The Crim Recap 2018: The Thunder Rolled

You can train, you can plan and prepare but when it comes to Race Day, Mother Nature can trump all you have worked and planned for.

We knew that thunderstorms were in the forecast. The weather really didn't rattle me, quite honestly, I love the unexpected, the adventure.

The  weather at the starting line was cooler, in the high 60's but the dampness in the air was soupy.

Lacey at the last minute shared that she was going to run with me, this took me by surprise. I was NOT planning on racing The Crim, I had well over 50 miles in for the week. My legs were tired and I really do not train for The Crim, rather I use this 10 mile race as part of my other training programs.

Together we danced our way into our corral about 7:50.
"Hey, is this the dance party" I laughed making our way through a very sober crowd. I few people laughed and let us squeeze in.

Lacey joined me with the plan to have FUN. Run well, but have FUN.
Within just a few short minutes, we felt the rain slowly rolling off our bare shoulders.
That was just the beginning.
They got the National Anthem done.
The Elites crossed the starting line.
BOOM..Thunder..And the announcement came. "We have been reported that lightning has been spotted about 10 miles away..... we will postpone the race 30 minutes..."

Somehow Matt and Paula found us and we all ran back to their car for shelter. By the time we got there we were all drenched.

The Thunder Rolled, the lightning cracked making the delay even longer.

After an hour and a half we were back in our corral, just as excited ready to run.

Can you find me?!Judy a friend of mind actually saw this live on tv! 

It was a very unofficial start. Everything was a bit off.
I thought they did a great job at trying to recover from the chaos.
We got a "GO" then a "WHOA, NOO don't go" then a "Go" and we were OFF!

I had 2 plans.

1. Have Fun
2. Run a sub 9min/mi. 

Combined I thought it was doable. 

I didn't want to suffer and not be able to do my long run tomorrow, all the while I wasn't sure what my body would be capable of after another high mileage week. 

Smiling and chatting we hit the first mile on target. 

At every mile marker, Lacey would yell out our mile and get the crowd going. 

I was so impressed with all the volunteers cheering us on in the rain. We made a point to tell them all "Thank You". 

The course was more condensed with runners and walkers than I ever remember. We never really had a bare spot on the course. 

You had to be extra cautious of your surroundings due to the rain and congestion of runners and walkers. 

We had to dodge rain puddles and often times runners cutting you off because they too were dodging puddles. Laughing with some volunteers I wasn't paying attention and I landing my foot in a pothole. I was thanking God multiple times for letting my ankle glide out of that hole with no damage. 

Lacey and I kept a pretty steady pace. We chatted here and there, pushing and pulling each other up and down the hills. 

I kept looking at our splits and laughing to myself at how well I was doing. I would go back and forth on feeling like a Rockstar then feeling like a sloth. 

With the storm and the weather condition I was very impressed with how many school bands were still out there playing. This really was encouraging and motivating. 

The Hills this year were hard as they always are but we really did great powering up them together, Running the hills felt pretty good until suddenly it didn't. We would power up one, two, three then the fourth hill I was starting to loose my testimony. 

It seemed like it took me a half a mile to recover. We both were waiting for a downhill to catch our breath and recover. 

I actually laughed in my head at how I sounded. My breathing sounded like I was in the middle of a panic attack after smoking a pack of cigarettes. As I was grunting animalistic noises I saw a sign on the course " PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BREATHING...." 

This really made my breathing worse because I wanted to laugh but still couldn't breath. 

They only thing I was paying attention to was the fact that I WAS still BREATHING!

At mile 8, it really is mostly downhill and flat. We gave out a couple high fives at little kids, cheered a few runners on and maintained our 8:20 min/mi. 

I can't say I felt "Great" but I can say I didn't feel terrible. 

I knew I could maintain the pace but I really didn't want to go much faster. I didn't want to cross the Finish Line throwing up. 

A volunteer was passing out American Flags, both Lacey and I grabbed one to finish the last 2 mile with. 

The sky was dry as we hit the bricks. The bricks that last half a mile were NOT. I was nervous landing my feet, afraid I might stumble or slip. 

The Finish was almost foreign to me. The course might have been thick with runners and walkers, however, it was missing the Finish Line Arch and spectators. It as so eerie not seeing many people on the side lines but that didn't stop Lacey and I from picking up our pace and cruising to the finish Cheering Each Other ON! 

"WTG Anita And LACEY!" Lacey giggled and shouted at the Finish. 

I felt good enough to laugh and thrilled I didn't have my head in a garbage can puking. 

I Met both my goals! 

Distance: 10miles

Time: 1:23:18

Pace: 8:20

I had FUN! One of my favorite things is seeing people I KNOW! 

Lacey, Paula, Matt, Erin, Heather, Holly, Brad, Doug, and Joan! Just to share a few! 

This years shirts and medals were AWESOME! I loved the tangerine color they chose. The shirt material is really nice and fits well. The Crim really did a great job on the art work this year. Love Love!

Another great and adventurous Crim in the books. I am honored to be part of such a powerful event. The Crim does a wonderful job and is a active part of Flint. 

If ever there is something worth training for and being part of, The Crim is that Race! 

Anita~

Get out of Your Head.

As I look back over the last week, I want to first off apologize to anyone that I may have offended. I was RAGING.
I was a hot tamale when it comes to emotions.

I let things get to me and rent space in my head that had no business camping out there.
I caught myself talking about things that I needed to LET GO.
I took things personally that were NOT mine to adhere to.
A chip on my shoulder? If only it was a chip, it was a shark bite that took a chunk of my sanity with it.

Raging hormones, unmet expectations, grief, long days mixed with multiple other things made the perfect cocktail for a Big Brat.

I know I said a few snide remarks, I shared some negative thoughts, I responded when I should have just brushed things off and if you are reading this and you were caught in my web, I apologize.

I had over 75 miles in last week, you would think that with all that running I would have sifted through my tangled thoughts.
One of my biggest character defects is letting words ruminate in my head.

I am gratefully smiling again after a couple weeks of depression.
I received the most beautiful card in the mail last week. I read it over and over. When I read it I instantly felt my Love Tank fill.
Depression and sadness are very awkward grounds for people. People typically will avoid you or even cower away from you. But this person took the courage and the genuine concern for me and reached out sharing sentiments that were sympathetic filled with love.
Isn't that what most of us want at the end of the day?
Someone to Love Us. To feel Loved.

Running is my Therapy.
I am not sure where I would be if I became immobile.
If you are struggling, if  your in a  dark place, if depression is a companion, an acquaintance or a shadow that lurks too close you have to MOVE.

The last couple days I have had some solo miles to THINK. Sometimes I put so much in my day that I don't have to listen to myself.
Being an extrovert I will gather people all around me afraid to be left alone, with myself.

I was in a trance, pondering things, so many things. I took my inventory, humbly reminding myself how I am a work in progress and hoping that people would give me grace. More grace than I was willing to give myself.

After my pea brain couldn't absorb anymore I decided I would GET out of MY HEAD and move on. I turned a pod cast on and within a few minutes I was laughing out loud in the canopy of the woods.

YES Laughter, so good for the soul.
I ran 18 miles, called my son and he wanted to go kayaking.
Filthy, stinky and tired I said "I'm on my way!"
I had 21 miles in my head...I had this run planned all week...but AGAIN, I got OUT OF MY HEAD.
Saturday night I ran 11.5  miles
Sunday I ran 8 miles making todays run a TIRED one.

I finished up what was SUPPOSED to be a 21 mile run and without regrets headed home. 

Sometimes we just have to get over ourselves and out of our head. 

The only thing that is the End of the world is the END of the WORLD. 

I didn't bury my gauges overthinking like I did a few weeks ago but I was reflective, managing my thoughts and actions in a proactive way. 

A big Thank You to Claudia for reminding me today the importance of "Getting out of our head"

Anita

Falling Gracefully or Not

Some runners prance through the trails like a gazelle. Lightly tapping their feet and floating on air like a ballerina.
Others, flip, dip and trip like Me. I look like a bull in a china shop.

The Superman- this is what we like to call the runner who FLIES through the air without any super powers to catch themselves. They land similar to a jet plane without landing gear, bouncing off the trail until they come to a complete stop.

The Jackie Chan- this is the dive and roll fall that usually is so stealth like than no one ever knows that you fall. You tuck and roll and BOUNCE back to the surface with cat like reflexes.

The Four POINT Fall- This fall is when you stumble so hard you LUNGE forward landing on all fours like a dog. You are then left in a humiliating position trying to convince everyone "No! I'm Good!"

The Swoop- The swoop is very common and can be often times disguised with little humiliation. Often times this is a result of the ground reaching up and grabbing your ankle. Never your fault. As your feet are secretly being assaulted your body thrusts forward but your legs are not moving. The upper part of your torso bends in half like a matrix move, swooping you body down low but catching yourself and diving back upright. This move is made stealth like, one sudden SWOOP and you are up and running.


I am very good at all those falls, most specically the Jackie Chan and the Four Point Fall.

The Jackie Chan always makes me feel like a Rockstar and I am usually disappointed when no one sees my gracefully agility back to my feet.

The Four Point Fall usually brings an audience. "ANITA! OHHH are you all RIGHT."
Mortified, dirty and disheveled I cheerfully respond "YES! I am FINE!"
I am secretly doing an assessment of my body. The sudden impact makes my stomach feel like it is caught in my thorax. I quickly realize that I am not choking on my innards rather my pride.

Tripping is can often be avoided by not running...Just KIDDING! Good try!
If you run trails YOU are going to trip.
The tops of my toes are DESTROYED from todays run.

The biggest reason I typically trip are:

• Tired 
• Shuffling my feet, not picking them up...result of fatigue
• Not paying attention. Keep you eyes about 3 feet in front of you, if your eye contact is too far out your going to miss what is right in front of you. If you look too close to your line you will come up too fast on tripping hazards. 
• Running too fast...this is rare these days! But when running faster on the trails you have to be very light and quick to maneuver through the trails. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

RUNDOWN: 

Distance: 26.75

Time: 5H 23min

Where: HOLDRIDGE: West loop + lake loop and tech loop for over 5 miles then Grubers Grinder for 15 miles and finished back to the West loop. 

We had a great group out there today. The temperatures were much more mellow at 72 degrees. The rain drizzled on us the majority of our run, this was actually refreshing. 

My spirits were in good standing today. It was nice to have all of us running together. 

I will be running all double digit runs from here on out until I taper for Woodstock. It is important to get as quantity, time on your feet for running ultras. Miles Miles Miles, Time on your feet. 

Todays run proved that. I was concerned I was going to be wiped out when I came out of Grubers Grinder, at over 21 miles. 

However, because we kept such a steady and consistent pace I felt great the last 5 miles. By GREAT I don't mean I didn't have aches and pains. I had my fair share of twinges and annoyances but my energy level was in good standing with me. 

I had a great day today. I smiled a lot. I laughed as much. Some of the struggles I have had I am learning to look at through a different perspective. I think this is helping me more.

Sometimes we have to change our paradigm of thinking. 

BTW; ANITA...Means Grace!

Anita~

The Interesting Challenge

There really isn't  anything tangible in running for me.
I would love to say it makes me a better person but even that might be a bit of a ridiculous statement.
It doesn't save lives or pay my bills.
It does introduce me to some incredible people.
I love the adventures in running outside, hidden from the pollution of daily life.
But the reality is that even though running feels like it brings me life, it takes me to that next level of humility and physically breaks me, my running is OFTEN questioned by many.
It is understandable.
Crazy miles, challenging courses, frigid temps and stifling heat waves, I RUN. Always reciting "It's Good Training". I have brain washed myself into believing that tripping in the darkness of the night on 3 hours of sleep is "GOOD". Blisters, sun burns, sweat so smelly it makes my sons football team smell like Bath and Body works and sore muscles just another day in the office.

This is the INTERESTING CHALLENGE.
Challenging myself to continue to find balance, to find Joy in my running and to move forward in my training keeping myself injury free.

"Training to Run 100 miles is like training to get hit by a truck." Luis Escobar

This is one of the reasons I have only ran 1-100 miler.
It beats you up mentally and physically. I was VERY blessed as a mother and a wife to have such a great support network.
I have NEVER felt fatigue like I did at 3AM after running 85 miles. My legs were like weights, my stomach was nauseous and all I wanted to do was curl up and die.
But you know the time is ticking, you have goals and you can't QUIT. This is another INTERESTING CHALLANGE, Fight your way through the collision or take the easy ride in. I chose to get hit by the truck then decided that ONE was enough for this season of my life.

"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry you will get over it." 

This is true even in training. I can run 10 miles and feel great, then at mile 12 I am a hot mess. It is so mental. You know that quitting isn't an option and you know that the misery will usually take to the back burner and if not "Its Good Training"!
The Interesting Challenge is not QUITTING.
Quantity has its edge over QUALITY.  You can run slower, walk more, even revise your plan but you CAN'T cheat your miles. Quitting becomes a habit, a habit you cannot afford to entertain. If you quit on your training you will find yourself learning how to do the same in daily life. Dig in and do it right.

Woodstock 100K: Less than 4 WEEKS OUT
I ran a night run last week, followed up by a long run just hours later then to be topped off with a 5K that evening.
Over 36 miles in about 20 hours.
Night running is great training if you know you will be running in the night. For ultrarunning, night runs really bring on the adventure.

TIPS for Night RUNNING: 

• Headlamp and a hand held flashlight (More lumens shorter battery life)
  
• Always have extra batteries
• Give you pace -grace on the trails. 
• Dress properly, the evening typically get cold, be prepared having extra clothing. 

The back to back longs runs are the mothership of your training. 

*For ultra training, your longest run should be about 60-70% of the Distance you will race.
Last week I was able to get over 65 miles for the week.
This week the goal is the same. This means 6:30 runs to keep a healthy balance with family and life.

"Unless you Push yourself, you are not living to the fullest,  you cant be afraid to fail, but if you have not failed, you have not pushed yourself." Dean Karnazes

So the Last Interesting Challenge, being humble enough to know that you can fail at anytime and that failure is sometimes part of the process.
I don't prepare to fail but there are always unforeseen circumstances.
Finding the silver lining in all things will help prevent negativity.
Negativity comes with friends, like wolves dressed in sheep's clothing. Be careful what thoughts you entertain, they WILL Define YOU.

Anita~

Void not Avoid

I asked Andy to reread my last post concerned I was TOO transparent. He said, (without reading it ) as long as I didn't share too much of our "dirty Laundry" it would be fine.
I responded "No, its just about me, my mess."
"Its fine then"

I headed to the bath. 9:33pm.
9:45 Andy came into the bathroom, "NITA, what did you post? That is soo dark...."

It was how I felt. I wrote that post in less than an hour. The words flowed from my heavy emotional baggage.

"Andy, if there is one person out there that reads this and says "YES, Yes, I feel that way...…than it is all worth it."

It was my UGLY. It is my Ugly. Only its not like a selfie, I cant retake it an retake it to get the picture I want.
I shared my ugly, vulnerable to my audience.
I don't have it all together like my photos show on Facebook.
I don't cheer and smile in the shadows.

"RYAN" one of the pastors at our church spoke today about the woman at the well.
She had baggage and she was broken.
But after Jesus pulled out her baggage he encouraged her to Go and share.

Through her darkness, her testimony, her transparency she encouraged others.

FEAR. 
"Ryan" said, "When you know someone is struggling why don't you CALL them, Text them, Encourage them, and not judge them....."

I was so nervous after Andy spoke to me about how dark my post was. So nervous I took it down the following day.

BUT. I have a few amazing friends. I had a few friends that called me and text me and left me beautiful messages.
I was so scared and they encouraged me and loved on me. I was afraid of being judged. Everyone has an opinion, and not all of them are good.

A NEW DAY.

I am better than I was but it is still a struggle. Today was a tough day.
My beautiful grandma used to say "Anita, do you want me to get you a pan to hold all those tears?" I smile and cry at the same time thinking of my Grandma, my angel.
I sure miss her LOVE. She always hurt when I hurt. Her hazel eyes would glaze over and her bony fingers would wrap around mine as she would share some Irish joke to make me smile.

Making Plans. 
Isolation is not good for me. I know this.
I have been making plans to keep my head above water. Surrounding myself around people who encourage me and love me when I am happy, and accept me when I am not.

RACING Plans.

• The Great Pizza Challenge: Thursday night, August 9th
• The Crim: August 25th
• Woodstock 100K: September 7th
• Detroit Freepress Marathon: October 21st
• MCM: October 18th
• Clarkston Backroads: November 11th

Collision: 

While I might feel Void of outrageous Anita behavior I am not Void of feeling. 

"Debbie" a client of mine was in my chair this past week and reminded me how it hurts to "FEEL". 

I feel so sensitive. Like a cool breeze on a hot steamy afternoon. You feel it.  Just as you feel that sweat sting your eyes. 

I have made plans to help me come out of this. I am working on things to help encourage me. I know I can't just wait for "This" to pass. 

I have to step out. Take a chance. And hope people can accept that this girl doesn't have it all together. 

The smile cries, disappoints, and struggles. 

Anita~

Escaping Yourself

There was a day I truly believed that I could take on a army of Gladiators. 

I road my bike 10 miles a day, I went to the gym at 5am, I kick boxed throwing a roundhouse that would make heads turn. 

I could take a punch, I overcame bloody noses and only tightened my fists ready to rage out. 

Half Mexican and half Irish I grew up in the middle of drinking, drugging, fighting and F-ing. Yes, a little raw, a little honest but it was a sh!#  storm. 

I learned to be strong, my brother taught me how to fight young. 

My family taught me that weakness was death. You puff your chest, you suck it up and deal with it. You look the Devil in the eye and you don't blink.  

Rage..Oh could I fight. 110 pounds at 5'2 and the blood that ran through my veins was potent. It was my poison.  

I was my biggest Enemy and my biggest asset. 

But let me SAY THIS....

This world will make the strongest weak. Pain will knock the toughest on their knees. 

I have cried for 2 days straight. 

Most likely just like many of you. 

I can't ESCAPE myself. 

My Yesterdays. My Mistakes. My Blood. My Birth. 

My voice haunts me. Words destroy me. Confusion overcomes me. I feel buried, waves of anguish crash on top of me, I cry out, I beg for but a breath, a little light to help me see. I need direction. 

"....I think you are depressed..." Rex replies to my tear stained garble at church last night. 

I didn't want to talk. 8:55pm. I almost snuck out of the meeting with out speaking and "Rex" just had to ask why I was a "6" and not my normal high number, "9". 

I couldn't speak. I froze. My heart pounding, I tried to swallow and get out, I wanted to run, I am good at that but I am terrible at sharing my pain. 

I am supposed to be the leader. Strong. Wise. Audible. Confident. 

But I wasn't. I was broken, Hurt, So Hurt. 

Depression. When you can't even stand yourself. You can't Escape yourself. 

LOVE..Love hurts. 

Tears burn. 

You can't smile, laughter is foreign. Food is tasteless. Darkness becomes your lover. 

Anger, sadness, confusion wrestles you down. You are pinned in a Hell you can't escape, and something in you wants to stay there. 

You regurgitate ugly memories, mistakes long forgotten, you shuffle through your failures and forget your victories, successes and greatest accomplishments. 

Depression, maybe. 

Sober. I am left to Feel it ALL. I want to torpedo bomb the world my middle finger. I know, real Christlike..Another failure. 

What I don't want to do it RUN. 

What I need to do it RUN. 

I have prayed, I have cried out but I keep hearing "RUN"....

I know I need to release these voices screaming at me.

That's another problem with depression, you want to curl up in your misery. 

You know the things that might help but you don't want to do them. 

You want to just lay there and take the beating. You want to drown in your own tears.

RUN.. ANITA...RUN...

I sat on Laceys bed. Flat, emotionless. Lacey never sees me this way. "Can you just get dressed..." I asked Lacey. I didn't want to small talk. 

"I don't really feel like RUNNING Lacey..."

"I'm walking this to the top of the hill, I don't feel like running it." 

I didn't feel like anything and at the same time I felt everything. 

As we started running, we came to another hill. "Lacey, turn around lets run it again."

I wanted to suffer, I wanted to purge whatever HELL was inside me I wanted to physically hurt more. Deflect. Distract. 

And next thing I knew, "Well, if we are gong to run hills, this is what we are going to do...." Lacey made of a plan of suffering. 

YES Please. 

It was awful and delightful, a new misery. 

The heat wrapped around us as we panted up up up the hills. I felt small cries slip out, it hurt, MORE, I needed MORE. 

I raised myself up on my toes and pumped my arms. "UP"....I screamed as loud as I could at myself, secretly welcoming the pain and making myself fight harder. 

I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I felt the fight in me. "You Get up that HILL, you are not quitting ANITA, RUN...." 

6 miles. We ran hard. Lacey pushed me. "Anita, this is what we both needed..."

Wounded I wanted to withdrawal. 

This life will beat you down with a smile. It will knock your smile off your face with delight. 

Get back up, get back out there.

Fight, Recover. 

CRY, Kick and Scream, but don't stay there. 

Hurting hurts. 

Feeling hurts too. 

Feel it. 

Don't isolate to long, the voices uninterrupted will destroy you. 

You need a voice bigger than your own. 

When this world puts you on your knees, stay there, Pray. 

BUT then, You have to get UP and WORK, fight. 

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit." 

Psalm 34:18

Missing this "Anita"...But she's coming back. Broken hearts heal. Tears dry. 

Anita~