I am very capable of mingling in adult conversations and fit in rather well. Being an adult isn't even that bad but I prefer making light of situations, finding the quirkiness of seriousness.
Lacey got me on this goofy app called "Marco Polo". It is a video app with filters to message and communicate. Lacey got me out of the house on Thursday, it was good timing, I am struggling with bouts of anxiety and depression and I needed the distraction from my 3pm doctor appointment.
This app is so elementary when you use the filters. I would tap the unicorn button, hit the movie star filter then the helium voice over and talk, sending Andy a cheesy video of me sounding like a munchkin. I didn't look like a movie star at all, more like a black and white video of Uncle Fester. Most of the laughter came from Lacey and I thinking we were so funny. We literally were stopped in a parking lot playing with it and cracking ourselves up.
I needed this laughter. I was having a week of doctor appointments. I was battling a petri dish of anxious emotions regarding my drain tubes being removed and my first expander injection that afternoon. I had been told it was wasn't a big deal by many people EXCEPT ONE PERSON. One person said they knew some one that said "It hurt like a @$%%…" when they had theirs removed. That ONE comment hijacked everything else.
From Laceys minivan to our car I was about to find out for myself.
When Andy and I arrived at Dr. Hainers office and were taken back, I suddenly had to pee. I asked to go to the ladies room because I was afraid I would pee my pants I was so nervous.
I had asked you all for prayer and even told myself I would take some pain killers before my appointment only shockingly I FORGOT to take them. I was relying on faith.
I had the same nurse that I made hive out last time. It was her 4th week on the job. "HI! Its me again! I promise to not make you hot flash again." I joked with her.
I sat there half naked with my drain tubes hanging almost shaking with fear. I tried to laugh and make jokes so that my nurse would be more comfortable. She felt so bad from last week.
I discovered why Ihad been in so much pain the last week. If I moved just a little wrong the pain was so sharp I would stop in my tracks. The pain would lingered there, taunting me to move.
"I can't take your drain tubes out, you still have stitches around the area."
That very familiar sting presented itself again. Only this time I realized it was the stitches around my drain tube that was culprit so I just closed my eyes and allowed her to do her thing.
"I will count to 3 and pull the tubes out, take a deep breath and exhale..." She explained.
It only lasted a couple seconds. I had to look away as she removed over 8 inches of tubing that was buried inside me. It smoothly slithered itself from the top of my chest all the way out from the outside of my breast. I thought I was going to puke. I couldn't puke quite yet, I still had another tube to go.
Within a few minutes I was free from those dreadful drain tubes. I hadn't had anything in my drains for 2 days. Now I just had a couple holes in my skin to heal.
 |
| About half of that tubing was inside me. |
The EXPANDER process.
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| The size of the whole on both my sides from the removal of the tube. This is now closed and healing wonderful. |
Dr. Hainer came in with a large syringe and a long needle. He was teaching my nurse how to do it. She was asking questions and eager to learn. I just sat there half naked like a living teaching cadaver.
"Can I feel?" she asked to touch my breast to feel the expander inside me. Not even had I felt myself in 2 weeks. "Yes, of course you can." I replied thinking the more she learned the more I learned.
Then I saw the needle. "Does it hurt?" I asked. Dr. Hainer laughed, "It doesn't hurt me." Then added looking at her, "She is numb, there is no feeling in her breasts, she won't feel anything...."
And I didn't. SORTA....
"What she will feel is the saline filling up in her expander." He continued. As my nurse held the very large syringe I could feel my breast getting fuller. I was a little more confident to look on my second breast as I watched my breast actually getting fuller. It was the craziest thing.
We were in and out. Back again next week.
It will be 3 weeks since I ran last tomorrow. It gets real gloomy. I thought this stage it would be a little easier.
I have found out that could not be farther from the truth of it.
I am alone with myself a lot. I can't run. No real exercising.
My head space gets a little muddy.
Lacey dropped over today and surprised me with my favorite soup and some stuffed peppers. She was chatting about how nice it was outside and like a lost puppy she must have known how hard it was for me to be house bound.
"GO! Get ready, I have 20 minutes, we will go walking."
She was wearing her winter coat and Sperrys. I dressed quickly and met her in her van.
The Lil Things.
I walked with my hands in my pockets so I didn't use my arms. I GOT TO GET OUTSIDE!
The sun was out, the air was crisp and I got to be outside. Even if we just walked the parking lot at the high school, to me it was EPIC! over 30 minutes we walked, I am still so happy.
I am grateful for friendships.
THANK you all for the prayers. It meant so much to me.
Anita~
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