Holding Onto Hope

 

"Sometimes success is just getting to the starting line healthy and believing you belong there." 

Des Linden 

For many, December is a month filled with anticipation and joy. For me, it carries weight. This past December, I turned 52, the same age my mom was when she overdosed and died, December 8th.

That monumental milestone landed heavier than expected and quietly pulled me into a disguised depression. That's a lot of years to not have a mother. 

While the world glowed with holiday cheer, for some of us we have a private battle raging inside. You learn to show up, smile, and perform, because heaven forbid grief makes others uncomfortable. Yet grief doesn't follow a timeline. It resurfaces in moments and milestones, in movies and in music. No matter how much time has passed, like over 30 years, this year turning 52 brought that sharp loss back into focus. I missed my mother's phone calls, even if they were dysfunctional. 

A old friend of mine lost her son one year ago. In her grief, Kris shared that it felt like nobody really cares. I tried to comfort her, even as I understood the ache behind her words. Some losses are not something we "get over". We simply learn how to carry them. 

INSULT added to INJURY

Being injured and another year older doesn't help. 

And the daily noise of life can feel like insult added to injury. But a quick trip to see my siblings in Florida lifted my spirits in a mighty way. 

Progress with the Piriformis.

I have been in physical therapy for nearly 3 weeks now, working through a back issue that has affected both my running and my confidence. For the FIRST time since October, I ran over 45 miles!! This included a 15-mile-long run on Saturday, my longest run in months! I felt a lil stronger, more hopeful, a little faster and best of all, I didn't have lingering pain afterward. The PT's have been encouraging and confident that I'll be ready to roll come Western States. I have a 100K in April, and while I am a couple weeks behind, I am choosing to build slowly and wisely. 

I am 13 miles behind Hal Koerners plan for me. But progress weighs in more than perfection. I am learning to rest in what was accomplished rather than obsess over what wasn't. 

THE RUNDOWN

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

I read this and am encouraged the Lord is taking care of me both emotionally and physically. 

I am clinging to HOPE. Hals Training plan says 68 miles, which is NOT happening this coming week, But I am prayerfully aiming for 50. I have PT 3 times with week...If it doesn't financially break me. I'm already broken I don't need help there!

Winter has a way of slowing everything down. The days are darker. The body is tired. The soul feels heavier. But WINTER is not wasted time I keep telling myself. Beneath the frozen ground, roots are strengthening. Healing is happening even when growth isn't visible. 

 Faith, like endurance grows when we keep showing up. 

Here is to Holding onto Hope. 

Weekly miles: 45

Monday: 14miles

Wednesday: 3 miles

Thursday: 6 miles

Saturday: 15miles

Sunday: 6 miles

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita