Peace: A Verb.

Peace. The quiet place where we are void of movement?
Where we feel content in the midst of chaos?
Where the sparrow rests between the cliffs amongst a raging storm?
Is PEACE a verb?
Most of us seek unknowingly this thing called PEACE.

Our darkness is still and quiet with an overwhelming tension hidden in its depths.
We can't see it, but OH, we can feel it. Our anxious hearts tremble unknowingly.
Our seas appear so calm but there is an under current just below the surface waiting to capture us.

I was reading in Colossians , "Let the PEACE of Christ rule in your hearts."
We think of PEACE as inactivity, but it is very much a verb.
Christs PEACE is not a passive absence of chaos or conflict rather a mediator in the middle of the circumstance that causes us anguish.

Christs PEACE is not a denial of chaotic circumstances but a commitment to the fact that HE is enough for ALL your circumstances.

I sit quietly these days in some kind of "recovery".  I have hours and hours alone. Painting rocks, thinking, grieving and questioning. I am too broken to kick and scream so I sit and calmly paint my little rocks. My mind settles in the details.

Austin says to me the other day smirking,  "Mom, I have noticed you are so much calmer now that you paint rocks." I just looked at him sideways. He also told me I am aging at the same rate as our 11 year old boxer, Sheba. So yeah.

The definition of INSANITY is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Staying in this darkness is not working.
The waves keep crashing, leaving me lifeless, sad, so sad. Sensitive. Like a really bad sun burn, everything hurts so bad.

In my chaos, I chose to keep my last surgery on the down low. Depression leads to isolation, that's just where I was at. Seriously, 2 surgeries in 11 days.
Unless you called or you asked, I didn't tell.
******
PEACE: Collision
Lacey called me 2 days before my surgery. I was very cryptic answering her questions. She knew something was going on. "Anita, why are you acting so weird? What aren't you telling me?"
Apathetically, I told her I had surgery again on Tuesday.
We conversed a little more with her finishing up with "Monday, I am picking you up at 7:30am and I will drop you off at midnight, I will work the details out and get back with you."
I didn't have the energy to argue.

Monday, just as she promised she was in my driveway at 7:35am. And I didn't pull back home until 12:25am.
She planned an all day adventure to Lake Michigan State parks.

It felt awkward to smile, to laugh, to enjoy life again.
To share friendship again. The intimate friendship that I missed.
We hiked in the woods, we bathed in the sun, we walked quietly along the beaches, and we gazed out into the evening sunset.
I began to feel this PEACE filling me. Gently holding me in my fragility.

Tuesday Morning, I sat half naked calmly awaiting my 7th surgery in 15 months. Even when they can't locate my Covid test results or when they poke me with my IV, I peacefully just wait.
And I Pray.

Very large tear but easy surgery. It took a lot of my meniscus out but he said I would be good for "10-15 years" Our time is all borrowed, Life it fully.

I walk out of the surgery center just as Dr. Lewis promises. My sweet nurse blesses me, telling me she was going to pray for me as she held my hand to the car.

The next day I prayed. Differently. With deep faith, with hope, and contentment, some might even call PEACE.
Hobbling around, with even my feet still aching, I prayed. I needed God to give me PEACE in this process of healing, ALL over HEALING. Healing my broken body, broken heart and broken spirit.
"Let the PEACE of Christ rule in your hearts."
RULE: Reside, Govern..
No matter how bad our storm is, Christ calls us to allow HIS peace to reside in our hearts. His peace will not make our circumstances necessarily change but it will allow us to have His peace in the midst of it.
This is hard in the way I want what I want NOW. For my body to fully be healed and to get out there and get going, However, it is God timing and I CAN have HIS PEACE in the process.
His Peace to rule in my heart.



Recovery. 
Dr. Lewis told Andy I could "resume" normal activity as I felt. He didn't want me working for 10 days because I am standing upright on my feet all day.
I was so excited to get the call on Friday my bike was finally done after a month. A tune up, a new hanger, and a new derailer.
Friday I hiked at Holly rec, hiding my painted rocks.  My knee didn't hurt. My feet were annoyed.
Yesterday I BIKED! 10 miles! Not hard, not fast, but I BIKED and it didn't hurt my feet or my knee.
The swelling is about gone, but the stitches still remain.
I look like Raggedy Ann with all my stitches!

Special thanks to : 
Lacey, for our adventures.
Mom, She takes such good care of me. She hated not being able to be there for my surgery, she made the family an amazing dinner and dessert.
My niece Becca who stopped by after working all day, the day of my surgery with roses and a card.
My niece Sarah for stopping over with COFFEE from Tim Hortons and her kiddos.
Thank you for the thoughtful texts and calls the last few days. Thank you for loving me when I haven't been so lovable.

Special Thank you to Shelby, Austins Girlfriends. She sat with me last night on the deck talking about Jesus together, she confirmed this post on PEACE.
Anita~

"Our Sunset." 

Take a little piece of my heart...

I have not performed some of my greatest acts the last few weeks. I have said a few things I wish I could have taken back. 

I have thought some thoughts that were not real inspiring. 

I am just really struggling with myself. 

I had a real top notch out burst earlier this week. 

Sore and frustrated I tried to climb into bed. I squealed as my legs felt my weight collide with the mattress. I couldn't find a comfortable position due to my back also being extremely sore from the cyst Dr. Hainer removed along with the other areas he worked on. 

Quietly, I just drew back into myself. 

I sat there blankly, numb and apathetic. 

"Anita, you know, your not alone, I have been in this journey too...it hurts me to see you like this..." Andy said concerned. 

I snapped. 

"NO, NO one has been on MY JOURNEY but me! You have to watch me on YOUR JOURNEY, but its not MINE. MY journey is full of PAIN, my journey is full of bruises and surgeries and sickness, my journey doesn't let me have one day without pain. EVERYDAY I hurt, I can't walk, I can't run, I can't go to the gym, I hurt everyday. AND you can't FEEL THAT, no one can feel that but me!" I cried like a blazing lunatic. 

And instantly I saw his broken heart. I felt terrible for snapping at him. 

I can't even trust myself these days. 

Noone tells you that when you get through cancer you are not done yet. They don't tell you that getting through CANCER isn't a destination it is a process, You journey doesn't end when you ring cowbells. In many ways it is just a new chapter , Chapter 2  "Recovering from residual cancer damage". 

And it sucks. 

My friend and client Kathy came in to see me at work last week. She is 2 years post breast cancer. "Nita, I feel like a 80 year old, my body has aged so much...." I could see the deep sadness in her eyes.

It took everything to keep from crying. It was like God put her with me to encourage me, to let me know I am not alone. 

Take a little piece of my heart....

And another piece....

I found out this week I will be having 2 more surgeries. 

One of them this week. 

I cancelled all physical therapy. 

I tried to breathe. I tried to smile, often times I can convince myself everything will be better if I just keep smiling. But I found myself crying out to God. 

TAKE ANOTHER PEICE OF MY HEART NOW BABY....

Yesterday, thick with humidity, temperatures rising to the 80's, I dressed to run. I haven't ran in almost 3 weeks. My deeply bruised legs from my fat grafts have hardly allowed me to even walk. The anger, frustrations, depression and multitude of ill mannered emotions resulted in a big middle finger at life.
Break or be broken I laced my shoes up to run with Andy. 

Void of conversation, I ran following Andy on the trails at Holly Rec. I talked to myself, trying to figure out what was hurting, if it was going to cause more damage, or what I could run through when Andy turned on some music. Old school tunes, "Oh Sheila", Billy Idol "Dancing with Myself" then my favorite Janice Joplin "Take a little Piece of my Heart". 

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. 

Oh, Oh, break it

Break another little bit of my heart now, darling

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh, oh, have another little piece of my heart now,  baby...

The song has everything to do with having a man take a piece of your heart, but for me, it was LIFE. Life keeps taking another piece of my heart. 

And I just keep trying. 

Trying to not give up. Taking a few pauses, shedding a few tears, trying to stay patient with everyone, myself included and desperately trying to not get bitter. 

 1 Peter 5:10
“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”

As I read, I am reminded to stay strong. Keep my Faith in God. God will restore me in His timing. 

I am stronger than I feel. I have been through a lot in a year, more than some people could do in a lifetime. I can't fall apart now. 

Anita

After running with Andy I dropped my kayak in the lake knowing a storm was coming.  The skies deepened, then danced with lightning. I made a couple friends also on the water, I caught up to them as the skies opened up growling with thunder we paddled our little hearts back  to shore! 

I want the rainbow.

"We should just put you out to pasture." close family members banter with me..I am falling apart at the seams. 

Yesterday, I had what I hoped to be my final breast surgery. I didn't advertise it. I am sure I am getting exhausting. Cancer can be exhausting to everyone. 

The Procedure:

Fat grafting, they remove fat from areas of your body and inject that fat around my implants. They do this to soften the ridges and creases. 

Prepping for surgery: Wash for 2 days prior to surgery with DIAL Gold, this soap is a antibacterial. 

Nothing to eat or drink after midnight and then only clear liquids. I snuck a 1/4 cup of coffee in me around 6:30am, surgery wasn't until 12:05, however we had to be at Troy Beaumont at 10:30. And boy was I glad I did that, my surgery got bumped to 1:15pm.

I had to have a driver but I couldn't have any visitors. This made me sad mom couldn't be there, she hast miss one. 

Andy couldn't come back with me due to Covid. I sat in the same room I was in when I had my last surgery. The hospital is so cold, almost damp feeling. I sat in the room alone, uncomfortably familiar. 

Sterile smelling like straight up antibacterial. In front of my tiny room hung a large round clock. You could hear it clicking with the faint sounds of doors opening and closing down the halls.  Gentle chatter from the nurses to each other and the patients. This chime would interrupt all these sounds. For over an hour I listened to it until I didn't notice it. They let Andy come back and actually stay with me for the last hour. 

I saw Pam Johnson outside my room, she was my surgeon for the Mastectomy. Then Dr. Hainer steps in connecting with all of us. "Look Guys, its a reunion, we are all back together." I laughed to see them. Pam told me she wears the personal cape I gifted her all the time, her grandkids love it. 

Dr. Hainer is my plastic surgeon, the one who would be doing the fat grafting. 

As Pam walks away, I hear her telling someone in the hall "She is my favorite patient". I smile. 

"Ok Anita, remove your gown from the top" Dr Hainer says holding his pen.  I am standing up and he is crouched down inches from my boobies. Not awkward at all.  

Then he asked me to lower it more so he can see my belly, assessing where he would be drawing fat. The belly is typically the number one spot. I knew I was in trouble when they weighed me and I am down to 106lbs. As soon as he looks at my belly he grunts "Ugh, Anita." The last time he saw me I was 109 and he as excited I had belly fat. But this time he was challenged. 

With him still hunkered down he told me to remove my gown all the way. I was taking back, my special place was at his eyes. Andy quietly laughed, he could tell I was mortified. 

As he looked my body over for fat he was struggling UNTIL...he saw my saddle bags. He then had a big smile on his face, "OH! This is good, this is our friend!"  

I have had dimples and saddlebags almost my whole life, I was glad that was where he would be drawing the most fat from. 

With blue markings on my thighs, the inside of my legs and between my knees I got back into my bed and things began moving. The nurse came back, she put some relaxing juice in my IV. Within seconds I felt myself getting woozy. I said goodbye to Andy and as they put the mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply. I was still awake when they brought me into the surgical room. I saw a big tray of implements and asked if those were all mine. She said that's just a few! 

That is the last I remember. 

Pic 1, my Beaumont socks, I have a collection. Pic 2 they put the IV in my hand bc I can not have anything done on my right side due to my lymph nodes being removed. Pic 3 DR. Hainer took fat from my inside legs, funny place to have fat! Bottom left, I couldn't get the blood to stop, Austin cleaned it up for me. Pic 5 bruising on outside thighs. Pic 6, they buried me in towels at post opt, I couldn't quit shaking. 

I could barely wake up in the discharge room. My whole body was shaking uncontrollable. They continued to give me more hot blankets. I tried to open my eyes only to fall back to sleep. An hour later Andy was getting me dressed and I was being wheeled out to the car. 

I couldnt wait to get home.

I had a pocket of fat removed from both my knees. It wouldn't stop bleeding, Austin cleaned it up for me. 

Soreness. A lot of blood draining and soreness. Dr. Hainer also drained a cyst I had on my back, that was causing a lot of discomfort. The wound leaked through my bandages and ruined my blouse with blood. When we arrived home both the boys were home from working.  Austin was very attentive to me. He cleaned my blood up and was very sweet.

They put me in this one piece garment that looking like a water suit. I have NO idea how they squeezed me into it. I didn't know that the crotch was open! It is supposed to make it easier to go "Potty" as Dr. Hainer puts it.
It wasn't that easy, I peed all over it!
My legs are all kinds of bruised. Tender.

That is just some of the bruising!

I rested all night with that corset thing on but I couldn't sleep in it. 

In other news. Dr. Abraham put the results to my MRI in my portal. He asked "PLEASE" go see Dr. Lewis, you are going to need surgery."
"Susceptibility artifacts are demonstrated along the lateral aspect of the knee joint and in the Hoffa's fat pad adjacent to the distal fibers of the anterior cruciate ligament.." blah blah blah.. In a nutshell My meniscus is torn and it looks like I have fragments in there causing the knee to lock up.
I see the surgeon for my knee next Monday.

I kept my surgery yesterday on the down low. Mostly, because I am low and I have exhausted people.
I am struggling in a dark place for the last couple weeks.
I am struggling with myself and quite frankly others.
People are people. "Expectations are premature resentments." This is my ugly honesty.
When I struggle I tend to isolate myself. It is a form of protecting myself.  And possibly others.
I shut down. I had a couple friends reach out to me yesterday, it was very nice. It meant a lot.
I just needed to be alone. I can't protect others from myself when I am in this dark place.

One day at a time. I am trying to wrap my head around another surgery. Trying not to get any more frustrated and discouraged.

I have these moments that make me laugh. Like yesterday with Pam Johnson. She said she was sad for me to hear I had Plantar Fasciitis in both feel.  And my torn meniscus. I blamed it on CHEMO.
Dr. Johnson laughed at me, "Anita, that Chemo saved your life..." I replied "I KNOW, but I am blaming everything on Chemo, You saved my life!"
Sometimes it is a few words, a little dialogue, even a smile to make you feel better.
I am grateful to mom, Andys mom for making us dinner and dessert last night. She even brought over my favorite Greek salad from Highland House. But the amount of love, concern and thoughtfulness means so much to me.

Special thanks to all those that reached out to me yesterday. Cancer Sucks. My broken body sucks.
Keep on keeping on.

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” —Dolly Parton
I want the rainbow.
Anita~

Wonders.

My thoughts are connecting every week more and more. I am now coming unto 10 months post chemo.
I get so excited when I remember that I am remembering things.
People are not looking at me strange because I have repeated a story 3 times. 1 "Anita story" is BAD enough, it shouldn't be repeated even then!

As I type, I can see my reflection in the screen, I have a full blown Bozo the clown hairstyle going on. It is full of thick salt and pepper colored curls sprawling in different directions.

I have lost some of my chemo weight but still can not get my shorts buttoned.

My scars are fading, some bruising still appears where my port was removed in March.

Menapause has been gentle to me. I really haven't noticed much other than the hot flashes.

And yet.....

I have so much recovering still to do. Wednesday, I have one last surgery on my breasts. Fat grafting to try and conceal the ripples around my breasts.
To be quite honest, I really don't even care that my boobies have ridges and creases around them. I showed someone the other day and they got squeamish.
I am just done.

I remember saying "I don't want Breast Cancer to be my story, maybe a chapter but not my whole story."
I had no idea the impact cancer was going to have on me.

It doesnt just alter your body physically, it changes you as a person.
It changes ….
Your relationships.
Your finances.
Your emotions.

And the reality is, no one will every understand until they walk in your shoes. A journey I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I have been struggling for months.
I find the silver lining in most things.
I make sure my cup is half full and not half empty.
I turn my frown upside down.

But lately I hear my responses to people when they ask "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine...."

Wonders...

Chronicles 16:12 "Remember the wonders He has done, His miracles and the judgements He has pronounced..." 

I was gently reminded that the God of yesterdays wonders is still the same God today.
In my struggles, my emotional fragments scattered like broken china I am trying to pick up the peices.
I wish in some ways my memory wouldn't come back.
My sensitive self is struggling.
As I continue to pick my pieces up and I intentionally reminding myself of His Wonders He has already done in me.

In the stresses of the day, the chaos of the world, the fears of tomorrows, the confusion in our relationships, the pains of daily life, let us not forget the Wonders of yesterday.

Anita.