Running like a Gladiator

Gladiator:

 "What we do in life echoes in eternity" Maximus 

I got a couple gifts that I was not expecting for Christmas. One of them was a 9mm Smith and Wesson and the other gift was a membership to Genesys Athletic Club.

Friday Andy and I went to the shooting range.
Today I checked out my new gym.

Both gifts got 5 stars!

I have been itching to try the gym since Christmas morning.

The athletic club is 10 times the size of what I am used when it comes to gyms.
I was intimidated and nervous walking into the gym. 
My favorite gym of course being outside but running in 6 inches of snow and 21 degree weather is not only miserable it also is a gateway for injury. The last thing I want to do is slip and fall and get injured before Boston.

Or just plain get injured!

I found 2 rows of treadmills. Not wanting to look like a first timer I went to the first row.
Getting on the treadmill today was hard. getting my feet moving was a little easier. But getting out of the slumber I was in felt almost impossible. So I do what I know how to do. RUN.

"Charlie" Ariels Boyfriend made me this for Christmas. He is very thoughtful. These were words that Ariel and I shared.

Maximus: "Strength and honor"

The minutes dragged on. I had barely made it to mile 2 when my foot got tripped and I almost biffed it.  A high pitched squeak exited my mouth. I was thankful my face was already flushed from running that no one could see how embarrassed I was. I tried to gracefully recover only to find out that my treadmill shut down after 20 minutes. 2.40 miles
As soon as it shut off I found a different treadmill. One that went longer than 20 minute.
One that had a TV.
With Gladiator playing.
Begging my mind to move I found myself drifting into Gladiator.
It happened slowly. I was unaware of the transformation in both my body and my mind.
All I knew was I was at mile 5 and my legs were light as a feather. I was in the coliseum with Russell Crowe defending myself. Fighting for myself. This is how I felt.
I felt my body coming out of the pit. I needed to fight back my thoughts. I needed to fight for Anita.

I ran 8 miles today.
I ran 8 miles for ME. 7 miles on the Dreadmill with the Gladiator and 1 mile on the track.
I ran at a good pace, 8:20 was my average. I was happy for that. I needed this run.

The Gladiator reminded me of unfortunate loss.
But it also reminded me to get back up and FIGHT. That there are people fighting with you. There are gonna be people fighting against you BUT there are also people who Believe in you, You are worth believing in. So fight.

Proximo: "Some of you are thinking that you won't fight. Others, that you can't fight. They all say that, until they're out there.." 

Ariel moment. I could use some extra prayers. I am really struggling. Sadness keeps coming in waves. It crashes down on me and I feel its weight crushing me. I do not see a exit. How do I get through this.
I struggled so bad when my brother left. I wanted to leave with him.
I can not even see how I am going to get through the pain of loosing my Ariel. My life is so very very different. I keep running. I keep praying. I keep trying but feel like I am going no where fast. I do not want a life with out Ariel. It's not fare. I just don't understand why God has taken so many people out of my life. Could really use some prayers. It hurts so bad. It takes my breath away, It overwhelms me.

Anita

Running Presents and Pasts

I am sitting in silence with the Christmas tree glowing in front of me. It is so romantic. The house is quiet except the ticking of the kitchen clock. Everyone is sleeping.
The nights have been late but my company has been wonderful.

Yesterday I didn't get my run in because we got a little snow storm. I has ran Christmas Eve and Christmas day so I was fine with skipping a day. Now today we have 5 inches of snow and I have no idea how I am going to get a run in with that obstacle. It may be a gym run.

I love love getting gifts centered around running.
This years RUNNING gifts were:

• RUNNING Calender: my niece "Sarah" (Really thoughtful and its a training calender with quotes!)
• Nike RUNNING socks: husband
• Nike RUNNING jacket: husband
• Lululemon running coat: "Debbie" a client of mine..the coolest coat ever! Lululemon is my favorite but one item from there puts me in the poor house!\She spoiled me~
• Nike Elements thermal RUNNING pants: Husband..actually I got these for my birthday but my birthday is so close to Christmas. Awesome ...5 stars from me!
• A membership to Genysis HEALTH Club!!! This was a total shocker! I didn't ask for this. I am so excited they have a 1/4 mile track here and all kind of fun!

So those are the running gifts I got. I get so excited to play with them.
I ran in my jacket and my running pants and they were both wonderful. The jacket I wore with only one layer underneath it and I was pretty toasty on my 5 mile run.

I think I will start training for Boston in the next couple weeks.

My new running britches , socks and jacket!

THE New YEAR is COMING!

• What are your Goals for 2013?
• What races do you want to run for 2013?
• What kind of training do you want to do for 2013? Speedwork, Distance, Quantity????
• Do you want to just get out there and START running????

START the New year out with a RUN!

Last year I ran this race for the first time with my niece "Sarah". Sarah pushed herself tot he limits. She ran a 10k! She had never ran that far. I was so proud of her. Watching "Sarah" challenge herself was very fulfilling to me. I bubble over with enthusiasm watching people accomplish things they never thought they could. BUT...there is another part of the equation that was also very special.
"ARIEL" came out in the cold the New Years day to cheer us on. I can still see her like yesterday all bundled up with the brightest smile on her face saying "You guys are crazy!"
I WILL be missing this race on NEW YEARS DAY.  My sister in law is renewing her vows at the same time. I am so sad about this. Ariel came to 2 of my races and this was one of them.
So this year I will have a virtual run. I will run and pretend. I am so sad I am missing this race. But there is nothing I can do,
 But this year she will be running with me. Inside me. Close to my heart. It is going to be a rough day not being at the YMCA with her.

Anita

Christmas Eve

"Moving Forward" were the words I recited on my morning run.
I was running at mile 1 and thought "How am I going to get 6 more miles in?" I was feeling exhausted. I was feeling like I was not even moving.
I thought of Grief on the same plain.
How do you move forward?
How do you be what everyone wants you to be...expects you to be?

You just Move Forward.
Sometimes the easiest thing to do is to just be what they want you to be. It keeps things easy. It keeps things acceptable.

No one says you have to get from one side to the other in hyper speed. You just cant get stuck. And going backwards is NOT an option.
There were times on my run I wanted to stop as the fatigue plagued my body and my mind. But quitting was never an option.
The silent tears froze on my cheeks in the 29 degree weather. I let them drop as I ran in my own world. No one knew, no one could see. I could cry it out over the next hour and then be geared up to paste a smile and a laugh on my face the rest of the day.


My brother is in from Florida. I am so thankful for our time together. I feel like he is a safe place. He puts me in a different world. He takes me out of the normal. I am enjoying my sister in law "Leeanne" so much too. We have spent a lot of time together and it has been very  nice.


Well I am headed to bed. This Christmas time remember to Move FORWARD. Just keep going whether you are running or you are dealing with life, people or circumstances-Just move forward at the speed that you are comfortable in~

Anita

Plum Tuckered!

No plum pudding but I am Plum Tuckered!

My brother and sister came in from Florida last night. I am loving it.
It was a great day with them today.
From waking up enjoying a cup of coffee to overeating and laughing at dinner at the Woodshop.
Family. I have very little of my family left here in Michigan. I have not seen any of my blood relatives in Michigan in a couple years since my grandma passed.

It is so hard not having your family next to you. My brother and sister are all I really have left. Very sad for a 39 year old.
But God has blessed me with Andys family and they are very good to me. I am thankful.

THE RUN, Not sure how I did it but I got a 3 miler squeezed in. Somewhere in the midst of the hustle and bustle I got it in but my sister in law "Leeanne" helped me get my errands done and keep my focus on the task at hand.
Because it was only 3 miles I knew I needed to kick it up a notch.
With 3 layers and a vest I really warmed up by mile 1. My first mile was tough. I decided this run was going to hurt. I decided I was going to make my legs work harder than my head.
After finishing my run I was apprehensive to see my pace. My body was Plum Tuckered and I felt like I ran hard but feelings can be deceiving in this weather.
I was thrilled to see I had a sub 8 minute mile average. This was good enough for me.

Take 30 minutes for yourself. Get outside. Breath. Relax in your running shoes. During Christmas we give give give,,,Give yourself ta Gift of a few good runs. Your body, mind and company will thank you!

The RUNDOWN
Time: 23
Pace: 7:44
Distance: 3.01
Comments: I tried to get my brother to run with me but it didn't work!

Anita

My Birthday RUN!

I am hanging on to my thirties by a thread...39 years old.
Age is just a number. I believe in the power or words. You have to live young, believe in dreams throughout all your years, live life to the fullest grabbing everything wonderful you can.

Life reminds me of that game where you get into the big box that blows money all around you. Do you just stand in there letting all those bills float around you in a stupor?  NO!! You get excited and reach your hands out and grab whatever you can till it is over!
That is what is all around you...gifts, blessings, opportunities, beauty, and so much more just circulating around you waiting for you to grab a hold of as much as you can!

I woke up to birthday blessings from Andy. Austin was so sweet.  He came to me with a lit candle sticking out of a buckeye ball singing the lyrics of "Happy Birthday". That boy is so thoughtful.

The weather was nasty. Wet, rainy and windy but I really wanted that birthday run in. Danielle and I decided to meet for coffee and not to run together this morning. I was just excited to see her anyway I could.

8 miles is my Thursday run so around the hood I would go before our coffee clutch.
Mother nature was not as scary as running on the treadmill.
After dropping off the boys I was quickly off and running in the elements.

I found myself running into the wind right off the bat. This is a great strategy when thought of.  It is usually a good idea to get the worse out of the way first.
And it was BAD!
The harder the frigid rain came down the more I geared up. The stronger the wind pushed me the more I pushed BACK.
Today was my birthday and I was NOT going to be DEFEATED!
Then the sleet came at mile 3. This felt like glass hitting my face. I dropped my head so the bill of my hat blocked most of the ice from further abusing me. I felt my hands clench thinking "Is this the best you have got?"

And I prayed. I prayed for "Courtney" who found out at 21 she has skin cancer. I prayed my family, each one individually, I prayed for me. For God to continue to clean out my heart.

As the wind was beating me from the front I prayed for strength and endurance.
And I could hear my thoughts....

GOD Does not give you more that you can handle. Therefore God must think I am more capable than I think I am. Therefore God has created me with a vision, a purpose and that is bigger than anything I cans see. 
I can not see it through my tears, I can not see through my disappointments, and I can not see it though my mistakes BUT HE SEE'S IT!
He created me 39 years ago and said I am "Fearfully and Wonderfully MADE"! 
That I am "More than a Conqueror".
My Strength is NOT my own at all. It is HIS because I would be crumbled in a corner at 39 years old if I chose to go through this life alone.
But HE has a Vision for me. God has plans for me in Laughter, in Tears, in Trials and in Triumphs He knows what I can do with HIM!

This was my pep talk! Even throughout everything I see HIM in it all.
There is so much POWER in Words. Do NOT listen to doubt or discouragements. Don't talk yourself out of something AMAZING.
Jump in the "BOX of Blessings" and grab unto everything you can!

Thank you to all those on Facebook who wished me over 100 birthday blessings! I grabbed each one with thankfulness!

ANITA

Just one more of Something.

My Dearest Ariel,
The tree is finally up...But your not here to see it.
My phone is by my side but your not calling.
My door is open but your not knocking.
The rooms are quiet Your not laughing.

I am waiting and waiting in desperation.
My heart lies silent yearning for your attention.
My eyes are saturated with tears in confusion.
I stare at the walls lost in my thoughts of you just wishing...

For one more phone call.
One more message..
One more lunch, shopping trip, conversation anything..anything at all
Just One more Of SOMETHING...
One more smile, One more picture, One more glance, One more word
Just One more of Something.

Aunt Nita

Boundaries and Fear..Prt 2

Isaiah 41:13 " For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not: I will help thee."

1. When we set our boundaries using fear and anxiety we are operating out of our Wounded Self and trying to control one another. 

    A. When we set boundaries from LOVE with an inteton to be self resposible and take loving care of ourselves we are being a loving adult.

    B. When you find yourself feeling righteous resistant, judgmental, angry or shut down NOTICE your intent for setting Boundaries.

    C. Why would these be dangerous leaders for setting boundaries? Our boundaries are being dictated by our wounded heart and not a loving heart. 

2. Why are we afraid to set boundaries? 

• Fear of hurting the other persons feelings
• Fear of abandonment and separateness
•  Fear of our loved ones anger
• Fear of conflict
• Avoidance

3. Avoidance: saying NO to the Good
    A. Avoidnace is the finability to: Ask for help- Recognize our own needs and Let others in
    B. Why is Avoidance a Boundary problem?  Boundaries are supposed to "breathe" to be like fenceswith a gate that can let both the good in and the bad out! Freedom to enjoy safe relationships and avoid destructive one.
4.  God never gave us the power or the right to CONTROL how others respond to our needs. Some will welcome our boundaries and some will NOT!

Another great meeting tonight! This is the second part of our lesson on boundaries.
Some great questions tonight. I love listening to people. I love to hear people share.

Nita

Distraction.

I am not sure if it is A.D.D. or what but I am easily distracted.
I fit my run in this afternoon after running errands all afternoon and right before our junior high small group.
There was No way I was going to miss out on a run today. It was 51 degrees in Michigan.
Yeah, I got spit on most of my run but it was better than coming home cold and wet from snow. It was better than almost slipping on ice, and it was better than trying to warm up for an hour or two...
The rain was invigorating in those temperatures.
It was so nice out running BUT I was like a little kid in a candy store:
"Oh look the horses are out, Ahhh."
"Oooh. check out those birds flying up there, they are beautiful."
"SERIOUSLY? Someone cut the head and tail off that dear and left him there?"
"Yikes, That is a big ole turtle, why was he out this time of year anyway?"

Those were just my visual distractions!

The mental/emotional distractions were even worse. I could hardly keep my pace steady. I would think about different subjects and feel my fists clench in anger at the hurtfulness of man or I would drop my shoulders as I thought of Ariel and  feel the tears well up in my eyes.

Back and forth my pace went. From slow to fast, then from exhausted to exhilarated, my body just reacted.
I would look at my watch and try to get my head back in the game for a moment here and there.
DISTRACTED.
Distracted by a conversation, distracted by an images, distracted by my faults or the past, the future, the good and the bad.

"Pick you legs UP, NITA." Once again distracted I felt my feet sloppy and tripping over themselves.

• WHAT IS YOUR GOAL?
• WHAT ARE YOU LETTING HIJACK YOUR TASK AT HAND?
• ARE YOU ENTERTAINING STINKING THINKING?
• WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH?
• KEEP FOCUSED, LOOK STRAIGHT, THINK GREAT!

  Psalms 19:14 "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
    be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."

Getting my head back in the game I reminded myself the goal. 6 Miles. Comfortable Pace. As I felt my mind begin to respond to my internal motivation I decided I could add 1 more mile in there. My legs were just making a rhythm and so was my head. The rain against my skin even helped to turn the legs over.

I reviewed my thoughts and filtered out any consuming or nonconstructive thinking and replaced them with prayers and gratitude. 

Keeping my head up I directed my eyes forward. I occasionally found myself wiping the rain from my blurred vision only to find myself seeking and focusing towards the GOAL!

" I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Phil 3:14

What is distracting you?? Who or what do you keep focusing on that is preventing you from being the person you were called to be? Where are you losing focus or where do you keep getting "tripped up?"


Anita

Love: Sometimes a UpHILL Battle.

I ran with Danielle today only we did not meet at Indian Springs. I met at her house and we ran 7 miles there. No wonder Danielle is such an amazing runner. Her route is all HILLS!
Hills are such a strength builder.
Yeah, they hurt. Yeah, they will make the sweat trickle and Yeah, they make the booty scream hatefulness.
But they build strength and stamina.
And if building buns of steel isnt a good enough reason to run hills then how about the fact that your are using basically the same mucles you use to sprint.
So if you do not like speed work then running hills is a good alternative.

If you are a treadmill junkie (especially if you are from Michigan this is where we do a lot of our running in the winter months) put that treadmill on at least a 1% incline. This helps to duplicate running outside a little bit better.

But BE CAUTIOUS...Running hills is also a sure fire way to get injured if not approached wisely!


As Danielle and I got to mile 1 I knew I was in for it. This was her normal route and this route to me would be considered a "Hill Run".   Aside from the ice cold wind tearing my skin off I was trying not to whine. Aside from my tears mixed with left over mascara wanting to freeze down my face I tried not to complain.  I mean afterall I was running with Danielle and  it was a pretty day therefore I was still in a happy place. I had to chuckle at the thought of the post I just wrote yesterday about "LOVING to RUN"!

But loving something is not always peachy keen and Jim Dandy. We love lots of stuff, good, bad and indifferent. And in this 29 degree weather and winds ripping my face off I still Loved Running..It was not the same circumstances but I still loved it. I just loved different elements today. Like running with Danielle, or running in a new environment.

Isn't this where Life and Running Collide. Sometimes we love things when the circumstances are perfect or when the situation goes OUR way. Sometimes we Feel LOVE when people respond or react the way we want them to. But as soon as things no longer go to a "feel good" state we no longer have that Loving Feeling!

^{1 Corinthians 13:4} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I would clearly be lying if I told you I had a masters in LOVE. I fail every day. Somedays are better than others and some days are just downright discouraging.  Somedays seem like a UPHILL battle. A path that is painful and discouraging but never never quit because most of the time we QUIT right  as the path straightens out. Or we throw in the towel before we get to the top never seeing the beauty of LOVE on the other side. So take that turn, make it to the top of the hill but PERSEVERE. 

Anita

2 Points and a lot of LOVE!

I LOVE LOVE RUNNING.
I know shocker, right!
Today I went out on my own. With 3 layers of clothes and still NO snow I was ready get the limbs moving. It was somewhere around mile 3 that I was having a love affair with running.

I felt like a school girl blushing in the cold crisp air.  I had a cheesy grin painted across my face and I felt like I was floating as I ran on "Cloud 9."
"I LOVE RUNNING" I giggled to myself. I could feel the endorphins exploding like a pin ball machine.
The sounds, the smells, the sun beaming against the little bit of bare skin I had just increased my love.
I LOVED being away from everything. I loved not having a phone ringing or chirping. I loved not having to interact with anyone other than God and the dwellings I was running in. I LOVED being part of my elements like a bird is part of the sky. Out here I was a nobody-almost invisible.

I got thinking about some people I have been encouraged by...These girls say I encouraged them and yet I felt the same way by them.
Can we give a hands up to "Molina"?!!
I am so proud of her. She has recently lost almost 40 LBS!!! "Molina: just accomplished her 1st 5k! The "Run Like a Dickens." Such an awesome accomplishment. I Love this GIRL. She always has the brightest smile and is full of excitement and love.
I was recently approached at Ariels fundraiser by a sorority sister who has been reading my Blog. I always wonder who reads this crazy stuff. She was so sweet. She took the time to come up to me and share with me her running. I loved that! I loved that I said something that encouraged someone else.

 "Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing." 1 Thess 5:11

Which brings me to 2 points.

1. GOALS. For those of you who want to run but are shy or afraid I encourage you to go out just ONE step at a time. It is always the first step with anything that is the hardest. But set the Goal. Believe in the GOAL. And most importantly BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.  Encircle yourself around GREATNESS. People that are encouraging and uplifting. People that enhance you and help to turn your light ON!  ONE LITTLE GOAL WHEN ACCOMPLISHED CAN BE ONE GIANT VICTORY!  Try NOT to set too many goals or too large of a goal that you cant finish them or are to scared to try. It is like anything: you just conquer them one at a time and then you will gain momentum.
2.  IN CASE YOUR WONDERING.... "Ariels Stuff" post has been REMOVED.  This post got so much publicity. At first I just took down all the comments. But then on my run I felt God pricking me. I fought back and forth because I did NOT want to remove it.  I hated removing something that was a part of me but I do not want to be a stumbling block and that post got way to much publicity. A couple of the comments were hurtful to those who wrote them and also those who read them.  "Ariels Stuff" was a part of me. It was my heart and my thoughts in my heartache. That Post was very dear to my heart.  But it made some readers very upset. Most of my readers have been so encouraging and loving to me in my grief the past 2 months. Most of my readers see my heart and know my intentions are not to hurt anyone. But there are some readers who want to get mad and look through my posts for ammunition. I do not want to hurt people and am so very sorry if you have been hurt of offended. I am grateful for a GODLY husband who is my BIGGEST FAN and my TOUGHEST CRITIC. Andy holds me accountable for all my writing. I also have a few very close friends that hold me accountable as well. They are honest with me even when I do not always like what they have to say. Good friends are uplifting and encouraging. I have some incredibly friends who have been so supportive and loving. Thank you. Thank you to those who love me for me and the mess I am.

 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Again Please forgive me. The last 8 weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. I have had so much death in my life and yet loosing Ariel was and is like NOTHING I have ever experienced.

Ariel Challenge. I challenge you to accomplish a goal. Something you have put aside, something you have been procrastinating and putting off. Tomorrow make NO excuses. Write down your Goal and at the end of the Day have it crossed off! This is something my Niece Ariel would do. She loved her lists! 
Share is with me. I would love to hear it!

Anita

The Rundown on Boundaries

Monday was a busy day. I needed to run.  I needed to filter my thoughts and have some time alone with God. It was such a good run.
I loved the music of Eminim. He is pretty RAW. But his words speak volumes to me. They speak of recovery. I may not be in the same "Recovery" as him but I am in my own Recovery from many different things. I believe if we get honest there we all should be in some form of Recovery.

Tonight is our addiction meeting at The River. Tonight we really learned how we are all in some form of recovery and often we have new places we discover we have to recover from.
One of the ways to Recover from hurts and hang ups is to set up Healthy and loving Boundaries.
People who are not in recovery will run all over you. Sometimes it is intentional but often is is not.

Here was our lesson.

THE PURPOSE OF BOUNDARIES

Teach me good discernment and knowledge,
For I believe in Your commandments.Before I was afflicted I went astray,
But now I keep Your word. 

Psalms 119:66-67

1. God helps us to establish healthy boundaries through His Strength and Guidance.
2. Proper mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries enable us to focus on Gods love for us. As well as the ways in which He can use us to better serve the Body of Christ.

• How do BOUNDARIES protect us?  Protects us by guarding our feelings and thoughts,prevents us from becoming a victim and helps limit unacceptable behavior. 

3. Boundaries are NOT rules we can force on others.

• They are standards of conduct we set for our OWN benefit. 

4. Boundaries help us limit unacceptable behaviors. 
5. When we repeatedly let our boundaries be violated we become a VOLUNTEER not a VICTIM.

This was our lesson for tonight. I really enjoyed listening to the group. So often we are all just trying to find the perfect balance. You can not balance dysfunction. You can not control what others think of you but you can control how you engage in it by setting up healthy and LOVING boundaries. 


 Where RUNNING and LIFE collide: Boundaries
Gaining knowledge of our surroundings is important to being safe on a run. It is good to know where you are running and know the community you are running in. "We Are NOT in Kansas anymore"

Know your limitations and when you can and can not push them. While it is great to push your body to the next level know when to "Hold them and Know when to FOLD them!"
Poor "Melissa" from last week ended up injured on her EPIC run last week and now she can not run Wednesday. She looked amazing. She never let on she had any pain and now she is injured. I feel awful. 

Believe in YOURSELF. Get Healthy FOR YOU. You can not help anyone if you are not helping yourself first! Read, educate, gain knowledge on running and you will be more confident in your direction. 

This is just PART 1. It was great to hear the groups take on this. Do you make Boundaries work? Do you have a hard time following through with boundaries or do you have a hard time just designing them?


Anita

Afflicted but not Crushed

 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;"

I stepped unto the treadmill directly after biking 5 miles. My body felt good but my mind was racing faster than my legs could go.
As I looked at myself in the mirror I saw myself strong and ready to conquer what ever came my way. But underneath that physical appearance was a picture of a very different gal.
I reviewed my weekend. What a tough weekend. Actually it was the whole week.

It has been 2 decades now that I lost my mother. I was in a hospital at 18 years old having to make the hardest descision I had ever made. To take my mom off life support or not. She took her last breath December 8th, 20 years ago at St Joes Mercy Hospital.
 I review our relationship and it was so awful. I was so awful. The circumstances I grew up in were so awful. I could NEVER had made it out of that with out GOD. He has guided me, carried me, protected me and comforted me.
I lived with guilt for many many years for the relationship I had with my mother. Growing up in a alcoholic home made it so hard to know how to act and react. You never knew what you were coming home to.
But By the Grace of God I have peace with it.
I am NOT the same person I was and I was DETERMINED to make sure I worked hard to not be that person. 
I have learned the best way to get through guilt is to change. To Forgive. To Love. To Give Back. To do something different than what lead you into Poor Behavior and Bad Choices.
INSANITY: Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different result.
I know about a "Mother/Daughter" relationship.
In so many ways I KNOW about guilt.
I miss my mom more than anything.
My life growing up was terrible BUT that is NOT a Get out of JAIL free CARD to hurt myself or others.
I cried a lot this weekend. 

On the treadmill I thought to myself  "Anita, You gotta strengthen your mind and heart. You gotta broaden those shoulders and let things roll off your back."
I am not foreign to the physical sweat or pain. But emotionally it is time I start working that out too. It is time I am confident in who I am.
I need to remind myself my IDENTITY LIES in CHRIST.  He knows My Heart. He Knows my Words. He Is my Judge. I take everything TO HIM. And HE convicts me.
He Knows my Past. He knows My Present.
God Knows my mistakes, and that I am Far Far from perfect and yet HE gives ME Grace and Mercy.


"Don't let others rent space in your head."
"Depart from Evil and do GOOD."
"Hurting People HURT people."

I recited these back to back.
"Turn the cheek, Anita."
"Forgive, 70 times 70."
And remember we all have Demons...But I Choose to give MINE over to GOD to FIGHT.  Because when we try to fight them ourselves we hurt ourselves and others.

Finding Gratitude: This is the BEST Medicine. It is right up there with RUNNING!
I have tried to out RUN my demons. I can't.
I have tried to RUN Down my demons. I can't.
But God CAN!

Finishing that last 5 miles felt amazing. My weekend was below a 0. But I found so much Gratitude today.
Thank You to those who have sent me such beautiful messages this weekend. Many people lifted me up this weekend knowing I was being hurt in so many ways. Thank you. 

Please come out and Join us for Ariels FUNDRAISER:  

"Culvers" Owen Road Monday 10th 5-8pm!! I look forward to SERVING You!!!

Anita

Running in Silence.

My face was frozen and my nose wouldn't stop running. Side by side Danielle and I ran. I had to run out some demons. I felt bad for my rant about Ariels dad. I wished I didn't feel the way I did. I want to see it through the eyes of Jesus. I felt so far from thinking kind or compassionate.
Danielle was running strong. Even though my Garmin had died I could tell her pace was faster than it had been the last few weeks.
It was hard for us to talk because our cheeks were not working due to the frigid air freezing our face.
I didn't mind not chatting. I enjoyed hearing our footsteps side by side, I enjoyed her company and accountability.
I enjoyed our friendship even without words.
Because in our silence her friendship still SPOKE volumes even without words.
Our Friendship is Commitment, Endurance, Accountability, Encouragement and Love.
We meet once a week NO matter the weather. We cheer each other on, we listen to one another and Believe in one another.
I am so thankful for her.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.

Psalms 32:8

My run was the easiest part of my day. Which to some might be crazy. Running 8 miles at sub 9 minute miles in 30 degree weather...easy.
Compared to the tears shed today...OH YEAH.
Compared to the baggage I cared emotionally today...OH YEAH.
Compared to the Guilt of my responses...Oh Yeah.
Compared to the loneliness I could NOT shake...OH YEAH.

Proverbs 16:9-
The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.

 

I would RUN and RUN and RUN forever if I didn't have to deal with myself or some others.
I see the person I want to be and I try to run to that but somewhere along the path I stumble.
I trip over myself, I loose my focus and seem so far from the destination I was aiming for.
I feel like I am not just running rather I am jumping through hoops trying so hard to be something I may never be. I am not willing to settle but the course is so hard right now. There are no markers, I can not find my direction.

I wish I could Run and Run and Run. Even the Pain of running would feel better than the pain of a Broken Heart and a Convicted Heart. Tomorrow is a new day. I will take it to the cross and Try Again Tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a New Day. But for today I Will go and DELETE my nasty post I wrote a couple days ago. I am thankful for Andy holding me accountable.
"Depart From Evil and Do GOOD."

Could you work on being better tomorrow? What would you do Differently? Now put it into action.



Anita

The "Melissa" Moment- Fear

 Believe in yourself. Believe in your abilities. Failure is just a stepping stone not a destination.

As I met "Melissa" and "Lacy" for their 8 mile run I was excited to see "Melissa" push herself.
Every mile I looked down at my watch and confirmed that she was running sub 9 minute miles. And she was chit chatting and even laughing. "Melissa" was a SANDBAGGER! She had more Strength and Stamina than she was letting on. She was about to have the best 8 mile run she had run yet and she wasn't puking or puffing!

Here it is...The "Melissa" Moment. FEAR!!
"Melissa" confessed after her EPIC Run that she was scared....

"For God did not give us the Spirit of FEAR but of POWER, and LOVE and of a SOUND MIND." 

1 Tim 1:7

Do not let FEAR rent space in your head. It will disable you and prevent you from seeing your goals and achieving them.

" I can't do this...it is too hard."
"I am not as good as______ I will never be able to do that."
"What if I fail?, What will people think?"
"It is too much work, I am scared I can't finish it or even do it."
"This hurts so bad, when is it going to end?"

I have recited every one of these...right before I prayed and asked God to help me. I have camped out with FEAR. I have allowed FEAR to dictate my actions and my lack of ACTION!
But when we camp out in Fear we compromise our abilities, we forfeit ourselves and the victories we have waiting for us.
I WANT the Victories. I WANT Success. I want more than AVERAGE.
Therefore I have to perform Victorious and Above AVERAGE. Sometimes it is going to hurt, Sometimes I am going to have to go to places I have never been. Sometimes I am going to have to face my demons. But ALL the TIME I have to Trust In God. I have to Believe HE wants my WANTS for me More than I DO!
I will take Gods POWER, LOVE and a Peace of MIND over living in bondage to FEAR. 

RUNDOWN
DISTANCE: 8:01
PACE: 8:41
TIME: 1;10
Felt great during this run. No Aches or pains!




Zig Ziglar died a few days ago.. That's sad but what an accomplished life!
Ziglar's top ten quotes:
10) “Remember that failure is an event, not a person.”
9) “You will get all you want in life, if you help enough other people get what they want.”
8 ) “People often say motivation doesn’t last. Neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
7) “There has never been a statue erected to honor a critic.”
6) “People don’t buy for logical reasons. They buy for emotional reasons.”
5) “Expect the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what comes.”
4) “If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.”
3) “A goal properly set is halfway reached.”
2) “Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.”
1) “If you can dream it, you can achieve it.”

 Anita

The Weekend Lowdown:

Friday: I got out of work late and was exhausted. I am not a fan of Fridays as I have said before. Fridays are the day that Ariel passed and being at work is still really hard. The morning is the hardest. I just want to get past 9 am, When I got the aweful phone call from "Kim" which was followed by Andy.
I don't get very good service at work and often I will not get my messages till I am out of work and in the car.
As I got in my car around 6 pm I heard my phone dinging with messages. I had a voice mail from  my neighbor. I should have known better to check it. This is the neighbor that is a Hot Head. The neighbor my dog injured her cat  which ended up having to be put down...I had a nasty message from her . "UGH".I thought.  I decided not to call her back until I heard from the teacher to discuss the detail of a incident she was sharing on the phone.
Saturday: Back to work. My morning started out with a very special client of mine. "Paula" has been coming to me for 16 years! She is very very special to me. We have laughed together, we have cried together and we have shared many many stories. "Paula" reminds me a lot of what my mom would be like if she could have gotten it together. "Paula" never has had any children. She treats me alot like her daughter. I have no idea why she is so good to me. Last year "Paula" gave me these beautiful gold hoops with diamonds in them, They belonged to her. "Anita, I want you to have something of mine that you will always have from me." I could hardly stop crying last year.
This year "Paula" came in and told me I had to find my gift..she was wearing it! After many clues and me blushing and shy, "Paula" held out her hand. There was a gold wedding band with the same diamonds going across it. "Anita, I want you to have my mothers band, it will never fit me." I did not know what to say. I could tell she had put a lot of thought into it and I did not want to hurt her. I cried. I cried because her mother just passed away about 8 weeks ago. "Paula" shared more with me about the ring and other details. I told her I would NEVER take it off.  And I haven't.
This set the day in a very emotional and sentimental direction.
My sister in law "Deb" came in as my last client and it was nice to pamper her. It was nice to talk to "Deb" She is very strong in her relationship with Christ and she is able to communicate scripture and truths about Gods love and faithfulness to me. She was able to remind me of things that are not important and are destructive. I need those reminders. She was very gentle and loving and I needed that too.
And again on my way home from work I got a message that I should have gotten at 3 but was now receiving at 4:20. It was "Kim" Ariels mom inviting me to moms house to go through Ariels stuff on Sunday. I was so happy to be invited. But I was also a nervous wreck.
I slept terrible. I woke up Sunday to awful stomach problems and my nerves were a mess.
Well I will let you know how that date went tomorrow. I am falling asleep now and that Sunday was pretty intense.
As the World Turns....

Anita

The Meeting.

Isaiah 41:13 ^"For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

 Yesterday I woke up to crying in my sleep. It was another dream about Ariel. I was laying on the floor sobbing. I had 2 large round bowls in front of me and Ariel was there but she wasn't there. I love having dreams about her. Although I am drowning in tears and awaken in grief, the dreams are pleasant. I see her smile again at me. I see her looking at me with love and laughter. I hear her voice talking to me. I Embrace the Tears and cling to the moment in my dreams as a gift. I believe God gives me these dreams. These little pieces of Ariel. They are worth waking up for. She was always worth it even in life.

 
I was awake at 3am and woke up for good at 5:30.

I could use some prayer. Kim (Ariel's mom) text me and others yesterday. She invited me to go through Ariel's things at 12 at mom and dads. 

She Invited several others. 

I am concerned for the meeting. I went to bed praying for God to Orchestrate it.  I have some reservations. I think about Ariel and even though she has passed now I think what would HONOR HER. 

In some ways I think it is a good thing that she can not see all that takes place. 

Today I am reminded that I have to take control of MYSELF.

Today I Will HONOR Ariel and God the VERY Best I can in a tough environment.

Today I Will BREATH.

Today I Will Remind MYSELF of my Relationship with Ariel and the Memories I have far EXCEED anything ELSE.

Today I Will bite my tongue and stuff hurts down, and turn the other cheek if I have to.

Today I Will try not to react. 

Today I Will try so hard to give this meeting to GOD. I Know that I am the "Apple of his Eye." And that he does love me and does look out for me.

Today I Will try and let LOVE dictate my Actions and NOT Fear. Even though I am scared to death. 

Could use some extra prayers. I am not perfect. I know How I SHOULD be...And I am trying. Grief has potential to really fog your vision.

Anita