, and at that point it was mostly MENTAL. The Mind has to direct you, that is our first discipline. 

• I allowed myself to embrace every mile with celebration and gratitude.

Yesterday, I allowed myself to literally do a Happy Dance! I finished my 3rd-double digit running day in a row for the first time in months. I was able to get my first 60 mile run week since last fall. 

Intentionally Rebuilding

• No chasing SPEED.
• No worrying about hills or elevation.
• Just laying down base miles and slowly rebuilding endurance. 

The real work is happening in the shadows of the run:

• Daily physical therapy exercises (the unglamorous but necessary work)
• Massage (not so relaxing kind)
• Compression boots Andy got me-30 minutes every day (absolute GAME CHANGER)
• MSM Powder my friend Lynn gave me. This VILE powder has been undeniably helpful for muscular recovery. I should be significantly sore with my increasing milage but I am NOT!

RUNDOWN: Behind 

Saturday: 18 miles

Sunday: 10 miles

Monday: 12 miles

Yesterday, was a solo run, a total mental game. I knew my strength had to come from my mind more than my legs. We had another snow alert and with 6 more weeks of winter I was cursing the groundhog. This season is teaching me something deeper than training:

• Pain leaves us vulnerable
• Vulnerability requires safe places
• FAITH calls us to stay encouraged by the little things and motivated by the milestones

This isn't about perfect training. It is about PROTECTING my headspace. It's about GRATITUDE-for every mile, every exercise, and every sign of healing. 

If your feeling behind, weary, or unsure, know this: God honors FORWARD MOTION, NOT perfection. Keep showing up with what you have today-The Lord will meet you right where you are at and carry the rest. 

Faithfulness is never wasted. 

"Let us grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up." Gal: 6:9

In Peace, Not pieces,

Anita