Fragile.

"Hearts are fragile things. That's why you have to be so careful." 

I thought this would be easier.
I thought this stage of recovery would be a cake walk.
4 months of chemo and being sick is a big gallon of suck.

But emotions are a totally different demon.

The last four weeks I have discovered how truly fragile I am.
I am not so tough. I honestly feel so weak, beaten up and broken.

I love to pretend. I convince myself I am "Fine". But then this shadow comes over me. I can feel its claws digging in. And most of the time they release their grip on me leaving me grateful the anxiety was brief. But I am haunted with the fear of its return.

This just sucks. Its grip is tightening up. Its hanging on and lingering.
I feel so fragile.

I can't control it.
I can't predict it.
I can't define it.

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great TREASURE. This makes it clear that our great power is FROM God, not from ourselves. " 2 Corinthians 4:7

I feel so fragile. I know God has the power. The power I need to be strong, to be confident, to be secure and all the abilities I need to get through this.
But it is like I am in the dark searching, reaching.....
Yesterday, Andy went to speak to me and I tried to talk only my words began to mumble. I was sobbing, and he just kept saying he was "sorry" I was going through this. He was so sweet. . There was NO reason for it. No explanation for this wave of sadness. I couldn't stop crying.

Today, Thanksgiving.
I have so much to be thankful for, shame on me for being a butthole. Shame on me for not being able to control this unexplainable sadness.
Shame on me.
I want to quit being a cry baby. I want to be my shiny happy chipper self but that person is miles away, like along distance relationship, she is there but she is so far away.

Today "Team Squishy Toes" invited me to the park to run.
I showed up in a pink dinosaur onsie. That's just some of the ridiculous things I do to try to keep myself in a cheerful spirit.
Well, I can't run, but I can walk.
Together they all took off on the west loop.
I went solo for my walk.
The woods were so crisp. It was so quiet until it wasn't.
My demons started their chatter. Inaudible clamber.
Solo running is usually great, but today I felt the woods closing in.
So I ran. I felt my blood hot. I felt anger that I couldn't control my emotions. I felt alone. I felt sad. I felt a cloud of anxiety hovering over me.
So I ran more. And I ran harder. And I cried, and I ran more. The woods opened up, welcoming me, loving me, embracing me.

I ran 4 miles today.  Thank you Holdridge for embracing me.


I had a lovely Thanksgiving. I had my boys with me. Those boys are a riot.
I facetimed my brother after leaving the trail. First my brother was like "What are you wearing?!"
But just hearing his voice I started to choke up all over again.
"Anita, just think of all those people that deal with this on a day to day basis...."

To you that deal with this regularly, I AM SO SORRY. My heart goes out to you. My broken, fragile heart wraps herself around you.
One day at a time.
Breathe
Pray
Repeat.

Anita~