Fragile.

"Hearts are fragile things. That's why you have to be so careful." 

I thought this would be easier.
I thought this stage of recovery would be a cake walk.
4 months of chemo and being sick is a big gallon of suck.

But emotions are a totally different demon.

The last four weeks I have discovered how truly fragile I am.
I am not so tough. I honestly feel so weak, beaten up and broken.

I love to pretend. I convince myself I am "Fine". But then this shadow comes over me. I can feel its claws digging in. And most of the time they release their grip on me leaving me grateful the anxiety was brief. But I am haunted with the fear of its return.

This just sucks. Its grip is tightening up. Its hanging on and lingering.
I feel so fragile.

I can't control it.
I can't predict it.
I can't define it.

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great TREASURE. This makes it clear that our great power is FROM God, not from ourselves. " 2 Corinthians 4:7

I feel so fragile. I know God has the power. The power I need to be strong, to be confident, to be secure and all the abilities I need to get through this.
But it is like I am in the dark searching, reaching.....
Yesterday, Andy went to speak to me and I tried to talk only my words began to mumble. I was sobbing, and he just kept saying he was "sorry" I was going through this. He was so sweet. . There was NO reason for it. No explanation for this wave of sadness. I couldn't stop crying.

Today, Thanksgiving.
I have so much to be thankful for, shame on me for being a butthole. Shame on me for not being able to control this unexplainable sadness.
Shame on me.
I want to quit being a cry baby. I want to be my shiny happy chipper self but that person is miles away, like along distance relationship, she is there but she is so far away.

Today "Team Squishy Toes" invited me to the park to run.
I showed up in a pink dinosaur onsie. That's just some of the ridiculous things I do to try to keep myself in a cheerful spirit.
Well, I can't run, but I can walk.
Together they all took off on the west loop.
I went solo for my walk.
The woods were so crisp. It was so quiet until it wasn't.
My demons started their chatter. Inaudible clamber.
Solo running is usually great, but today I felt the woods closing in.
So I ran. I felt my blood hot. I felt anger that I couldn't control my emotions. I felt alone. I felt sad. I felt a cloud of anxiety hovering over me.
So I ran more. And I ran harder. And I cried, and I ran more. The woods opened up, welcoming me, loving me, embracing me.

I ran 4 miles today.  Thank you Holdridge for embracing me.


I had a lovely Thanksgiving. I had my boys with me. Those boys are a riot.
I facetimed my brother after leaving the trail. First my brother was like "What are you wearing?!"
But just hearing his voice I started to choke up all over again.
"Anita, just think of all those people that deal with this on a day to day basis...."

To you that deal with this regularly, I AM SO SORRY. My heart goes out to you. My broken, fragile heart wraps herself around you.
One day at a time.
Breathe
Pray
Repeat.

Anita~

Soften Up.

"A new heart also I give you and  new spirit I will put in you, and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh and I will give you a heart of flesh. "Ezekiel 36:26  

Softness.
"....often times you will have one breast higher than the other one due to the radiation..." Dr. Hainer continued explaining that the radiation hardens the skin making the skin firmer.

Lotions, cremes ointments I have been blessed with an abundance and yet my skin is struggling, it is dry and abrasive. I haven't even started radiation yet.

I have these visions of my boobies looking like Cyclops. And then to calm myslf down I say "Ahh, its ok Anita, you have life...."

So I lube up. I put lotion on in the morning and in the evening. I want my skin to be soft and I want my skin to be prepared for a 25 radiation treatments.

A man is born gentle and weak, at his death he is hard and stiff. 

All things including the grass and trees are soft and pliable in life, dry and brittle in death. 

Stiffness is thus a companion of death: flexibility a companion of life.

An army that cannot yield will be defeated. 

A tree that cannot bend will crack in the wind.

The hardness and the stiff will be broken: the soft and the supple will prevail." 

Lau-Tzu

I think a lot these days, you do this when you are in recovery.
Soften up Anita. I say this to myself a lot. Sometimes I get so stony. Hard.
I get hurt, disappointed, or duped and I find myself clenching my fists or fuming ready to react with a sharp tongue that cuts.
If only a little Aquaphor could soften me up.
"Anita, you are so strong..." Ahh, but sometimes being too strong isn't a good thing. Being strong can also makes you hard, brittle and stiff.

Our heart is what keeps our blood flowing and is the life source of our body.
The heart also flows our emotions.
I dont want to be hard hearted anymore than I want my skin to by dry and hardened.
I want love to flow. I want to be soft from my heart.

I found an old journal of mine from 2006. I had written many times asking God to give me a soft heart. I was so angry and desperately trying to not get embittered.

And in this stage of health blunders I want to stay soft. Only God can give me a heart of flesh.
I have to put myself in a "emotional time out".  When not caught early my emotions of "unfairness" can grow like bacteria in a petri dish.

There is strength in being soft. Being Kind. Giving a soft answer. Love.
**********************************************************
Things that are hard..those darn boobies! I am calling it quits! I don't want another fill in my expanders. I just want to be DONE. I am perfectly content with my A size boobies.
I just don't care about cleavage, and big tata's. God never gave them to me and I never missed something I never had. Those damn boobies just about killed me. There is no love loss there.

Things that are soft. MY BODY! I haven't ran in 4 weeks. I have been doing abs and trying to actually watch what I eat.
Todays Chow:
Breakfast: 1 slice bacon, Noosa Greek yogurt. Coffee
Lunch: Chicken, a kiwi, peppermint chocolate,
Dinner: Sockeye salmon, cottage cheese and roasted Yukon potatoes carrots and cottage cheese.
Dessert: Honeycrisp apple and kettle corn popcorn

Jeff went for a walk with me today. 

Sheba took me for a walk Sunday at Sorenson Park

Today, I set the timer for 20 minutes. I did 3 reps of 12 pistol squats and scissors for abs. I have to be very gentle with exercises. I have a layer of Alloderm in my breasts that has to heal. Being careful is next level, I want my body to heal properly. Better to be safe then sorry,

Being soft or hard. It is a choice. Let your ego go. Soften up. Let things go. Learn how to apologize, how to ask for forgiveness, how to be kind.
I continue to pray for God to give me a new heart, a heart of flesh.

Anita

We all Suffer. Rejoice.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His Glory you may rejoice with exultation."  1st Peter 4:12-13

Gods perfect timing as I have been recovering from my bilateral mastectomy.
My dear friend invited me to her bible study. Lacey brought me over the bible study so I could study the lesson and be prepared.

Peter sure talks a lot about suffering. A subject that many of us can relate to.

I have battled cancer for the last 7 months. There were days I thought I was looking right in the face of Satan I was suffering so bad.
There were days I wondered how much I could endure physically, mentally and emotionally.
I had moments my spirit was dark with fear, defeat, discouragement and all the company that joined them.
Every day, every moment of every day, when I looked at myself I was reminded of the suffering I had gone through and the suffering I still had to go through.

But I rarely complained. Because I KNEW GOD DIDN'T GIVE ME Cancer.

"..do not be surprised.."
WE all SUFFER. And if you haven't suffered, just wait.
We live in a very broken and dysfunctional world.
Our pain can persuade us to question and doubt Gods love for us. We get confused and disoriented loosing our faith in Gods plan for our lives.

"...which comes for your testing, as though some strange thing was happening to you...."
It is not by chance we are suffering. God knew we would go through this season of suffering. We would be tested.
I have always liked being tested. Maybe that is one of the reasons I enjoy running and racing so much. I train so hard knowing I will tested. When race day comes you go out to give your all. You are tested through pain. Through endurance.
I have found that if I stay positive and grateful I will have a better outcome at the end of my race. I test myself to be better.
God too tests us.

"..keep on rejoicing..."
Rejoicing through our trials not only allows us to get through it without being a "Debbie Downer" it also promises us that the more we rejoice now the more we will rejoice in heaven.
We can not control our suffering but we can control how we respond to it.

8 weeks of hair growth post chemo. 

Something to rejoice about!

I can't throw my hands up in the air to rejoice, I can't even raise my hands more than a 90' angle without it hurting like a son of a gun.
I am sure many of you want to say bad words to me when I say rejoice. I get it, divorce, death, sickness, loosing a job, how do you find joy in our trials. Especially when you want to say bad words, have a temper tantrum and curse God. When I came home from chemo, sicker than snot, trust me when I say I was not rejoicing. My heart wanted to, I didn't want to be angry, upset, bitter, oh I had my moments but it was not the billboard I wanted to hang.
I do rejoice in my special Nita kinda way.

• I try to find the silver lining.
• I always think of ways it could be worse
• I cling to the lil things that can make all the difference
• I circle myself around those that keep my spirits up and help to keep me in a good place

For every positive reaction there is also a choice to make a negative reaction to suffering. Choose to Rejoice. 

An Update in 5 points.

"Alec, will you go for a walk with me, ppppllleaseeee…" 

He really was very sweet. Not only did he go for a walk with me Sunday, he played games with me yesterday. It was very endearing. 

1.  Alec took me for a trail walk on Sunday at Sorenson. 2 easy miles.
2. I met my Radiologist Tuesday, Dr. Boike. We will now add him to the slew of Dr.s I have. 
3. I see Dr. Connor tomorrow, she is my Ob-Gyn that will be performing my oophorectomy.
4. I see Dr. Hainer to get saline injected into my expanders tomorrow. 
5. I scheduled to have my port out in December. 

So many Dr. appointments. 

When I met my radiologist his first sentence to me was "So, your an ultra runner..." Dr. Boike continued adding something along the lines of me not being able to run. Andy corrected him telling him that I had ran a couple marathons and a 50k this summer. 

While he was quite surprised, I added that I was not running anymore. 

My Serotonin levels are through the roof. I SOO wanna run, sweat and release this overabundance of emotional chaos that is growing and growing. 

That is not the only thing that is growing. MY BUTT! I tried on my sweatpants again, they are still tight! And at the dr's yesterday I gained ANOTHER POUND! 

The silver lining in that...I get to go shopping to buy bigger sweatpants! 

I am going to touch on a couple different thoughts on suffering. 

I would love to hear your thoughts. 

 Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.

Helen Keller

Tubes out!

The things that get me tickled are often the most ridiculous objects, ideas or anything a third grader would find hilarious.
I am very capable of mingling in adult conversations and fit in rather well. Being an adult isn't even that bad but I prefer making light of situations, finding the quirkiness of seriousness.
Lacey got me on this goofy app called "Marco Polo". It is a video app with filters to message and communicate. Lacey got me out of the house on Thursday, it was good timing, I am struggling with bouts of anxiety and depression and I needed the distraction from my 3pm doctor appointment.

This app is so elementary when you use the filters. I would tap the unicorn button, hit the movie star filter then the helium voice over and talk, sending Andy a cheesy video of me sounding like a munchkin. I didn't look like a movie star at all, more like a black and white video of Uncle Fester. Most of the laughter came from Lacey and I thinking we were so funny. We literally were stopped in a parking lot playing with it and cracking ourselves up.

I needed this laughter. I was having a week of doctor appointments. I was battling a petri dish of anxious emotions regarding my drain tubes being removed and my first expander injection that afternoon.  I had been told it was wasn't a big deal by many people EXCEPT ONE PERSON. One person said they knew some one that said "It hurt like a @$%%…" when they had theirs removed. That ONE comment hijacked everything else.

From Laceys minivan to our car I was about to find out for myself.
When Andy and I arrived at Dr. Hainers office and were taken back, I suddenly had to pee. I asked to go to the ladies room because I was afraid I would pee my pants I was so nervous.
I had asked you all for prayer and even told myself I would take some pain killers before my appointment only shockingly I FORGOT to take them. I was relying on faith.
I had the same nurse that I made hive out last time. It was her 4th week on the job. "HI! Its me again! I promise to not make you hot flash again." I joked with her.
I sat there half naked with my drain tubes hanging almost shaking with fear. I tried to laugh and make jokes so that my nurse would be more comfortable. She felt so bad from last week.
I discovered why Ihad been in so much pain the last week. If I moved just a little wrong the pain was so sharp I would stop in my tracks. The pain would lingered there, taunting me to move.
"I can't take your drain tubes out, you still have stitches around the area."
That very familiar sting presented itself again. Only this time I realized it was the stitches around my drain tube that was culprit so I just closed my eyes and allowed her to do her thing.
"I will count to 3 and pull the tubes out, take a deep breath and exhale..." She explained.
It only lasted a couple seconds. I had to look away as she removed over 8 inches of tubing that was buried inside me. It smoothly slithered itself from the top of my chest all the way out from the outside of my breast. I thought I was going to puke. I couldn't puke quite yet, I still had another tube to go.
Within a few minutes I was free from those dreadful drain tubes. I hadn't had anything in my drains for 2 days. Now I just had a couple holes in my skin to heal.

About half of that tubing was inside me. 

The EXPANDER process.

The size of the whole on both my sides from the removal of the tube. This is now closed and healing wonderful. 

Dr. Hainer came in with a large syringe and a long needle. He was teaching my nurse how to do it. She was asking questions and eager to learn. I just sat there half naked like a living teaching cadaver.
"Can I feel?" she asked to touch my breast to feel the expander inside me. Not even had I felt myself in 2 weeks. "Yes, of course you can." I replied thinking the more she learned the more I learned.
Then I saw the needle. "Does it hurt?"  I asked. Dr. Hainer laughed, "It doesn't hurt me." Then added looking at her, "She is numb, there is no feeling in her breasts, she won't feel anything...."
And I didn't. SORTA....
"What she will feel is the saline filling up in her expander." He continued. As my nurse held the very large syringe I could feel my breast getting fuller. I was a little more confident to look on my second breast as I watched my breast actually getting fuller. It was the craziest thing.

We were in and out. Back again next week.


It will be 3 weeks since I ran last tomorrow. It gets real gloomy.  I thought this stage it would be a little easier.
I have found out that could not be farther from the truth of it.
I am alone with myself a lot. I can't run. No real exercising.

My head space gets a little muddy.
Lacey dropped over today and surprised me with my favorite soup and some stuffed peppers. She was chatting about how nice it was outside and like a lost puppy she must have known how hard it was for me to be house bound.
"GO! Get ready, I  have 20 minutes, we will go walking."
She was wearing her winter coat and Sperrys. I dressed quickly and met her in her van.


The Lil Things.
I walked with my hands in my pockets so I didn't use my arms. I GOT TO GET OUTSIDE!
The sun was out, the air was crisp and I got to be outside. Even if we just walked the parking lot at the high school, to me it was EPIC! over 30 minutes we walked, I am still so happy.
I am grateful for friendships.


THANK you all for the prayers. It meant so much to me.
Anita~

BLURRY.

 "Now Eli was ninety-eight years old, and his eyes were set so that he could not see."  1 Sam. 4:15

My eyesight has gotten significantly worse the last 6 months. I blamed chemo but I think it is just being 45 and part of the aging process.  I don't wear glasses. I struggle to see close up. Words get blurry, I squint and try to focus but find myself frustrated. 

Thisi is a week of DR. follow-ups.

*Monday Dr. Cotant (Onchologist) 

*Tuesday Dr. Johnson (Breast surgeon, Head Honcho) 

*Thursday Dr. Hanier (Breast surgeon, reconstruction)

Monday: 

The Plan: Flush Port, Follow-up with Dr. Contant and Pathology Report. 

What I didn't plan was a snow storm that had my father in law have to take me.  I also didn't know I was getting poked for blood work. 

I GAINED more weight! I thought I did, it was pretty obvious when even my sweatpants hardly fit! 

Dr. Cotant was giddy sharing the report of a "Pathological Complete Response."
While he took my vitals he forgot and placed the stethoscope on my breasts or lack of. I winced from the tenderness from my recent surgery.  Dr. Cotant is about 6'2,  200lbs. That man jumped in the air like a ballerina! "OH S*%$! I am so sorry, nevermind, we are good, we are not going to do this!"  I couldn't stop laughing. He is very meek and soft spoken, I didn't think this man ever swore, it really was quite comical.

Listen having Cancer is a constant dose of pain. You get pretty use to it but it still sucks. I went to the chemo room to have my port flushed. Tammy my nurse gave me hugs and started cleaning me off with Iodine to prep me for my port poke. 

It hurt more than I remembered. I cringed as she stuck the needle through my skin into my port. But I really made a face when the needle wouldn't pop off when we were finished flushing my port. I tried to be brave as my flesh hung unto the needle. She finally was able to get it to release. My needle head after investigation had a barb on the head. It hurt so bad. But I just laughed and smiled making a joke about it. 

And just like that, after jokes, sweet greetings and a little business it was time to go. But I didn't want to.

Tuesday: 

The Plan: Follow up with Dr. Johnson post surgery. 

Andy and I sat in the room trying to delicately remove my shirt. It wasn't a  button down. It should have been, I can't raise my arms and my chest is terribly tender. I still have the drain tubes in making yet another obstacle. 

Dr. Johnson brings her little self in with great cheer. 0% tumor, so much to be joyful over. 

AND yet another cheerful Dr. appointment. 

I wanted her to go to lunch with us. I didn't want to leave. 

Blurry

 "Now Eli was ninety-eight years old, and his eyes were set so that he could not see."

It was an episode of LONGMIRE. There was a character that had lost their loved one years ago. And there was a scene that character is crying "I just want to see her face, I am forgetting what she looked like and I have no photos...." 

People, circumstances, life in general will always leave something behind. 

I looked back and snapped a photo of Tammy. I never wanted to forget her. But my photo didn't turn out. At first I was sad and thought I would delete it. And truth be told, it was deleted. Andy thought it was a garbage photo and deleted it. But even though I COULDN'T SEE Tammy, I could still FEEL Tammy. One day I may forget what these amazing Dr.s and nurses look like but I will NEVER forget how they made me feel. There are things in life I never want to loose site of. That is the love, compassion, kindness and encouragement that has been given to me. 

Maybe its words that you never want to forget, or words that you wish you could forget. 

Or maybe it is a person, someone that spoke volumes in your life or maybe it is someone that hurt you and their vision brings you brokenness. 

Emotions carry much farther then our eyesight ever will. 

Life gets so blurry. Our hearts become our sight when our vision fails. 

Keep your heart soft. Let go of bitterness, anger, unforgiveness and all the things that will skew your vision. A hardened heart will always struggle to see what God has for you.  

Asking for prayers, I have my drain tubes removed tomorrow, Thursday. I am nervous. I know it is going to hurt like a son of a gun, please keep me in prayer that it WON'T hurt. 

Thank YOU

Anita~

Underground

"I'm not mad about it..A little sad about it."
Some of the words of MISSIO.

Underground.."I'll be right here just waiting underground..."

"Anita, its all in your presentation....'You said 'Can I walk...' but what you meant was...."
Dr. Hainer chuckled in a very parental way. I tried to get one over on him. I thought that if I asked to  "walk" he would let me and I could sneak in Clarkston Backroads 5K.  However, Andy ratted me out and Dr. Hainer saw through my play on words.
I was going to be careful. It was a BIG FAT "NO"!

I wasn't mad about it. I did have a very big surgery just 10 days ago. But I just wanted to play.
My friends are all out frolicking on the trails, running and I just wanted to play with them.

Yesterday, they were kind enough to invite me to walk after they ran, except I didn't run. Alec dropped me off to meet them after they ran. I brought desserts and hugs.

Today was Clarkston Backroads. I have done this race since the year it started. Joan and I started running this together as a tribute run to Ariel. But this year I couldn't run.
Joan still ran it. I couldn't run it but I could still watch her run.

You have 2 choices.

1. You can feel sorry for yourself, stay home and pout.
2. You can suck it up, dress up and cheer up, showing up for those that can do what you wish you could do.

   

   My Sweet Joan. This girl is so Special to me. 

    

It wasn't hardly a choice. 

"Anita, what are you wearing?" Andy asked rolling his eyes at my Tutu. Sarah gave me this pink tutu and I am always looking for a reason to wear it! 

"I want Lacey to see me!" I responded. 

Lacey, Joan and Chris B were running Clarkston Backroads. If I couldn't run it I wanted to cheer them all on. Andy told me he would drive me out there and get me through the course to see them. And he did a great job. 

Gentle, Gentle! 

It was so fun. We brought my biggest cowbell and my best energy. 

I actually saw several runners that I knew out there. 

Congrats to Kathleen, Andrew B, Frank, Jill M and all the runners out there today. 

ChrisB, Me, Andy, Lacey, Joan

"I like to see you happy." I saw Andy looking at me cheesing. 

"you love this..." he continued. 

I do. There are so many things I am not good at, math, direction, making oatmeal raisin cookies....

but being obnoxious, I am a pro! 

I LOVE encouraging people. I could be a professional cheer station. 

We don't encourage one another enough. 

EVERYONE can use a cheerleader in their corner. 

Someone yelling "YOU ARE AMAZING". 

"You ARE doing SOO GOOD"

"Today is YOUR DAY"

I am out of commission from running. Even if I can not do what I love I can still enjoy watching others do it. 

I saw Dr. Hainer Thursday. He is my reconstruction surgeon. 

In this whole process, that day brought me the most pain. Yesterday, was the first day I did not have a significant amount of pain.  

It took 2 nurses and 1 DR to remove the shrink wrap from me. It was so painful that Andy almost got up and left. The adhesive was removing my skin it was so sticky. In the process of removing it my drain tubes were irritated, this is what brought tears to my eyes. 

The drain tubes stayed in even though there was little drainage. This is where my pain really circulated after having the shrink wrap removed, my drain tube area. 

This was before the party started, this poor gal was sweating she felt so bad. She ended up grabbing MY Folder to fan me down I GOT SOO HOT!

Today was the first day that I have actually looked at myself without my shirt on. I just haven't been able to work the courage up to look. 

Andy has seen, he has had to dress and shower me but I have cowered from the mirrors. 

It was horrific to see myself. I quickly, before I started to cry, told myself I have LIFE. That is what matters most. 

But my breast were gone. The skin was so thin you could actually see the expander beneath my skin. Like my cousin describes, it looks like the lid of a mason jar. There is NO tissue on my breasts any longer, my chest is actually concave. 

I quickly looked away so the image wouldn't haunt me. 

My breasts are gone. I have lost a piece of my womanhood. Maybe they were not big, but cancer took them, residual damage I suppose. 

I stared at myself for that brief moment.

Pale. My facial hair so sparse that it is still evident that cancer was the culprit of its removal. My hair is patchy, growing in with grayness. 

And my breasts deformed, removed and unrecognizable. 

It is hard to see yourself so broken. Unfamiliar. Maimed. My heart was heavy as I pretended I was "fine". 

I have LIFE. I am so grateful. 

I just had one of these moments. 

"I am not mad about it..a little sad about it..." 

A little sad, but no not mad. I am almost through this marathon called cancer. 

Grief. We all have our moments of grief. Moving on with gratitude keeps us from camping out in emotional bad places. 

Enjoying others and their happy places helps us to exercise healing. It brings us out from "underground" 

Anita~

Shrink Wrapped

“The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.”

When people ask how I feel after having my breasts removed I say "Like I have been shrink wrapped".
I am one week out.

• I still have my drain tubes in.
• I have hardly any drainage, the last couple days nothing to really record. 
• I still have my wound vac. 
• I still am bandaged up like a piece of meat in a food saver. 

Today, also marks week 6 post chemo.

The pancake bald spot on the top of my head is starting to grow in. 

Pain. I have had very little pain to complain about. 

I haven't taken any narcotics from the get go. 

I am uncomfortable. 

And a bit whiny. 

Sleep...well that is where the dread begins. I have to sleep sitting up. I can't sleep on my side, it is very sore especially the side the 5 lymph nodes removed.

I am still bruised from where the Lymph were removed. This is where my pain would be mostly felt, in my right arm. 

It was more of achy feeling. 

But the strongest thing I have taken for pain is at night, one Naproxen along with my antibiotic, Synthroid and a Motrin Pm. 

Play it forward. 

Kris V. gifted me a recliner. It is the type of gift that was given to her to help with her recovery, then forwarded to me for mine, and when I am recovered, I then will pass on this lovely gift originated from the Skaffs. 

PAIN. Just because I haven't taken anything stronger doesn't mean I am a stronger person. 

We are all created different. We have different pain receptors. We all have different pain tolerances. no matter how you cut it.. Pain is terrible. 

I would never want anyone to have to go through the pain I have had to go through to become less sensitive to the pain I could be dealing with today. 

I am grateful for all that pain. God has protected me in all my pain. It has helped me. 

Every heartache, every tear, all of it has helped me for today. For this cancer. 

And this cancer too will help me with whatever will come tomorrow. 

Just like this wonderful recliner that was forwarded to me and I will soon foreword to someone else, that is how pain comes with purpose. You feel it, use it, learn from it and take it into your tomorrows. 

I was chatting with a friend this morning "Pain always comes with a purpose. Its our perspective that gives us the direction to see life."  and might I add live life without resentments, regrets and bitterness. 

Life is full of pain. 

Life will make you Bitter or Life will make you Better. 

 Pain is inevitable. 

We are in a society we want no pain. We don't want to hurt. Physically or emotionally.  

There is so much to learn in the process of pain. 

Learn to feel. Learn to manage that pain. Learn to appreciate your pain. 

Psalm 147:3. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Dr. Johnson called me Monday night to tell me I had a "Pathalogic complete response."
Basically NO LIVING CANCER CELLS IN MY BREASTS!
That does not mean there is a period on this journey. I still have to have radiation. I will know more next week when I see my Dr.
But for TODAY, We Praise God!

Special Thank you to all those that have Blesssed me and my family with dinners, gifts, cards. visits and love. Lacey R, Jean, Linda A, L.D and Lindas small group and Angela W for all your love.  

Thank you, Holly P, Mom, Tammy and her family, Ruth G, Claudia, for the wonderful meals. 

Anita~

My Last OOrah! Recap and Recovery

Wednesday the 30th, I was at Troy Beaumont at 6am to have the next stage of my cancer conquered. Bilateral mastectomy.

"You are the talk around here, we hear you are a real rockstar...." One of my nurses say to me.
"Well, don't believe everything you hear.." I respond laughing.
"I hear you ran a marathon 3 days ago...."

I had several dreams before I was diagnosed with TNBC (triple negative breast cancer) back in April. I don't like being told what to do. I never have. I didn't appreciate Cancer telling me that I had to cower down to his rules. And I wasn't even willing to negotiate.
I had planned to run Marine Corp Marathon for over a year with my family.
My Dr.s worked so hard to help this happen. They monitored me closely with extra blood draws and assessments.
I continued to train, race and run. I did it all with caution, the very best I could with all I had.
My surgeon wanted my surgery the beginning of October, she graciously contacted the rest of my team, telling them my plan to run with my family. We scheduled my surgery for 3 days after my marathon.

TRAVEL.
Andy and I flew into Ronald Reagan on Friday along with my brother and sister in law coming from Florida.
Mom and dad drove to DC to cheer us all on, especially Andy, it was his and Leeannes first marathon.

THE EXPO. It's a Small World
Saturday was the EXPO. Expos are my thing, loud, full of people and great energy.
As we walked around I heard my name called, "NITA, Nita, its "Will Run for Donuts".  It took me a second to put it all together, this was a runner that follows me on IG! My brother was cracking up.

I was especially excited to listen to Dean Karnazes , ultramarathon runner. He was on the speaking format at 12:30.  I was so inspired by Deans speech, his enthusiasm for running and humor in his mishaps made his superhuman endeavors seem somewhat normal.

Selfie with Dean. 

"Find what you love and let it kill you.." A quote I quickly penned after he had recited it a couple times.  My ultra running had left me feeling like death many times but would prove to be great training for my future.

My Last OORAH

Marine Corp Marathon.

Mom in her red poncho reminds me of "RED RUM"! But so much cuter! 

Dad and Mom always told Andy they would be there for him on his first Marathon. 

Team Harless

The forecast never waivered from rain. It showed all variations of rain. We were prepared. Andy had purchased garbage bags and we had ponchos. We had bought metro passes to take the Metro.

Lacey made head signs for mom and dad to cheer us on. This is how I was able to find mom and dad on the course! 

We headed out the door to mom and dads hotel just a few hundred feet away.
The rain bounced off our ponchos and trickled down in places we thought were covered. We were too excited to care.

The Metro line was really cool. At 6:30am the metro was packed. We all stayed close so we wouldn't loose anyone. .
Mom and dad didn't get to walk down to the starting line with us, we gave our goodbyes and hoped they would be able to navigate the Metro along the course to see us.

The Plan. 
Andy had decided to run his own race. Bobby was going to stay with Leeanne and I. Leeanne's goal was a sub 5 hour marathon. I knew she could do it. I knew I could get her there I just had to get her to believe in her training, herself and me.

I took my poncho off in our corral. It was almost 70'.
30,000 runners had signed up but not that many had showed up. You wouldn't have known that though, we were shoulder to shoulder with runners. It took almost 10 minutes to cross over the starting mat.

I was my normal obnoxious self. Andy pulled ahead right out of the gate. I started cutting up with the runners around us. Bobby joined in giving high fives and yelling "OORAH"!
The first 7 miles were all hills. I would yell "ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?" and Bobby would yell "OORAH"! And if no one said anything I would add "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
It was a blast hearing the runners join in.
"MMM, someone smells GOOD, I am following him into the finish line!" I yelled about 10 miles out. The runners started laughing, Leeanne was cracking up.

The rain continued to drench us. But the rain didn't scare off the spectators. "Thank you, Thank you" I said at every aid station. The volunteers were incredible, So many Marines along the course.
About mile 13, we were coming into "Wear Blue to Remember". For almost one mile they had fallen soldiers on both sides of the road. This is an organization you adopt a fallen soldier and run for them. I did this at the Harland race on Memorial Day.
I was leading Bob and Leeanne but when I looked back they were gone. There were so many runners I didn't think I would find them.
I spotted them, joining them as we ran through this very emotional mile.

GONE.
We lost Bobby in that mile. Leeanne was worried, I told Leeanne to keep running I would fall back and find him. I found him, walk/running. "It's my knee... Go, catch up to Leeanne..." I wished him well, sadly left him but knew I had to get Leeanne across the finish line, she too was beginning to struggle.

I caught up to Leeanne. "Leeanne, he will be fine...." I tried to convince her to stay focused.
We had already saw mom and dad about mile 4. We saw them again about mile 16/17. I yelled at them that Bobby had fell back. They yelled to me that Andy was about 10 minutes ahead.

"You Are Doing Great Leeanne."
We had ran for over 3 hours in torrential rain when the sun decided to come out and heat us up at 75 degrees.
Runners were walking and bonking. I has trying to keep Leeanne distracted and focused on her goal.
"Run for Donuts" saw us out there but he fell behind us along with several other runners.
My feet were throbbing from all the pavement pounding.
I gave Leeanne my Expresso Gu. She was crashing and needed the caffeine.
I gave Leeanne more walk breaks. This helped to break up the miles and keep her moving steady.
Then we spotted Andy. The heat had got him.
We ended up passing him with about a mile to go, he told us to keep running.

The streets were lined shoulder to shoulder with Marines in full uniform. They were encouraging us all the way to the Finish.

Time: 4:49

This was our whole gang that ran.

Andy, me, Bobby, Leeanne, Chris and Rob 

My Last OORAH! I wasn't sneaking in any more races or runs. I had accomplished more than I had ever thought I would get to do. My dreams had come true. 
From the day I was diagnosed with cancer, I had lived more life, with more joy and more adventures than most people do that are healthy. God had given me "Life Abundantly"


Bye Bye Boobies. 
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I was back to work Tuesday to a incredible "Breast Wishes" Boobie party from the gals at GLITZ.
This kept me distracted.

Surgery: Wednesday, October 30th. Be at the hospital at 6am.
My niece Sarah was there to greet us. This meant so much to me.
They took me back right away to change and prep.
They injected me with a dye at 7am.
My anesthetist showed up at 7:30. "AHH, Whoa, can you please bring my husband back?" I asked. Things were moving very fast.
I learned that my surgery was scheduled for 8am.

Mom, Dad and Deb came back to pray with me before I went in.
Dr. Hainer came in with a sharpie to draw on me where they would cut me and Dr. Johnson looked at the drawings with concern. I chose to pretend I had read her face wrong. After all, she is one of the best, she doesn't get rattled.

That is all I remember. I woke up at 1-ish.
I was wide away. I wasn't vomiting and I felt alert and pretty good.

Bobby and Leeanne and come to Michigan to take care of me for a few days. 

I was in the truck the next day coming home at 11am with my family.

No Narcotics. 
The surgery was a little longer. Dr. Johnson took 5 Lymph Nodes. This is where most of my pain is, in my arm. My chest is wrapped tightly, like shrink wrap.

My sports bra they gave me. My sister in law, DEB, gave me Googgly eyes to tape on. When Dr. Johnson came in the following morning she pulled my gown away and started laughing. Well Anita, I have never seen this before!" 

They started the expander process. Dr. Hainer said that my breasts were about 100 mL and he gave me 75mL. of saline. I told him I didn't want more than 200mL and he agreed that was his thoughts too. That is about a small B cup, or large A cup.
I have draining tubes. These are nasty. Andy has had to empty them for me. They are barely draining. This is great. I will probably have them removed within the next few days. He said they usually stay in 7-14 days.
PAIN. This is where my running has helped me. It has built such a tolerance up for pain. I haven't taken any pain pills yet today.
There really isn't much pain, it is mostly soreness. Similar to a hard upper body workout.

This is one day post op. I look like a science experiment. You can see my drain tubes along my sides. In the front is my wound vac. The wound vac provides negative pressure to help the drainage.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

God never wanted to harm me. It was never His decision to give me cancer. He wants me to prosper, He wants me to have hope and a future. But how do you do that if you never DREAM? How do you recognize this if you never set goals or you live in fear.

No Excuses. 

We all have a story, a tragedy, we all have hardships and trauma. But we don't have to let those define us. 

Life is beautiful. Cancer has shown me that life can be lived beautifully even in hardship. 

Anita~

PLEASE PRAY FOR A CLEAR PATHOLOGY REPORT. I SHOULD GET THE RESULTS NEXT WEEK.