Underground

"I'm not mad about it..A little sad about it."
Some of the words of MISSIO.

Underground.."I'll be right here just waiting underground..."

"Anita, its all in your presentation....'You said 'Can I walk...' but what you meant was...."
Dr. Hainer chuckled in a very parental way. I tried to get one over on him. I thought that if I asked to  "walk" he would let me and I could sneak in Clarkston Backroads 5K.  However, Andy ratted me out and Dr. Hainer saw through my play on words.
I was going to be careful. It was a BIG FAT "NO"!

I wasn't mad about it. I did have a very big surgery just 10 days ago. But I just wanted to play.
My friends are all out frolicking on the trails, running and I just wanted to play with them.

Yesterday, they were kind enough to invite me to walk after they ran, except I didn't run. Alec dropped me off to meet them after they ran. I brought desserts and hugs.

Today was Clarkston Backroads. I have done this race since the year it started. Joan and I started running this together as a tribute run to Ariel. But this year I couldn't run.
Joan still ran it. I couldn't run it but I could still watch her run.

You have 2 choices.

1. You can feel sorry for yourself, stay home and pout.
2. You can suck it up, dress up and cheer up, showing up for those that can do what you wish you could do.

   

   My Sweet Joan. This girl is so Special to me. 

    

It wasn't hardly a choice. 

"Anita, what are you wearing?" Andy asked rolling his eyes at my Tutu. Sarah gave me this pink tutu and I am always looking for a reason to wear it! 

"I want Lacey to see me!" I responded. 

Lacey, Joan and Chris B were running Clarkston Backroads. If I couldn't run it I wanted to cheer them all on. Andy told me he would drive me out there and get me through the course to see them. And he did a great job. 

Gentle, Gentle! 

It was so fun. We brought my biggest cowbell and my best energy. 

I actually saw several runners that I knew out there. 

Congrats to Kathleen, Andrew B, Frank, Jill M and all the runners out there today. 

ChrisB, Me, Andy, Lacey, Joan

"I like to see you happy." I saw Andy looking at me cheesing. 

"you love this..." he continued. 

I do. There are so many things I am not good at, math, direction, making oatmeal raisin cookies....

but being obnoxious, I am a pro! 

I LOVE encouraging people. I could be a professional cheer station. 

We don't encourage one another enough. 

EVERYONE can use a cheerleader in their corner. 

Someone yelling "YOU ARE AMAZING". 

"You ARE doing SOO GOOD"

"Today is YOUR DAY"

I am out of commission from running. Even if I can not do what I love I can still enjoy watching others do it. 

I saw Dr. Hainer Thursday. He is my reconstruction surgeon. 

In this whole process, that day brought me the most pain. Yesterday, was the first day I did not have a significant amount of pain.  

It took 2 nurses and 1 DR to remove the shrink wrap from me. It was so painful that Andy almost got up and left. The adhesive was removing my skin it was so sticky. In the process of removing it my drain tubes were irritated, this is what brought tears to my eyes. 

The drain tubes stayed in even though there was little drainage. This is where my pain really circulated after having the shrink wrap removed, my drain tube area. 

This was before the party started, this poor gal was sweating she felt so bad. She ended up grabbing MY Folder to fan me down I GOT SOO HOT!

Today was the first day that I have actually looked at myself without my shirt on. I just haven't been able to work the courage up to look. 

Andy has seen, he has had to dress and shower me but I have cowered from the mirrors. 

It was horrific to see myself. I quickly, before I started to cry, told myself I have LIFE. That is what matters most. 

But my breast were gone. The skin was so thin you could actually see the expander beneath my skin. Like my cousin describes, it looks like the lid of a mason jar. There is NO tissue on my breasts any longer, my chest is actually concave. 

I quickly looked away so the image wouldn't haunt me. 

My breasts are gone. I have lost a piece of my womanhood. Maybe they were not big, but cancer took them, residual damage I suppose. 

I stared at myself for that brief moment.

Pale. My facial hair so sparse that it is still evident that cancer was the culprit of its removal. My hair is patchy, growing in with grayness. 

And my breasts deformed, removed and unrecognizable. 

It is hard to see yourself so broken. Unfamiliar. Maimed. My heart was heavy as I pretended I was "fine". 

I have LIFE. I am so grateful. 

I just had one of these moments. 

"I am not mad about it..a little sad about it..." 

A little sad, but no not mad. I am almost through this marathon called cancer. 

Grief. We all have our moments of grief. Moving on with gratitude keeps us from camping out in emotional bad places. 

Enjoying others and their happy places helps us to exercise healing. It brings us out from "underground" 

Anita~