Season of Pause

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jer. 29:11

Over the course of almost 3 years, life as I "knew" it has drastically changed. 

From cancer to covid, from changing churches to changing my work schedule, from changing my routines to changing my time management, so much of me is not the same and will never be. 

The last couple years God has set me in a pause mode. 

I did my fair share of kicking and screaming. I pouted, cried, complained and even emotionally land blasted life. 

In my grief of not wanting to let go of things I bargained and pleaded with God.

But God had a plan for me. The more I fought, the harder I fought, the more God disabled me. He needed me to "Be Still". 

He removed friendships, He removed routines, He removed passions, He removed me from everything BUT HIM. 

When God trusted me with myself He slowly began rebuilding me. He had to break me from myself. To build me up in Him.

And it hurt. Real Bad. 

This afternoon as I drove down the back roads of Highland, the music of Lauren Daigle and Elevation sang through my speakers and tears streamed down my face. 

I cried humble broken tears. They just kept flowing from deep in my brokenness. 

Today life changed again for me. 

I have been asked to do a new ministry. A ministry to touch ladies, to speak Gods word, to speak of His Hope, His love, His Good News. To be an encouragement to ladies along side my sister in Christ, Joy in her ministry Barn45. 

I cried because I have no qualifications. I am a nothing. I have no formal education. I am not a bible scholar, I have no seminary degree, I can't even post a blog without multiple grammatical errors. 

I came from nothing. I survived a train wreck of a childhood. If there was ever something I could say I was good at, it would be making mistakes and surviving chaos, much of which I created over the course of 47 years. 

I live a simple life, with simple things. Extraordinarily ordinary. 

I have great qualifications for learning how to survive but when did that ever qualify you for a job? 

I cried because God KNEW. He knew He had a plan for me. He knew because He was preparing me. In my "little while times", in my "be still and know" times He was qualifying me for His time. 

As I learned to live in pause I learned to live in peace with Gods plan for me. 

So I say this here, I find myself humbled again. That God can use our mess for His message. 

That God can use the unqualified and qualify them. 

That God can use our brokenness and break ground on us.  

So many times in the few years I was chasing heaven, begging and pleading with God, but all the time Heaven was chasing me. 

Anita~