What if....

"Pulling up a crop to help it grow" is a very old Chinese proverb.  I read about it today doing my devotion. This particular proverb is about an impatient man in the Song Dynasty. He is eager to see his rice seedlings grow quickly, so he would pull up each plant a few inches. After a day of tedious work the man surveyed his paddy field. He was happy that his crop seemed to have "grown" taller. But his joy was short-lived. The next day, the plants had begun to wither because their roots were no longer deep. 

You can not cheat whatever "Crop" you are trying to grow. 

This was a great illustration for me this week.  

The voices in your head during a long run can be quite exhausting.  I want to have my old legs and lungs back. I want to be stronger, faster better and I want it now. I feel the frustration growing as I struggle running in places that used to be easy. So much effort with minimal results. It all just seems like a whole heck of a lot of work.  

This proverb was such a gentle reminder that growth is not something that happens overnight. And you can not cheat trying. 

Cancer was a huge set back. I want to see the fruits of my labor but growth takes time. And growth is not always the picture we see it to be. I am almost 47 years old, I may never see the strength or pace running I had 2 years ago. These thoughts can be discouraging especially when you are laboring so hard. 

BUT yesterday as I ran I thought..

What if.....

What if I quit trying back in April 2019 when I was first diagnosed?

What if on my days I got chemo I decided I shouldn't run rather than getting up early to get a few "junk" miles in? 
What if on the days I didn't feel like it I stayed on the couch rather than at least going for a walk? 

What if when my oncologist said "Anita, if you are going to run then you have to come in another day during the week for blood draws so we can monitor you closely and I said "No" because it hurts and takes extra time? 

"What if on those days I cried from exhaustion and discomfort I never even tried? 

What if when I tore my meniscus in January I decided "God didn't want me to run"? 

or What if when I suffered for months from PF I quit everything and never got on the bike that I HATE? 

Would I be running now?

Would I have been able to do the very things I complain to myself aren't good enough? 

This little Chinese proverb was such a great reminder in  multiple ways

1. Keep doing the work
2. You can't cheat growth
3. Never give up
4. Find gratitude

Saturday, I headed out to Holly Rec. The plan was to run 3 loops, 18 miles. I was prepared, I had my nutrition, my hydration my rocks to hide and even a battery for my phone so I could listen to music. 

It was a solo run but the park was not lonely. My first loop I felt great, I stayed on track. The second loop I went into it feeling good. I met some new runners and said "Hi" to everyone and their dogs. 

I paused my watch as I hid a rock and off I went. I heard a "beep beep" noise and discovered I forgot to start my watch. I wanted 18 miles. I did that 2 times, forget to turn my watch back on after dropping a rock. I knew I had lost at least a half a mile. I wanted my watch to say 18 miles. So I ran extra. I was so tired I actually fell going down one of the hills smacking my left hip. I seem to favor my left side. I fell in the same place last week and I still have a angry scrape across my shin. 

It was then, wiping myself off, assessing the damage I began to pout in my misery. 

There was no cutting corners to get to 18 miles. I knew I had to just get back up and keep going. 

I found that frown begin to grin...

I was going to finish a 18 mile run. I was hitting my goals. 

I never cheated my crop. 

When all the odds were stacked against me I never quit. 

Growth takes time, its hard work, it hurts, but you have to keep working. Learn to be patient in the process. 

Another Chinese proverbs says: 

It is impossible to add much weight with a single morsel; it is hard to travel afar with a single step.

One can't expect success overnight. Used to encourage people to work hard instead of seeking an impossible shortcut.

But GOD'S word says it perfectly.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Gal 6:9

WHAT IF you quit before something amazing was about to happen?

Anita~

Another Turkey trot in the books with these ladies! 

Get a grip

 

"Smile" my cheesy talent

I am really trying here. I find it best when everything seems so chaotic to just back deeper inside myself. I have gotten so afraid of relationships, conversations, interactions that I think it is best to communicate as little as possible, although that even gets you in trouble these days. 

I repeat mantra hoping that I will act accordingly.

"You can attract more bees with honey than you can vinegar." 

"Kill em' with kindness." 

"Turn the other cheek..."

"Try to walk in their shoes.."

But even all the good intentions and apologies, all the transparencies and gentleness does not calm storms. 

I have been trying to just "Get a Grip" and calm the storm inside myself. 

"I long to complete a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble." -Helen Keller

 

The storm I am fighting is to just come back. To feel alive again after all that cancer BS.  This covid life has stole my recovery year from me. It has taken my celebrations. It has angered  souls, embittered relationships, and covered so many of us with confusion. 

Today, I was trying to do something a little more than mediocre, something to get me out of this funk and it held a questionnaire. 

One of the questions ask you to describe a talent you have. 

I just couldn't think of any. I put Smile. Cheesy, right?!

I really have no great talent. I am a pretty average Joe. But oh if my heart could just speak it is full of zeal, it does backflips never performed. My heart is exploding with useless talent. 

I have the heart of a lion but I am just a pipsqueak in comparison. 

This week I did some epic runs. Runs so average in the world of running but in my world they were great and mighty. 

"You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or parish. And if that be so, why not now and where you stand?" -Robert Louis Stevenson

Last Thursday, I challenged myself to a run with Danielle at Kensington and Island Lake. I knew I would be chasing Danielle. Kensington is a tough trail and it hurt the whole time. Every time I looked at my watch I knew why I was out of breath and in the hurt locker.  I tried to not let my pain confuse me telling myself to "get a grip" and don't quit. 

When we finished I got all choked up. I broke a 2 hour half marathon. I honestly thought just 2 weeks that was never going to happen again. Danielle encouraged me the whole time. 

It's in the little things that weigh in our hearts to epic proportions. I can't solve the worlds problems, I can't calm everyone's storms but I can get a grip on my storms. I can fight my battles. Set my goals and chase them. I can find humble tasks victorious. 

Anita~

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalms 51:10

Out of Sight

I wear other clothes other than running, my new skirt from Poshmark! 

     

Last Tuesday, I worked and headed to church for our recovery program that I have done for the last 15 years. The problem with this little routine was me. 

Addiction is a passion for me. Growing up in the chaos of addiction didn't make me bitter rather the battle made me more compassionate for the disease. The problem was not with my passion rather my pain from surgery less than a week prior. 

I touched up my make up, pulled up my boot straps and headed to Waterford to love on those struggling worse than even I was. 

Covid has really interrupted the recovery program at the River and many recovery places all over. 

After Roger spoke, we all left the auditorium to go to our individual meetings.  

Every step hurt to walk from the auditorium to downstairs where my room was. My thighs and hips were dark from angry bruises. I winced every time I had to get up or sit down. The pain took my breath away and fatigue had now set in as the clock approached 8pm. 

OUT OF SIGHT

We all sat in a circle. "Anita, I was surprised to see you here after your surgery." Angie was the 3rd person to express her surprise to see me. 

I sat there dressed from work, with a genuine smile across my face disguising my pain. My ruffled dress concealing my blackened legs. I had a late coffee to keep me from showing my exhausting. 

"....aren't you in a lot of pain...." She follows it up with. 

"Yes, I am but it's all good." I reply.

"Are you on any painkillers?" 

"No, no, I have gone this long with out them, I am not starting now." 

A new lady intercedes "Well, you must not be in that much pain." 

And added "you don't look like your in pain..." 

Concealed. Hidden. Disguised. 

Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. some people are better at hiding it than others. Will Smith 

Soo many are going through a battle you will never know. Don't be quick to judge. 

Covid has birthed a lot of emotional hurt. A lot of grief. A lot of loss. 

Pain isn't always written across someone's face. Some fight with everything to conceal it, that doesn't mean they are not struggling. And some are very open and share it. 

Be gentle with your words and your judgments. 

In other news, 

I tried my first run post surgery one week out. I biked 20 miles and walk/ran 3 miles. 

Yep, it hurt soo bad I think I quit breathing as I gritted my teeth. 

So I tried again the next day with Complete Runner. I ran 5 miles. The pain is in my legs where Dr. Hainer did all the fat grafting. It's soreness to the next level. 

Saturday I really wanted to try and run a longer run. Andy and I ran 12 miles, it was a very quiet run as I tried to listen to my body one mile at a time. I actually ended it early for fear I might regret it later. 

I knew I had to be gentle to my recovering body today. So I headed to the gym. I wasn't sore from running but I didn't want to overdo it and possibly do damage. So I masked up, road the bike, rowed, walked and did some light weights. 

11 days later...Ouch!

”Pain nourishes courage. You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.” – Mary Tyler Moore

ANITA~

She saw Love not my ugly

ALL DONE! Girdled up and going home. 

 "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity" Col 3:14

Wednesday was my final breast reconstruction surgery, with fat grafting. Every step, every movement hurt, I think it even hurt to breath. My body felt like it went through a meat grinder. Regardless, of how much pain I was enduring I had so much peace knowing that I would no longer have to have another surgery. No more booby surgeries, no more any surgeries. I am done. I am tired and I am ready to move forward and start living life unattached to cancer. I want to heal both physically and emotionally.  Cancer brings so much trauma. And I am tired. 

I have only had my breast surgeries at Beaumont Troy. And truth be told I have had so many surgeries there I actually know the staff. 

HERE IS A CRAZY part of my story. On TUESDAY,  the day before my surgery my client came in mentioning he was heading to Beaumont after his haircut. He was representing the CRNA's at the hospital. David my client told me he would make sure I had the best anesthetist. When I showed up for surgery they knew me! He actually set me all up! 

I had the same nurse I had the last time, Janice. "Yes, I remember you, you had the best attitude..." Janice welcomed me. I was very thankful that she remembered me from a good attitude rather than something bad. You never know if you are going to have to cross over the same bridge.

Dr. Hainer came in, marked me in blue sharpie like a science project. 

They came to wheel me down to the operating room asking me if I wanted something to calm me down. 

"Nope, I am pretty relaxed, this isn't my first rodeo, thank you but no." I responded chatting with my nurses like it was their lunch break. 

The room is bright and cold. Still laughing and chatting my nurse introduces me to everyone in the very large room. George is off to my right laying out all the instruments, my nurse anesthetist is behind me preparing my juice and my nurse is putting the oxygen over my mouth, "Deep breath Anita..your doing good..." She repeated that about 5 times, a couple deep breaths later I say to her "That light is getting blurry....." 

And 2 hours later, I was shaking, cold and groggy trying to will my body awake.  

"Hello Anita, how are you, can I get you anything?" A new nurse asks. 

"Coffee please." 

2 days later...

These were actually taken today. 

My legs are pulverized. The deep purple welts were now connecting turning my legs angry and blackened.  This time it hurt even more than the last time. I had so many holes where Dr. Hainer tried to get fat I was afraid I might spring a leak. My hips, my thighs, my belly, I had steri-strips all over my body. Every time Andy looked at me he cringed. 

My nieces and nephew spent the night with me Friday night. Even though I was in the hurt locker I wanted the company to keep my mind off my misery. 

Saturday morning, I snuck into the shower. I averted my eyes from the mirror as I gingerly removed my cloths. I climbed into the shower. I was scared of even the water touching me. 

I heard little footsteps. "Oh God NOOO" I cried to myself. There was nothing I could do as my niece popped her head through the shower curtain. I had no place to hide. I grabbed the wash cloth desperately trying to hide my mutilated body. "Annt Neeta.." 

I was mortified in my ugliness. I was so scared I would frighten her. 

But I didn't. 

She didn't even notice my horridness. She just looked at me with total adoration and love. 

She walked away and I began to cry. 

She saw love. She saw security. She saw her Aunt, flawless. She saw nothing physical at all. 

This was how we should see one another. 

I wanted to hide in shame. Embarrassed by my scars, decolorizations and ugliness.  

But she didn't see my shame. She didn't see me imperfections. 

I started this post sharing my last surgery but I wanted to end it by challenging you to love this way. 

To love blindly. 

To love unconditionally. 

To love the unlovable. 

In my shame she loved me blindly. 

Lessons from a toddler.

"You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear."

Anita~

BIG B's, Exchange

"Work with what you've got not with what you hoped for." Hotel Artemis

Do you think about what used to be? What once was? Even finding yourself chasing your yesterdays, trying so hard to catch up and trying even harder to just match up but not willing to give up. 

That's me. 

I remember so many conversations with my good friend Jeff as we ran together. He would always bring up his old days, chasing them. 

He would give me all the numbers and the percentages of fitness lost with each passing year in your 40's. All those equations and extrapolations never included stupid freaking cancer. They were discouraging enough without that element. 

I went out for my final run before another surgery this Wednesday. 

Under the knife I go. I hate it. 

"Work with what you've got not with what you hoped for." Hotel Artemis

(Andy and I watched this movie this week, I quickly jotted this quote down.) 

It would have been great to have your breasts completely removed and perfectly done the first time but that just is NOT the norm. 

Mom came over today. "Mom, can you put this tape on my scar?" I lifted up my shirt as she lovingly looked at my nakedness to place the scar tape on me. She could see the imperfections commenting "...you know Nita, I had to have 2 surgeries..." Andys mom had a mastectomy years ago as well. 

I responded, "Mom, I know people don't know what they are saying but they say things like 'Well, you got new boobs out of it'..."  I followed up with "I had to go through CANCER, CHEMO and hell,  I would take my double A's, middle aged sagging boobies back in a heart beat." 

I don't think people understand I DON'T want to have another surgery. I don't want to get cut again, I don't want to get poked, sliced or drugged. It hurts, it sucks, its scary. No matter how I have been, I am strong because I can't be weak. So "why" I know you are asking?  Because I am 46 years old and I still care about what I look like. I have an incredible surgeon that wants me to look good. And I appreciate him caring soo much. 

I never hoped to have perfect Hollywood breasts. I have angry scars and I am about to have more. But I can work with that. 

This is a great picture of how "little" I care about how BIG my breast can be. This was taken 3 months ago. I literally went so small that, that is why I have to have another surgery. 

"Work with what you've got not with what you hoped for." Hotel Artemis

I thought of this today on my final run when everything hurt and I couldn't breath up yet another hill. 

Every time I looked at my watch it was so much slower than my body thought I was running. 

I grunted, whined, winced, prayed, grimaced and just kept trying. 

When I had a breath, I laughed at hard I was trying, my pace was slowing down but I was so excited I hadn't face planted in the dirt. I could barely see the trail between my eyes watering from the cold and all the leaves hiding ankle twisting rocks and roots.  I was running at a pace that seemed like a gazelle but in reality it was more like a turtles crawl but I kept a mindful eye on my mile splits. I was  desperately trying to achieve anything in the 10-11m/mile pace. "Oh God it hurts so bad" I cried. 

I wondered, am I "HOPING" for more than I am capable of"? Am I chasing something unattainable? 

I let all these thoughts play like a broken record and just when I was ready to give up and walk,  "Polk Salad Annie" came on by Tony Joe White. This half crazy smirk came across my face at mile 10 along with a second wind. I couldn't stop laughing at the lyrics. And I found myself thinking....

"I've got this...I can work with what I've got...."

I can work with what I have. I can have hope but I have so much to be thankful for. I can work with this. 

Prayers for surgery PLEASE. I will be at Beaumont Troy. Implant exchange and fat grafting. I am not sure where they are going to get the fat. I have been eating everything but the kitchen sink trying to keep my weight on. Chips, cookies, cheese, cake and eating all through the night. 

Sorry for the undies shot, its not perverse it is clinical. keep it that way! 

Its the fat grafting that hurts so bad. I was bruised for weeks with mini scars all over my body. I am having to go bigger, A BIG B cup! Look out Dolly! I'm keeping em' small, that way you will still love me for my personality! 

Anita~

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen