Wake Up Call

There is just a lot going on in every corner. 
Protesting.
Rioting.
Covid
Quarantine.
Politics

Everyone has an opinion. We are all suffering some sort of grief. 
We have all encountered a degree of LOSS. 
A Routine.
Patience.
Finances.
Health.
Security.
Relationships.
Peace.
Employment.

Grief often comes with pain, 

The problem with pain as of late is that many are dealing with it incorrectly. 
"Hurting people hurt people." 

I love what Pamela Anderson said in In Style magazine last month "I think [this period of time] is a wake-up call about our relationships and how fragile we all are. It has brought some people closer. Human connection is a lost art. Let’s hope this is a way to relearn how to be together. Or even be apart in a healthy way. Nothing will ever be the same."

So well said.

 I try not to listen to the news too much or too long. 

My head almost spun off its axis last night when our Governor overturned gyms opening. I was counting the days down to get back to the gym. 

My grief. My pain.

 Physical therapy is going well, speaking of pain! PT is the best routine I have and the closest thing to a work out I get.

I enjoyed kayaking yesterday and even snuck in a little 5K run with Andy at Sorenson Park. I had to beg him, he was so tired but ran for me on tired legs. 

Collision:

A "wake up call" for many things this season. During quarantine, I have learned a lot about myself, others and relationships. 

I have learned I can not change how people act or  react to me or life. 

Time is valuable and I am grateful for the opportunities to love on people and more grateful to those that have chose to love on me. 

Today I went back over to Andys maw maw to cut her hair. 

We have been in this big debate for weeks, she wouldn't let me cut her hair because I wouldn't take any money. I tried to explain to her that I have the gift to do it and I want to bless her but she wouldn't let me. 

Today, I finally took her 20$ because she really did need a hair cut and it made her happy. 

It wasnt about me, It was about her. I had to quit being stubborn and let her pay me because it made her happy. "Anita, you don't take no money, no money for cleaning or buying my coffee, now your gonna take my money or you not gonna cut it...."

I bantered with her a lil bit more but took her money with a smile, because I just love being with her. The time I have gotten with her the last few years is priceless. 

Read it again. 

"I think [this period of time] is a wake-up call about our relationships and how fragile we all are. It has brought some people closer. Human connection is a lost art. Let’s hope this is a way to relearn how to be together. Or even be apart in a healthy way. Nothing will ever be the same."

And in closing I love what my dear friend Holly Parry quoted to me this week, "Don't make people a priority who make you an option." 

Anita~

Something Between Me and Nothing.

 “Security is mostly a superstition. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” – Life Quote by Helen Keller

Sometimes you have to experience a bottom to really appreciate the view from the top.

There are people that are born with a spirit of gratitude and humility.

I am not sure I was ever born with that. I can tell you that I have been given many experiences to help me to learn gratitude. I thought by the age of 18 God had supplied me with enough life experiences that I had arrived into adulthood.

I lived on my own.
Both parents had died of addiction.
I worked and went to school.
I was my own best enemy.

Being an ACOA (adult child of an addict) I found myself insecure and yet overly confident.
I felt like every one could read my history. As if I should just wear a tee shirt that read "Trailer Park Girl".
And on the other hand, I walked around with my middle finger up at the world for all the abuse I had to endure.

By the grace of God I grew. God softened my heart and calmed my spirit. He mended my brokenness giving me more confidence in Him and not the world.

I discovered at 40 years old that my own worst enemy was myself. That I had spent all my life fighting with my birth. It was then time to learn to Love Me, even when others didn't.
I was done fighting with people to love me or even like me, I needed to love myself more than I needed love from others.

Finding the bottom of life is a painful season but finding the bottom of yourself can be relentless.

I have drank from the cup of bitterness. When it is all that is offered you can acquire a taste.
You find yourself even grateful for the drink of its affliction.

However,  I have something between me and nothing.
I have hoarded moments of joy, peace, love and comfort.
Like when I was a little girl and would hoard fruit in my drawers, or hide money for when I would have none.
You can not give from an empty account. I have learned to save sweetness when I am in the land of bitterness.
It is a beautiful investment. The more you give the more you get in return.

We all have a story. A chapter of heartache, heartbreak and angst.
Sometimes the chapter feels like an entire novel with a sequel.
Don't deplete yourself. Keep a little something between you and nothing.

Collision: 
I have ran a couple times. Mostly, because I have no bike, no gym and no motivation do anything different.
So I run. Today I tattled on myself to my Physical Therapist, Chris.
Telling him I was sorry, "I know you said running is the worst thing I can do for Plantar Fasciitis...but my mental state was suffering....."
He actually interrupted me and said "Well, actually it isn't the WORST thing you can do, wearing heals is worse..."
Oh NO, confession number 2! Katie, a coworker of mine talked me into these really cute Sorel wedges I wore on Saturday.
I think I am the worst patient ever.

Physical Therapy is working. I can not believe how much better my foot feels in just a week. I couldn't even walk on it 2 weeks ago. It still hurts in the mornings and running more than a couple times a week isn't an option.
But it really is working.
I had an MRI last Thursday for my knee. I should get the results tomorrow.
I am pretty confident it isn't good. I am not sure what is worse, the painful anxiety of knowing I am probably going to have to have surgery or the tumultuous pain of reoccurring knee issues.  

As beat up as I sound there is that little fire, that passion that I have not depleted. That little something between me and nothing.
I got such a kick out of listening to my client Steve Forney describe a motorcycle ride he had last weekend down to Ohio. He has to have a little surgery coming up here but rather than get discouraged he goes for a ride with his buddies.
He takes the lead through the winding roads of southern Ohio. Fearless and full of adrenaline he road on, doing what he loved.

Ride On, do what you Love.
Anita~

 Special Thanks to Carolyn Powell for "Celebrating" me at work. This was the sweetest thing.

Living on a prayer.

My brother came in from Florida last week to help me with Alecs Open House. We decided weeks ago we were going to throw Alec a graduation party quarantine or not. I had ordered the tent month ago and just kept living on a prayer. 

Big Brother, Bobby and I, Photo credit Rachel Dahlin

We had a few bumps in the road but the show was going to go on and it DID! 

We had a fabulous day. Beautiful weather, smooth transitioning from the last minute commencement parade to the open house and great company. 

I could not believe the turn out, it came as a total surprise. 

Things were difficult for many seniors but I kept a positive attitude, reminding myself everyone was going through this and to make the best of it. I believe when you learn to let go of what you can not control and turn your energy into ways to make the situation better your outcome is much more pleasant. 

I have had a full week of physical therapy for my plantar fasciitis. I have discovered very early on that the only treatment to get you through was painful.  I had to grit my teeth and suck it up because it hurt so stinking bad. 

My pediatrist wanted me to go to a physical therapist that was trained in Graston Technique. 

This treatment helps to speed up your recovery and hopefully help you have less treatment time. I was able to go back to Clint Verrans Sports Medicine. 

Rachel had worned me that it was painful. 

WHOA! You had better take some Mortin and have a high tolerance of pain. By the time Chris at Clint Verrans was finished with his torture tools on me,  I had sweat on my forehead from trying not to yelp. His little kit looked like Chinese torture tools. By that night, my calves were black and blue! 

My next day visit I was scared to death he was going to do it again. When he saw my calves he mentioned how "...this is one of the reasons he was not a fan of it..." He then did more manipulation with his hands and did shockwave therapy. 

Living on a Prayer. 

It seems like I must have exhausted God with all my prayers the last year. 

I just get running again in January and I blow my knee out. Then I get my miles back up and after 12 weeks of PT and Covid 19 shows up making me quit PT but I am able to keep running. 

Then after a long run I find myself hobbling in misery. Plantar fasciitis.  No more running, but I take up biking and actually really enjoy it. 

I want to run sooo bad. 

After PT, cleaning my maw maws house and running a couple errands I was so excited to get on my bike and ride. 

3 miles down E. Holly rd my front bike locked up and I found myself going nowhere fast. 

My chain fell off, that I could fix but I couldn't get my brakes to loosen up. Dad had to come pick me up. 

"Dad, maybe God is trying to tell me I can run...." I laugh in the front seat of his red Ford Ranger. 

Dad chuckles, "No Anita, I don't think God is telling you that!" 

I was so frustrated, I wanted to move, run, bike, something more than nothing. 

I put my running shoes on and took off before someone told me "NO". 

Only 3 miles, enough to pray, pant and plead. 

These days I feel like I am living from one prayer to another. Trying to stay positive. I am so grateful God is patient with me. I know I am a bonehead. So stinking stupid and stubborn. 

Laughing, that's what I do at myself. Laugh or I will cry. 

I really am my own worst enemy. With every heartbeat I refuse to go down easy. That is just who I am, right or wrong I am not giving up or going down without a fight. 

Jeremiah 29:12 " Then you will call upon me, and come and pray to me, and I will hear you." 

"I am still bald...." 

I have 3 people going through Cancer treatments. Actually 2, A BIG SHOUT out to Cindy, she finished her last radiation last week. 

Alice has 3 treatments left and Ashleigh finished her chemo 2 weeks ago. Both have surgery and possible radiation. 

I felt Alices pain all over. 

Bald, without eyebrows, eyelashes. So insecure, stripped of life and unrecognizable. I got choked up listening to her vulnerability. Her voice quivering as she shared her heart. 

No one knows the pain chemo leaves you with. What is strips you down to. Chemo takes and takes and takes from you, Its more than hair. 

What it is like to see yourself as a woman hairless, foreign, weak, vulnerable...

Please keep these ladies in prayer. Chemo is accumulative, it beats you up the farther along you are.

Anita~ 

Blank Space.

And he holds my body
In his arms
He didn't mean
To do no harm
And he holds
Me tight

Oh, he did it all
To spare me from
The awful things in life that come
And he cries
And cries
I know...
He knows...
That he's
Killing me
For mercy

lyrics to Murder, Aurora

Death suck. It comes on waves.
Every year I buy Ariel a birthday gift.
I have the most beautiful purple lilac bush, a couple of them now and a cherry tree. We used to pick cherries every year at Spicers. I can still see her crawling in the middle of the tree to pick the best cherries, one for the bucket and one for the belly!

The first time I heard this song it struck my deep, like a dagger. It sounds grim, even morbid.
He's " killing me for mercy".

I cling to this verse trying to understand why Ariel was taken so soon.
"The righteous man perishes, and no man takes it to heart; And devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from evil," Isaiah 57:1 
So when I listened to these lyrics I was overwhelmed with guttural emotions. The ones that hurt to breathe. The blinding emotions of grief, when everything just goes dark....
I believe God took her early to keep her from evil.
For Mercy.

I try very hard to not show my pain or grief. I have learned to manage it, letting God restore my broken heart.
I share laughter, love, surface emotion, what people can handle.
So I write, I decompress, and I try to make everyone comfortable.

I am constantly distracted. This helps to keep me from falling into darkness.
Did you know that the average attention span dropped from 12 seconds in 2000 to 8.25 seconds on 2015?
An American receives 54,000 words and 443 minutes of video every day!
We have to be constantly stimulated. No blank space.
Games, texting, video, podcasts, phone calls, tv.....

I watched Andy one day, He had his ear buds all day, running, working, in his car, at home, even watching Tv, he would unconsciously pause the TV and watch a YouTube video.
"Andy, you have to be constantly stimulated, no blank space...."
I caught him off guard, as he thought about it, "Yeah, it shuts out the voices..."

Sometimes you have to listen to the voices. You have to battle the voices, cry, get angry, do some self inventory....
Mark 4:24 "Pay close attention to what you hear. The closer you listen, the more understanding you will be given--and you will receive even more."

I run to listen. To embrace that blank space.
I haven't been able to run so I have been biking. Once I got over the fact that I am not good at it , I started to embrace it. Its not about sweating, or burning calories or really even being fit, its about blank space. The time alone, in my own little world. Listening to myself, searching for a voice bigger than my own. Feeling,  joy, grief, gratitude, love, anger, discouragement, pain, confusion, contentment, peace...
Yesterday, I biked 26 miles. It was wonderful.

Today, I was diagnosed with Planter Fasciitis.  It was also the first time I have ran in 9 days. I was prepared to walk it in. I wanted to try to run so I would be able to share how my foot felt with the Dr.
Tomorrow, Back to Clint Verran!

Rundown:

Settlers Park, Hartland
Basically a 6 mile loops with intertwining trails. A bit confusing but fun. They packed 6 miles into a 1 mile square. It is really designed for bikers but very runnable.

"Listen to you own voice, your own soul. Too many people listen to the noises of the world and not themselves."  Leon Brown 

Anita~

Unglued

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; From the depths of the earth you will again bring me up" Psalm 71:20

That smiles represents Hope, Faith, and Love. God restores us piece by piece. I don't want people to see me "Unglued" I will share it but not let it define me. 

Am I the only one struggling with myself? Frustration reached its peak yesterday.
Pain has a volume that has not been silent for months.
At 47,  I question if this is going to be my new normal.

I push the limits of  this ordinary life. Not because I am a rebell or a bada$$.
Because I want more. I want more than average.

UNGLUED.
I was so excited to run this past Saturday. I eyeballed the weather everyday. Such perfect weather for a long run.
My knee was a little wobbly but I felt great. I just had to do loops on the trails at Holly Rec.
By the time I got there, most of the parking lot was already full with runners embracing the cool morning.
I had to do a 6 mile loop then 2- 5 mile loops to get 16 miles.

Everything was great until it wasn't. I hobbled the last few miles in. Andy surprised me and ran a few miles with me. He could tell my pace had slowed and I was running crooked trying to baby my right heel.
Words became fewer as concern chattered in my head.

By the time I finished I was no longer running, barely walking but still smiling.

Yesterday, I new better than to run, so I biked. 25 miles, the farthest I think I have ever biked and dare I say it was wonderful?!

By the evening, my knee was wonky, my heel was burning and my spirits were broken.
"NOW what God, first cancer, then my knee, now my heel?" I cried silently. Frustrated, depressed, confused, angry, I was a petri dish of despair.

Then I thought what most of us can't help but think...
"What did I do God? Why are you mad at me?"

Even though I know that God isn't up there waiting to slap me on the hands or put me in "time out" I feel so picked on.

I'm falling apart at the seams. My body is failing me. I can't will it back together. I can't take another supplement, do more PT, pray harder than I have.
I take Motrin EVERYDAY.
No one tells you that even when you get through cancer you are not done.

I feel like I am literally coming UNGLUED.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; From the depths of the earth you will again bring me up" Psalm 71:20

I read this verse this morning in my devotion. My heart wept and my body had chills as God was speaking directly to my broken heart.
"You have to believe that God will restore you Anita."
I don't like to sit around and wallow in my misery. I try so hard to live life to the fullest. But I am coming unglued and my body is still wrecked from cancer.
 "TNBC is one of the worst breast cancers you can get, wasn't that enough God?"
I rode my bike without any music, I needed to hear my thoughts. I didn't need any distractions.

This is how many of us feel. Especially as we feel the affects of age.
Keep the Faith. When I read Gods words I new it was His perfect timing to give me comfort. It didn't miraculously remove my burning heal pain or make my knee strong but it glued my heart a little more.

ACTION: 
As I turned my head deep into my pillows last night trying to swallow back the tears of frustration Andy gently but boldly said "ACTION".
"Nita, you have to take action..."
So I did. I have an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Abraham to look at my heel.

No running today or yesterday.

Patience.
Prayers
Pause.

Not necessarily in that order but these simple words help me from being unglued.
Keep the Faith that God will restore.

"Praise works best at the start, before the miracle, before the breakthrough, before the restoration."

Anita~