Wrong side of the tracks.

No matter how many times you get knocked down, keep getting back up. God sees your resolve. He sees your determination. And when you do everything you can do, that's when God will step in and do what you can't do.     

Joel Osteen

 I should have made a better mental note that it was Monday. The day of the week that if something is going to go kittywampus, Monday is that day.

I had my arm sleeves for the pic...But sadly I never found the little jerk that just about did me in! 

 I laid there with my left side crushed in the railroad tracks. I felt a sharp piecing pain through my elbow as I struggled to get up. I reached my left hand out to lift me off the railroad ties only to discover my hand throbbing like someone was hitting it with a hammer. I hurt so bad I began to shake, questioning the strength in my legs as I stumbled to my feet. I began assessing the damage, trying to move my fingers, I saw a gash on my palm from the jagged rocks heavily scattered on the tracks. Everything hurt so bad, I felt drained of all energy. I knew better. I should never have been running on the tracks. I just had to turn around to find my arm sleeve. It was a miracle I didn't fall the first time I ran down them to Academy road but when I discovered I had lost my new "Rooster Endurance" arm sleeve I turned around and jumped back on the tracks to retrace my steps. I turned unto the tracks and my foot slipped on the railroad ties, down I went like a sack of potatoes. My heart was pounding and I just wanted to quit but I was 3 miles from home and I wanted to find my arm sleeve. So I just walked, waiting to feel good enough to try and run again. 

When I didn't feel better I called Andy. "Andy,  I fell, really hard, I think I broke my finger.....My elbow is hurting really bad...." Andy responded "..are your legs working? How are your feet?....Can you move?.." 

I hung up with Andy and slowly picked up my pace. Get back up, dust your self off and keep going. 

Monday. 

It started out with over 8 hours of sleep, I can not tell you the last time I have slept like that in months. Granted the sleep was a bit over due considering I had been up for about 24 hours supporting a runner friend of ours to his first 100 mile race. CONGRATS to RYAN. This guy ran his first 100 down the  Paint Creek and Polly Ann Trail. I ran and biked with him for 25 miles. I brought the bike and my speaker for the last 10 miles, somewhere around 2am. RUNNERS NOTE: There is power in music, once the music started jamming he dropped his pace more than 3 minutes a mile! For a 23:17 hour 100miler! 

RYAN first 100! He finished at 6:35am-ish with a alot of support, Ryan, Brad, Ryan, RD from Bear Lake, Me, Andy, Antonio, Ryan(in chair) and Jason. 

Refreshed, recovered and ready to take on a busy day, I tackled each appointment this morning with flying colors. 

*Dr. Hainer (Breast Surgeon) 10:30am. I waited in my fancy patient room with my jeans on and a pink paper vest covering my tatas. I love my plastic surgeon. This is my 4th appointment to decide if I should have one more surgery. I have a lot of ripples still. I was warned that this could happen because I didn't go bigger. Dr. Hainer comes in wearing scrubs and matching blue Crocks. "How are you doing Anita?"  I smile as I always do and say "Good". I smile inside because it really is the truth. I am doing good. "Come over here, let me take a look." I hop off the table and walk around facing him. His hands are cold, I can feel this. I moves my breast around, mumbling under his breath. Then he is silent and just starting at me. "Well, What do you think?" I respond, "WHAT do you think?" And very assertively he says "I'm not happy, this is what I want to do......Lets move forward ....its an easy surgery..." And just like that we decided to go through with one more surgery. I trust his judgment. I have been through a lot the last year, I want to be done but I want no regrets. Cancer has taken a lot from me, I do not want to finish this with any second thoughts. So with all courage and faith I will go under the knife one more time. Before Dr. Hainer left he redirected his concern to my scars under my breast. "Anita, what are you taking for those?" I responded "Nothing, I keloid so I just assumed that was the way they should look." And then I got a lesson on keloids. I actually have a "Hypertrophic Scar" 

Keloid  is a type of raised scar. Unlike other raised scars, keloids grow much larger than the wound that caused the scar. Not everyone who gets a scar will develop a keloid. If you have keloid-prone skin, however, anything that can cause a scar may lead to a keloid 

Where my scars have not grown out of the wound, they are just angry looking. He sold me a adhesive that will go over the wound and help to heal it. 

Smiling after leaving Dr. Hainers to move into the final phase, I headed to the dentist for my 6 month cleaning. My teeth looked good, this surprised me. The chemo did so much damage in every part of my body I was afraid to get my results of my cleaning. 

The rain kept my wipers in constant movement leaving Auburn Hills.  I felt my eye lids getting heavy as I headed home. I still had things to get done and needed to get to the gym and avoid getting rained on.
Unconsciously, I found myself getting dressed to run outside. A rain run might be a little miserable but not as miserable as wearing a mask in the gym and losing 40 minutes of drive time there and back. I had no idea how miserable it was going to get. 

I never found my arm sleeve as I took the long route backwards. I saw Andy running towards me. He came to meet me and check on me on his run. I stopped my watch and rested my head on his chest. I showed him all my boo boo's and he laughed at me. "Ok, your going to be alright..." I was, I just wanted to be babied a little. I decided to get my head in the game and head back home a little stronger, a little faster. No sense in giving up over a few cuts and scrapes, right? 

That was today's Little Lesson. Fall down, cry, scream maybe even cuss. Then catch your breath, get up, assess the damage, clean yourself off  and get back out there. I initially wanted to quit. I went to call Andy to pick me up and take me home. I was in agony. I finished that run, I might have ran slower, I might have looked like a drowned rat with mascara smeared all down my face. I might have looked like I lost in a cat fight but I finished todays run. Don't Quit. Get back out there. 

I'm most proud of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me, in my life. He's given me the vision to truly see that you can fall down, but you can still get back up. Hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes and have the opportunity to strengthen and improve the next thing I do.     

Martin Lawrence

A fun run with the girls this week. DONUTS! Rachel lead us on the course for the Applefest virtual 4 miler. Diehls gave us cider and donuts for running the course!

~ANITA

Everything has its place.

 "In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it." Mitch Albom

My new work photo...Those CURLS! Keep the gray or color it??

It feels good to feel good. A crisp September morning where the first frost rests across all things still growing.  

It feels good to have the sun warm your skin from the chill of the season change. The smells are different. The leaves are different, all things changing. 

I am about to loose the summer. It is about the slip away. 

So much has slipped away from so many of us. 2020. 

Some of us have lost things quite abruptly, while some of us have had grief just drift in and out. 

I have absolutely NO right to complain about 2020.  To even complain about wearing masks is absurd. This election has lead people to Crazytown. 

I keep hearing people say "2020 can just be over..." 

2020 has not been easy but I have so much to be thankful for. All my surgeries, my radiation my PF, my jacked up knee, my gym being closed, not working for 3 months...I have NO right to complain. 

I am CANCER FREE. 

I have health. 

I have my family. 

I am working again. 

I got to go on little vacations. 

Everything has a place and there is just no place for me to write off 2020 because of my life being out of sorts from Covid. 

Most of us are so spoiled with our time, our finances, our extra curricular activities we have no idea what it really is like to suffer. 

I have 4 cars in my driveway. Every person in my household has a car, it might not be new or spiffy but just having 2 CARS makes you wealthy in site of this world. 

And yet we get upset that our life has been disrupted by this pandemic. 

I am so convicted. July I was so depressed, my body was so broken, my heart was broken and I just couldn't find a place for gratitude knowing God had saved my life. I knew what real Hell was like. I had already been through Hell and back fighting cancer. But I continued to complain to God as I imagined Job did. I tried to manage my grief, painting more rocks than I had paint. 

Then this crazy boot came along helping to heal my PF faster then I would have ever expected. With that boot came a conviction. Each day my pain got better and better allowing me to do more and more. Each day reminding me how much I have to be thankful for. 

This week I will have ran over 40 miles. Next week, I will be 1 year out from Chemo. Ahh, so much to celebrate. SO much to appreciate. 

My mother always taught me that "Everything has a place." I want to challenge you to find a place for your anger, your resentments, your frustrations, whatever negative emotions that are on display for everyone to see and find a place for them. I reminded myself that it is Ok to have feelings that are not always rainbows and butterflies, its called LIFE. But all emotions have a place, all moments, all circumstances, all victories, successes and failures have a place. I was letting my negative emotions distract me from all the victories I have been blessed with. Everything has a place but those negative emotions were a distraction leaving my heart untidy and cluttered. I was letting them litter the victory of being cancer free. The untidiness of self loathing, pity and sadness was more than just a distraction it was becoming a habit. I had never struggled that long before.  

Everything has a place. It is fine to have emotions that are not pleasing but it is not fine to not try to manage them. "One thing you can't hide is when  you are crippled inside." John Lennon

If 2020 has you upset and you are having difficulty finding gratitude...Feel free to celebrate ME! Next week is my 1 YEAR!!! 

Anita~

Small Victories

 "Acknowledge all of your small victories. They will add up to something good." Kara Goucher, World Championships Silver Medalist

I just wanted to run with the big dogs. I wanted to at least try to stay with them as long as I could. Tonight "Altra" would have a table with their shoes at Complete Runner for us to try on for our group run. It was a good thing because I showed up in my VANS, forgetting my muddy running shoes at home. I wanted to push myself. If my body let me run without any pain, if my feet didn't burn or ache I wanted soo badly to stay push my pace with the faster runners. 

Our first mile was 8:30min/mi. That is really fast for me these days. But we were all laughing at Antoniou and Ryans crazy stories and jokes. Andy gently warned me to slow down, even grabbing my arm in concern. "Ugh, you are so stubborn..."

Stubborn? Stupid? A glutton for punishment? I don't know. I am not going down without a fight. I came out of the womb fighting. It is hard to take the fight out of you when all you know is to clench your fists and fight.

Not every fight is won. Not every fight should be fought. But I would rather recover from a fight fought then be left with the regret of never trying.

So many small victories this week. Victories don't show up wrapped in bubble wrap and delivered by the UPS guy. 

I fought for every victory, every little victory. Every pace, every mile, every good attitude. 

I fought this week to forgive. I fought this week to show compassion. I fought this week to love better, to be a better listener and to remove those destructive thoughts. 

I fought Wednesday, biking and running back to back in the rain, alone with my own miserable thoughts, I fought. 

I fought today at mile 4 when everything was getting so hard. My breathing was heard by everyone. I couldn't hold a conversation any longer. I fell back a few seconds fighting to stay close. My side was burning like a new runner. I kept my eyes focused on the traffic light a half mile ahead. 
Andy, just a step behind me  encourages me, "Your doing good...". He resigned to just letting me run. 

I'm gonna keep fighting for those little victories. 

Our little victories make a big difference. 

Its in the little things. If you can't acknowledge the little things you will never notice or appreciate the large things. 

Yesterday, Christa at work shampooed my hair. READ that again. I HAD MY HAIR SHAMPOOED. Andrea grabbed my blow dryer and helped me blow my hair out....When I was alone I RAN my finger through my hair. I felt my face flush, my eyes blinked back the tears. Last year, I was bald, hairless. I could feel my hair as it slipped through my fingers. I could smell the perfume in the shampoo. I could feel my hair blowing when the blow dryer worked the moisture out of it. 

 "Acknowledge all of your small victories. They will add up to something good." 

A lot can change in a year. Today was my 6 month check up with my Breast Surgeon, Pam Johnson. I LOVE this lady. She is my hero. Today, she helped remind me of all my little victories. 

I AM ASKING FOR PRAYER. Can you PLEASE pray for my friend Dave. I met him last year volunteering at a race. He had NO IDEA I was battling cancer until my afro flew off from a costume I was wearing. Boy did I give everyone a shock! Well Dave was having seizures a few months ago and they discovered a tumor on his brain. Tomorrow he is undergoing a very long surgery in Ann Arbor. He will be asleep for some of it but he will also be away for some of it too. Please lift him up in prayer. 

Anita~

Seasons

 Todays devotional was about seasons. Ecc 3:1 "There is a season for everything under the sun.." It talked about all the different seasons we go through. 

*Biological Seasons: Childhoold, single years, marriage for some,  parenting for some, empty nest, golden years ect.

Seasons of loss: Death, loss of dreams, loss of health, financial loss, job loss ect..

Seasons of transition: the years of change. 

Often when I think of the season I am in it is usually because I am waiting patiently to get out of it. For me it is a period of time that has given me grief and I just want to come out from the dark clouds. 

I never thought of the season of victory as a season, 2010-2012, this was a season when I was strong and fearless. When I was running fast and strong. 

I think I thought it would last forever. 

But the last couple years I have been in a new season. A season of transition. A season my body has began to age only my mind hasn't caught up with it. This season causes a lot of grief. 

Cancer was a big slap in the face. It really put life into perspective for me. 

As I went out for a little run today my whole body ached. I was ever so grateful to run. I didn't run fast, I didn't run far. I did the best I could trying to be grateful. 

I thought about my aging body later that day. 

The scars under my breasts after being opened and cut on 3 times are still angry. 2 thick keloids mark my breasts as a reminder that I have a gene that will forever haunt me. 

These new boobies, pretty clothed but still unnatural naked. 

3 more scars across my belly where my ovaries were removed. 

Scars on my thighs from fat grafting.

Another meaty keloid where my chemo port hid for 10 months.  

Ahh and the gray hair. Wiry and course. These gray hairs tangle in my once very deep rich brown hair. 

"God makes everything beautiful in His timing." Ecc 3:11. 

See later on in that passage Solomon reminds us we are not the Time Master. 

Some season are ugly. But God makes all things beautiful. 

Even at 46 years old I battle insecurity. I see my body changing from cancer and from age. My muscles are not as defined, my 6 pack is a gone, my legs crepe and dimple. My booty has lost its shape and I am seeing weird creases in different places. 

I am  in this season of transition. Realizing I am aging. The creases are deepening, the dark circles are harder to cover up and the lines are not laughing! 

But to find gratitude. Every scar, every mark, every dark circle and line tells a story. A story of overcoming the odds. 

A story of fighting a battle I would never wish on anyone. 

I remember thinking as a child "God, how much more are you going to let me take, I just want to die, this is too hard." 

I would cry myself to sleep many nights broken with frustration as I listened my uncle screaming at my mother drunk. I would try to play my music as loud as I could so I didn't hear the fighting. 

"How much more God, how much more..." 

I thought that season would last forever. 18 years seemed like forever. Then the death of my mom at 18 abruptly ended that season in my life. 

A new season without any parents to guide you, to teach you, to love you. Alone. A season different then I had prayed. 

All God wanted from me was to NOT GIVE UP. 

I didn't know that every heartache, every heart break, every unfortunate circumstance that I thought God was picking on was going to strengthen me. 

Like a 45 year training program. I remember when I used to box. I would take my shoes off and go bare foot and throw round houses to the punching bag until my feet were bruised and numb. Over time I got stronger till I hardly felt it. 

God was preparing me for the hardest fight of my life. Training me in some ugly seasons. Teaching me, guiding me and always loving me. 

Seasons do not last forever. Some seasons are very Ugly. But in His timing He will make them beautiful. 

Every scar has a story. Aesthetically they might not be beautiful, but to me the story behind each one, the story of Gods hands on me makes them beautiful. 

Anita~