Unsteady

 

"It's not even about being negative. It's about being unsettled, unsatisfied, unfinished." 

Kevin Spacy

Everywhere around me someone is sick. Covid everywhere, the flu, sinuses, allergies and all kinds of funk everywhere. 

It seemed inevitable that I would get something, especially working with the public in such close proximity. 

My 50th birthday fell on a workday, and I felt like I had dodged a few bullets.  

Around 7pm our receptionist told me I had a visitor. 

I walked up front and screamed "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR"!! It was my brother from Florida!! 

Bobby wasn't supposed to come in until late the following day for Christmas.  

I was so stoked. 

The following day, Thursday morning, I continued in my morning routine, coffee, bible, and then my brother comes out to join me. 

It was going to be a great day!

Until my stomach began to churn. 

I began to feel UNSTEADY. 

A very rapid decline in my health and a very mortifying display of bodily fluids knocked me out. 

Shamefully, I locked myself in the bedroom where I found Andy was also sick. 

I laid in bed in a fetal position, sad at the timing but slightly crazy with laughter at the timing as well. 

So UNSTEADY. 

I did what I do often. PRAY. 

"Lord, please heal my body, recover me, redeem me, please remove this sickness so I can enjoy my brother...."

And YES, less than 24 hours later I was back in the saddle! 

RUNDOWN

I took 5 days off from running without a care. I was so excited to spend time with my brother. 

And I did. 

Christmas day everyone was gone. I felt physically well by emotionally I was wrecked. 

USTEADY yet again.

I laced up my shoes and went out for a THERAPY SESSION. 

I did all I knew, RUN and PRAY. 

I thought my legs would feel foot loose and fancy, but they were heavy, and sluggish like my mental state. 

I prayed harder. 

I ran harder. 

I ran longer. 

I found this little smile cracking. I changed my mental dialogue. 

I WAS BACK. 

HEALING. 

Our WEAKNESS can be turned to STRENGTH. 

When my battles are waged in FAITH, I can conquer both physical and emotional illness. 

Yankee Springs 50 miler is in 10 days. 

I decided to test out my trail's legs. I haven't been on the trails in weeks. 

PLAN: 2 WEST Loops with the Lake Loop. 

The first loop, I felt UNSTEADY.  A feeling that was not foreign to me this week. 

I was scared. Cautious. Guarded and watchful of roots and rocks. The trail was slick and wet camouflaged in leaves and mud. 

I clenched my fists prepared to fall. 

One mile, two mile, three miles and I was still upright. 5 miles later I had made it through the loop without falling. 

I headed back into the trail for my second go at it. 

I was stronger. More confident. 

STEADY. 

Andy gave me a goal to finish my last loop. I had to STEADY my thoughts and control my body to even consider achieving his goal. 

And I did it, and never fell!

From being sick to not running for 5 days I reminded myself the hardest thing is starting back again. 

From lacing up my shoes to heading back on the trails, when we first get back out there, we may feel a little UNSTEADY but that is still better than being unwilling.  

It is better than quitting. 

It is better than throwing in the towel. 

Go out there UNSTEADY. Just GO. 

In Peace, not pieces,

Anita

A season of Grief and Joy

 Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything. C.S. Lewis

December is just hard. I think too much. I hurt too much. I pretend too much, and I try too hard. 

I try to smile, to laugh... to ignore my aching heart. 

The Christmas music is playing. Everyone's laughing and smiling. For that matter I am too. 

But the right tune, the right instrument, at the right time, plays a different record that echos in my heart, 

Like many of us, we are navigating through such a joyous time of year and yet suffering with a gaping hole of grief. 

Every day I feel the waves.  The all-consuming tug pulling my heart back into a slumber. 

It has been so long. 

"Andy, today was the day I pulled the plug and killed my mother..." It was a little dramatic but at that moment that is how I felt. 

December 8th. 1992. 

Andy responded with a pause "No, today is the day you removed her from life support, supporting her life.." 

I thought to myself quietly, "Whatever, it still sucks, it all sucks, it sucks so bad, I want my mom." 

I am almost 50 years old and during this time I feel like a little orphan. 

I have a client Jan, last week she tells me, "This is a really hard year, it has been 25 years since I lost my mother, it just hit me harder this year than normal." She shared this with tears in her eyes. 

I ran a little more. I prayed a little more. I cried a lot more. I remembered a little more. I stayed busy a little more. 

I did more to overcome more. 

But what helps most is feeling. 

Writing. 

Thinking. 

Crying. 

Missing. 

The Rundown: 

There is Joy. There is Happiness. There is laughter. I embrace all the good in the bad. 

The Lord hears the brokenhearted. I know this. I feel this. I believe this.

Life presents it all. Christmas has a special way of stirring the emotions.  

Let us show more grace this holiday season. Many are suffering battles we know nothing about. 

My clients sit in my chair and share heartfelt stories. They share sadness, grief, and pain that no one but their hair stylist knows. 

If grief is warring in you, if you are battling, please know I am holding you tightly. I may not be able to fix you heart, but I can love you and I am sorry. 

Our hardships and hurts do produce perseverance and strength and stamina for existing in this broken world. 

We can still have sadness and have JOY. 

Happiness is dependent on circumstances, but Joy comes from within. It is being mindful of things we allow to affect our mood. 

JOY is intention. 

I can still feel loss, hurt, sadness and grief and still share Joy. 

"Ask and you will receive so that your JOY may made be full." John 16:21

Week of Dec 4-Dec 10

Distance: 67 miles.

12 runs this month

111 miles for December. 

4000 feet of elevation for the month. 

Training for Yankee Springs  50 mile: January 6th. 

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita