Go Get em' Tiger

"I've always been good at putting things behind me-I fall apart, do my crying bit, and then put it away and move on." Paula Radcliffe

Discouragement comes before victories, during victories and almost always after. 

For me, it was creeping in slowly, conspiring against me, that unshakable, indescribable feeling that is cast over you. 

So sly that you try to shake it off, at first just a nuisance like a mosquito on a early summer day but quickly reeking havoc on you, tormenting you. 

WOODSTOCK 50 mile.

SATURDAY: 6AM

 COURSE: "The course is repeat 16.6-mile loops comprising primarily of single-track trail. Besides a stretch on gravel, you'll cross paved roads a few times; there will be no traffic control and your safety will be your responsibility. 50 Mile does 3 loops."

I signed up late for this race. I also didn't advertise it a lot. 

I needed a training run for my "A" race in October, Bear Lake 24hour. 50 miles was a great way to get that long training run in with good company and a energetic atmosphere.  

THE PLAN: I didn't want to race it, I truly intended to treat it as a training run, run for fun, pet the dogs, make new friends and suffer as little as possible.

I met Chris at 4:30 am after only 3 hours of sleep. I rarely sleep good these days so I was bothered by the usual. 

We arrived at the race with just enough time to grab our bibs, use the port-a-jons, get situated and make the quarter mile hike to the start line. 

Loop 1: 

We started in the darkness. I had my head lamp on but still managed to trip the first mile. I stumbled, stubbed my toes, flipped, dipped and tripped so many times this race I quit counting. 

I found a friend of mine, Ryan and tucked in behind him. We chatted and ran with the same idea in hand, it's a training run. 

The trail is very gnarly. Evil roots, rocks and ankle grabbers showered the trail. There was much more elevation than I remembered. Ryan took a spill that shook me. I stuck with him to make sure he was ok. We slowly headed back unto the trail but somewhere I lost him. 

I had not had a chance to go "poo poo" in the morning and I knew I needed to hit the facilities as soon as I could. 

I came into a aid station so excited to see the port-a-jon, I know, who gets excited to use a port-a jon? ME! I came in after a young guy came out and I could tell after entering I was not the only one who was struggling this morning. As I came out, another guy was waiting to come in, I thought, "Oh that poor guy...." 

I headed to the trail as fast as I could chuckling to myself, "trail runners, no shame". 

Loop Two was a typical Anita.  

I came in all excited, hooting and hollering so excited but totally confused. I couldn't figure out where I was supposed to go. There were so many spectators scattered around I couldn't find my path or the drop bag location. I need to change shirts, the temperatures had started to rise and I was starting to chafe and sweat. I found my bag and quickly grabbed my Complete Runner tank to switch into. I tore off my tee so quickly that I panicked and grabbed my chest. I have NO FEELING in my boobies after having my mastectomy and thought I accidently ripped off my sports bra with my tee shirt. I literally felt the blood drain. I was very pleased my ta ta's were fully covered!

Back out there for another 16 miles. 

"GO Get Em' Tiger" one of the spectators shouts at me. This made me smile. 

I ran with this lady, with the most beautiful legs. I had to compliment her shapely legs which somehow  sparked a very deep conversation on addiction. Crazy, I can't even tell you how this conversation morphed  But this very intimate and emotional conversation carried us for miles until I recognized Dave, a runner friend of mine. Dave joined us and we all three gabbed for a few miles together. As we caught up with each other, I noticed our pace was slowing down, even though it was a training run, I was trying to keep pace through this loop. I hated to leave but the two them were carrying a good conversation,  I don't think they even saw me slip away. 

But that's when it was coming on thick. I found myself alone in the woods. Trying to hold a 12 minute mile, trying to stay upright and ignore my throbbing toes and dirty body. I had landed a couple hard falls and was filthy. I could actually smell myself, my fingernails were caked with dirt and sticky with goo. And I was alone. No one with me.  Just get to the last loop. 

Loop Three

I was not in a good head space. I was so discouraged. Even though I was doing good, I was lonely. 

I had planned to just take this loop easy, have fun, and chill. But I had no one around me to have fun with. I had ran for probably close to 10 miles ALONE. 

I came into a aid station where an old friend of mine was volunteering. He walked over to me with this quirky smile and said "Anita, What did you fall?"  I smiled, even though I wanted to cry and responded, "Which time?" He smirked and said "You know, I found a root out there and wrote your name on it!" 

This actually made me smile. It was the first time I had smiled in miles.

I headed out quickly, I wanted to just get done. 

I recognized that young guy I had shared the port-a-jon with the first loop and was determined to catch him. 

I kept my eyes on his back like a big fat target. I saw him looking over his shoulder as I closed the gap. I was tired of running alone. I was going to catch that boy. 

And I did, I ran directly behind him like a awkward stalker. I was too tired to talk so I just ran behind him, unashamed.  

After a few minutes he opened up a conversation.  A conversation that lead to poop. Yep! This conversation had me laughing as he confessed he had tore up the Port-a-jon and I was the one that went in after him! We both got laughing so hard for that poor guy who came in after us. It felt so good to laugh. He introduced himself, Matt.

He asked my goal and I said I really didn't have one, my goal was to be able to walk the next day, it was a training run. AND THATS WHEN IT ALL FELL APART...

He casually respond "Well, if you keep this pace you will have a sub 10 hour...." 

I had ran 41 miles. 

I was over it.

I didn't want to be alone anymore. 

"OK! Pace me in Matt." I fearfully agreed. 
He was so sweet, "We will finish this together, I won't leave you." 

I held pace, tried to stay upright, I tried to suck it up and stay on his heels. 

We took turns leading, helping each other through the aid stations and stayed close. We didn't chat much but we stayed close. 

With just a couple miles to go I saw Andy coming down the trail. 

He was so full of energy. And I was going to hell in a handbasket. I was so happy to see him but I was drained. I introduced Andy to Matt. Andy encouraged me trying to convince me I was so close. 

I saw the finish line and with Andy behind me, he jumped off the trail and let me finish behind Matt. 

I finished as my quads were firing and  I just about collapsed!  

I was so happy to be DONE!

I could hardly move as I sat on a chair holding my age group award. 

I did it! A sub 10 hour 50 miler! It wasn't the plan. I planned on a 12 hour 50 miler. 

It's funny the things you can still do when your discouraged. 

In my pity party, I prayed for God to change my attitude. Then I took those prayers back and back and forth I tugged. 

I felt it. Feeling discouragement, or anger, feels terrible. I felt it enough to truly feel it. All of it. Then I had to let it go. I had to feel it to know I didn't want it. 

I had to lay it down. I had to find gratitude, I had to embrace the little things. I had to get over myself. 

Matt and I at the finish! Joe, Sean and Dave

Go Get em' Tiger. 

I took this thought back. It made me smile miles back. I had to capture that moment and let Discouragement go. 

Then I had to respond differently. I knew I had to grab something that was going to help me. I had to do the work. 

The race wasn't going to be a race, it was going to be a training run. Plans change. Sometimes we have to Go Get Em...

Anita~