I got dressed, put on my compression socks and quickly rushed out the door. When I pulled into Panera to meet Danielle I quickly realized I rushed out the door in my SLIDES!! Running was really NOT an option at this point. However, laughing at myself was!
I have had a really bad year. I have had a really bad last couple of months. But I have had a REALLY REALLY bad last couple of days.
There was a day I used to beg God to relieve me of my miserable existence. A day when I could not control my surroundings. A day when I had no one to trust. When the very people who loved you hurt you.
There was a time I saw terrible terrible things. A time terrible things happened to me. Things you don't talk about. Things you don't think about.
There was a time I did things I am not proud of. Things I don't talk about. Things I don't think about.
"Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. " Romans 12:17
I have been in ugly battles. I have learned how to fight dirty and clean. I grew up in a trailer park with an alcoholic mom and every stereotype you can think of is a description of me. I am Mexican and Irish. At 110 lbs I learned very quickly how to fight. I learned watching my uncles beat up on everyone. My brother mainly taught me to fight. He would constantly make me spar with him. And if you didn't... he beat you up till you had to fight back and fight back dirty. He knew I had an awful temper and he would push me to my limit. I once took a glass coke bottle across my sisters face when we were 15 out of anger. I busted out her 2 bottom teeth. I am not proud of that, That was the old me.
I boxed for 3 years. And I loved it. I loved putting my hands in those gloves. The way the leather smelled soaked in sweat, the sound of my fists hitting the bag. I would come to the gym enraged at life, embittered and angry ready to go rounds. I would come home with bloody knuckles and fat lips.
And my mouth. I could tear you apart with my tongue.
I used to work at a Coney. My boss sold me out. She was my friend first...so I thought. I happened to drive by work one day and noticed all the other employees were there when the place was closed. I decided to just pulled up and went in. She came after me with her finger in my face. All I had said was "What is this??". She came back talking all white trash. Only she forgot we came from the same trailer park. I lost it. I took my arm across the bar and threw every barstool at her. She didn't have a word to say. I kept my job.
What she did was wrong. Even though I grew up in a trailer park did not mean I didn't have a moral compass. It just meant that I knew how to FIGHT. I will never forget something she said to a neighbor " You wanna fight like white trash, I know HOW to FIGHT like white TRASH."
I am almost 40 years old. Those days are gone. Don't think I can't still throw a round house or cut your heart out with my words. Don't mistake me walking away from an argument as WEAKNESS.
Strength does not come from defending YOURSELF. Strength Comes from Controlling Yourself.
Just because I do not get in the boxing ring to battle it out verbally does not mean I am a coward or I am weak. It means I am strong enough to walk away when I KNOW I could hurt you the way you are hurting me. I could tear you apart, I can unleash my old white trash self and give you a real reason to hate me.
I was driving home tonight with Austin next to me. I had taken him to basketball only it was cancelled and we were heading back home. I totally tuned out. Without realizing I was even speaking I blurted " I gotta go for a run. If I don't run I just might kill someone." Laughing Austin replied "You should kill someone!" We busted out laughing at how crazy we sounded.
But I knew I needed to run. As I thought about running it was like feigning for a drug. My heart rate sped up, my palms got all sweaty around the steering wheel and I could feel those race jitters. My mind was completely hijacked. I could see myself running down the road.
"Austin I have to go running."
"Mom, like when we get home."
"Yes, precisely."
GOD thank you. It felt so good. My hurt drove me down the road. My legs wouldn't stop. They just turned over faster and faster. Nothing hurt physically. So I went faster. My skin began to sweat as my heart pounded through my chest. I could hear myself breathing. I could feel my fists clenched. God I needed this. My arms swung rhythmically next to my sides. I could feel my eyes welling up. So I ran faster. I looked straight, zoned out and yet focused. It all felt so good.
I only did 2 miles in about 15 minutes. I don't want to get injured. But I really needed it.
The biggest battles we have to fight are often not with others rather with ourselves. When we fight OUR INSECURITIES, OUR EGOS, OUR DEMONS, OUR PRIDE we will find there are really very little battles left to fight.
The Battles that are left are NOBLE, Honest, Pure and Loving.
I just want to say thank you for the countless messages and texts the last couple days. I am reminded yet again of so many that circle me with love and support. A very good friend of mine,Holly reminded of all the love I have. I sadly made the comment "It is so hard when you don't have a lot of family." Holly replied "Anita, have you not seen your Facebook? Have you not seen the dozens of messages and posts you have gotten? Anita, you forget that family is NOT always blood. You have an incredible family of people who love you and support you."
She is RIGHT. I just want to say Thank you. To all the hundreds of recent messages,, likes, and posts that I have gotten Thank you. I am so grateful.
Thank you for the love and support especially to Ariel's friends who text me and call me to meet for coffee. I love you Joan and Javon. My amazing running friends, Danielle and even Sara M. Flaming June. Michelle R, Ali R. My niece Sarah, Melissa W. My sister in law Leeanne, I do not know what I would do with out mom and dad. Maria R and Jessica D . I have many many others. I was so encouraged today even by my niece Becca who called me today to say she was NOT part of the nasty stuff that was spread on FB about us.
Over the last couple days as some tried to destroy me many many others came to encourage and love me.
Anita
No comments:
Post a Comment