God Wink

I miss your phone calls.
I miss touching your hair, giving you encouragement, counsel, and an ear to listen.
I miss you LOVING me like I was the most special thing in your world.
I miss feeling so special to you.
I miss hearing that one time your trusted yourself and me to say "I love YOU."
I miss wiping your tears, rubbing your back and watching movies on the couch.
I miss you Ariel, I miss my baby girl so much.

God, I hate that I can not even feel or describe my love and longing for you knowing that someone is going to criticize me for it.

I had a 15 year old today actually say, "I am sorry, I hope you are OK"

Sometimes, I need a hug. Sometimes, I need someone to just say, "I am sorry".

I hug people every week, I get text messages from people hurting EVERY DAY. I send cards to encourage people, but when I cry, everyone runs. I have actually had people say I shouldn't grieve because I am not her mother. I suck it up 90% of the time ashamed of my feelings.

Tomorrow is Ariels birthday. It has been just 2 1/2 years since the accident. I wonder if it will ever get better on so many days.

GOD WINK...The strange phenomena that happens without explanation...

Every year, I buy her a birthday gift.
Today, I was planning on buying her a tree. A gift that would be so beautiful. It would continue to grow reminding me of my love for her and her love for me. I didn't know what kind of tree. I would know it when I saw it.

Before going to Bordines to look for her gift, I went shopping.
In my running clothes, I headed to Twelve Oakes Mall. They have a new Athleta.
I had several things in the dressing room. I found the cutest long dress. I tried to put it on and got all tangled in the straps. I started laughing at my profile in the mirror. One hand was bent over my head, the other hand was stuck against my side, the dress was all cockeyed and I couldn't move. I wiggled and squirmed then gave up. It was a workout  trying to back track- back out of the straight jacket. After getting it off, I looked at the size again and started crying. It was named "ARIEL".
I had to laugh through the tears. I wanted the dress so bad but it was 100$.  I still had to buy her birthday present and I wanted to spare no expense.
Leaving Novi, I headed toward home. AMY, my old neighbor posted a Note on my FB wall. I started to read it and couldn't make it through 2 sentences.
I tried multiple times only to be weeping in the car.
When I picked up Alec at school he said "Mom, have you been crying?"
"Yes, I am having one of those days hunny, I am sorry."

I tried to read Amys post again and couldn't. HOW DID she KNOW I was STRUGGLING? HOW did SHE KNOW TO POST THAT TODAY?? Why does she think of me? I am so thankful she hugged my with her thoughtfulness.

At Bordines, I headed to the trees. I hoped the perfect tree would stand out. Up and down the aisles I studied the trees.
THEN..There she was a CHERRY TREE. Tears streamed down my face. That was it, A CHERRY TREE. Ariel would go with me every summer to pick berries. The last time I picked cherries was with just her at Spicers. She would shimmy her bootie way up in to the trees, picking me cherries.
The poor guy helping me had no idea the emotional pond he was diving into.

I had several God Winks today.
I am grateful for Amy for loving on me.
I am grateful for God getting me all "Tangled" in "Ariel" today. It was the tightest hug I could have asked for.
I am Grateful for my memories of cherry picking with Ariel, these memories lead me to her perfect birthday gift.

I miss her, sometimes as special as the amazing memories I have of her, these memories break my heart all the same. My life is so different without her. There is such a void. I am reminded of the love she gave me, the love no one will ever be able to replace. I really miss her love.


RUNDOWN:
8 great miles with DANIELLE! I missed my running partner. We did a near perfect progressive run. I love that girl!

Anita