Stepping Down

 "Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act." Dr. Seuss

Frozen. I was a ICE CUBE. 

Sometimes we have to go backwards to go forwards. We need to practice the pause before we dive in full speed ahead. 

Life is crazy. It is a rat race out there. 

Obstacles.

Distractions.

Obstructions. 

Interruptions. 

We are all trying to find balance. 

I keep life down. I think it is important for me to just settle into a pace I can maintain. When I pick up the pace in life, I say things that are more absurd than my normal garble, get overwhelmed, feel defeated and get depleted. 

When I overextend my energy, I get burn out, misbehave or have mishaps.  These unfortunate responses lead me into the hurt locker, never a fun season.  

I enjoyed a running date Andy at Kensington last week. 

"Anyone can work hard. The best have the discipline to recover." 

Lauren Fleshman

Running isn't much different. That is why I chose to do a step-down week to recover. 

I can't say I'm the best, but I can say I am trying my best.  

My body was tired. 

My right shin was giving me some trouble. 

My piriformis is angry from strength training. 

And I am so sore, this 49 year old body is feeling beat up.  

I have had several 50-60 mile weeks. 

I usually take 2 days completely off but this week I took 3 days off and LOVED it! 

I knew I needed to preserve the balance of stressing out my body and recovering it. 

If you do not recover properly after training hard despite what you think, you will not get any faster and only make yourself more injury prone. 

Taking a step-down week can help you keep injury at bay by allowing your body to recover and repair micro tears and damaged tissue. 

A small decrease of 10-15% can be monumental. It might not seem like a lot, but a little bit makes a BIG difference. 

A down week helps keep me mentally as well. I want to LOVE running. I am so blessed to be able to run that I want to do it with ZEAL. I want to run as I am running onto the Lord. I want my passion for running to give God Glory. 

In everything I want to honor HIM. 

That means I have to have BALANCE. When running gets out of balance I have to question my "WHY". 

Running has to have proper order. 

Running should never be at the mantle of my heart, that is only for HIM. 

RUNDOWN:

I thought if we get started early enough, we would be able to dodge the sleet and rain scheduled at 10am. 

My running partners met at 7:45 at Rose Oaks. It is a perfect time for me to get up, get into The Word, pray and start the day. 

As smooth as the morning went it didn't take long for my morning to take a dive. Or maybe it was me that took the dive! Not even a mile into the run I slid on a ice patch and hit the ground like a sack of bricks! It was an ugly stumble. I literally laid there for a few seconds trying to make sure everything was still connected. 

We hit our first loop casual, at a conversational pace but that second loop we dropped a gear. 

I didn't even realize it was happening. I just followed the pace and never looked at my watch. 

I didn't want to get in my head. 

"Ohh, your going to be mad..." my running partner commented after mile 12.

"Don't tell me, I am just gonna keep running, I don't want to know." I replied. 

In the silence of my breathing and my feet hitting the pavement I thought to myself, "you gotta stay out of your head." 

As soon as you own your fears, your Fears OWN YOU. 

They become your narrative. I knew roughly what our pace was, I chose to be encouraged by the prospect of finishing strong. Even if I couldn't carry that pace in, I was going to give it a valiant effort. 

And know I didn't let fear hold me back. You don't know what you can do unless you just do it! 

We hit mile 13 and the wind kicked up, sleet began pelting us in the face, my clothes were soaked but I was still holding pace even in misery. 

When we hit the dirt road, everything was freezing. The road was a sheet of ice. We were now running in all the areas we were avoiding in the beginning of our run. We slowed our pace down but we were fighting harder to stay upright. 

We made it in without falling. We finished miserable, but glorious. I got in my car and never looked at my watch, I just knew, I gave God all the Glory. 

 

In Peace, not Pieces,

Anita

My "WHY", my inner child

 

It goes back many years now.

that little brown eyed girl.

her eyes shallow with fear,

her skin pale with innocence. 

dressed for the part but apart from it all. 

it goes back to That little girl. 

aware of the dysfunction

aware of the disconnect

aware of the disorder

aware of a disease.

it goes so far back before a conversation. 

not understanding

not comprehending

not at a place of security

and FAR from a place of peace. 

it goes back to a time undetermined.

it was a time of longing

it was a time of seeking

it was a time before GOD

it was a time of nothingness. 

it started with innocence removed

with security stripped away

with the noise of disorder

with the silence of depression

with my voice muffled but my heart screaming. 

it goes back to the inner Child

that small child begging for her mom to fight

that child pleading for her mother to not give up

that small child holding HER mother up each time she fell.

I learned to fight because i wanted my mother to. 

I learned to persevere because i needed my mother to.

I learned to be strong to take care of my broken heart.

losing your mom at 18 was hard, devastating. 

losing your mother to an overdose from addiction is a wound never healed

that inner Child is restless.

she was left with the insecurity of not being "enough"

an orphaned heart abandoned by addiction 

my WHY.

to fight the good fight.

that is where i found GOD

broken in a million pieces

a mess of confusion and conflict

on my knees

tear stained cheeks

ready to fight the world for redemption.

BUT GOD

He never took the fight out of me.

He just redirected it

my WHY isn't always Godly.

sometimes my WHY is still wanting the approval of a mom so far gone

sometimes wanting to hear the whisper of her telling me she is proud of me

sometimes i find myself listening quietly for " i love you anita", i am proud of you daughter". 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From the outside looking in people create their own canvas of others. 

Sunday, I ran a 4-hour event and took 1st place female. It wasn't because I am anything special. It is truly by the grace of GOD. I give Him all the glory. The first-place male came up to me with the BIGGEST smile, "ANITA, Anita, you are a legend..." He was so kind, repeating it again with his Hispanic accent. I found myself blushing. I thought about my WHY. 

I watched a reality show called "Special Forces". As I watched the celebrities' performing tasks, I would find my hands clenched, inspired and annoyed by the celebrities. 

The celebrities undergo a lot of physical and emotional torment. When one of the celebrities is under scrutiny the trainers bring them in and ask them this, "WHAT IS YOUR WHY?" 

This question struck home for me as I pondered it for days. 

"WHATS YOUR 'WHY' ANITA?"

"WHY ARE YOU HERE, DOING WHAT YOUR DOING?" 

The tip of the iceberg is all I have revealed. It has been very therapeutic for me to write it out. There is much more below the surface. 

But when seeking God for an understanding greater than mine I have humbly recognized my 49 year old self still missing the affection of not just her mother but also her father. 

Still missing the affirmation. 

Still missing the compassion. 

Still missing the forgiveness.

And yes, even the pride of a parent. 

My WHY is never giving up like I felt they did. I couldn't fight for my parents, fight their fight. If I could have fought for them in hopes of saving them from addiction I would have fought all of hell, trust me, I tried. 

• 2 Chronicles 15:7 "But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded." 
• Gal. 6:9 " And let us not grow weary in well doing, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." 
• 2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 

In Peace, Not Pieces, 

Anita~

Sticky Notes.

I have these dreams, visions of adventures I want to do. The clock is ticking, and I am not getting any younger. My little heart beats with passion and excitement but can my body keep up? 

My soul is wild and free and by the grace of God I get to live it out. 

Every day is a gift. 

Will I have tomorrow? Will I have next week? Will I have regrets? 

I will have regrets but with every breath I will live this life out wild and free. 

 I have fears. The things that make me tremble. The tremble that excites, the tremble that ignites the passion of living life with boldness, with love, with forgiveness, with zeal and with inspiration. Living life with humility accepting the failures, the mishaps, the misdirection's as part of my make up. Not proudly but humbly in reverence to my God. 

Sticky Notes: 

After getting cancer I was reminded life is made of moments and all those moments matter. 

Those moments make us who we are. 

We shouldn't have a life full of sticky notes that coIlect dust. We need to plan on making them happen! 

Which brings me to a 3-year Sticky Note. 

3-year Sticky Note: 

The Grand Canyon. An adventure I listened to many years ago from a friend of mine, Holly P. Hollys father hiked the canyon every year. I was always in awe of his courage and strength to hike the depths of the canyon well into his 60's and even 70's. 

3 years ago, we put in for the lottery to backpack it. I have never backpacked. We put in 6 tickets. But no one got in. 

But Andy got in, without me. His 30-year friends planned a guy's trip, and all went. 

But my sticky notes still held that adventure. 

Andy came home with a stronger desire to take me there. So we tried again in January to get in for May. Nothing, a no go. 

Feeling defeated but with a glimmer of hope we put in again in February knowing this would be out last try before the heat would be unbearable in June. (You put in 6 months to the date you want to go.) 

AND I GOT the EMAIL! 

3 Year Sticky NOTE, 3rd times a charm!!! 

Leaning on Andy. 

YEAH Buddy we are going to the Grand Canyon!! 

3 days, 2 nights hiking with a 40lb backpack. Another kind of training! 

Just the two of us. Together we have learned how much stronger we are in our weaknesses. Getting cancer taught me to let Andy take care of me. It humbled me. I learned to lean on him the way the Lord designed. Pride prevented me from letting Andy take care of me. We have learned to lean on one another. I love leaning on him. 

When Andy talks about his experience I am hanging onto every word. I love hearing him talk about the plan. "Andy, can I carry the pack?" I ask with concern. 

"Don't worry we will train, and I will help you, you will be fine." 

We have to give ourselves permission to live a BIG LIFE. Stepping into yourself. Stop living life little, because you are meant for greater things! 

SNOWMOON 25K: Share Your Light

"For you light my lamp, The Lord my God illuminates my darkness."  Psalm 18:28

Saturday night a group of us from Complete Runner drove out to Midland for our favorite winter night run. I never RACE this because the trail is usually a frozen, icy, snowy mess. It is a great way to get my miles in, have fun with friends but not risk injury racing. 

This year I started laughing and carrying on with my friends but somehow, I pulled ahead and lost them before the first loop, a 3-mile loop I would have to run 5 times for the 25K. My light wasn't working great so I tucked in behind 2 runners to run in their light. Thats when I saw these long bare legs that looked like Andys. I know those legs even in the dark! I took me about a half a mile to catch up to him. 

Andy was surprised to see me and tried to encourage me to race it, "GO Anita, Run it" But I responded the same way about a half a dozen times, "NO! I am not racing it!" I ran a few feet in front of Andy so he could use my light. My eyes adjusted and I forgot I had another light on my jacket! I ran with him for his 15K and had to finish the last 2 loops solo. It was a little lonely but I encouraged every runner I passed and every runner who passed me! 

Funny how I played it forward with my LIGHT! 

Let your light shine! Someone needs your light, even when you think your light is dim, someone out there still needs your light! 

ALL advice is encouraged!!! Please share!! 

I prayed over every admission. I pray big, I pray bold, and I pray knowing God is good even when He delivers a NO. 

In Peace, Not Pieces

Anita 

Mastering My Temptations

“We won’t be distracted by comparison if we are captivated with purpose.” – Bob Goff

Master our Temptation.  Comparison

Running or any competitive sports can tempt you to compare your abilities to other athletes. In the running world there is a very popular ap called "STRAVA". Strava is like a Facebook for athletes. It is a social network that connects runners, biker's, hikers and compiles their data. It is wonderful for logging your runs and all the data that is connected to your activity. 

Truth, is I locked my Strava down. I rarely go on but when I did I found myself scrolling through my Strava feed comparing or coveting, although more than often I encouraged and edified others.  But also, I hid myself from everyone as I began to hear whispers about my own unconventional training. 

My training doesn't make sense to most people. 

All my injuries and recoveries allow people to mumble. The Lord has redeemed me and gifted me in ways that just doesn't make sense to most. I have had 2 ACL surgeries, and meniscus, IT Band injuries, Plantar fascia, and HEY let's go ahead and add an aggressive breast cancer to the mix. And yet I still run at 49 with zeal. The running community is very encouraging, and it is also very competitive. 

Words hurt and whispers damage. I don't recover as well from the whispers as I do the injuries. When I got cancer, I struggled with many demons. I found myself broken in many ways and cancer just brought them all to the surface. 

I had to learn to master my temptations and to stay in my own lane. I had to withdrawal from the audience of all. The only audience I needed with the Audience of ONE. 

I needed His Blessing. 

I needed His Direction. 

I needed His Protection. 

I needed His Clarity, His Grace and Mercy. 

Temptations of Endurance and Grit. 

Pride and Ego a deceiving duo. 

Just because we can endure does not mean we have to. I find myself gritting my teeth and digging my heels in determined to not give up. I am by nature a fighter. 

That is often me just getting "Stuck on Stupid". 

It's me dancing with Pride and Ego. 

It is me looking at the things of earth too long. 

When I surrender to this duo, I am free to LET GO. Saturday, I had a long run, 20 miles planned. The conditions outside were miserable. A consistent 14mph wind mixed with a below zero windchill opened up many options for quitting. I have no big race I am training for right now, so it was no wonder I was struggling with enduring.

It was a FUN RUN. I headed out to start running with Rachel, we ran to pick up Lacey where we ran together and dropped off Rachel and picked up Andy. The three of us headed out and picked up Melissa and dropped both her and Lacey off where Andy and I headed back towards home alone. Thats when "play time" ended. Together we headed out for our last 5 miles back to the car. From there I would run 2 miles home solo. BUT we hit a head wind on Fish Lake that took years off our life. Rachel actually came out to find us and offer us an escape. We declined reluctantly and hunkered down into the wind. 

By the time we made it to the car I was at mile 18 and my temptation was no longer to GRIT it out. "Andy, if you go get coffee, you could easily convince me to quit running home."

WHY? Why did I have to run home anyway? 

Short term success is sometimes ultimate FAILURE. Running 20 miles in miserable weather was no more than EGO. You can do a good thing the wrong way and that becomes a problem. What's the point of killing myself to run long when I don't need to? I was letting my motives matter more than the mission. I was letting the pride of numbers get the best of me. 

I saw Andy on the side of the road with hot coffee and called it in! 

RUNDOWN: 

Weekly Miles: 57 miles. 

Hours Running: 10H

Elevation: 2,223

All information calculated from STRAVA! 

Our worst enemy doesn't live outside the gates, but inside our head. Learning to identify our temptations will lead us to managing them rather than our temptations managing US.  

Comparison and Pride in the world of athleticism are very common. Recognizing your blind spots before they have power over you can be painful. I share my defects as a gift from the Lord. My popularity ratings will mean nothing on the other side of eternity. The Audience of ONE. 

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita~

"Woe unto them that are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight." Is. 5:21