Another ROUND

 "So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air."

 1 Cor. 9:26

Have you ever watched a boxing match and one guy is just getting pulverized? And you say to yourself, "Just stay down!" 

But he doesn't. 

I think maybe that is a trait I have grown accustomed to, not staying down. 

Going another round

Tuesday, I was diagnosed with Covid. A slight headache and a huge prodding from the holy spirit to get tested. 

I found myself quarantined to a 10'10'  spare bedroom. This is where I have resided the last 8 days. 

• No fever in 4 days.
• I had the monoclonal antibodies.
• I finished 1 packet of steroids 
• I have read 1 novel.
• I have listened to countless podcasts
• I watched one tv series.
• Watched 3 sermons.
• I painted a half dozen rocks.
• Sunday, I ran 5 miles
• Monday, I ran 10 miles
• Today I walked 3miles. 

And so we get back up and get back in the ring of life. We can't stay down for long. 

We don't cry "Poor Me". 

More like "Why not me?" 

If I wanted to sulk I have plenty of circumstances that I could juggle and let steal my Joy but that isn't a option. 

I have Bear Lake Ultra in 11 days! 

I am grateful the weekend before I was diagnosed I was able to run 40 miles, a 20 miler, a 15 miler and a 5 miler. 

My training is a bit botched but I am not throwing in the towel. I am going another round. 

I was very fatigued after I ran both times and I could feel more struggle to get my heart rate down. In those moments of being winded, I would add a walk break and try to listen to my body. 

The little things:

If you can not find joy in the little things you will not appreciate the big things. 

Before my feet ever touch the backroads I was grinning from ear to ear. 

It is beautiful out. I get to feel the warm sun against my skin. I get to smell the sweetness of the breeze as it gently blows my hair. 

I am aware of the birds chirping and the black-eyed Susan's hidden in the fields. 

I am all present. I am all in. I am able. And I am capable. 

My vision is not on my sickness, the missed opportunities or the events cancelled. My thoughts are not going down that rabbit hole. I need to keep my chin up, stay positive and keep fighting. 

Where is my perspective, my vision, it is on the dream. 

If I was going to get Covid, this was a perfect week to get it! 

11 days, a 24 hour race. This was going to be my "A Race" of the year. Every race I did was designed to build up to Bear Lake. 

I am back up, by the grace of God I am running again. I am wiping the salt from my brow and getting back in the ring. 

I have no idea what Bear Lake will look like but for now, I optimistic. I am not going to overthink it. I reached out to Ryan L. He had Covid back in April and ran 2 weeks later. I am very encouraged by this.

I may have gotten knocked down this week but God has realigned me. He is strengthening me. He is equipped me.  He is for me. He is on the sidelines cheering me on and reminding me to get back out there. 

This week has been a sentimental week. 

September 22 was my fathers birthday. He died at 48. 

September 25 was 2 YEARS cancer free!

September 27 was my mothers birthday. She died at 52. 

As I celebrated my 2 years in the middle of both birthdays, I wondered if my parents would be proud of me? 

I wanted to scream out to them, "I FOUGHT mom and dad, I Fought so hard mom and dad, I fought for you, I fought for you when you were weak, I fought for you when you were alone, I fought when the fight didn't seem worth fighting,,, I FOUGHT, I fought mom and dad..." 

I can see them...so far away..."..you did my daughter, when we quit fighting you never quit...." 

And so, In 11 days, I will fight again. I will run for 24 hours. I will beat myself up, I will suffer, I will torture myself because I am reminded to FIGHT.  It is in those dark disturbing moments I am so empty, I am so depleted that I Hear God so loud, I feel God so passionately. It is in my weakness, that I am strong in Him. 

Most of us are actively fighting for things that have already been given to us. I wish I could have taught that to my parents. 

Anita~

"I do because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn't." 

AND Know.

Be Still and Know. 

 In my quiet place, my mind tends to wander. I can really have a hay day dissecting myself. 

Many of us do if we are honest. 

I find myself so needy even at 47, an age where I should have it all together and be secure in myself but I am emotionally flailing in a sea of historical baggage. 

When we are intentionally trying to be just a lil bit better, Satan is reminding us we are so unworthy. 

Maybe it is in the words of another, or maybe it is in social media, or maybe it is in your profession so many areas that can lead to unworthiness. 

It is in that murkiness we feel insufficient, defective, unworthy, incapable, we feel less than, unwanted, unacceptable and the list goes on. 

Emotionally unstable and fragile I am doing my best to sift through all those damaging lies. I am teetering back and forth on God's truth and the baggage of life. 

I am trying to figure myself out. Or maybe I am trying to justify myself and my actions, confused by even myself. I am letting the words of others become my truth and I am drowning in my own emotional vomit.  

So I wrestle with my past. I want to understand why I am the way I am. We try to figure ourselves out. 

As many of us do. 

And it hurts, so deeply that I am tormented. I feel so exposed, so vulnerable. 

Those moments as a child I wanted so bad to feel secure, excited to come home and share my day. And the smell of weed and Budweiser drifted through the door. 

Then lets add foster homes to a small 7 year old. 

It wasn't necessarily being in a foster home as a child that was so bad (although it was) it was so much worse being there because you felt unwanted, unloved, abandoned....It was the emotional damage that destroyed my security. 

Or maybe it was losing my father as a young child. 

Or maybe it was losing my mom as a teenager. 

You are left alone. My formative years make a train wreck look like a fender bender. 

Those feelings are feelings that you carry with you. That Satan finds this crack in your armor and thrashes you with lies. 

Telling you that you are alone. 

Telling you that no one loves you. 

Telling you that you don't fit in or your not welcome. 

Telling you that you are lacking and defective and good for no one, not even yourself.

It's exhausting. 

Col 2:10 " and in Him you have been made complete and He is the head over all rule and authority." 

I have to be reminded that HE has completed me. 

This was my verse I was supposed to do along side Joy this week. 

But I got sick. God knew I was going to struggle this week. He was preparing me, he was leading me in my broken spirit back to Him. 

I wrote my notes but never thought I would be applying them so soon. 

And my sweet niece, Becca sent me her devotion that aligned up with my broken spirit. 

And Joy sent me a sermon today that held my hand with comfort. 

In this world, I have to remember, God knows my history, God knows my intentions, God knew me before ANYONE else ever knew me. Psalm 139:13-16

I am HIS, always, and in everyway, John 1:12

I am made in His image, Gen:1:27

That He knows my every detail, Luke 12:7

And I am COMPLETE in HIM. Col 2:10.

When this world fails you, when you fail yourself, when you are seeking the approval of others, when you are struggling with some baggage from a lifetime ago or just yesterday BE reminded God never fails. 

All those places, all those people, all those events, all those expectations will NEVER be complete you. Only HE completes you. 

Only He secures you.

Only He provides all the truth of life.

He builds us up, strengthens us. when this world wants to kill Rob and destroy us.  

Anita~

I just love Shelby Girl, she sent me Gods sweet words to me last night. She is an amazing encourager. It is the little things like this that bring so much life. 

Season of Pause

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jer. 29:11

Over the course of almost 3 years, life as I "knew" it has drastically changed. 

From cancer to covid, from changing churches to changing my work schedule, from changing my routines to changing my time management, so much of me is not the same and will never be. 

The last couple years God has set me in a pause mode. 

I did my fair share of kicking and screaming. I pouted, cried, complained and even emotionally land blasted life. 

In my grief of not wanting to let go of things I bargained and pleaded with God.

But God had a plan for me. The more I fought, the harder I fought, the more God disabled me. He needed me to "Be Still". 

He removed friendships, He removed routines, He removed passions, He removed me from everything BUT HIM. 

When God trusted me with myself He slowly began rebuilding me. He had to break me from myself. To build me up in Him.

And it hurt. Real Bad. 

This afternoon as I drove down the back roads of Highland, the music of Lauren Daigle and Elevation sang through my speakers and tears streamed down my face. 

I cried humble broken tears. They just kept flowing from deep in my brokenness. 

Today life changed again for me. 

I have been asked to do a new ministry. A ministry to touch ladies, to speak Gods word, to speak of His Hope, His love, His Good News. To be an encouragement to ladies along side my sister in Christ, Joy in her ministry Barn45. 

I cried because I have no qualifications. I am a nothing. I have no formal education. I am not a bible scholar, I have no seminary degree, I can't even post a blog without multiple grammatical errors. 

I came from nothing. I survived a train wreck of a childhood. If there was ever something I could say I was good at, it would be making mistakes and surviving chaos, much of which I created over the course of 47 years. 

I live a simple life, with simple things. Extraordinarily ordinary. 

I have great qualifications for learning how to survive but when did that ever qualify you for a job? 

I cried because God KNEW. He knew He had a plan for me. He knew because He was preparing me. In my "little while times", in my "be still and know" times He was qualifying me for His time. 

As I learned to live in pause I learned to live in peace with Gods plan for me. 

So I say this here, I find myself humbled again. That God can use our mess for His message. 

That God can use the unqualified and qualify them. 

That God can use our brokenness and break ground on us.  

So many times in the few years I was chasing heaven, begging and pleading with God, but all the time Heaven was chasing me. 

Anita~

Go Get em' Tiger

"I've always been good at putting things behind me-I fall apart, do my crying bit, and then put it away and move on." Paula Radcliffe

Discouragement comes before victories, during victories and almost always after. 

For me, it was creeping in slowly, conspiring against me, that unshakable, indescribable feeling that is cast over you. 

So sly that you try to shake it off, at first just a nuisance like a mosquito on a early summer day but quickly reeking havoc on you, tormenting you. 

WOODSTOCK 50 mile.

SATURDAY: 6AM

 COURSE: "The course is repeat 16.6-mile loops comprising primarily of single-track trail. Besides a stretch on gravel, you'll cross paved roads a few times; there will be no traffic control and your safety will be your responsibility. 50 Mile does 3 loops."

I signed up late for this race. I also didn't advertise it a lot. 

I needed a training run for my "A" race in October, Bear Lake 24hour. 50 miles was a great way to get that long training run in with good company and a energetic atmosphere.  

THE PLAN: I didn't want to race it, I truly intended to treat it as a training run, run for fun, pet the dogs, make new friends and suffer as little as possible.

I met Chris at 4:30 am after only 3 hours of sleep. I rarely sleep good these days so I was bothered by the usual. 

We arrived at the race with just enough time to grab our bibs, use the port-a-jons, get situated and make the quarter mile hike to the start line. 

Loop 1: 

We started in the darkness. I had my head lamp on but still managed to trip the first mile. I stumbled, stubbed my toes, flipped, dipped and tripped so many times this race I quit counting. 

I found a friend of mine, Ryan and tucked in behind him. We chatted and ran with the same idea in hand, it's a training run. 

The trail is very gnarly. Evil roots, rocks and ankle grabbers showered the trail. There was much more elevation than I remembered. Ryan took a spill that shook me. I stuck with him to make sure he was ok. We slowly headed back unto the trail but somewhere I lost him. 

I had not had a chance to go "poo poo" in the morning and I knew I needed to hit the facilities as soon as I could. 

I came into a aid station so excited to see the port-a-jon, I know, who gets excited to use a port-a jon? ME! I came in after a young guy came out and I could tell after entering I was not the only one who was struggling this morning. As I came out, another guy was waiting to come in, I thought, "Oh that poor guy...." 

I headed to the trail as fast as I could chuckling to myself, "trail runners, no shame". 

Loop Two was a typical Anita.  

I came in all excited, hooting and hollering so excited but totally confused. I couldn't figure out where I was supposed to go. There were so many spectators scattered around I couldn't find my path or the drop bag location. I need to change shirts, the temperatures had started to rise and I was starting to chafe and sweat. I found my bag and quickly grabbed my Complete Runner tank to switch into. I tore off my tee so quickly that I panicked and grabbed my chest. I have NO FEELING in my boobies after having my mastectomy and thought I accidently ripped off my sports bra with my tee shirt. I literally felt the blood drain. I was very pleased my ta ta's were fully covered!

Back out there for another 16 miles. 

"GO Get Em' Tiger" one of the spectators shouts at me. This made me smile. 

I ran with this lady, with the most beautiful legs. I had to compliment her shapely legs which somehow  sparked a very deep conversation on addiction. Crazy, I can't even tell you how this conversation morphed  But this very intimate and emotional conversation carried us for miles until I recognized Dave, a runner friend of mine. Dave joined us and we all three gabbed for a few miles together. As we caught up with each other, I noticed our pace was slowing down, even though it was a training run, I was trying to keep pace through this loop. I hated to leave but the two them were carrying a good conversation,  I don't think they even saw me slip away. 

But that's when it was coming on thick. I found myself alone in the woods. Trying to hold a 12 minute mile, trying to stay upright and ignore my throbbing toes and dirty body. I had landed a couple hard falls and was filthy. I could actually smell myself, my fingernails were caked with dirt and sticky with goo. And I was alone. No one with me.  Just get to the last loop. 

Loop Three

I was not in a good head space. I was so discouraged. Even though I was doing good, I was lonely. 

I had planned to just take this loop easy, have fun, and chill. But I had no one around me to have fun with. I had ran for probably close to 10 miles ALONE. 

I came into a aid station where an old friend of mine was volunteering. He walked over to me with this quirky smile and said "Anita, What did you fall?"  I smiled, even though I wanted to cry and responded, "Which time?" He smirked and said "You know, I found a root out there and wrote your name on it!" 

This actually made me smile. It was the first time I had smiled in miles.

I headed out quickly, I wanted to just get done. 

I recognized that young guy I had shared the port-a-jon with the first loop and was determined to catch him. 

I kept my eyes on his back like a big fat target. I saw him looking over his shoulder as I closed the gap. I was tired of running alone. I was going to catch that boy. 

And I did, I ran directly behind him like a awkward stalker. I was too tired to talk so I just ran behind him, unashamed.  

After a few minutes he opened up a conversation.  A conversation that lead to poop. Yep! This conversation had me laughing as he confessed he had tore up the Port-a-jon and I was the one that went in after him! We both got laughing so hard for that poor guy who came in after us. It felt so good to laugh. He introduced himself, Matt.

He asked my goal and I said I really didn't have one, my goal was to be able to walk the next day, it was a training run. AND THATS WHEN IT ALL FELL APART...

He casually respond "Well, if you keep this pace you will have a sub 10 hour...." 

I had ran 41 miles. 

I was over it.

I didn't want to be alone anymore. 

"OK! Pace me in Matt." I fearfully agreed. 
He was so sweet, "We will finish this together, I won't leave you." 

I held pace, tried to stay upright, I tried to suck it up and stay on his heels. 

We took turns leading, helping each other through the aid stations and stayed close. We didn't chat much but we stayed close. 

With just a couple miles to go I saw Andy coming down the trail. 

He was so full of energy. And I was going to hell in a handbasket. I was so happy to see him but I was drained. I introduced Andy to Matt. Andy encouraged me trying to convince me I was so close. 

I saw the finish line and with Andy behind me, he jumped off the trail and let me finish behind Matt. 

I finished as my quads were firing and  I just about collapsed!  

I was so happy to be DONE!

I could hardly move as I sat on a chair holding my age group award. 

I did it! A sub 10 hour 50 miler! It wasn't the plan. I planned on a 12 hour 50 miler. 

It's funny the things you can still do when your discouraged. 

In my pity party, I prayed for God to change my attitude. Then I took those prayers back and back and forth I tugged. 

I felt it. Feeling discouragement, or anger, feels terrible. I felt it enough to truly feel it. All of it. Then I had to let it go. I had to feel it to know I didn't want it. 

I had to lay it down. I had to find gratitude, I had to embrace the little things. I had to get over myself. 

Matt and I at the finish! Joe, Sean and Dave

Go Get em' Tiger. 

I took this thought back. It made me smile miles back. I had to capture that moment and let Discouragement go. 

Then I had to respond differently. I knew I had to grab something that was going to help me. I had to do the work. 

The race wasn't going to be a race, it was going to be a training run. Plans change. Sometimes we have to Go Get Em...

Anita~

 

North Country Trail 50K Recap: Restoration.

 "The comeback is always stronger than the setback." 

"1 Peter 5:10 "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you." 

Life is worth living. I have been in the deepest valleys and never quit believing, never quit hoping, never quit believing that God could use it all. That God wasn't done with me yet. He gave me the strength, He gave me the ability, He gave me the miracle and He gave me the victory on Sunday. 

Even in our darkest valley we have to trust and we have to never give up. 

2 years ago I was fighting for life. I was sick, battling breast cancer. 

I am so thankful for Sundays victory. But lets go back a day. 

I signed up for both North Country 50miler and The Crim 2 years ago. Everything was deferred to this year, the problem, they deferred both the races to the SAME DAY. 

I was able to drop to the 50K on Sunday letting me run the Crim on Saturday. RUN...Not Race. 

The plan was to RUN the Crim, not race it. And that is exactly what I did. I ran it with gratitude. So thankful to be able to run the CRIM with all its glory. With the news crews, with spectators, with aid stations, with the enthusiasm of other runners and volunteers. 

There is something so magical about running down the bricks with layers of people shouting and cheering. It is my favorite local race, hence why I have ran it almost to 20 years in a row. 

My gang!

From Flint I drove back to Holly where Rachel picked me up for our big 50K adventure in Manistee. 

My Thoughts on 31 miles. 

• I knew I wanted to push my body a little more but not to the place I would get broken. 
• I knew it was going to be 87' by noon. 80' by 9am. 
• I knew I could tolerate the heat, it's my super power. 
• I decided to wear my hydration pack due to the heat, insurance policy on water.
• I knew I wanted to try to get 5H 35min. 
• I DIDN'T know if the heat would crush me.
• I DIDN'T know if my body would cramp like it did at Loopty Loops. 

North Country 50K is in the Manistee forest with close to 2500 feet of elevation,  you are running in some beautiful country. "About 95% of the trail is shaded woods with hard packed trails." 

RECAP: "So I let the gloves come off in a hurry. The taste of my own blood is salty. But Ill fight for what I love cause I'm worthy..." Cold War kids 

Rachel and I headed to the race with plenty of time. We had everything planned but THE RAIN! We stood outside in the darkness at the starting line when the  thick air turned very wet. 

It was 72' degrees and the clouds opened up with enough time for us to run back to the car so I could get a hat. 

This emotion startled us enough to actually calm us as we headed out with all the runners. 

**The first 11 miles: I always run conservative in the beginning. Several runners were ahead of me. I knew I had to run strong to beat the heat before the heat beat me. 

The rain stopped as quick as it started. 

Rachel and I took turns leading. We stayed together until almost 11 miles, that's where I cautiously broke away. 

I picked my pace, turned on my music and prayed. "God keep me upright, give me strength....Glory goes to you..." 

My legs felt amazing! I couldn't help smiling as I ran through the woods. A couple times I got rattled. I was so small in the woods. So miniscule. Like a summer breeze I just drifted through. 

"Feeling Good, Like I should....Feeling blessed... Got that Sunshine on my Sunday best..."Surfaces

Rachel introduced me to this song. I couldn't stop smiling as I weaved in and out of  the woods. 

Competing was not in my thoughts. I was competing with only myself. I had startled a few runners as I came up on them and passed them. 

Kris and her husband were camping there to cheer and support us on. I saw her at an aid station before I hit 20 miles. She was backed away as I came barreling through the aid station in my typical obnoxious self "MARCOOOOO"! 

She was reserved, slyly she fixed her eyes on me and quietly she says "Your doing great, there is one woman in front of you..." Her crisp blue eyes locking mine with a twinkle. 

I grabbed my pickle juice and water and headed out. 

"DARN you Kris!" I knew what Kris was saying without saying it. But I was scared. She was challenging me to compete. What if I fell apart? What if it hurt? What if.... a hundred what if's..BUT What if I didn't try? What if I DID try..

I made a deal. I knew I had a 1 mile out and back. I decided if I saw that girl on that stretch then I would be within 20 minutes of her and with 10 miles to compete for 1st place female.  But if I didn't see her, then I wouldn't try because she would be farther ahead then I would be able to catch her. 

10 to GO. 

It was 10:30 in the morning, hotter than Haiti's. My shorts were saturated to the point they were dripping.I had missed the big hole in a port a john and had peed ALL inside my shorts! I had stripped my tank off miles back. My chin was dripping with sweat and I had already fallen 2 times and witness one man fall behind me. 

On the out and back, I saw her about a quarter mile in front of me. "Steady Anita" I coached myself. I passed her at a fork. She barely saw me coming. I didn't question the route, I confidently and cheerfully  took the trail to the left encouraging her to follow.

But she was still contemplating which path to take when I purposely running.

My fists were clenched as I fought for every mile. I drank Gatorade, coke and water at every aid station. 

The runners were beginning to bonk. I was running strong when I met Chad. There was not a runner I passed that I didn't encourage. As I came into a aid station, I was grabbing everything I needed quickly.  He looked at me taken back that I was so close. "Come on! Let's Go!" I barked at him. I pushed him out and told him, "Stay in front of me..." 

I needed the help and I could tell he did too. Every couple miles his walks would get longer and from behind I would say "Let's go, easy up, you got this..." And like the energizer bunny he would pick it up and GO! 

He picked his pace up but I would catch a glimpse of him as we climbed these God forsaken hills the last 6 miles. 

The hills were tattered with gangly roots and toe grabbers. My quads were BURNING on the downhills trying to catch back up to him. 

I never caught him. But I knew the finish was so close. I would glance behind me as I struggled climbing. I turned my music up and smiled as I looked at my watch. I was going to make my goal time if I could drop a gear.

I stood on what would be my last hill, whispered to myself "Stay strong.." I took that 1/2 mile downhill with everything left in me. Every square inch of my body was saturated with sweat but my heart was so overflowing with JOY. 

Meet Laura and Chad!

Sunday was a Victory. 

5:29:46

"For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal," declare the Lord..." 

I was happy to be able to just RUN. 

I was happy to be able to COMPETE.

I was happy to be able to FINISH. 

BUT I was Beyond stoked God had bigger plans for me! 

I came home with massive trophy. Andy came out to the garage to greet me. His eyes welled up, "2 years ago, Nita, just 2 year ago...look at you..." He wrapped his arms around me with such emotion. 

Restoration takes time. And it doesn't always looks like a shiny Chevy. But restoration is worth the work. But it is work. Its faith, its trust, its dreaming and believing. Restoration is even setbacks. BUT it is beautiful. God is restoring me in great and mighty ways. I am so humbled. 

Special thanks to this lil lady for the photos! Thank you Robin! 

Anita!

Look at that SWAG!!!